Resubmitted (to clear excess print):

Dear alette:

“When he said no it’s not, it was the talk that he didn’t want… avoiding it… And the main reason, why he wants us to break up, he does not give it clearly“-

From relationship hero/ blog/ sudden breakup without explanation: “Being broken up with…  can be extremely heartbreaking but also very confusing. This confusion often gets even worse if your ex didn’t give any reason for breaking up – no reason, no explanation. You’re left in a state of confusion and anxiety, constantly stuck trying to analyze and figure out why the breakup happened. It can even make the person angry about not getting a proper resolution from their ex…

“Sometimes people don’t or can’t give a reason because they can’t bring themselves to be completely honest. They’re worried that they might hurt you or that it might cause a blowup that they’d just rather avoid. Breakups are often messy after all. If you ever noticed in the past that they had a slightly avoidant nature, that may have also carried over to the breakup conversation. The important takeaway is that they do have a reason, it’s just not being expressed.

”They don’t want the breakup to be any more painful than it already is. So they avoid sharing their real reason. Conversely, this can make things more difficult for the other person, because it creates a lack of closure. It’s understandable that one feels angry at their ex for not properly explaining their reasons behind breaking up. Some would even call it unfair…

“Pushing them to explain their reason(s) will not help to win them back or even reconnect with them. If they’re unable to talk about how they feel, that is just how it is. They may not fully understand it themselves. Everyone has their own emotions and conditioning that drives their behavior, and it’s often not done with complete awareness. Pushing your ex for the clarity will only drive them further away. In this situation, we recommend a no contact period. Give them space from whatever triggered the breakup, and time for you to focus on you.

”During this time, it’s important to maintain focus on you and not on what motivated them to break up in the first place. Staying fixated on the ‘why’ will not help you, and will most likely just hurt your progress. This isn’t to say that one shouldn’t try to figure out why the breakup happened. Especially if the goal is to reconnect with them or to try and win them back. But it’s important to not fixate on it and especially important to not pressure the ex for an explanation.”-

– This reads like valuable advice to me, is it to you?

Back to what you shared: “Our arguments have never been serious and we usually resolve immediately and they were rare, we have only argued like 4 times in our two year relationship. We had this thing that we should not go to bed while angry at each other“- do you think, having known him for so long, that he generally avoids conflict with people, in which case, maybe it’s not that arguments were resolved on his end, but rather avoided?

anita

Hey Anita, today I feel rather better as i have been thinking about it, and I feel I should focus on other priorities and myself too, You have been really helpful and I think I read all quotes and by giving my story I feel better, considering you always give feedback .

Hey Anita, for a week I thought I have been okay, i listen to motivation, and even read articles concerning break up so that it can boost my everyday functionality. At some point i even forgot about him in a while by keeping myself busy. So today he called me , i thought maybe he wanted to talk, but unfortunately he wanted to know if am at home so that he could drop my stuffs, but I have been at work. I think i am not ready to receive my things and i still hope that one of this days he will want to talk. I feel like i am breaking again.

Hey Anita, Him not willing to communicate with me is what is breaking me, I want both of us to reach a point of understanding, because currently that is what is missing, communication and understanding. I may find out that the problem can be fixed or solve but communication is killing it.

Hey Anita, It has been a while since i was here, just taking one day at a time, and I am feeling better today. How I knew him is that he is a straight foward person and in this case I don’t why he has been behaving like that.

New update: I just want to give you a kind of a story of how he has been behaving and i would want you or any other perswon to help me internalize this behavours because i think i am overthing everything. The last time we had contacted with him he was not willing to talk to me, so i break contact and stop reaching out to him for a while, one week later he contacted me to ask if I was at home so that he could return my stuffs back, and I remember I reached out to you since it was overwhelming for me. When I got home i didm’t bother to contact him again so  I stayed quiet. And when I came to internalize the situation it was very wiered  since he knew i was working to ask me if i was at home, i guess i am stupid to overthink this instances but i can’t help me. The next day my day was okay and he called me at a wierd time in the middle of the night which he never did even when we were together, he was asking why i did not reach out to him the previous day, it was awkward for me. He said we will talk, and was asking about the schedule i had the day after, which i was also working, and i told him that in the evening after work i will reach out, which i did. That evening when i reached out to him he said he was still working and we will meet over the weekend. Over the weekend we talked over the phone and he was somehow too much engaging than the previous times, he was initiating conversation asking about how i have been, where i was , and he added that he is feeling somuch unwell that we cannot meet. We met finally yesterday, he came to my house, brought my stuffs, but not all of them, we talked, but obviously the reasons he was talking that brought the detarchment felt like are too petty and can be resolved. Funny thing is that we even talked about the solutions, i was very composed then when we were talking, i expected him to take his stuffs back too but he didn’t ask for even his keys. He said he has been missing me and he will miss me. Which i was wondering why he would mention when he wasn’t willing to work on our relationship. Later after  he went, i opened up my things to rearrang e them and I found some bars of chocolates. Which has been for a while been a gesture that he send me when we were in  a relationship. I feel like he is giving me mixed behaviour that i don’t know how to interprate them, and some point i have hope for both of us and at some point i don’t. I feel like he his testing my reaction with his behaviour and i dont liked it. Help me Anita in interprating.

Dear alette:

I hope you are still feeling better this Monday, good to read from you again!

(I am slightly editing grammar in the quotes because it helps me understand the content better as I read and re-read): “I feel like he is giving me mixed (messages)  that I don’t know how to interpret them… Help me Anita in interpreting” (March 3, 2024)-

– I re-read and studied all your posts since Feb 10 of this year:

In Jan this year, following a 2-year relationship that you described as perfect,  with a man who’s been consistently straightforward, and following no disagreement of any kind, out of the blue, he told you that he “is not feeling the same way anymore… it (is) nothing, his feelings are just not the same… he needs some space to navigate through his feelings… there is no way to save our relationship“.

He did not want to explain anything more, and avoided a conversation with you: “He doesn’t want to explain anything… I prepared for the meeting, but he postponed… When I want a conversation with him he avoids me“.

He then called you when you were at work, asking if you were home (He knew I was working (when he called) to ask me if I was at home“). The next day, he called you “at a weird time, in the middle of the night, which he never did (before)“.

During the relationship, he used to offer you chocolate bars as a romantic- loving gesture. Recently, following the breakup, having packed (some, not all of) your stuff so to return them to you, he added chocolate bars to the package. He then brought the package to your house on Sat, I believe (March 2), and told you that he has been missing you, and that he will miss you, and he didn’t ask for his stuff, not even for the key that you have to his place.

Best I can interpret all the above, is that maybe he is on drugs that interfere with his cognitive function (not being able to have a conversation of any depth with you, forgetting your work/ home schedule, not noticing that it was the middle of the night that he called you, packing and returning to you some, but not all of your stuff, forgetting to ask for his stuff and for your key to his place), and with his emotions, making him numb (no longer feeling love). Maybe most recently, there’s some change in his drug use, and he got some feeling back (placing the chocolate bars in the package for you), and maybe he had some interest- on Saturday- to get back together with you.

But it’s Monday now, and .. he may be back to being numb, inattentive, forgetful, etc.

Or maybe he is suffering from a brain abnormality that is responsible for abruptly changing a consistently attentive, loving, straightforward man into.. a man who is none of those things.

anita

Hi all,

It has been really comforting reading this thread. As something similar happened to me and i’ve been so upset and obsessively googling to see if anyone else has gone through something similar as I feel so alone and as if no one can help me or advise me.

I have been in an on and off relationship with my ex-boyfriend for a couple of years (we are in our early 20s) and it has been so turbulent, and very rarely stable. However it has never been an angry or argumentative dynamic (we have actually never had a proper fight as he is too nice and doesn’t want to ever upset me!), instead the turbulence seems to come from anxiety and uncertainty (At first from him but now much more from me). Initially I thought it was because we were so different I am extremely extroverted and he is very introverted and we have such different communication styles, but now I think maybe I’ve been the problem the whole time.  I have had really horrible anxiety the entire relationship, I’m not an anxious person except for when it comes to hurting other people and have been so nervous to hurt him that I tie myself in nots and end up probably making things worse. Even when I’ve freaked out and been anxious he has always been so loving and understanding. He truly is the most beautiful and nicest person and loves me so much.

We are each others first loves and care so much and so deeply for each other. At times his intensity has really scared me and I’ve found it a lot of pressure as he once said I was the only girl he’ll ever want and he has waited for me in periods of no contact. This has made me feel so scared that I’ve ruined his life and am the reason he’ll never be happy – I don’t know why I can’t seem to settle into the relationship and be happy with what’s in front of me. I used to be able to be a lot more present and enjoy the moment, but then my intrusive thoughts became worse and even when I was with him I became filled with doubts about whether he was enough or if id have more fun and be more settled with someone with different qualities who was louder or funnier or more like me. These thoughts make me feel so terrible and guilty because he is an incredible person and I hate that I could make him feel like he’s not enough (id never say that to him, but I think he was beginning to feel that way).

I called it off at one point and we went no contact for a year and I missed him so much and felt so guilty to have hurt him, but also felt a bit lighter and less burdened towards the end of the year – however desperately missed his presence in my life. After this I reached out and we have kept trying to be friends despite both of us still being in love but me feeling like it wouldn’t be right to be in a relationship because I can’t seem to commit and feel settled. Instead I seem to crave freedom, feel a bit unfulfilled/restless and at times claustrophobic, even though I love hanging out with him and we have very strong chemistry and always want to sleep together. I would worry about leading him on, because even though I wouldn’t say to him that I wanted a relationship, the fact I loved him felt like it was deceiving both of us in a way I felt like I was leading us both on and this made me so anxious. It became very unfair on him I would be so excited to see him and I do love him, but would have moments of intense panic and communicate my uncertainty to him (which in turn made me feel terrible as he shouldn’t have to hear someone doubt him).

He has finally stepped away which I’m proud of him for doing I want him to be happy. In the end I couldn’t tell whether my gut was saying it wasn’t a match or it was my anxiety. And I have so much frustration towards myself for not being able to make it work. What’s wrong with me? I really do love him. In my heart i’m scared he may not be the right person, but I don’t want to believe this. Instead I desperately hope that with time and experience I may be able to return to him one day. In the meantime I don’t know how to forgive myself for leading him down such a turbulent and painful path. I want to reach out to him but I know it’s not fair, will I ever have clarity over how I feel? Why can’t I be content with him? and will I ever get over this!!!!