Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→When you feel shame.
- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 6 months ago by shauna.
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April 3, 2013 at 10:36 am #30243Kelly NguyenParticipant
We all have shame. It could be about our belief that we are a failure in relationships, that we are broke, that we are more attracted to someone of the same sex, that we have a disease, that we have been abused, etc. Shame has the capacity to murder our self-worth at times. What is your shame (please only share if you feel comfortable. Otherwise, skip to the next question)? How does it impact your body, your mind, and relationship with yourself and others?
April 3, 2013 at 12:11 pm #30292Tim McAuleyParticipantA few months ago while watching Brene Brown’s Tedtalk I heard the voice of my own shame.
I sat with it for an afternoon and realized just how much of my life is affected by this underlying feeling; how I carry myself, my defense mechanisms, many of my goals and the depths of my relationships. For a few days I mulled it over. It didn’t make sense to me how we can so easily be convinced of such foolish things.
Over the course of the past few months, I’ve caught myself in feeling that general sense of panic; “I haven’t done enough.” “I’m not successful enough.” “I’m never going to find her.” etc. etc. Instead of fighting it I’ve sat with it; owned the feeling and talked to it. Some of the most important words that came from those talks were “You are not broken.”
I have my fair share of scars; I am partially responsible for a few as well. I’m pretty sure that some of my scars have faded, and others will last a lifetime. But, one thing I will continue to remind myself that I am Unbroken.
Thanks for reading….LOVE YOUR FACE!!
April 3, 2013 at 4:46 pm #30386Kelly NguyenParticipantHello Tim,
Buying into shame or fear can certainly be detrimental to our emotional health. I am impressed that you were able to sit with your intense feelings and thoughts. It sounds like your awareness got you in touch with your beautiful affirmation, “I’m unbroken” and to move through the feelings of shame. The other affirmations I had in mind as I read your story are… “I AM Enough” and “I AM Okay.” Thank you for sharing.
Warmly,
Kelly
p.s.
I have a face now although the Buddha’s face is quite magical. 🙂
April 3, 2013 at 4:54 pm #30387Melinda GonzalezParticipantLoading…
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I think shame starts in childhood, and it just keeps repeating itself through adult hood. That is, until we finally break down and recognize it, and feel it. What we feel we heal.
I remember the first time I felt shame was the first day of kindergarten. All the kids were talking and playing, and I didn’t really know how to communicate with them. At home, my mom didn’t really talk with us, she mostly just commanded us to do things. That is all I knew, how to do things for others.
So anyway, halfway through the first day of school a little girl asked me to fix her hair. I got excited because I knew how to do that. After all, I spent hours fixing my mom’s hair at home. I had barely started making my classmate a braid when the teacher called me out. She told me to stop, and If I did it again I would get my name on the board. I remember feeling so shameful, because the teacher was basically taking away the only voice I had, the only way I knew how to communicate with my classmates.
I know it isn’t the teachers fault, how the heck was she supposed to know what went on at home. However, I spent a lifetime dealing with the shame of believing my voice was bad, and not important. There is a lot more to that story, LOL, but you get the jest.
However, there is always a blessing behind our pain. Although it took a while, once I was able to face the shame and feel it – I became alive again. Let me tell you, there is nothing like the feeling of “taking your first breath” again. This life is an awesome awesome ride.
- This reply was modified 11 years, 6 months ago by Melinda Gonzalez.
- This reply was modified 11 years, 6 months ago by Melinda Gonzalez.
April 3, 2013 at 4:58 pm #30390Melinda GonzalezParticipantLoading…
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I have no idea whats up with the funky stuff above my post, LOL, any ideas?
April 3, 2013 at 5:04 pm #30391Kelly NguyenParticipantHello Melinda,
Thank you for sharing your shame. I believe that when you share your shame with someone you trust, the shame will eventually lose it’s power. So thank you for trusting this e-forum to share your story.
I also believe that it’s important to have the capacity to receive just as it is to give. While giving is important, we also put ourselves at risk of becoming completely depleted when we desperately need to receive in moments. I wish for someone to braid your hair and …more.
Warmly,
Kelly
April 4, 2013 at 1:55 am #30461Kathy KrugerParticipantI really think shame is like a chronic disease. I reckon I’m an expert on feeling guilt (the Catholic upbringing did that) and then I somehow turned guilt (about nothing much really) into shame. I was totally irrational when going through infertility – feeling like it was somehow my fault (when how could it be) and then feeling guilty about my jealous reactions to others who were pregnant or already mothers. Because infertility was a long journey, I turned that guilt into full-blown shame over time and even now, with our two adopted kids, I somehow cling onto it and reinforce it whenever I get the normal mother-guilt of not being good enough, not doing enough. I’ve read Brene Brown and seen her TED talk – its a hard pattern to break, shame, even when you know you are being irrational!
April 4, 2013 at 9:33 am #30496Kelly NguyenParticipantHello Kathy,
I think you are right — shame is like a chronic disease. The good thing about it is that you could transform shame by sharing it with someone you trust. It won’t have the same power over you eventually. I’m sorry that you carried the shame for so long.
It’s normal to feel jealous of someone who has something you want so badly. You are allowed to have desire.
Self-criticism on top of feeling grief about not having something only further hurts your self-esteem. No need to punish yourself more.
You are good enough to be loved.
Warmly,
Kelly
April 4, 2013 at 9:47 am #30539Stephen LightParticipantThis is the one feeling I try avoid. I try not let my children feel shame as I see it as a wasted emotion. Shame I believe makes us put ourselves down and we have had enough of that in our lives. I prefer to learn the lesson from whatever happened and move forward. Having said this, I do believe that all feelings have a role to play in our lives and I wonder what impact marginalising shame has on me?
Love & Courage
Stephen Light
FB – Stephen Light Bringing The Light
April 5, 2013 at 1:30 am #30701Kathy KrugerParticipantThanks for the reassurance Kelly. I did have a mix and muddle of emotions when going through IVF, I’m sure the hormones didn’t help. I don’t think I’m far off breaking the old bad habit of shame – it is just that – a bad habit!
April 5, 2013 at 9:28 am #31188shaunaParticipantKudos to everyone for sharing your stories.
Kathy K … you ARE good enough! I know myself when I’m being irrational, I acknowledge it and watch it and know that clarity will come.
I dealt with my own shame a few months ago when I did something really stupid. I mean stupid. When I think back on it now, I know that I was acting out of fear, rather than acting out of love. I sent an email to someone I thought at the time was important. That email was received by the owner of the company my friend worked for. Needless to say, it was not warmly accepted and I received one back that left me feeling just horrible. I dealt with it, the shame and guilt waxed and waned until I finally came to the acceptance that I made a mistake and it’s silly to keep beating myself up over it with feelings of shame. It’s in the past now. The past no longer has control over me.
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