Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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October 19, 2018 at 10:37 am #231955
KkasxoParticipantOmg I’m literally a road away from his house and I feel so lost being here! Instinct – run straight to his house. Intuition – run as quickly and as far away from here as possible! 🙁
October 19, 2018 at 12:07 pm #231989
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Dont worry, you’re in the area for a reason and it’s not him. Continue your plans and you will be so proud of yourself once you’ve had a good night with old friends!
October 19, 2018 at 2:19 pm #232053ShelbyvilleParticipantMade it through the dinner ok. Even attempted to get half dressed up but not as much I I would have in the past. However, went for a drink to a trendy bar afterwards and I realise I’m really just not ready to socialise. I’m trying to be positive but I can’t even engage in conversation, I feel left out or my other half who would normally be with me is missing and I feel like I’m back to scratch.
Ready to go home. Hope you got on ok.
October 20, 2018 at 3:47 am #232083KkasxoParticipantHi Shelby,
Dont worry I’m the same when it comes to socialising at the moment. It does get very hard.
How did the rest of the evening go?
I’m struggling this morning. I’m struggling to keep away from him. My rational mind is easing off a little now and I’m finding myself really considering his offer but I just don’t know if it’ll work in the long run at all.. it feels like I’m just buying some more time with him when really it’s all gonna end the exact same way..
Not sure what to do anymore.
October 20, 2018 at 6:29 am #232107ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I just wasn’t able for it last night, and felt dreadful again this morning. But therapist said yesterday it appears I’m in denial and that’s torturing myself in a way. It’s a case of trying to accept things the way they really are, even though I don’t want to. So what choice do I have?
You have a decision to make, but will you be happy to make that decision and move on, not dwell for hours agonising if you made the right decision. Do you need to try it again to make sure? As they say, people like to make sure something is fully dead before they bury it. It might work, which would be great, but it might not. And if it doesn’t, can you cope with that? You are a survivor so sometimes you just have to believe you’ll survive no matter the outcome.
At the end of the day, you have to make a decision that you feel offers the best opportunity for you to be happy in life. Whatever that may be.
October 20, 2018 at 7:36 am #232113
BellaParticipantHi Shelbyville,
I am learning to cope with the break-up of an 8-year relationship & distance is the best medicine. From the day he left on April 2 & has been over 6 months now we haven’t spoken since June which was about 10 minutes and felt terrible He told me he had moved on and was living with someone. He had been cheating several months before he left and when I found out I was devastated.
You would probably be better off if you could detach yourself from your ex & think about what is best for you. As you said in one of your posts, if he wanted to talk to you he would. That is what I tell myself on a daily basis.
I deal with the pain each & every day. My Birthday was in September & he did text me, but I didn’t respond. It hurt more than anything else. We never discussed why he actually moved out, he just said he wasn’t happy & then months later is when I found out he was living with someone & had been cheating the last few months of the relationship.
At least you had closure it sounds like, which should be comforting.
I wish you, Peace, & hope you soon find Happiness.
Have a nice weekend.
Bella~
October 20, 2018 at 9:07 am #232139ShelbyvilleParticipantBella,
Thanks for posting, it’s been 4 wks for me and I see you are on 6months and still deal with the pain each day. Is it a struggle to get to where you are, do you still feel the same as the first month?
I still don’t really have closure despite it being black and white for him. His actions didn’t match his words or intentions over the past while but at the end of the day, that doesn’t matter, it’s the final decision that matters.
You were in a relationship for 8 years, did you or do you have anxiety trying to establish a life just of your own in the aftermath, or was it mostly sadness you felt?
I have a hard time accepting things, I think probably in most things, ‘cos I always feel if I just do this or just do that, I can solve a situation. Naïveté I guess as it was my first real relationship/love.
Keep strong, i’d Imagine you must be proud to get to this point.
S
October 20, 2018 at 10:07 am #232247KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I couldn’t have written that any better myself. I would most definitely be dwelling on the decision I make but I think that goes for whoever way I do decide to go. I’m afraid that if I choose to ‘make sure for myself’ and give things another try I’ll be hindering the progress I already made and end up back here in weeks/months to come.
But on the other hand I’m afraid that if I don’t give things another go I will be wandering on the what if’s because I too am the sort of person who always thinks ‘maybe had I done this, or this it ouldve solved it all’.. It’s an extremely hard situation to be in but the best thing I can do is just take my time with it this time round. See if he does try to reach out again in the next coming weeks.
I think everything has caught up with me now as I’ve been sleeping all day. I have absolutely no energy to go and do anything at all today, I barely managed to get myself to go and have a bath and I’ve been asleep since. Heartbreak really is one hell of a b**ch!
How are you feeling this evening? What are you up to?! Have you got much planned?
October 20, 2018 at 10:32 am #232249
BellParticipantShelbyville,
I previously had a relationship of 6 years and I ended because I think we both “grow out of it”. By growing out of it meaning that we came to have different expectations for our future, I know it is the way things should be, but also unable to let go because of the attachment issues. When he finally brought the issue up, I was ok for a few weeks post break up, but after that I think the truth dawns on me that I am really losing this man. It was a hard time for me, I couldn’t concentrate on work and fearful of being alone especially in places where we had been together. But I think what really helped is finding someone you can trust, talk to them about your feelings, and most importantly knowing and accepting this breakup is for the betterment for both of you and willing to move on. It took me quite some time to recover from the breakup and sometimes when I felt I was finally getting over, but the slightest news about him, I would fall back into depression. But I held on to my beliefs that this relationship is over and however tough it may be, the only way to move is forward. I totally understand that you feel helpless and feeling like you are not making progression at all. But trust me, you will feel better! And better relationship will eventually come along! FYI, I had already moved on to a new relationship and although I am in a complete mess myself in this current relationship but I had recover fully from the past ones, and I could think about my ex- and not feel bad about it, we both live our own life now and is not in contact with each other, and that is because we both have completely move on and not about any hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck! 🙂
Bell
October 20, 2018 at 10:56 am #232257KkasxoParticipantWelcome to the thread and thank you for sharing your story. I think it gives insight for both myself and Shelby regarding the moving on process.
The issue I am having, not sure if Shelby will agree, is that perhaps the reason why im still holding on is because I don’t fully want to let go? I haven’t accepted the end per say although it very clearly is the end..
Did you experience this at all?
October 20, 2018 at 11:55 am #232277ShelbyvilleParticipantBell,
Thank you for posting. I’m sorry to hear you went through a tough time, but glad you made it to the other side. I hope one day I won’t feel as sad and lost. But I’m fearful it will take me a long long time.
Kkasxo,
I don’t think there should be any issue with you taking your time, you’re not deciding on a new dress or a holiday. You’re considering your happiness, your heart and your emotional well-being. It’s a lot. Genuinely if a man believes ye are right together and can be happy, time won’t make a difference. He’ll wait for as long as it takes, apparently that’s what real commitment is.
Have faith in yourself whatever decision you make. It’s something I struggle with so trust me, I know that ain’t easy at times.
My brother had a sort of stern talk with me this eve. Earlier this year, he separated from his partner of 15 years and they have one child. He is a little oblivious to anxiety etc but he told me to stop ‘letting’ myself feel this way. He was glad I’m doing things to pass the time but says that’s pointless without setting my mind the task of getting over it. He said having strength of mind takes determination but mind over matter in a way and anything is possible if you set your mind to it.
Now I was at pains to explain to him how it’s not that simple and psychology and the mind is so complex etc but in a way, I see what he was trying to get at. He said I’m never going to get out of the hole if I don’t start seeing myself as better off now and start seeing more opportunities in the future.
I don’t know, we’ll see. But it is true that affirmations repeated create a reinforced neural pathway in the brain, so maybe if I keep telling myself I’m getting through this and I’ll feel better soon and I’m better off, it will sink in. I don’t think you can think your way out of all the pain, but maybe I need to set my mind to WANT to get over him. Because I have no choice. He joked that I seen to think I do. But he reminded me that the guy couldn’t give me any more and that was after a second attempt. A third attempt is hardly going to work. The harshness but I know he was being cruel to be kind and just wants me to feel better.
October 20, 2018 at 11:57 am #232279ShelbyvilleParticipantIn your response to @bell – you’re right, I totally agree! I haven’t accepted the end- complete delusion and denial. At least in your circumstance you’re not as blind as I am as your ex DOES want to try, so that’s a normal reaction. Where as I seem to live in fairy land- or a deep dark forest. But not in reality at the mo! 🙁
October 20, 2018 at 12:09 pm #232281KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I know sometimes it can be painful to hear your friends/family approach such a delicate situation in this manner. I got a similar conversation from my mum not too long ago, you know the I understand you’ve had a rough few months but it’s time to start getting your life back together now! On one hand, I think they’re right. On the other, it is IMPOSSIBLE to live my life any differently right now. Okay I could engage in all the social activities in the world, only to feel uncomfortable and end up going home to feel worse about myself. I could start distracting myself with other activities to keep myself busy 24/7 but that’s all that it is, a distraction.
No matter what I do right now I will always come back home to feel exactly what I am feeling. Unfortunately, I have no control over that.
I think the fact that we are as we say ‘surviving’ on a daily basis, actually slowly starting to engage in other activities and journaling our thoughts/feelings is as much as we can do for right now.
The key here thing is time. With time will come further progress and maybe one morning we’ll wake up and they won’t be the first thing that comes to mind!
I really do think that everyone deals with grief and loss of a loved one differently. It is a personal experience. Whilst people like myself seem to sulk in the process others would appreciate any distraction they can get to prevent them from thinking (like my ex). But look where that’s taken him?! Nowhere. Because the thoughts caught up with him in the end.
I think we’re doing just fine Shelby. We may not see it now but we are making progress!
October 20, 2018 at 12:42 pm #232289ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Maybe you’re right. But I think the therapist wasn’t wrong when he said I seem to be in denial. And that’s something I guess only I can pull myself out of. How to do that, I’m not sure. He said he will help me, so fingers crossed.
I don’t know when I became this person though. In the past, with flings etc, I’d be bruised if it didn’t work out, but I’d always fight my way back, I’d do my best to look and feel good so I could say f**k you in the end. But this time I’m dying to get back together with a guy who consistently let me down and I ended up feeling disappointed and less important that other things in his life. When did I become this woman?! I knew it wasn’t good enough during the relationship so I tentatively brought it up regularly with understanding and a vision of working through it. But when did I become the type of person who believes, that’ll do. I’ll settle for less than I deserve I guess.
However I ended up here, here is where I am. I miss him and want to talk to him, but rational head would ask, why? What’s the point, so obviously the need to contact is textbook heartbreak.
In a loving relationship, I believe people feel they are a priority to their partner, they don’t feel insecure about it, they have decided they are a team and ‘ride or die’ as it were! It’s not that it’s all sunshine and roses but there is mutual respect for each other enough to make that person and or the family they might have, their priority if it makes them happy. Is that possible for me? I’m doubtful. Where did I get this old fashioned narrow minded view that I’ll sit by the fire with a blanket lamenting my lost love until I die alone with cats and a broken heart……no clue! But there it is!
Can we survive without our exes? I guess we can, we have been. Not prettily, but nonetheless, functioning. So next, can we be happy, in time, without our exes? Literally everyone single person who advises me believes so, so they can’t ALL be wrong can they?!
October 20, 2018 at 1:11 pm #232293KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I know exactly what you mean. It’s quite sad when I actually think back to the person that I was prior to my relationship. I was funny, outgoing, confident and quite frankly didn’t take anyone’s shit! I knew exactly what I wanted and I was determined to get it. No way in the world would would you ever see me settle for anything less. And then he came along and in a way completely exceeded my expectations. He was exactly what I wanted in human form. Our relationship throughout the three years we were together was perfect in my eyes. He was and still is my absolute best friend. I really didn’t think these kind of relationships existed and I truly thought i’d spend the rest of my life with this man.
And now I too find myself questioning my own self worth. I wonder where that confident and determined girl has gone? Is this what heartbreak does to people? It saddens me that i’d quite happy settle for anything that he gives me right now because I am aware that my happiness right now solely relies on his presence in my life. How messed up is that?
All in all, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I myself need to work on getting some parts of the old me back. The woman who didn’t need anyone, I was happy and content on my own, he was just an additional source of comfort and happiness. I wonder when he actually became the only source of those things in my life..
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