Reaching for a hand out.

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    So I decided trying asking you people in here for some advice.. Thought you might understand me. It can be really hard to talk to “normal” people about a depression when they haven’t tried it or don’t know anything about it. It seems that it frightens some people. Anyway, that’s not the point.

    I’ve ended up some place in myself where I don’t know what to try to do to become happy. It’s like I’m surrounded by a heavy fog and somehow I know(intellectually) that there is something really good outside of that fog.. That it’s an illusion. I just really don’t know how to FEEL it.. I’ve had a depression since this February(officially – I think I haven’t really been very happy since before I was a teenager) and until now this has been the worst year of my life. I just turned 21 this November and I never thought I would be feeling like this when I turned 21(or anytime actually). I’ve felt so much pain this year and I really want it to stop.

    My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in February when everything broke down for me. The relationship was toxic for me, but I wouldn’t let go of it since I felt so afraid of the unknown, and I didn’t want to realize that I did not love him. He was a perfect boyfriend – loving, caring and attentive. And through-out the whole relationship I had a feeling of not being able to give the same back. I felt like I was oppressing the real me in order to live out a history which only existed in my head. The thing is.. He filled out some whole in me which I’ve covered earlier by having eating-disorders. I now realize that I do all this to cover up something in me. But the thing is that I can’t find anything that makes me happy and I really don’t know how to make myself happy. I blame myself for not having more will power or more strength, yet I can’t really see my way out. I feel bad about staying so sad because my parents have been suffering because of this for almost a year now. And I keep myself distracted by eating or by dreaming about my ex-boyfriend. I don’t know how to handle reality really..

    I just started studying psychology and it’s very interesting and people are nice and everything.. I have a wonderful family and good friends. I am aware that there is really NOTHING to be depressed about in my life circumstances. And still I feel so much pain in my life. It’s like nothing is as I want it to be – I feel lots of resistance in me but I don’t really know how to overcome it or just where to begin. Everything just seems wrong or distant somehow. If I could just feel some tiny steps of improvement I’d be happy but it just hasn’t become any better for a long while now. Sometimes I might have the wrong attitude – that it should all turn around in one day, and then i become disappointed when it doesn’t. So I’m ready to take the long journey now.

    I feel so superficial, false and unreal when I’m around other people – I don’t know what I am or what I stand for. I’m like a candle in the wind – and I am dead tired of it. When I’m with one friend, I feel like I should be more like her and when I’m with someone else I try to be like her. It’s and endless search. I haven’t had that period of rebellion during my teenage years, and I realize that I have just copied my parents’ values and attitudes. I can’t find any peace within myself. I am terribly restless – whatever I do seems to be a struggle I should just finish. I would love to feel passionate about something again.. To feel some kind of purpose in my life ’cause right now I don’t feel any purpose at all. I feel alone and lost.

    I appreciate any advice and help and thank you for reading my post.

    – Charli



    I am really impressed by how directly you are regarding yourself, and how wisely you’re approaching your fog. I know it seems dark and foreboding, trying to answer that questions “who am I” “where do I find happiness” and “what do I do now?” However, almost every seeker and dancer along the path of joy encounters that exact knot. Many of us crumple under its weight, as we realize that we have absolutely no clue what we are doing here, how to find genuine nourishment, or what to do with ourselves. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. And the good news is you’re already on it!

    That being said, it really doesn’t help much to know that conceptually, because here and now you’re starving. Said differently, the farmer with no food is not comforted much in the spring knowing that in the fall, if the rain and earth cooperate, there will be a harvest. So here and now, the goal is to find food… not in some “where do I take my life” type of way, but “bring warmth into this body, here, now, please”.

    For this, you can perform acts of kindness toward yourself. Think short term, here and now… self nurturing actions. Perhaps you could take a bath with candles, or go for a walk in nature, to a museum, to a ballet… find some art and beauty, then do your best to let it in. See how the world expresses itself, naturally or through its artists and dreamers. Or, if you have interest in meditation, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta energy is very nourishing, fulfilling, and with some practice we can use our mind to generate it. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and within a few sessions you may be surprised at just how thin that fog can become when we hold within our bodies the light we’ve been seeking.

    Namaste, dear sister. May your spark grow a flame that lights your way down the path of joy. Its easier than you think.

    With warmth,

    Andrea Belarruti

    Dear Charli,
    First of all I’m sending you a big hug.

    There’s something I want you to know: There is really nothing wrong with you or with being depressed. When you say that there is really NOTHING to be depressed about in your life circumstances, I get you. I struggled with depression myself (when I was about you age actually). And there is a big misunderstanding out there about depression, like if everything seems to be good in your life you shouldn’t feel like crap. But you do, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. In my case after a lot of struggling with trying to figure out what was “wrong with me” I looked for helped and we realized that I had a chemical imbalance in my body that was causing most part of my depression, depression was not something I could control with my mind.

    I would highly recommend you that you look for help. Go with a therapist, and try other holistic healing methods as well like Bach Flower Remedies (have worked wonders for me), Kundalini Yoga (I highly recommend it too as it works a lot with the glandular and endocrine system) and EFT….experiment until you find something that helps you. I’m a very “alternative” kind of person but sometimes medication can help you while you keep doing your holistic healing. But ask more than one professional opinion before you decide to take on meds and don’t rely just on them in case your therapist really finds you need them. Keep doing a more holistic work on the side.

    Be patient, you have to be constant with treatment so you can really feel better. Explain to your parents how you feel and that you need help so they can support you with it. I assure you there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking for therapy and just making the decision to go will start your healing journey.

    If I could sum it up I’ld say don’t try to get rid of depression with your MIND, try to be more with your BODY, even if you don’t feel like it at the beginning. I really encourage you to look for a local Kundalini Yoga class, at the beginning it might all seem very weird, with the mantras and all that but keep trying it and it could be a side healing method for you. Or do some regular exercise, I know how difficult it is when you’re feeling like that but it’s worth the effort.

    YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, don’t lose you hopes and faith. I promise it’ll pass. Just commit yourself to healing and be patient. You are never alone.




    I just finished typing some advice to another person. It might help give you some insight(I guess is the word)?

    I am at my lowest point


    My heart goes out to you..there have been numerous occasions where I have felt the same..or asked myself what is the purpose of my existence..as Andrea said, this is a phase..it will pass..everyone goes through it sometime or the other in their lives..here is my way of coping when you feel worthless, alone lost and sometimes even pathetic –

    Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a time machine, you press a button and the machine takes you back in time into the concentration camps in nazi Germany..there you see thousands of people being subjected to the worst conditions and hardships humans could possibly endure, millions of people being executed just because they belonged to a particular race or religion…and yet people in those camps kept on living and surviving with the hope that one day, the madness will end..now open your eyes..aren’t you in much better situation than being in an concentration camp ? You may not have happiness or peace, but you have your freedom..isn’t that worth experiencing? we take our freedom so granted that we have forgotten that countless servicemen sacrifice their lives each day to keep our country free..close your eyes again and imagine yourself being in the world trade center when the planes hit..desperately trying to reach their loved ones, hoping to tell them one last time that they love them..or imagine yourself to be in the shoes of a cancer patient who has a few weeks to live…open your eyes..don’t you feel lucky that you have all the time in the world to express love and gratitude towards all the people that care for you?

    When you feel really low and depressed, think of all the people who have/had worse than you..and automatically you will feel grateful for the gift of life that you have..and all you have to do is be grateful for it and live it to the best of what you can make it..as Antony Chektov said – “Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.”

    Hang tight..you will feel better!


    Thank you so much for your answers and help. I really appreciate it and it’s comforting to read your advice!

    I have started exercising every second day which is a really good habbit for me. And I eat very healthy as well, so at least those two elements are good. I do think life is worth experiencing it’s more that I don’t feel like I would be able to handle it so I somehow cut myself off emotionally and distanced myself from life. It’s like my life is only happening in my head – my head feels so heavy and full of thoughts, wishes, regrets and worries.

    I am just afraid and worried that I should feel like this for the rest of my life really… Some people suffer from depressions all of their lives – how do I know that I won’t? It’s a very sad and frightening thought..


    Hey Charli… I just want to tell you that you’re not alone. In fact, what you describe sounds very similiar to what I am going through right now – the internal as well as the external factors. I’ve additionally been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and social anxiety. I am just floating around right now, back at my parents, and waiting to be admitted to a psychosomatic clinic for more intense psychotherapy. Most of the days I manage, though I feel awful, believing that I won’t feel like this forever if I get some professional help and start taking actions (which feels almost impossible for me to do on my own right now). There are moments though when I feel completely hopeless and, just like you, I can’t keep myself from asking: what if I stay like this forever? It’s a paralyzing and toxic question – if there’s nothing you can do about, why should you even try? One thing I learnt by now is that thoughts alone are meaningless but if we give them so much power, they create our reality, often in a warped way.
    I think you should consider getting professional help if you haven’t already. Though sometimes there are just times when everything feels wrong and depressing and it may only be a sign that it’s time for a change of scenery, I think you may profit from therapy, especially since you said you haven’t been happy since you were a teenager. When it all came down on me this august, my body started protesting against all the stress I put myself under for years. There are a lot of deep issues and thus habits I haven’t dealt with and I guess neither my mind nor my body can take it anymore which is why I feel the way I do right now. Of course, this is only my opinion and it’s based a lot on what I am going through right now so I don’t know if you can relate.
    I wish you all the best and a big hug,


    You feel false, empty, distant, unable to relate to anyone or anything because you haven’t yet ‘created’ yourself yet. 😉 Like everyone, you’ve tried to ‘find’ yourself but how can anyone if they haven’t created themselves yet? My advice is one that I’ve posted numerously on these forums: explore, discover, experiment and experience. Do not fear any of it. Life is meant to be experienced, none of us know what we’re supposed to do in this life and aren’t meant to. We make meanings for ourselves through the experiences we encounter. If you’re unsure what it is you love, find interest in, are curious about, holds significance and such in your life then take that first step through the door.

    Don’t rush. Never rush. When it comes to important things you take your time to do them right, correct? Isn’t your life one? 🙂 Remove any anxiety through the joy that you are able to wake up everyday with the power to create a life of your own worth living because not everyone is sadly allowed that. That’s not to say things will be easy but do retain that every ‘trying’ moments will be there to learn from. And, please, make yourself dwell on those moments especially. They will give you the experience necessary to overcome all similar future obstacles.

    And before I forget, to help ease your longing for your ex, in your heart, simply earnestly wish for his well being. Thank him for the beautiful times, the wonderful memories and for showing you that great men do exist (thank goodness lol). I hope this will bring you peace.


    ps: remember that after a storm clears a rainbow always appears. 🙂



    Thanks for your advice – I can definitely relate to your situation.
    I am already seeing a cognitive therapist and I am taking medicine as well, it just seems that the depression won’t pass anyway – not yet at least. I think I started out having some kind of illusion that a therapist was some kind of magician who could make me feel better. The thing is, I realized that the only person who can get me through is myself and that could both be a relief or a frightening thought. The therapist can only point me towards something – I gotta “walk the talk” myself which seems harder than I imagined. But you are defitnitely right about thoughts just being thoughts – it’s just so easy to cling on to them sometimes. But I know you are right that thoughts create our reality and that’s something worth being aware of.
    I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation and I wish that you will find your way through as well.


    Thanks for sharing your knowledge as well. Your response cheared me up somehow :). I think especially the thing about not hurrying because that’s what I tend to do too often. I get thoughts like “I’m 21 – this should be the best time of my life and it seems to be the worst – I gotta hurry up becoming happy!” which are just thoughts freaking me out. I think I should change my way of thinking towards that kind of experimenting and playful approach you describe.
    But yes, it is very comforting to read your response to my post – thanks for that :).


    Hey Charli! I’m sending you a big hug. I’m about your age, and can really, really relate to that dissonance between how my heart and mind feel and how I know with my head how I should be feeling. I know there’s happiness out there, I’ve felt it before! I know, too, that thinking you’ll be depressed for a long time is a scary thought. I think that you’re going to be good though, because you’re looking in at these thoughts and not letting them stay. Not everyone takes so much time to look inward or reach out for help, so I think even if your feelings haven’t changed, you’re halfway there!

    Letting healthy habits take root is a good thing. More sleep, more exercise, real foods, and going light on the caffeine and alcohol can all do wonders. I’m starting to believe in this affirmation and meditation stuff, too. Relationship wise, I think that maybe being with this person you felt nearly right with could have made you question why you weren’t happy. If he was so wonderful, so sweet, treated you so well, how could you give up such a good thing? It’s because something about him didn’t make you as happy as you know you could be! It’s not your depression’s fault, it’s not your fault, it simply wasn’t right. Now you’ve got to open your heart, scary and uncomfortable as it is, and keep faith that you will find happiness and that your life will bring you someone who makes you feel secure and like a million bucks. Love and heartbreak are hard. They sometimes make it hard to remember that there are many, many fish in the sea.

    I think you likely have a stronger sense of self than you realize. Love yourself and appreciate the awesome experience it is to explore and get to know new parts of yourself all the time. You’re going to be great!

    Joanna Warwick

    Charlotte, you don’t have to suffer with depression, which is actually – desire and rage repressed!
    it is the energetic and emotional overload in your body which is being stuck in your body and not being released – it like being constipated.
    Exercise is really good start, but you also need to release the rage and anger and maybe guilt, shame and sadness you have stuck in your body which is clouding your mind like a fog – this cannot be thought our of… scream, shout, write a journal – write letters to anyone who has hurt you or pissed you off – dont send them, just burn them. Scribble, dance, or beat up your bed with a pillow – its all about physical, creative expression of the pain and dark stuff – its toxic poison and needs to be got rid of.
    if you need more help – please come see me – http://www.rediscoverthemagic.com


    @Big : Thanks for you answer – it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. And I think you are right about me having a feeling of not being as happy with that guy as I could be and want to be. I hope you are right that I am on my way to a better place..

    : I can really relate to what you are saying..! That is exactly what I can feel – so much repressed negative energi which is poisoning me from the inside. The think is, I’ve never learned how to express anger og frustrations outward – I have a feeling that I will do something bad or hurtful if I express that side of myself to the world. I am not even sure I can get it out when I’m just with myself – it’s like there’s so much anger, guilt and other negative feelings stuck inside of me! And I just keep building it up because I can’t express it. But I WILL try to use one of the methods you mention..


    The thing is… I think that the one I am REALLY furious with is myself.. – should I then write a letter to myself ?

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