February 5, 2019 at 8:39 am #278753
What is behind the scenes anyway…?
You are right…prepare. I am ready to prepare. Let’s go for it.
Scenario 1 – all off the top of my head.
- that girl N – who also knows my sister from all these years and they have texted in the past for my wedding etc
- texts my sister, oh what happened to your sister, haven’t heard from her is she okay
- she tends to do this – as to make it look like she is caring, but just seeking control and validation
- anyway, my sister – as has happened in the past – reaches out and says, N keeps texting me and asking about you, I don’t know what to do.
- to which I become stressed, stressed that N is so persistent, and stressed that it is causing my sister agitation.
Scenario 1 solution:
February 5, 2019 at 9:01 am #278759
- I say, calmly – via text back:
- okay, I have decided to no longer communicate with N
- It is your choice how to approach her, she is someone you know through me, I will leave it at your discretion.
- aka saying, I made my choice, it is no longer my problem. Just like when my parents harass you, to get info – yes I now this is bothersome, but I don’t have to change my values and decisions because they bother you, nor will I. As an adult YOU choose how to deal with these pests. You too have the tools. We all do.
Sister does not say directly, but feels sad that we haven’t been in contact much at all, and do not spend time together etc although living in the same city.
Devil immediately reacts and feels bad, feels guilty, as it is the duty of myself to make sure it does not happen. What kind of sister does this?!? Mother voice kicking in – saying wow how sad
my sister and I need space, not just for me, but her as well. It is not an opinion, it is an objective truth. I was taking on way too many of her anxieties and problems, and she mine.
I was raised to feel that she was my responsibility – but in reality – no one is anyone’s responsibility, no one that is an adult that is capable of standing on their own two feet. We are not in charge of the happiness and functionality of others. Unless that person is an infant or a dependent being, we do not have to hold ourselves to this role. To feel responsible for the well being of another adult is futile for both parties.
It is impossible.February 5, 2019 at 9:06 am #278761
Dear Cali Chica:
So you will be telling your sister that you don’t have contact with N, that N is no longer your friend and therefore your sister’s relationship with N is her business, not yours, and you are not interested in hearing about N anymore. Correct?
Same if your sister mentions your mother: you are no longer in a relationship with her, your sister’s relationship with her mother is not your business and you are not interested in hearing about her mother, did I understand correctly?
And then, if your sister does not respect your wish to not hear from her about N or about her mother, then it is a problem you have with your sister, her not respecting your assertion…?
anitaFebruary 5, 2019 at 9:08 am #278763
Dear Cali Chica:
As to scenario 2, which I read after posting the above, what will you be telling your sister (following the devil/anger inner conversation)?
anitaFebruary 5, 2019 at 9:39 am #278771
As to your first post – thank you for delineating it in this way, as it expands my understanding of the situation as well as yours.
Correct on both fronts, mother as well as N.
See, the thing before is that responsibility was always mine. There was not even a thought of – wait she has the ability to make her own choices, decisions, and employ boundaries. I am not her gatekeeper. Or her keeper at all.
So now – once I enforce my boundary – in whatever respect to an outside person, it is up to her to deal with that person in the way she chooses. She surely may experience additional stress as a result of a choice I made -such as torture from my parents when she lived at home, trying to get info about me – but at the end of the day, I am NOT responsible for the poor treatment of her by OTHERS. That is NOT something I can prevent or change.
Yes, if she does not respect my boundary of not wanting to hear about such people or things, I will have to say – sorry I can communicate with you if you do not bring up such things. If you must, it is better we have space.February 5, 2019 at 9:47 am #278773
In the second scenario, I shall say it is more of a sentiment versus a scenario.
In this scenario I will be telling my sister, if she does assert that I am in any way RESPONSIBLE for how she feels etc. I will let her know that space is essential, and that if she is dealing with an issue, she can approach me with questions etc – but I am not in charge of being her primary helper.
This reminds me, more than anything, I will let her know – which is totally amiss – that my first and foremost priority is my husband. Yes above her. This is new and changed. It does not make me a bad sister. It does not make me a selfish sister. It does not make me a bad person. It does not make me a selfish person.
It makes me a smart, well adjusted adult. I will not “un-adjust” myself for others. It helps no one.
So yes, I am here, in the capacity I can be, only when it is a win-win for me and my husband.February 5, 2019 at 10:08 am #278781
Dear Cali Chica:
I am so pleased reading your recent posts I am in full agreement. First there is Cali Chica the individual. Next there is Cali Chica, one of a team of two, wife and husband. I would say this right here is the foundation of the second chapter of your life, the emotionally healthy chapter!
anitaFebruary 5, 2019 at 10:13 am #278783
First there is Cali Chica the individual. Second, the one in the team of two, my husband and I.
Cheers to the healthy chapterFebruary 5, 2019 at 10:24 am #278789
Cheers to the healthy chapter!
anitaFebruary 7, 2019 at 4:53 am #279131
Good morning. How are you today? How is your leg?
I observed something today on the subway. It goes like this:
This week I focused on these things: work, yoga, Bodhi, and eating a nice dinner with my husband.</div>
That’s it. I did not focus on friends, making sure to keep in touch with people. I did not respond to social texts or emails immediately just because thats what SCC does. Nope.
And guess what it was…?
Focus on work yoga cooking dog winding down
Adding extra. Adding more to be involved in doesn’t mean better life<
>Seek more involved<
Seek full plate<
>Like luggage. More the better if I have space why not fill it. Stuff it more more more. Stuff the bag tothe max. Stuff life to the max. That is my habit.<
“>I have always thought:
“>You have time occupy it<
“>You have space fill it<
NO, not true..
February 7, 2019 at 5:52 am #279147
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.
Dear Cali Chica:
Good morning. My foot/ leg still hurts sometimes, during or after walking, or after resting, but I do walk the 3.5 mile daily loop, difficult recently because of the melting, freezing snow.
Keep reminding yourself of this experience of re-focusing, not focusing on “friends, making sure to keep in touch with people.. not respond to social texts or emails immediately just because that’s what SCC does”.
Notice the urge to focus on those things, to act like SCC, then talk sense to yourself, and do not react to the urge. Repeat, a new way of being is being carved into your neuropathways. Keep at it, persist.
Take the S away from SCC, and be Cali Chica the individual, and next, Cali Chica, one of a team of two.
anitaFebruary 7, 2019 at 7:32 am #279179
Yes. I thought about just because you live in a connected world, a city like nyc, access to so many things and people, in the era of smartphones where you can easily connect with someone at any time – just because there is all that, does not mean that you have to choose it.
Your baseline doesnt have to involve such, it is your choice.
you can live in the middle of chaos – but choose to not jump in. if you jump in and feel constantly bombarded, note your motive for jumping in. and remind yourself, you have this choice.
at the end of the day, I don’t have to fill all my space up, to the very max. I now have that choice, as a result of a better work schedule and most importantly, for creating space in the universe by deleting toxic people from my life.February 7, 2019 at 7:53 am #279183
Dear Cali Chica:
One reason many people do jump into chaotic situations they don’t have to jump into is because being in another person’s chaos gives one a relief from one own chaos. This is why it is so important to resolve and calm internal chaos, that baseline you refer to. This is the hardest part, to repeatedly calm that internal chaos.
anitaFebruary 7, 2019 at 10:19 am #279229
Great point as to why people jump into chaotic situations. That makes sense. It reminds me of when I used to spend a lot of time with friends or on the phone in my 20s – repeating often the same situation over. Let’s say it was a break up. I would find myself narrating it perhaps 5 times over a few days, each time a friend was asking. Never taking the time to actually sit with discomfort. Before I knew it I had talked talked talked my story all day and night, but never having processed it. Never letting anything sink and savor.
Makes sense. Something I learned from my mother. I recall my mother from a young age droning on and on about things, learning that this is the way to “process” and to “scope.”February 7, 2019 at 10:27 am #279235
Dear Cali Chica:
“sit(ting) with the discomfort” is difficult. It is this difficulty which is the reason why people mistreat others, passing on the discomfort, the distress, the pain. Sitting with discomfort, enduring it without reacting, that is difficult, it takes self discipline and practice, persistence and faith that it is the right thing to do, the responsible thing to do.