Sorry that you are going through such pain Roary.

I don’t know what to say except that.

Mark

Dear Roary,

Hi my name’s Jay. I’ve had severe anxiety and depression in my early 20’s. I had some very dark thoughts. It was one of the toughest points of my life. You have my support. My response will be a little direct, but it comes from the heart.

Firstly, why should you not end everything..

Because you have been given this gift called ‘life’. You exist. You can think. You can feel. This is incredible. The chances of a person coming into existence are mathematically minute and/or you been given this gift by a higher power. Dont end it. There is light there- I promise.

Now I know things feels horrible. But this is a phase. It is temporary. But you have to want to believe this and want to be ‘happy’. Your mind is the most powerful tool you have. It’s tough, I know, I’ve been there. I still go through less severe episodes, but make your mind  search for those happy moments and emotions. Engage in a task or activity and practice gratitude- be grateful purely for existing in that moment and doing. Right now I’m grateful for this computer I’m using that allows me to do so many things, including reaching out to you. I have a roof over my head and a warm bed to climb into. I will have breakfast tomorrow. I have four functioning limbs. Simple stuff.

You probably have wealth and opportunity beyond what 90% of this worlds population have. And I’m sure you have many other things. Reach out to someone- if you have friends you can speak to. If you dont, reach out to someone by saying ‘hello, how’s your day going’. Go and volunteer for those less fortunate than you. And if your job sucks, and it’s mind numbing, find something different.

It’s down to you though. You can do this. There is so much joy and worth in life. It actually took me an episode of severe depression to appreciate this.

Good luck. Positive thoughts out to you. There’s lots of things out there to help you along..

Jay x

Dear Roary,

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I have been where you are in terms of depression and anxiety.

You wrote that you read a lot of books and tried medication, therapy, CBT. I am guessing that you tried much more beyond that, so while I really want to give you advice based on what worked for me, I understand it might not be helpful for you.

I wonder – how long have you been in therapy? Can you put your finger on why it might not have worked?

You asked “What is the point in staying alive, when you’re suffering so much?” When your brain is constantly in Burnout and fight or flight mode, its really difficult to enjoy life. For me it was like a heavy blanket on my brain and body. Hard to come up with big plans to change your life then, isn’t it? But what about the small things? When was the last time you did something nice just for yourself? Drank a nice cup of cocoa (or something else) in a park cafe? Visited a new restaurant? Read a fun book? Go for a walk for a few minutes or longer? Maybe fun for you is something else (sports? Cinema?), but I challenge you to try to do at least one nice thing just for you every day. You can, but don’t have to, take a friend. Often its much easier just to go by oneself. Maybe some things will turn out not to be fun after all, but that is fine. You can mark those down as experiences and try something else the next day.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lara.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lara.

Dear Roary

I’m sorry that you feel like this. But I’m sure, one day you will wake up and see that tiny bit of hope in your heart that would make you want to live again.

I’ve also been diagnosed with GAD(mainly ‘coz I have poor coping skills) almost a decade ago. I wasn’t prescribed any medication but was asked to do therapy. It was then that I could recognise that I’ve been suffering from low self esteem and related problems since childhood.

My life wasn’t exactly a bed of roses during childhood. My folks constantly fought with each other and other family members and all I could remember was shouting and tears. school was the only refuge for me. I was good in academics so I did fairly well and reached college. But I couldn’t perform well and I dropped out. Started working and slowly paid back the student loan.I took for studies which ironically I couldn’t complete. Last year at 36, I graduated from college again.

Because of what I witnessed during my childhood, I never really thought I deserved happiness. I was always miserable and even to this day, people ask me to smile more often. So you can understand the gravity of circumstances that affected me back then. I even thought that my parents were fighting because of me. How naive I was. Since I had that thought in my mind, I was constantly working hard at school and home to make my parents happy and all they saw was how I fared compared to other students in my class.

My broken self esteem made me vulnerable to bad souls and I ended up getting cheated on by BFs. On top of it, a close family member emotionally abused me and blackmailed me for money for a decade knowing my situation.

Current situation:

I have a college degree and I have started a job which is not to my liking, but I need it to support myself.

I haven’t dated in a decade- I was busy figuring out my finances and clawing my way out of people taking advantage of me.

I live my parents currently because I can’t afford a place and pay back my student loan at the same time.

All of my siblings and friends(read- men and women) are married with kids in school and I’m the only single person in my circle that I know of.

I come from a conservative society and hence I’m constantly taunted by people in my community regarding my single status and so I avoid social interactions as much as possible.

I’m still reeling from the pain since childhood and like you I always asks- how long can I hold on like this and go on.

My Answers to myself:

I’m good and I haven’t hurt anyone intentionally. All that happened to me wasn’t my fault.

It may take some more time, but I will find happiness and purpose of my life soon.

I’m intending to join a job in an year or so which would help other less privileged souls like me.

And who knows, may be I will have a family of my own some day.

These are the only things that help me get up every morning and do my part of job. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad. Every day is a fight with my negative thoughts and mind. Sometimes I have to literally pull myself up by telling that ‘one day’ everything will be fine and I will laugh again.

You are not alone ! Don’t worry !

Because it would be quitting. It would be aborting whatever mission you came here for. You’re in this body, in the world for a reason.

That’s what keeps me from ending it. Medication helps a lot.

J9

Hi Roary

I know you’re struggling, as am I. I’ve been in a nervous breakdown for 13 months now after the previous 5 years of anxiety wearing me down. It all led to CFS and I’ve not left the house in almost a year. I’m almost bedroom ridden, and as a wife and mother it’s tore me apart with guilt for this happening to me.

Believe me I know how it feels to be rock bottom because over the last 12 months there have been a couple of occasions when I thought what is the point, I’m just a lump lying on my bed who can’t function. I was having 12 hour panic attacks and I  could not do a single thing. What I will say is if you end it, all hope of achieving the life you want is gone. Whilst you’re here there is hope. I know exactly how you’re feeling because the last 13 months especially have been the worst of my life. I still cry and think I will never recover. I can’t imagine being sociable again because I have extreme social phobia now, the only people I see are my husband and children. It’s like life is too overwhelming now, I can’t cook, do the washing I can’t do appointments, I can’t go anywhere it’s extremely isolating.

If I’m not giving up then you should not give up either because if we give up then our chance of life has gone. We’re not going to get it back. Life is a gift and even if it’s hard it is a gift, we only get one shot at it and I’m not willing to throw that away.

It’snot any different because I have children, ok they give me an incentive to keep trying because I would never do that to them ever. Yet you should think that you’d never do it to your partner or your parents, because think what it would do to them, they could end up severely depressed and destroyed losing you in such a way. I wouldn’t want to put my husband and children through that, and that is why I never have. I am estranged from my mum but I still wouldn’t put her through that.

I’m not saying my situation is worse than yours I’m just saying that I’ve been rock bottom and still am really. I’m not giving up  for the reasons I’ve stated . I really hope you can find some peace  and just give up the struggle and maybe if we just accept the situation we are in  recovery will come to us one day  by giving up their struggle . I’ve been in anxiety and depression for 6 years after a trauma with my ex family members. I know how awful it can be.

We need to stop comparing yourself to other people and just love who we are because it’s not our fault that this happened to us  it doesn’t make it any less of a person. Our loved ones still love us dearly and that’s all we need.

Sending you a hug.

J