Hi Shelby,  I have a sort of breakup buddie, I live with someone who helped me this morning via text.

I’m on my 4th week and I do feel a little bit better. I distracted myself by drawing today which is something that REALLY helped and an activity I haven’t done for years.

Shelby,

I’m happy to hear your anxiety wasn’t as bad today (: I’ve been to hell and back with anxiety so all the advice I can give is that when you do or if you have a panic attack remember it is a fight/flight reaction and the max amount of time it can last is 20 minutes. It is understandable why you had a little attack over your ex moving on to someone else. I am aware that a lot of that is most likely information you are already aware of.

Unrelated, but my breakup-buddie is sort of around, like they just cooked food then left with their boyfriend, so im on my own with my thoughts again (yay! *sarcasm*). I should add that that is completely fine for them, but if I’m getting any anxiety its not being helped by any abandonment issues I have (but thats for another day lol)

I have also been journalling, a lot of it has been short summaries, lists and a lot of “why have you done this?! arrghh!” written across the page haha

Shelby, kkasxo,

Im having a weak moment..

After talking about my coping mechanisms, tonight is difficult. my friend (also the one who acted as a breakup buddie this morning) cooked tea then just left with her boyfriend.

I feel like a burden as I keep asking when people are in or out, but my anxiety flares up with sudden change/abandoment.

So tonight I am highly anxious, im trying to breathe and calm down so I can sleep but its not working.

Anxiety is something by boyfriend was a rock about and always knew what to say/help me out. I am currently sat here with my thoughts 100 miles per hour.

I feel like he hasnt done anything and i have a lot of issues which seem to be present weather im in the relationship or not, it just seemed easier to cope with when i was in the relationship.

I am sat here and as mad as it sound I just want to call him and at least ask if we could meet up in a month or two? see if we have any feelings left/try fix things.

Or maybe I should go and see a therapist, im coping to a point right now but I dont feel like I have the support. I need to make new friends but it shouldnt be with the motivation of “ill have someone to call at 11pm when im an anxious wreck”.

But there were issues with the relationship and I dont know if I have the strength to build trust back up (idk why), so by trying to fix things do I just want to know ill see him one last time?

When we broke up we were both in floods of tears so it was difficult for both of us. But its crazy to just cut someone out your life, idk how some guys do that (like ghosting and stuff).

Sorry this is a bit of an anxious ramble but reaching out to others helps.

ps This convo has saved me tonight and helped me in SO many ways. Thank you!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Victoria.

Dear Shelbyville:

You wrote that you are “understanding exactly what happened and not understanding at all. I guess that’s the head and heart fighting… Rationally I know…. I get the logic, the ‘science’ of it I often joke, but still not sinking in”.

I want to give your heart a voice, best I can, based on having read your posts and my life experience-

Heart says: I can’t live without him! I am about to die! Got to have him back, now!

That’s all the heart says. The desperation of the heart affects your rational thinking and you end up with wishful thinking: “The breakup is no doubt killing him too”. It is wishful thinking because he broke up with you and if it was killing him, he would have contacted you.

Next, you try to talk sense into the irrational part of the brain, the part accommodating the heart’s desperation: “if he wanted to be with me, he would CONTACT me. He hasn’t.. it doesn’t seem as though he wishes to be in contact with me, so apart from the quick hit I’d get from inserting myself into his existence again for a brief moment, where will it get me.”

Sometimes you manage to calm the heart, but soon enough the despair awakens, the heart gets scared again, “when I open my eyes super early to start my shift, it hits me like a brick. Despair you might call it”.

The heart is so powerful not because it makes sense. It doesn’t. It is so powerful because it feels, and the feeling is intense. And it is not that you are made of two separate, non-interacting parts: the heart that feels and the brain that thinks rationally. It is not as simple as that.

What happens is that the rational brain is affected by the heart and doesn’t think rationally. Sometimes it does, often it doesn’t. “The breakup is no doubt killing him too” is the best example of that irrationality. But there are other indications in your writing of that irrationality. Another example, regarding him breaking up with you, you wrote: “I suspect he feels he did it for me”- wishful thinking, expanding this irrational, wishful thinking, it goes something like this: he broke up with me because he loves me and he will be back into my life real soon because he loves me!

What to do/ my suggestions: it is first necessary for you to be less afraid. Somehow you have to relax into the reality that you are not going to die because he is not in your life. You can live without him.

Once the fear is lessened then it will be possible for you to think rationally consistently. Specifically you will consistently understand that he broke up with you because he didn’t want you in his life, that you want him but he doesn’t want you. This simple fact will sink in.

You will feel sad but not scared. Sad doesn’t interrupt rational thinking; scared does. You will be sad, then tired of feeling sad, then the motivation to feel alive again, to experience love again, to learn, to thrive, these will awaken again.

anita