My entire life seems to have revolved around other people, in many ways. When I am alone, I often panic, and look for people, if only online, to talk to. Ironically I have lived alone for many years, but due to the lack of a family – mine had a TON of trauma I am not going to go into – I often feel really sad if I am alone. As if I am unseen, unheard, by anybody. Like I don’t even exist, in a way.

Ironically if I am around people for too long I start to feel resentful, or even mildly panicky, or worse, like they are siphoning off my energy. I have one online friend who takes forever to get off the phone, and likes to play therapist with me. She means well, but I feel resentful about it. Another person I talk to would be happy to sit silently on the phone with me forever, but I start to feel weird about it and like I just want my independence back. I do a tug of war between wanting to be alone and needing desperately to be around people. I don’t talk to either of these people every day and in fact my closest friend is now dying, which has set off a lot of suffering for me.

I tried to engage with an old teacher from college but he is an ex-academic and seems to have a mindset permanently stuck in that world. Very impressed with people’s accomplishments, and not well-versed in the suffering of people who have had truly awful lives. Which I include myself in – I’ve had some hardcore stuff. I found myself feeling resentful of him for his seemingly cushier ride in life, and he’s forever discussing (I’ve talked to him on and off, and seen his FB posts, although I’m off FB now) his nice trips and happy doings and amazing children. It sometimes feels performative and like he’s a bit on the covert narc side. Which is unfair of me, to label him, but I do anyway.

This post is perhaps not that cohesive, but I just want to be at peace with my emotions and loneliness, knowing that I carry a lot of inner pain that was not my fault. I have a hard time finding people I have much in common with, and do best on a writers board. However, they are just text related friendships, and nothing in real life. What I most need – a community, a sense of warmth and closeness – really eludes me. I look back on a life blown up by trauma, and see myself surrounded by the pieces. Whilst others seem to have been successful, and are not alone at all. Once my friend dies, I will be quite bereft.