Hello all,

On a 6-month work trip in September 2014, I met a guy. I am 26, he is 29. Upon meeting he was annoyingly outspoken. Within minutes of meeting he told me about his accomplishments as a pilot, asked if the guy standing near was my husband (he was not!), offered me career advice and said I should take his number in case I’d missed anything during our conversation. I was instantly turned off by his pompous demeanor, and felt quite uncomfortable as I am the opposite of outspoken. As I took the number and thanked him I remembered thinking, “I will never call you.”

Although he seemed to be outspoken and self-absorbed, I was transitioning into a new career field and making a contact wouldn’t be a bad idea. I messaged him my information, he accepted and that was that. I didn’t hear from him for a few days and one afternoon he texted and said he had a lot of great work material to share with me, he seemed much more genuine. I don’t remember communicating much more but I do remember us agreeing to go on our first date (a beautiful hike in the mountains). On our first date, he was such a gentleman, charming, warm, just great to be with. I remember falling and injuring my knee, I was bleeding and pretty freaked out, he got down on his knee, cleaned my wound, and I felt protected and cared for. We reached the top and meditated, talked in-depth about various things, serious things, he said he had been divorced for a year and said he divorced his ex-wife for cheating and they had no contact. I felt compassion and of course believed the things he shared with me.

The date ended and from then on, we were inseperable. Every opportunity we had to be together, outside of our demanding jobs, we spent together. He soon, with flowers in hand, and sincerity in his voice asked me if I would be with him, be his girlfriend. I could tell he was really anxious, nervous and he actually shared this with me. I agreed but with apprehension because I thought it was too soon. I knew I liked several things about him, I knew we shared a strong attraction but I also remembered past failed relationships.

Nevertheless, I was happy with the decision until he began to be controlling, possessive, often irritable and on edge, angry, he drank often,took a lot of OTC drugs and prescription meds daily and became less and less nurturing, caring, and even friendly. He began to have conversations in secret (in the bathroom) while I was in his apartment and often said he was supporting his sister who was having a rough pregnancy and who was private and didn’t want him to share her personal issues with anyone. This continued. I confronted him one evening, I knocked on the door to ask if everything was okay, he became furious, he throw me out of his home, along with my belongings down the stairs and locked the door. He would often yell at me for walking in and out of the house or not locking the door, or “hanging around” the apt complex. He would always sound apologetic but I don’t remember any apologies. I would somehow always be the reason he became so angry. He said I had no respect, I didn’t know how to behave and there was no way I could ever meet his family if I kept this up.

Many nights I questioned my upbringing, my behavior. I convinced myself that these bad habits must have developed in recent years. I had never been told such things about myself but it must’ve been true because it was a constant issue. The distance grew between us as the arguments became more frequent and the insults more harsh and personal. We never went on many dates because he said it was a small town and we didn’t want to run into anyone from the office. We worked long hours and were usually exhausted by the days end so I never made a huge fuss. He began going out with friends more frequently, still drinking, texting women, became cold, ignoring all attempts I made to be close and communicate. I was no longer a priority and boy did he give me reasons why not. He said he I didn’t dress the way he liked, I was often late (though we never went on dates so I guess I was late to the latest episode of SNL). Often times I would bring work with me from the office to complete before heading to his place, I explained this but he did not care why I was late and would often call me a liar, he wanted me there when he got home he said.

All in all, things continued this way for months. I took a trip home to visit family and while I was away we grew closer and during this time he was told he had to leave the country for work this March. I returned from my trip and he asked me to stay with him for a while upon his leaving for the trip out of the country. Of course this was a no brainer, this would the last few weeks we would have together for a very long time. I moved a few of my things in his home and the next few days would leave me where I find myself now, in a dark, confusing place. On the counter tops, desk, were receipts for expensive dinners, coffee trips, to local exhibits, some local, some out of town and all FOR TWO! I was so shocked and really upset. I confronted him once or twice and he always said the trips were in a group setting and he just paid for whomever. This pissed me off even more to think that he could invest in these outings and people or person and he would never invest in me this way. I was often told that I could afford to and should pay for my own lunch, dinner etc.

After these findings, while cleaning his home, I found divorce documents from two separate marraiges. He divorced a women (whom he never told me about) in 2014 and re-married in March 2014 and those documents had recently been filed! This December! His divorce had not been finalized and seemed to be even prolonged. He had not been divorced, the apt was in both of their names and everything suddenly made sense. The erratic behavior, secret communication, the lack of care for me any longer and the paranoia.

I love this guy and I am unsure what steps to take next…I have no idea if I was used as a coping mechanism or if he actually cared. He is still legally married and has not shared this with me! How can I continue a relationship with him? Is it morally right? Why do I want to be with him when he treats me so poorly and is a compulsive liar it seems. Should I confront him? Should I walk away? Please shed some light…!!!!