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Viewing 15 posts - 721 through 735 (of 1,634 total)
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  • #276185
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I believe that I grew up in a world aka home no less hostile than yours, that my experience was no less lonely than yours. It seems that from one point on, my neurons/ neuropathways were not capable of holding much excitation without crashing, or being overwhelmed. So my life became that of nothing-happening with breaks of lots of fantasy life.

    Within the nothing-happening part, I wasn’t engaged in interpersonal relationships, there was a desire for company, for love but no ability to engage. I have this image from the Living Dead movie, a corpse moving toward food even though it is not able to digest it.

    The excitation in engaging, in the slow, casual experience  of feeling empathy or affection for others, and engaging feeling that affection is overwhelming for the person well adjusted to hostility and loneliness.

    It is that lower intensity affection that exists in the every day life in of a healthy love relationship that is overwhelming. The neurons/ neuropathways are adjusted to respond to catastrophe, not to a casual everyday living.

    anita

    #276193
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The neurons/ neuropathways are adjusted to respond to catastrophe, not to a casual everyday living.

    yes, wow this does resonate with me.  What comes to mind?

    • my mother forcing me to throw my father a “surprise” 60th bday party, so she could gloat how much her daughter loves her
      • from there feeling extreme emotions (so many – anger, rage, guilt, feeling trapped) just to gloss over
    • calling the police and feeling
      • like there is nothing left, either this woman is commited and I am free of her, or my life is in misery, no way out

    I can think of a few more, countless more – but do you know what it’s really about?

    It is about almost frying out these neurons! These experiences have caused such severe and extreme emotions that they have literally electrocuted my circuitry.  These pathways now respond only to this severe emotion – and not to casual everyday life…yes.

    So then what? Over time they can readjust once we remove trauma and slowly learn to adapt to “normal”?

    #276215
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, “feeling extreme emotions (so many- anger, rage, guilt, feeling trapped)” as a child on an ongoing basis does cause the “almost frying out these neurons”.

    What to do: first of course, removing yourself from people and interactions that fry out those poor neurons further. Second, it takes for you to believe that not everywhere you are is that home that you experienced as a child, and not everyone in your life is your mother. It is about gradually taking the fear and the anguish and containing it in that concept of the past, freeing the present from the past.

    I don’t know how to  do this practically without serious quality psychotherapy. Practices of guided meditation, theme: mindfulness, other mindfulness exercises and practices such as aerobic exercise,  mindful yoga and tai chi are excellent in slowing down those neuropathways. But as you know, that evening you returned from yoga and there it was: the past landed into the present, your poor husband was your mother, or who  your mother told you other people where, and the neuropathways took you and your husband for a ride.

    What about quality psychotherapy?

    anita

    #276227
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I am in the process of finding a quality psychotherapist, a difficult feat – but  I am in the process, wish me luck.

    The removing myself has helped tremendously.  Over the last week I have taken a look away from how much progress i have made.  I mean look at the example of N, I talked about it, ruminated about it for what 2 maybe 3 days – then was okay…the old me would have held onto that for much longer.  Seeing my ability to simply let things go “faster” shows me that my healing is in the right direction.

    Yes, when I came home that day from yoga, the past was full force.  My mother was right there, spewing out fire.  Yes we did go for a ride.  And sure, even if this happens less often – it still happens.

    Yoga has been helpful (overall) and I think honestly, more than anything, is spending wholesome alone time.  The time before yoga, not scheduling too much time with friends – only when I truly feel I want to.  Time to my thoughts.  Feeling okay and not fearful of this alone time.  I find myself sometimes thinking that this above all is where the true healing happens – sometimes I can literally feel it. I can feel my heart brewing growth.  I can (like when doing too many ab exercises – the last 2 your body shaking and quivering but knowing it is leading to strength)  at times I feel this sort of healing.  I do not take this for granted.

    I do know that new changes, moves, jobs, people – do not always land us on the same perfect healing path.  I do know that there will be steps forward and back.  I also know, that I am doing the work – even in moments that it doesn’t feel like it.  I know I am doing the work.  I never cease doing the work.

    #276247
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, you are doing the work, never ceasing, this is why you keep amazing me.

    It will not be easy for you to find a quality therapist because you require a really good one, a very special one, honest, straightforward, not wishy washy in any way, shape or form, trustworthy, someone you respect, someone who  will not forget you in between sessions and will communicate with you in between somehow, it can’t be isolated sessions of 50 minutes and nothing in between.

    Take notes of what works and what doesn’t work, change, adjust, keep going.

    One more thing: it is very important that you treat your husband respectfully at all times. Not only for his benefit but for yours.

    anita

    #276257
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    you wrote:

    One more thing: it is very important that you treat your husband respectfully at all times. Not only for his benefit but for yours

    I understand. But what do you mean not only for his but mine….

    #276263
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    My healing was possible only when I believed that I was a good person. To  mistreat another is to not be a good person. Not being a good person in practice, mistreating this man who has done you no harm,  is in the way of your healing.

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

    anita

    #276375
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good morning.  I thought all evening about what you wrote.  About believing I am a good person.  I thought about it on the way to the subway, I pondered it.

    Today on the subway I helped save someone’s life.  It was instant, and innate – and I was able to help her.  It is something I am trained to do.

    Afterwards, after shaking off the adrenaline.  I thought to myself – and it was clear.  I do believe I am a good person (not because of the medical incident) but I do believe I have a truly good heart.  What has happened though is that I do not see clarity of this as I am too focused on the “bad” around me, and the poisoning that my trauma has led to.

    By poisoning I mean that, I feel it is akin to this analogy:

    A sweet puppy and the dog park that is quite friendly and playful, but approach him the wrong way – and bam – he goes for the throat.

    The owner then says: oh he’s from the shelter, he has a lot of trauma.  Or oh, he’s had some bad experiences he’s easily riled up. Or oh he’s quick to pounce because he’s used to having to protect himself.

    I feel like this is sort of me…

    so back to the question, I do believe I am a good person DEEP down inside, if I look deep, if I access it – but this is overshadowed – it is overshadowed by the “badness” of the world and those around me, and overshadowed by my poisoning/hardening

    #276393
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Congratulations for helping to save a life on the subway!

    Regarding traumatized dog analogy, and the evening you came back from yoga: your husband did not “approach (you) the wrong way”, he saw you tired and was trying to help you and make it a better evening for the two of you.

    Regarding dogs, I recently talked to a veterinarian who treated a dog, gently, confidently, as she always does, and unexpectedly, with no warning sign, he bit her severely. I wonder what neuropathway was activated in that dog’s brain. Maybe he felt pain and automatically assumed she was the cause of it and bit her to protect himself from further pain.

    I thought about our last communication myself last night. I too mistreated my very good husband long ago, repeatedly, I regret to say. I had to stop mistreating him and to trust myself, over time, to no longer do that. It was difficult to feel the distress many times and not automatically react. I delayed reaction before figuring out what was happening/ who  is in the right or the wrong. That took a lot of discipline and I succeeded. I built my trust (and his) in my own behavior. I became safe for him and I respect myself for it.

    We have to see to it that we don’t mistreat another. No way around it: that “good person DEEP down inside” doesn’t matter, really, if we inflict suffering on a person doing us no harm, repeatedly.

    anita

    #276407
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    dear Anita,

    I was actually going to ask if you ever mistreated your husband.  I am glad to see that you have worked forward in no longer doing this.

    The automatic reaction, yes.

    They key thing you said here is trust in your own behavior.

    This brings me back to your question, whether I believe I am a good person.  Well, also – do I trust that I react appropriately?

    I do not trust this, not with my husband – and of course not, because I have not been.  With time and positive examples I know I can trust this.  The months prior to NYC (and my sister stuff) I DID trust that I have the capability to hold strong in any situation, respond appropriately, and NOT blow up.  I truly did feel confident about this.

    That has gone by the wayside somewhat.  But knowing that not so long ago I was able to not only acquire this skill, but also TRUST it – I know it is there somewhere.  I know it is.

    I will be honest, the interaction with my sister as soon as we just moved here, and how it took a lot out of my husband too – it really set us back – not to blame HER, but just to observe and say.

    Your realization to me, that she was number 2, that I tackled number 1 (my parents) but number 2 was still pending – was life changing.

    Yet, now there is always going to be the aftermath.  A feeling that there is recovery needed after the bomb.  That is what is happening right now, I feel it, and I know it.

    This does not excuse mistreating my husband, never.  These are never events, they should not happen.  BUT I will say that I know this is not the start of a new pattern.  I know this.  I know that the pattern is not such, and that I will not continue to act this way.  I Know I have the ability not to.  I know it.

    #276425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I too know that you have the ability to not mistreat your husband.

    What about this: focus on one and only one goal in context of your relationship with your husband and with everyone else: DO NO  HARM, that is all.

    You are not in contact with your parents, this is good. It means you are not doing them any harm and you are not availing yourself for them to do harm to you!

    In context of your relationship with your sister: abandon the goal of helping her, of doing her good and focus on one and only one goal with her: do-her-no-harm. Practically, it means not doing anything with her or about her. Let her be. If she needs practical help, can she not get it from her parents, since she has no plans I know about and never had any plans to end contact with them?!

    Leave her alone and let her be, eliminate any and all efforts to reach  out to her. I see absolutely no benefit to her in you reaching out to her, and she herself had let you know that this is so. So stop.

    And most importantly, do no harm to the good man you are living with, focus on that and that alone. Don’t try to do much good. Focus on not doing harm to him.

    What if you practice this and nothing else for a month and see how that goes?

    anita

     

    #276433
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Do no harm, the first mantra of being a doctor.  It is the oath we take. How fitting. How quickly this gets clouded with peoples idea of what is “good” some of which is really good and some of which is ego driven.

    Such as the “good” I thought I was doing for my sister, some of which felt like responsibility, some of which was not helpful at all, and some of which was plain harmful (for more than one party)

    So do no harm.

    And most importantly, do no harm to the good man you are living with, focus on that and that alone. Don’t try to do much good. Focus on not doing harm to him.

    Don’t try to do too much good. Just focus on doing no harm.

    Yes, simple.. Useful

    Oh and as a side note I wanted to share,  I connected with a very good GYN, I told her my mood symptoms related to my cycle, and luckily she has had history in treating this.  She mentioned that she has seen good results with patients taking SSRIS during that week before the cycle (The hell week) with good results.  IF for the other 20 or so odd days the person is relatively “okay.”

    I am going to try this approach. First of all, to see if truly it is only that time of the month I feel this way, and if it helps.  And also to assess how I am the rest of the month, if the necessity is there to medicate then or only when needed.

    #276437
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I forgot to add, you wrote:

    What if you practice this and nothing else for a month and see how that goes?

    I shall.  I truly shall.  I found myself in a mess because I was focusing on too many things, doing “good” for my sister, advancing my career (jumpstarting WC – right now is not the time – first and foremost I must be in a stable continuously kind and respectful place with my husband prior to large endeavors)

    First and foremost, do no harm.  That is it.  The rest will unravel.  Yes, I shall.

    #276439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Do-no-harm on all days of your menstrual cycle, independently of the success or failure of the SSRI medication.

    A bit more of my thoughts this morning, my suggestion to you-

    Take a moment and think: is what I am about to say or do next going to do harm? If the answer is yes, abort.

    Outside of your work with patients, when you feel the need to help (your sister or anyone else), ask yourself: am I trying to help? If the answer is yes, abort.

    Go back to the one and only goal: do no harm.

    I think focusing on one goal is your best bet to eliminate abusive behavior, rebuild that trust you had  in your ability to control your behavior, and not get confused by your need to help by.. eliminating helping any0ne for the next month. You can put it on your calendar. What do you think?

    anita

    * I wrote the above before I read your most recent post, double posting

     

    #276443
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think this is perfect.  Just as perfect as when you explained my sister is #2, what happened then? I immediately absorbed it and made a change.  Just like that.  Life changing.  When you know – you know. (with your help of course). This feels the same.

    Outside of your work with patients, when you feel the need to help (your sister or anyone else), ask yourself: am I trying to help? If the answer is yes, abort.

    this is key, especially because all of my energy MUST be to do no harm, so helping in any way distracts.  it distracts, takes away, and is detrimental to the one goal.

    You are right – I get confused by my need to help.  I do.  I will give myself daily reminders.

    What shall it say….do no harm, are you going out of your way to help? yes, then abort.  Do no harm.  Simple.

Viewing 15 posts - 721 through 735 (of 1,634 total)

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