Hi,

I hope someone out there is reading this. I posted a thread similar to this in December. I’m sorry if this is redundant. I’m usually the one on here offering help and advice, and rarely ask for anything in return, but I have been really struggling as of late, and things continue to decline.

My health is declining. Many people (42 million Americans) have the same health problem I do, emergency room visits for this Are on the rise, yet Doctor’s, do not take intestinal/digestive/severe constipation/impaction problems seriously, even though it can result in death and significant life impairment.

I don’t have many friends. I had a very traumatic childhood as I have discussed on here. Lonliness, neglect, rejection, abandonment and lack of love and nurturing from an Alcoholic Mother was the norm until I was taken away from her by the courts at the age of six. I was fostered by my Dad’s sister and brother and law, they gave me a wonderful remaining childhood, but the damage, emotional and mental had been done. I have been in therapy both inpatient and outpatient most of my life. I still attend therapy, and finally managed to overcome many obstacles, obtaining two college degrees, helping people, rescuing animals, etc.

Everything changed, and I got sick in 2009. Panic attacks set in, major depressive disorder, I could no longer walk without severe back pain from a bad fall off a horse at a horse show. I had to get on opiods and steroid shots and file for social security disability. The same year, I lost my father..the last of my family (the rest of my family were unkind to me, and rejected me) including my Aunt and Uncle who raised me. I did nothing wrong. They were ashamed I think due to the fact of not wanting to understand mental illness. It was a character weakness to them. No one came to my college graduation or congratulated me. It was because I went into the helping profession, instead of business, or a Doctor or lawyer. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

After I lost my Dad, I lived in Cincinnati, he lived in Florida. He does at age 89 of congestive heart failure. No one called me from my “family” to tell me he was in hospital. He was still alive for two days before he died in hospital. Their excuse was that they did not know where to locate me. I don’t believe that for a second. He was my best friend, we talked three times a week and when I didn’t hear from him, I panicked, and could not function. I called and called. His wife was mean to me as well, so she would just take his phone and delete my messages.

I then sent him a beautiful card. She opened it. Two months later, I get a very cold and aloof letter from my Aunt and Uncles Daughter who I was raised with saying she was sorry, but my father was passed, that he touched many lives, over 300 people at his funeral, that he is in a better place, that they could not find me. He told me he left me before his death an irrevocable trust fund. I didn’t care about that. I just wanted him around, not his money, yet when he passed, I never saw a penny of it. My family knew I was poor at that time and could not hire an attorney, so I am sure someone took it. Everyone in my family, like my father are all Harvard Graduates..very successful. They don’t need the money, they already have fancy homes and cars. I have nothing.

Fast forward to today. I don’t know why I bother to make friends. Time and Time again, it always ends the same. It goes great for a few months, then they reject me or abandon me. I did nothing wrong. It usually happens when I have a friend or aqauintance here who has a car. I don’t care if someone has a car or not, I just like that person, car or no car. Then I will make friends with someone else and slowly get to trust them..I keep thinking “this time, I think I have found a true friend, one who won’t gossip, talk behind my back, backstab, leave me, etc..again, it will go well..but it happened again..they went through me, so they could make friends with my friend who has a car, so they could get rides. Last week, I cried, the friend who I really cared for, came back from her classes. We had plans to have take out. But she seemed for the oast two weeks to be getting distant from me, the calls went from three times a day to one every other day, the long visits went from 3-4 times a day to where she would come over and only stay for 5 minutes and rush off. I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming, but the day we were to get take-out, she lied and said “she had to walk down to library across the street to return a book”. I said “okay, call me later if you would like, and I went to third floor where she and my friend with the car lives, and she was in my friends room. It is a rule here when residents visit other residents, doors are to be propped open. I was going off elevator to third floor kitchen, and I heard them laughing and talking loudly and gossiping about me. Saying how sorry they felt for me, all my emergency room visits, my rapid weight loss, one of them saying something untrue about bulimia..something I would never do. Saying I was skin and bones and that I should be in a nursing home..and that nobody wants to be around me anymore because they “pity me”.  I got back in elevator, feeling devastated. I have not spoken to them since. Nobody speaks to me now, they look down. Only one long term resident will say “hi” to me. Nobody will sit with me at functions. I come to my apartment and cry. I can’t move out. I am overwhelmed with medical bills, no friends to help me, no family, no car, no security deposit. I am stuck here.

Today is my birthday. No one has called, no birthday card. I’m completely alone and rejected. Who wants to be around a sick person. So, I sit here waiting for a laxative to work, lonely and sad. I don’t have much hope for things to get better. Emergency room is tired of me, but my doctors office does not know what they can do for me. I don’t blame emergency room..but I get impacted, and I have nowhere to turn. I know that I am a burden to them. My bills are mounting and I am making payments, but several are going into collections. My sponsor from my 12 step program has even left me. I don’t know why God is punishing me like this. I have been off opiods (went off cold turkey last April) for almost a year, and I am not getting better. My digestive system and intestines have been ruined I am afraid, and I have noone, and nowhere to turn. You don’t have to respond, as this was very lengthy. I just needed to get a year of distress of loneliness, abandonment and sadness out. Thank you for reading, if you have read this far.