January 14, 2018 at 4:22 am #186527
I hope someone out there is reading this. I posted a thread similar to this in December. I’m sorry if this is redundant. I’m usually the one on here offering help and advice, and rarely ask for anything in return, but I have been really struggling as of late, and things continue to decline.
My health is declining. Many people (42 million Americans) have the same health problem I do, emergency room visits for this Are on the rise, yet Doctor’s, do not take intestinal/digestive/severe constipation/impaction problems seriously, even though it can result in death and significant life impairment.
I don’t have many friends. I had a very traumatic childhood as I have discussed on here. Lonliness, neglect, rejection, abandonment and lack of love and nurturing from an Alcoholic Mother was the norm until I was taken away from her by the courts at the age of six. I was fostered by my Dad’s sister and brother and law, they gave me a wonderful remaining childhood, but the damage, emotional and mental had been done. I have been in therapy both inpatient and outpatient most of my life. I still attend therapy, and finally managed to overcome many obstacles, obtaining two college degrees, helping people, rescuing animals, etc.
Everything changed, and I got sick in 2009. Panic attacks set in, major depressive disorder, I could no longer walk without severe back pain from a bad fall off a horse at a horse show. I had to get on opiods and steroid shots and file for social security disability. The same year, I lost my father..the last of my family (the rest of my family were unkind to me, and rejected me) including my Aunt and Uncle who raised me. I did nothing wrong. They were ashamed I think due to the fact of not wanting to understand mental illness. It was a character weakness to them. No one came to my college graduation or congratulated me. It was because I went into the helping profession, instead of business, or a Doctor or lawyer. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
After I lost my Dad, I lived in Cincinnati, he lived in Florida. He does at age 89 of congestive heart failure. No one called me from my “family” to tell me he was in hospital. He was still alive for two days before he died in hospital. Their excuse was that they did not know where to locate me. I don’t believe that for a second. He was my best friend, we talked three times a week and when I didn’t hear from him, I panicked, and could not function. I called and called. His wife was mean to me as well, so she would just take his phone and delete my messages.
I then sent him a beautiful card. She opened it. Two months later, I get a very cold and aloof letter from my Aunt and Uncles Daughter who I was raised with saying she was sorry, but my father was passed, that he touched many lives, over 300 people at his funeral, that he is in a better place, that they could not find me. He told me he left me before his death an irrevocable trust fund. I didn’t care about that. I just wanted him around, not his money, yet when he passed, I never saw a penny of it. My family knew I was poor at that time and could not hire an attorney, so I am sure someone took it. Everyone in my family, like my father are all Harvard Graduates..very successful. They don’t need the money, they already have fancy homes and cars. I have nothing.
Fast forward to today. I don’t know why I bother to make friends. Time and Time again, it always ends the same. It goes great for a few months, then they reject me or abandon me. I did nothing wrong. It usually happens when I have a friend or aqauintance here who has a car. I don’t care if someone has a car or not, I just like that person, car or no car. Then I will make friends with someone else and slowly get to trust them..I keep thinking “this time, I think I have found a true friend, one who won’t gossip, talk behind my back, backstab, leave me, etc..again, it will go well..but it happened again..they went through me, so they could make friends with my friend who has a car, so they could get rides. Last week, I cried, the friend who I really cared for, came back from her classes. We had plans to have take out. But she seemed for the oast two weeks to be getting distant from me, the calls went from three times a day to one every other day, the long visits went from 3-4 times a day to where she would come over and only stay for 5 minutes and rush off. I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming, but the day we were to get take-out, she lied and said “she had to walk down to library across the street to return a book”. I said “okay, call me later if you would like, and I went to third floor where she and my friend with the car lives, and she was in my friends room. It is a rule here when residents visit other residents, doors are to be propped open. I was going off elevator to third floor kitchen, and I heard them laughing and talking loudly and gossiping about me. Saying how sorry they felt for me, all my emergency room visits, my rapid weight loss, one of them saying something untrue about bulimia..something I would never do. Saying I was skin and bones and that I should be in a nursing home..and that nobody wants to be around me anymore because they “pity me”. I got back in elevator, feeling devastated. I have not spoken to them since. Nobody speaks to me now, they look down. Only one long term resident will say “hi” to me. Nobody will sit with me at functions. I come to my apartment and cry. I can’t move out. I am overwhelmed with medical bills, no friends to help me, no family, no car, no security deposit. I am stuck here.
Today is my birthday. No one has called, no birthday card. I’m completely alone and rejected. Who wants to be around a sick person. So, I sit here waiting for a laxative to work, lonely and sad. I don’t have much hope for things to get better. Emergency room is tired of me, but my doctors office does not know what they can do for me. I don’t blame emergency room..but I get impacted, and I have nowhere to turn. I know that I am a burden to them. My bills are mounting and I am making payments, but several are going into collections. My sponsor from my 12 step program has even left me. I don’t know why God is punishing me like this. I have been off opiods (went off cold turkey last April) for almost a year, and I am not getting better. My digestive system and intestines have been ruined I am afraid, and I have noone, and nowhere to turn. You don’t have to respond, as this was very lengthy. I just needed to get a year of distress of loneliness, abandonment and sadness out. Thank you for reading, if you have read this far.January 14, 2018 at 4:53 am #186531anitaParticipant
Happy Birthday, Eliana!
In your post you described nothing like happiness, yet I wish you a happy birthday, hoping you can have one moment of happiness in this day, be it as short as it will be. One smile, perhaps. Maybe right now…?
I appreciate you bringing the intestinal dysfunction topic in your last thread and again here. People, including myself, are embarrassed, uncomfortable, feel awkward with our own intestines, especially when they dysfunction as in constipation. It is almost as if… we chose for our body to include intestines and to process food the way it does. As if we chose it and made a bad choice.
We were born that way. We have to be okay with the body we were born with. Doctors as well ignore the issue, dismiss it. It should be brought up, discussed, so to help each other.
You wrote at the beginning of your thread that you rarely ask for anything in return for trying to help others in these Forums. Well, if there is anything you want to ask today, here on your thread, please do.
And again, for at least a moment this special day, have a Happy Birthday!
anitaJanuary 14, 2018 at 5:54 am #186547CarpeDiemParticipant
I have read many posts where you have tried to help you other people and I have always considered you and Anita a great people here on this website.
I wish you a happy birthday and I really hope you feel better. You are a strong person, you have survived through so much and I believe you will survive this ordeal. I am not wise but I think you are very wise person and I feel you can make new friends who will appreciate your presence. Maybe you try to attend few events around like couchsurfing events or internations and meet new people.
Please write more here if you feel like…We are here for youJanuary 14, 2018 at 6:40 am #186549BubbaParticipant
Happy Birthday Eliana. Today is your day and atleast here in Tiny Buddha world we are all singing Happy Birthday song for you and sending you lots of wishes and peace.
I hope God listens to your prayers and sends you much love and healing. You make a difference in lives of people here.
May this be a year of healing and lose relationships for you.
loveJanuary 14, 2018 at 6:41 am #186551BubbaParticipant
*love relationships! ?????????????❤️January 14, 2018 at 7:41 am #186561
Dear Anita, CarpeDiem, and Kindle,
Thank you for your kind and encouraging responses and birthday wishes. It really means alot to me. I will certainly take your advice and hang in there, and try to make better friends. It is very hard to get out, as I don’t have a car, below 0 temperatures, and I live in a small town where there is mostly married people. I want to follow my passion of helping animals and homeless, but when you are constantly not feeling well, always on laxatives, it is hard..but I will try. My case manager keeps pushing me saying I would not be so depressed and lonely if I had purpose. I just can’t afford the money for transportation to the animal sanctuary. She said “I am always making excuses, looking for negatives” which makes me feel worse. I then got a little mad and said “how about you cone and pick me up and drop me off, then no more excuses” she got real quiet.
I managed a smile Anita. ☺
Thank you all for your encouragement. xJanuary 14, 2018 at 8:04 am #186565anitaParticipant
You are welcome and I am glad you managed a smile!
Keep posting here today, maybe it will cause you to feel less lonely. I hope you get transportation by someone to an animal shelter, maybe someone working there who needs help…?
And again: Happy Birthday!
anitaJanuary 14, 2018 at 8:28 am #186575HanaParticipant
First HAPPY BIRTHDAY, know that you are loved!
Recently I just got tired of doctors experimenting with medications, not-listening or wanting to work with me and decided to seek out an integrative health practitioner who is more willing to do so and to be open to other options like diet, mediation, or natural treatments in addition to traditional medications. They also communicate and coordinate amongst other providers in their organization such as the psychiatric provider and physician working together. Perhaps you could look into this as well? I feel a lot better now eating healthier, eliminating gluten that was causing my body to attack my thyroid, and just the fact that she actually listens and takes a bit more time rather than just telling me what to do has been a big help emotionally.
Also, like anita mentioned, I find that if you open up to people, especially those who work in compassionate jobs like the animal shelter, they might surprise you with their willingness to help, especially for someone else that has such a kind heart and desire to help animals and people. Isn’t it worth a try?
May your day be full of blessings.
Edit: I don’t think God is punishing you. It’s just life, there is both positive and negative and sometimes it feels like there is waaay more negative than positive, but we can find the positive if we look hard, even though it is very difficult in the pain. And those who go through difficult things are often some of the most loving and kind people in this world.January 14, 2018 at 12:59 pm #186605
Thank you Anita, may you be blessed for giving so much compassion, kindness and support on this forum. God bless you.
Hana, Hi..you brought some great topics up. I have looked into this. I really appreciate your kind response. And you are very correct, all of this would most certainly help me, however, I am on SSDI, and Medicare does not pay for these type of interventions. They feel holistic, naturopathic is “not based on medical fact”..even though it would greatly help someone. They won’t pay for a nursing home, dental or vision..even Chiropractic care..if they do, you are only limited to a few adjustments, maybe trigger point injections, that is about it. I am not eligible for Medicae. Advantage plans are too expensive for me, because I would have to pay $45.00 up front co-pay to see a specialist, and I can’t afford it. Regular Medicare if I see a doctor, my co-pay is up front $29.00. If I see a specialist, I get a bill for about $14.10. I am at a loss of what to do. Thank you for your kind response, it means alot to me.
January 14, 2018 at 1:02 pm #186609
- This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Eliana.
Correction: the above should read “I am not eligible for Medicaid”.January 14, 2018 at 7:18 pm #186629VJParticipantJanuary 14, 2018 at 7:45 pm #186633AviParticipant
All love and best wishes on your birthday Eliana. And belated congratulations on your degree and on your brave resolve last April. You’ve accomplished much in your life and helped many people. You’re a lovely lady with a good heart. I hope you feel better soon.January 14, 2018 at 11:16 pm #186649BrandyParticipant
You are a huge reason why I love this website so much. It’s obvious to me how much you want to help others who are hurting, and your advice always comes from a loving place, in spite of your traumatic childhood, health problems, and the loss of your friendships. What a beautiful quality.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELIANA!!!
BrandyJanuary 15, 2018 at 4:36 am #186653HanaParticipant
I hope your birthday had a bit of brightness 🙂
I wasn’t really meaning seeking out some sort of alternative treatment, so much as maybe trying to find yourself a physician that is willing to treat you as a whole person and consider things like diet, supplements (e.g. my provider told me to start taking vitamin d which seems to help with my mood), etc… in addition to/alongside prescriptions if you aren’t having any success with your current treatment. Unfortunately vitamins, pro-biotics, and other supplements aren’t generally covered by insurance if they decide you need them, I know for me it helped just to know one is treated as a person instead of a machine to be fixed even though my provider still had me take a prescription medication as well.
And, animals are great. I pray you can find a way to get to the sanctuary.January 15, 2018 at 10:34 am #186819
Thank you for the beautiful birthday card. I’m sorry I could not get this out to you yesterday. I started having problems with my internet connection last night and was unable to get on here. Thank you for brightening my Day. God bless you.