Dear Rebecca:

You are welcome!

“My childhood was a mess… internalised a lot of unhelpful ‘messages ‘ and would like to be free from them, but time is running out as I’m at retirement age. I don’t have the resources to pay for therapy“- in the context of self-help (free of charge), you are welcome to share here about your messy childhood and the unhelpful “messages” you received back then.

And I can share with you about my messy childhood and the unhelpful messages I received back then. Maybe it will help you to free yourself from those messages.  It’s not too late to be free at your age.

“As for forgiving myself, it’s all blurring into one now“- I didn’t understand this sentence.

anita

Dear Rebecca:

In my reply here I will refer to karma as the idea, or principle of Cause and Effect, meaning that what we say and do affects (has an effect on) other people, and what they say and do affects (has an effect on) us. It’s a simple idea, something that supposedly everyone knows, right? But not so. For example, my mother used to say terribly hurtful things to me. When I complained about it somehow (as a teenager), she told me that her hurtful words should have no effect on me, that there was something wrong with me for taking offense. She didn’t see herself (or if she did, she didn’t present herself to me) as the Cause of my hurt feelings, and therefore, she continued to verbally offend me.

When we are aware of the principle of Cause and Effect, and we care to not offend others, then we are motivated to be selective as to our words and actions, so to not offend or harm others.

The way I see it,  we live in a world where all humans (who are old enough) are harming others, and unnecessarily so. Some more than others, some less frequently.. in different ways,  but we are all stuck in a world where we harm and are harmed. To put it in a different way: there is and has been for centuries so much harm in the world, that no one is free from harm: not as the receiver of harm, and not as the giver of harm.

This is not to say that harming others is okay, no, not at all. What I am saying is that if you expect yourself to never harm anyone, you are setting an unrealistic expectation for yourself, and in so doing, you’d be stuck in shame and guilt forevermore. And if you expect this from others, you are setting an unrealistic expectations for them, and you will be stuck in distrust of all.

The solution, if such was possible, would be for every individual to be aware of the principle of Cause and Effect and care to do-no-harm. To have it as a value and a goal to not harm others, while not expecting perfection in this regard. We need to tolerate and endure the fact that sometimes we will hurt other people’s feelings.. by mistake, because we didn’t think through something we said before saying it.

You suggested in your original post, as I understand it,  that you were assaulted because maybe you did something wrong: “If it was concerning something I did, I think it was a very long time ago .I.e. childhood“- do you feel guilty for something that you have done as a child, a wrongdoing of some kind, something that is difficult for you to forgive yourself for?

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You are welcome. “I have parents who achieved a lot in their life“- not their lives, but their life, singular.

“They are very much a self contained unit, not needing any other person“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t have you in it.

“They are happier not being around me“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t want you in; keeping you out, exiled.

“I feel alone all the time. I feel totally rejected by society“- alone, rejected by your parents (a child’s first society)=> alone, rejected by society at large.

“My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when I am depressed“-  and in so doing, rewarding your depression.

“and when I have achieved something great.. she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesn’t look happy“- and in so doing, punishing you for achieving.

“My sibling also gets very jealous if I achieve something and she goes quiet if I need help“- your sibling also gets very jealous if you achieve, meaning your mother gets very jealous when you achieve.

“I live alone, eat alone, am mostly alone“- just as you were trained to do by your first society, that self-contained unit.

“People are also more attracted to someone who has it all together, clearly I don’t“- your mother, father and sister are 3 people who are not attracted to you when you achieve something toward having it all together. Instead, they are repelled, going a bit quiet, pulling away from you.

“I lose jobs, men and friends and I don’t have answers to why things happen. I’m not proactive, I don’t have plans or ideas of what to do“- no one is more of a people-pleaser than a young child when it comes to the motivation to please one’s parents, so to getting their approval, and to avoid their rejection and aggression (however small that aggression seems from an adult’s perspective).

By losing jobs, men and friends and having no plans or ideas of what to do, are you still trying to please your parents, that one self-contained unit?

“There is potential for me to feel better. I just kind of wish I could get more motivation to move, change and shake my life up.. instead of waiting for things to change. I don’t know why I have such apathy.“- is it that you are still waiting for that self-contained unit to open up for you and let you in (and give you their stamp of approval), and only when that happens, then you will be motivated to move, change, shake your life up and actualize your potential?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

I am glad to read that you are attached to her less, good thing!

“I am still unable to sleep because I keep thinking stuff like: did I too much? Was I clingy? was I too caring?“- if you did too much, was too clingy and too caring, that’s okay. I mean, if you were these things, you can work on doing less, and being less clingy in the next relationship. It’s all about learning and correcting, or adjusting behaviors that need to be adjusted. It’s true for everyone, no one is born knowing everything… not even close. That’s why we have to learn.

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You shared that you are feeling very depleted and very lonely, that you lost your job last year, and you lost your side-work this past week, that you feel targeted by people, like a guy who passed you on the street, walking with his girlfriend, motioning to you and chuckling, and that you were “cyberbullied by a bunch of celebrities“-

– can you elaborate on this part, having been cyberbullied by celebrities?

“Lately I feel everything is a rejection.. there is something really wrong if things go this badly for one person. I diligently did my jobs, I was there, present for friends and family and yet.. I feel alone all the time. I feel totally rejected by society.“-

– I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and that you’ve been feeling badly for a long, long time. I know how it feels to be alone and rejected by society. I felt dreadfully lonely much of my life, starting in childhood. If I may ask, did you feel rejected by your family of origin, when you were a child?

anita

Dear Alina:

“He was born in rich country, his family had connections, even the job he is working now he got there thanks to his fathers call! He never went outside of his home country to work or to study. He only went outside just to travel. He is same age as me but he didn’t even finish his university yet! Last 1.5 year he was just working and sitting at home and eating!“- I think that when you met him he had low self-esteem, he was depressed, overeating, overweight and feeling ashamed of himself.

“We were both in different gulf Arabic countries and these countries were very near to each other. His country is very strict and he couldn’t date freely in his country, so for him it was easy to fly to me whenever he wanted and going on dates, restaurants, hotels freely in my working country cuz… no one knew him“- no one knew him in your working country, so there.. he felt that he could re-invent himself and be someone he’d be proud to be!

“He suddenly became SOO ‘ambitious’ when I came in his life. He lost 20 kgs in very short time, he started to go to gym and nearly everyday going out with his friends…. going out of depression… He was acting like he is very rich, very responsible, very mature, serious guy. In the first month of relationship he was telling me ‘I want to take care of you, I want to spoil you, I promise I will make ur life a paradise’“-  he reinvented himself to be the hero in a romantic movie that he scripted and directed: the rich, leaner, in-shape, capable and confident romantic character, a prince.. like in movies he saw.

“When I was working, he idealized me so so much“- he was the hero, the prince in his movie, and you were the heroine, the princess.

And then, you left your working country (the setting of the movie) and the movie ended.

When you were back in your birth country, he blamed you for what he blamed himself, projecting his self-blame/ shame into you: “He blamed me for not doing anything, for just sleeping and eating“.

“He told me the same when he was breaking up with me, he told ‘its not you, its me. I don’t deserve you because I cant provide this relationship what it needs’ But i didn’t believe him I thought it’s only BS reason to leave me.. but after your comment I really understood it thank you so much“- you are welcome. At the point of the breakup, he was far removed from the character he played in that movie, so he told you how he felt.

“You are right, he cannot even depend on himself and all these showing off was a lie“- not more a lie than a movie being a lie. I think that the movie he played in was about his wishful thinking, his make-believe. He thought that he could make a short cut in life and magically be who he wished to be.. in a country where no one knew him, with a woman who wanted him by her side.

I don’t think that he cold-heartedly manipulated and lied to you. I think that he was able to play a role and believe in his role. But it couldn’t last, even if you stayed in your working country. The role couldn’t have become him no matter where you lived and worked, and no matter how hard you tried to make him feel valuable and loved.

I think that his shame took a strong hold in him when he was a child/ teenager. It is very difficult to heal from toxic shame, it takes a lot of work, real-life work, as in psychotherapy.

“He wants to be someone but yet he couldn’t have any status in life, so maybe really he couldn’t handle me and my love“-he didn’t feel that he deserved your love because he was back to feeling intensely ashamed of himself.

“I never even thought ever about his weight, muscles or his job or how much money he has. His love was so conditional to me.. I just still cant believe how a person can change suddenly after building emotional connection with me.. so sad really“- I don’t think that the change was from him loving you to not loving you. I think that the change was from him acting in a fancy, wishful-thinking, make-believe movie=>  back to his real-life where shame does not allow him to love … anyone. And yes, it is really sad.

What do you think/ feel about my input in this post?

anita

Dear Nichole:

Almost a year and 5 months to the day you posted last in this thread, a thread you started on Sept 11, 2019 (interesting date, isn’t it), and a bit over 5 years and 5 months since you posted on tiny buddha for the first time (Aug 21, 2018). Welcome back!

“I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment… I am financially stable. Not overly well off, but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries“- excellent! Sameness (same job, same apartment) and Stability, financial and otherwise, are very, very important to your mental health, given your childhood and onward history of heightened anxiety and fluctuating, intense moods.

I am so glad that you are still living in Florida. I went over our communication over the years and found this post which you submitted right after moving to Florida (January 9, 2020): “Happy New Year Anita! Yes, I start my 2nd chapter here in Florida with yet again a car full of things!… Trying my best and advocating for myself“- this was 4 years ago, and you are still advocating for yourself, excellent job, Nichole!

“I am not dating nor in a relationship“- this is a factor that promotes stability and sameness in your life. The romantic relationship you had years ago in Florida was a source of a lot of turmoil and instability. Actually, relationships in general, were in the past, a source of turmoil and instability.

“I have spoken to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece”– having re-read parts of our communication through the years, I’d say: watch for the danger of nostalgia because repeatedly, as a pattern, when you felt badly, you looked back at memories of moments of positive experience with your family, forgetting the massive misery that you experienced with them right before, and right after those moments, much of the time!

“I have grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol“- your growth and much improved mental (and practical) function in life is evident in your writing!

“I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men“- like I said, relationships have been a source of turmoil.

“I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense“- it makes sense to me, this is part of your much improved functioning in life!

“Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life“- good idea, but proceed with caution. The very thing you need (we all need), socializing, connecting with others, can be a source of anxiety and turmoil. Evaluate people, be selective and patient, one step at a time.. slowly,  cautiously.

Back on Jan 9, 2019, 5 years ago, and a year before you moved to Florida, I wrote to you: “Pause  between feeling badly and automatically reacting to the bad feeling…  In that pause calm down and think logically. Focus on functioning effectively, communicating with others effectively, living effectively, producing win-win interactions with others.

“Functioning effectively and producing those win-win interactions (avoiding people with whom such  is not possible) will make you feel better over time and give you the practice you need…  Take  breaks from anxiety and distress by exercising, taking walks…  Make a routine of such (positive) distractions, ex., a walk  per day at a certain time, if possible. When you experience conflicts with other people, it is time for conflict resolution skills…  Read about and practice Mindfulness, exercise it daily”-

– still good advice today, so that you continue to make progress on top of the progress you already made, slowly, patiently.

“How are you Anita?? I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.“- thank you! I am fine, given how much it rains here! Still focusing on having a positive meaning in my life. Communicating with you again this morning is giving me the positive meaning that I need, a feeling that I am busy doing something good, intended for your benefit and mine.

anita

Dear Alina:

I am sorry about all the hardships you’ve been going through, and for so long!

“I was so happy that I found someone who is same as me (as I thought for that time), we had gone through the same pain during our growing up period, we had same interests, we both wanted serious relationship and family“- you’d think that a person who experienced pain growing up, wouldn’t want to inflict pain on another, but that’s not what happens: people in pain often pass on the pain to others.

“He sent me flowers, jewelry, he came to the country where i was working for that time, took me to the most expensive restaurants and hotels, bought me gifts. Everything was perfect, I was being myself, I could talk about anything and make fun about everything because he always get along and never judged me“- you were being yourself and you trusted that he was being himself, but he was being his best self version at the time, a best self version that was not sustainable.

“I couldn’t pay my rent (my boyfriend helped me with this), I was starving, I got sick. That time I told my boyfriend that I don’t want to stay in this country and I want to go back home. He started to accuse me for being lazy, for not being ambitious enough to start to look for another job in this country“-at this point and on, he started being more of himself, going beyond or deeper than his best version. His best version was based on and dependent on you working and living in the country where he wanted you to stay. (I wonder if he had hopes to move there with you after you settled there, if you settled there).

“He was born in rich country, his family had connections, even the job he is working now he got there thanks to his fathers call! He never went outside of his home country to work or to study. He only went outside just to travel… Last 1.5 year he was just working and sitting at home and eating!“- maybe he was depressed at home, and wanted to move away from his family and country, but didn’t feel confident in his abilities to move to a different country on his own. He needed connections there. The country you were in felt right for him.. and you were his connection there.. until he lost that connection when you moved back to your home country.

“So I told him that I want to go and he started calling me lazy“- I am thinking that he wanted his connection to stay in the country he considered moving to, and that he called you lazy not because he thought that you were lazy, but because he wanted to discourage you from moving away from his country of interest.

“Also I want to add that, he suddenly became SOO ‘ambitious’ when I came in his life. He lost 20 kgs in very short time, he started to go to gym and nearly everyday going out with his friends“- continuing with my theory (and I didn’t read yet the rest of your post, so it’ll be interesting to see if my theory is correct or not), maybe he got out of his depression when he thought that you will be helping him to move out of his family’s home and country to his country of interest, to live and work there.

“He idealized me so so much. Yes, I was ambitious, I am clever, I had business ideas, I could make networks..“- he idealized you as someone capable of helping him, as I indicated above.

“... He broke up with me.. he told me that I hurt him so much when I said ‘i will leave u’… He told me that there are so many things that he didn’t care before and now he needs to take care of them“- I think that these were excuses and not true reasons for him wanting to break up with you. I think that in the past, he placed you on a pedestal, believing that you have the ability to.. save him from his depression and dysfunctions, and that was the reason for him losing weight and being his best (unsustainable) generous, kind and positively attentive version. Once you were off that pedestal, his interest in you was greatly weakened.

“He was so stressed that I will depend on him, he told me this few times that I shouldn’t depend on him“- he wanted to depend on you. He felt too weak to depend on himself or to be depended on by you (or anyone, I imagine). For as long as you worked in that country, he placed you on a pedestal, seeing you as the strong person he needed outside of his family and his country.

“No one is perfect in this life and all human beings make mistakes, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t betray, I did mistakes but I told him all about these, I realized my mistakes and told them and asked for forgiveness. I was ready to improve and work on our relationship“- he broke up with you not because of your mistakes but because you fell off his pedestal as his potential savior.

“He loved me on my highest and left me on my lowest“-he loved you up there high on his pedestal, and only when you were up there.

“I feel so hurt, I am overthinking this every day. Why would u leave someone who loves you so much… why not overcoming all these problems together on move in life together?“- because he felt too weak to live independently, on his own, and he felt too weak/ inferior to be on equal grounds with you, working on things together as equals. He needed someone above him, someone to look up to as the strong, capable one… like a boy who needs to look up to a strong, capable parent.

“We were so good together“- you being yourself and him being his unsustainable, time- limited version were good together.

“Was that only idealization-devalue-decline process or what was that?“- yes, I believe that you are correct, that’s what it was: he placed you on a pedestal because he needed you up there (idealization) and then you lost that elevated position in his mind (devaluation). It’s not your fault, it’s not about your mistakes. It’s about him not feeling capable and confident in his abilities to make independent, adult life possible for himself, that’s how I see it.

anita