What will my life be now?

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This topic has 189 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by anita.

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June 18, 2020 at 12:54 pm #358873
Anonymous
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Dear Nichole:

“I know I am living with an abused filter.. But it does not mean there is no abuse. Abuse has happened because I allow it”- you were abused as a child, in your home of origin. And not because you allowed it, you had no choice.

What I learned more thoroughly lately, and have a better understanding of, is that a person abused as a child, is most often vulnerable as an adult, and people of the “special kind of cruel” that you mentioned, take advantage and even prey on the vulnerable. So it is way more likely for an abused child to encounter real life abuse as an adult than an adult who was not abused as a child.

You wrote regarding abuse: “I don’t deserve it”, and I agree full heartedly. You are right: you don’t deserve abuse.

“I could be sick and I was told to suck it up, I could be hurt at school and I was asked what I did, someone could have respected me and I was told to hush”- you no longer have to suck it up, to look for what you did wrong when you didn’t do anything wrong. You no longer have to hush. In this very recent post you shared more about the terrible abuse you suffered growing up, you are not keeping it hush anymore, and it is the right thing for you to do: to voice loudly what was hushed before.

“I am a grown woman who is feeling like a 5 year trying to live on her own.. I sit here wondering who can I turn to? It was never fair for me to have to go through everything alone and why do I have to now?”

– It is not fair that you grew up in an abused household, that no one saved you, and that you entered the adult world as a vulnerable 5 year old woman who still needs someone to love her, guide her, and protect her.

“why do I have to now?” because you are not a five year old. If you were a five year old, child protective services could be contacted and a foster home or an adoptive home could be arranged for you, and if you were lucky, it would have been a good home for you. But you are not a child.

Are there government or charity organizations that provide homes for five year old women who need guidance and protection?

If there aren’t, then you “have to now” do what you need to do to experience a better life than the one you had so far. You have to make it happen because no one else will make it happen for you.

I hope to read back from you soon enough.

anita
- This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .
June 21, 2020 at 6:33 am #359089

John
Participant

Nicole I wish you very, very well..and can identify with much of what I’ve read all around this place, may you find the victory over the areas that cause your heart pain, may all of us be able to forgive ourselves and one another, and become nurturing healers and beings of love and light 🥰

July 21, 2020 at 2:37 pm #362304

Nichole
Participant

John thank you so much I appreciate. I’m hoping to find victory as well. I want nothing more to heal and bring nothing but love and light to others.

July 21, 2020 at 2:39 pm #362305

Nichole
Participant

Hi Anita, thank you.

As always you read me well. You are right. I have no choice but to make it in this world as an abused adult. I have my good days that I make through more than just surviving and I’m so grateful for those days and days like today where I struggle hard and feel victimized all over. I truly struggle with a victim mentality and it does not benefit me but my anxiety really takes over and I feel trapped. And stuck in life.

July 21, 2020 at 3:22 pm #362309

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nichole:

Good to read from you. I can’t believe that you are now in the epicenter of the pandemic, who could have predicted that, when you traveled from Chicago to Florida. I understand that you are stuck in life. I was stuck in life for decades, I hope that you will not be stuck as long as I have been!

anita

November 23, 2020 at 8:35 pm #369801

Nichole
Participant

Hi Anita,

Long Long time.
I was in the epicenter of the pandemic. You are right about that, I would have never guessed a pandemic when I chose to move states. It was quite a jab or push off the ledge. Life was really hard and then Covid came in with a roar! The old hard was nothing compared to this!

Life has been a survival story. One day at a time. One breath at a time. For me and for many. The collective energy has made healing much harder. And very unfortunate that you cannot tell trauma to pause while there is a pandemic going on. What a nice thought though.

Gosh I’ve been on a bumpy road. I think back to reading your posts about your trials and I think I can relate. After leaving Chicago I’ve lived 5 places. I’ve clashed with many people. I’ve felt attacked, abused and misunderstood. I’m left with burnout, so numb but slowly dipping my toes into the muck with some much needed support from professionals and wise people. Time has passed and passed and I wonder what it all meant. How am I here? Feeling worthless, scared and no vision. I had some of that at one point.

I miss chatting with you. You were such a huge part of my journey. I hope to pick up where we left off. Trying to get back on a road to myself. Doing the things I used to do that made me feel better.

November 24, 2020 at 7:57 am #369813

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nichole:

Four months and three days away. We can definitely “pick up where we left off”.

“Life has been a survival story. One day at a time. One breath at a time. For me and for many”- how well stated, one breath at a time.. keep yourself as safe as possible, Nichole. Florida is now third place in the US, as far as total number of cases: not a million yet. There were over 6 thousand new cases yesterday in Florida. Texas is number one, with over a million cases and more than 11 thousand new cases yesterday. California, in second place of total cases, also over a million, had its all-time pandemic high record of new cases yesterday, almost 18 thousand new cases.

Good to read that you are “dipping (your) toes into the muck with some much needed support from professionals and wise people”- you write so well!

Not good to read that you are feeling “worthless, scared and no vision”- well, I have a vision of you today as a talented writer.

Tell me more, if you want to, when you want to.

anita

November 24, 2020 at 8:45 pm #369858

Nichole
Participant

Thanks for getting back Anita,

I honestly wouldn’t have know about the pandemic statistics had you not mentioned them. I feel safe against Covid just because of my faith but honestly I have been working with the public a lot lately so I am highly exposed.

Thanks for complimenting my writing. I think through all of the pain and suffering I’ve become much more expressive in writing and in speaking at times. When you are in the midst of suffering sometimes your voice dies and when you are put to the test you have to dig deep and find the words. I’m working on this.

What a year! The isolation has made things worse and more confusing. I’ve recently considered contacting my aunt. The one I lived with. There are things I miss about her. But not sure if that’s just the nostalgia. I read back to some of posts last year and I was in despair in that relationship at one point. I’m lacking the support I need with all of the trauma coming up for me. My sexual abuse has been prominent but I struggle to go down that road knowing there isn’t an emotionally available close relationship I can rely on when that road gets bumpy.

November 24, 2020 at 9:41 pm #369859

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nichole:

I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about nine hours from now.

anita

November 25, 2020 at 7:41 am #369865

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nichole:

You are welcome. Because you are working with the public a lot, I hope that once a vaccine is approved, you will be one of the people to get it first, hopefully next month or very early next year. Keep yourself safe best you can, until you get vaccinated.

Your writing is so much calmer than before, much improved, so much so that I got the opportunity to notice your talent. When you lived in Chicago, your writing was too often the the product of a very distressed and overwhelmed brain. In the significant improvement of your writing, I see that you are now significantly mentally healthier than you were before.

In your most recent post, you wrote: “I’ve recently considered contacting my aunt. The one I lived with. There are things I miss about her. But not sure if that’s just nostalgia”-

– it is just nostalgia, and I will show you why and how it is just nostalgia by taking you for a short ride on memory late. I will refer to your aunt with whom you lived as A:

In July 27-28, 2018 while living in Chicago, in an apartment with your father and younger brother, and close to A and other family members: “My body jolting. My head zapping.. I’m withering away… I can’t keep calm. I feel unsafe… I don’t have anyone to turn to. Not one soul… Should have gone to Florida all along”-

– you were miserable living with and close to your family, including A.

In Sept 24, 2019, while still living in Chicago, in a new apartment, after not being in contact with your family for some time, you wrote: “I have had to have dealings with my family when we lost another family member. I suffered some more gas lighting and projection… between my PTSD and anxiety sometimes it is minute by minute”-

– your family members trigger your PTSD, better not contact A!

Oct 22, 2019: “Before this happened I was totally fine with my alone time. I was leaning toward Florida.. But the wound my family triggered is deep. It has brought that little girl begging for love out of me.. This happens when we are triggered in PTSD and then old programs take over”-

– you don’t want A to trigger your wound/ to bring back that little girl begging for love, so don’t contact her!

On that same day, you wrote: “I like how Florida sounds. Away from everything. No cold. More peaceful. A new routine. New people. Steady therapy. Maybe swimming class. Possibly Zumba or some dance, maybe boxing for anger”-

– if you contact A, your anger will be triggered as well as the PTSD.

January 9, 2020: “Yes, I start my 2nd chapter here in Florida with yet again a car full of things!.. I’m in so much emotional pain, but I have hopes of healing.. pondering life and what to do.. Trying my best and advocating for myself”-

– and then the pandemic happened, Wikipedia states in its entry on the pandemic in Florida that there is evidence that “perhaps as early as the first week of January.. as many as 171 people in Florida .. had shown symptoms now identified with Covid-19”, way earlier than March 1, when the state of Florida reported its first two Covid-19 cases. The history of your move to Florida has been combined with the history of the pandemic. Hopefully 2021 will be a great improvement over 2020, for you and for all Floridians/ all of us.

More regarding A: right after you moved into her house on December 31, 2018, you missed the tiny apartment where you lived earlier, you felt “very lonely”-

– that’s nostalgia toward your younger brother and father and nephew (or niece, I forgot).

Then in January 2019, you were “doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear”, your aunt was driving you crazy, calling you “in the morning on her way to work, on her lunch, when she gets off work.. She is a little passive aggressive and controlling”. Next you had a couple of two good nights when you felt “so much peace to just sit and think”. But in February, you had a “Bad bad day.. the ups and downs are draining”.

Still in February, less than two months living with A, you wrote: “moving with my aunt was a terrible decision. I hate it now”. During March, your mind was “all over the place”, then you had a “decent couple of days”. In April, you felt “up and down but .. happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless”, working three jobs and managing to save money.

May 2019: “living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative”, and you looked for a room to rent so to move out of her house. You felt that your aunt wanted to bring you down: “the more happy I am the more someone wants to bring me down.. she wants me to lose my job because she hates that I work from home. She bangs anything she can in the morning to make sure I am up as early as her.. I am so ready to get out!”.

Later, still May, you shared that at the wake for another aunt, A “smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back out”. Following that experience, you wrote: “I feel like I cannot spend one more night here with my aunt!.. I need separation from these soul sucking creatures.. my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down”. During May you had to get out of your aunt’s house so often, that you spent a lot of the money you managed to save on hotels, all before you finally left your aunt’s house for good.

But then, in June 2019, while living in a rented room, you felt “empty and longing for my family.. I miss.. my aunt’s place.. I want my family to save me”-

– that’s nostalgia. With all your misery in A’s house (in between a few better days here and there), and in that Wake, so much misery that you spent tons of money on hotels, just to get away from A- — after all that, you .. missed her. I can’t think of a better example of nostalgia

In summary: nostalgia= missing people who brought you pain and missing times when you were miserable so much of that time, that’s what you are experiencing when you miss A or any other family member. Your idea that your family will save you- that ship has sailed a long, long time ago, as far as reality is concerned, so please let go of that idea, that hope.

You were worse when in Chicago, living with and close to your family; you are better in Florida, and you should get even better when the pandemic is over next year. I can tell you are mentally better by your writing. Don’t contact family members who will trigger your anxiety and PTSD and anger.

anita

December 8, 2020 at 7:05 pm #370750

Nichole
Participant

Hi Anita,

I am not sure if I would get the vaccine. I am usually skeptical about what I put in my body. Especially now in 2020. I know the situation is demanding but I still have to consider.

I am not sure how calm my writing will sound tonight as I am in an uproar this week. I cannot pin point why such low times other than the holiday possibly. I am pretty far from myself. So I could not even say if I was sad or depressed just comes in waves of anxiety or shut down. I hate this feeling. I know it is so common in PTSD but I want nothing more than to be able to breath and feel connected.

So I have read all the past posts regarding my Aunt however I still think about engaging all the time. How alarming is that? Here is my explanations. My aunt definitely projects and she victimized in many situations and even denied smearing me. But I look at the good. The laughs. The way she stayed by my side during rough times. She is one of the few people in my life who has reciprocated. Now my immediate family not so much. I always felt comfortable sharing my feelings and processing things with her. I have not found that and I believe that is why I am so disconnected. I need to cry and vent and process the things that have happened. So much has happened since Florida and all of it is just floating around in my head. I hardly function these days. I have tried many times connecting in Churches and groups and it never works. I get it. because I am bringing my unprocessed trauma along with me. Also, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I am so alone, so isolated. How can I ground this way? Don’t we all need love and connection to survive? I have not much good coming in to combat the pain and so I am imbalanced for sure. It is scary to me. I am forgetful, I procrastinate, I am on unemployment currently because the job I have is only part time so I am still receiving assistance. I miss being financially stable. I am scared of my future. I know I can and will survive but I could surely use some help. Now yes, I understand my family did torpido my boat but am I really doing myself service not seeking help when I need it?

I am financially suffering, emotionally and even on a functioning level. I keep trying here alone in Florida. Perhaps my writing seems calmer but I am not better. I laid in bed all day today with a fear of moving. I am scared of people. I feel their energy and pain when I am working with the public.

My ptsd has been triggered by so many people since leaving my family. I have found that 90% of the people I have met are just as abusive as my family. I see it now all as fear. I think I consider talking to my aunt based on what I have found in the world. Is that terrible, that I see what is out here and I don’t think it is better? I wish I had someone to encourage me and just see me in my pain. I have dealt with way too much on my own. The moves, the job loss, the people I have come across, the financial plunge. How can I begin to function and move forward. Even if I try not to think about it the thought of communicating with family or just my aunt is there. I do still feel like that little girl begging for love. I have tried to self love during this time but lately showering is the only self love I have for myself. Considering meds again. I have a prescription just reluctant to take them.

Sorry for the rant. I am feeling lost tonight. Not sure what tomorrow will bring.

December 8, 2020 at 8:22 pm #370755

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nichole:

I will read and reply to you in about 11 hours from now.

anita

December 9, 2020 at 12:40 pm #370782

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nichole:

“I am not sur if I would get the vaccine”- I will and I hope you do too. For a vaccine to protect society, a large proportion of the society needs to be vaccinated, otherwise it will not work. As far as the Covid vaccine, it will take 70% or so of society to be vaccinated in order to achieve herd immunity.

You shared that your job is currently part time and therefore you are on unemployment, that your writing may appear calmer, but you are not calm: this week you’ve been “in an uproar.. in waves of anxiety or shut down”. You are considering meds, having a prescription that you are reluctant to take, that you are “so alone, so isolated”, that you don’t belong anywhere, and that you need to connect to people.

You wrote: “My ptsd has been triggered by so many people since leaving my family. I have found that 90% of the people I have met are just as abusive as my family”.

You’ve been considering talking to your aunt because in comparison to your other family members, as well as to 90% of the people you met in Florida, she is not so bad: she stayed by your side during rough times and you felt comfortable sharing your feelings “and processing things with her”.

A question to you: when did you communicate last with your aunt and what was it about.. what did she say to you?

anita

December 9, 2020 at 2:34 pm #370794

Nichole
Participant

You are right. I just got some more information on it today. And looking outside of myself it is best to get it for our society. Stronger Together.

The last time I spoke to my aunt on the phone was in April. I called her desperately and divulged the details of my sexual abuse. At the time in was just grappling over in my mind and body. Initially she was very compassionate. She validated my feelings offered to help me with anything I needed. Offered to buy me a plane ticket or to call my cousins who live two hours away from me to pick me up. I declined both at the time. Because after the fact I got scared. My anxiety rushed in and I remembered all that happened to us before this.

Now a few days later this was our interaction. She called to check in. I told her I was still feeling bad. I wanted more from her. I wanted her to hold me in that moment but I know she couldn’t. I did want to take her offer on the plane ticket and go with her and I wish I had at the time. I needed someone so bad. I still was semi full of life at the time. But doubt over took me.

Then came some shame. Asking me why I had stopped contact with everyone if David was my reason of being afraid. I don’t know if she meant to be shaming but I felt shame. And I wished I could communicate better. But I just shut down and blocked her again. Which is not cool on my part. I can’t trust what is wrong or right. I’ve literally blocked so many people after an interaction like this. My issue is communication. Really, it’s confrontation. If I felt shamed I need to speak up and say hey what you are saying is making me feel bad. If I don’t I’m left with assumptions and fear of what could have been

December 9, 2020 at 3:12 pm #370796

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nichole:

“I don’t know if she meant to be shaming but I felt shame. And I wished I could communicate better. But I just shut down and blocked her again”-

– if you contact her again, you have to stop jumping to conclusions (concluding that she meant to shame you, for example), assuming people meant to make you feel this or that way just because you feel it.

You have to learn to ask if what you assume and perceive is what was meant, ask before you block.

(I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

anita
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