Dear Carol:

You are very welcome!

(I am adding the boldface and italic features): “In February, when I saw her after 6 weeks, I told her that I was scared that everyone would stop prioritizing our friendship once they entered in a relationship… At the time, she assured me that she highly valued friendship and that platonic relationships were equally as important as romantic ones to her... It makes me wonder if that should make me reconsider sending her a text, as I somehow expressed how I felt in February, even if it was in a subtle hint?.. I feel very anxious and I am reminded of the fact that I somewhat shared my feelings with her in February, even though it was in an indirect way“-

– her reaction back in Feb was not subtle or indirect. It was obvious and direct. She told you in no uncertain terms what proved to be untrue since Feb. Her reaction tells me that although you feel that you were subtle and indirect, she clearly understood what you were saying back then.

“I am currently in a good mood because I am going to a few events in the following days with my new friends. So in a way, I am scared that sending this text will send me back in a dark place“- new events with new friends is the way to go, seems to me, leaving the past in the past.

anita

Dear Clara:

“One thing that she mentioned she liked about me, was how kind I was. I am empathetic and try to understand“- I noticed your kindness and empathy in your interactions with me over the years, and with other responders in your threads.

“I do not think I overreact normally, initially yes, when things were unsure and turbulent. I feel she imprinted that image of me being over sensitive when we started dating“-

– so, right in the beginning of the 5.5 -year relationship, things were turbulent. This fits with your Oct 18, 2018 post of a bit over 5.5 years ago: “I have decided to take a break from her… it’s been a few days since I stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but I think this is the right move”.

“She said I brought her new perspective and I am someone whom she typically does not interact with, it is as if I gave her another world to be in“- I wonder if she said this in the beginning of the relationship when things were turbulent, or later, at times of relative stability. I wonder whom she typically interacts with: unempathetic/ unkind people, or less sensitive/ less reactive people?

“Most of the time when I am at home with her, I am very silly and funny… But somehow, I can still sense she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes. It is as if she needs to ‘deal’ with me, so she acts in a certain way or do certain things… I do occasionally overreact“- occasional overreacting creates more of an impression on a person than silly-and-funny most of the time.

I remember my mother complaining to me that I remember “only the bad”, as she said, that is that I forgot or unfairly put aside all the good things about her, and remember only the times she screamed/ insulted/ hit me. I used to feel guilty about her accusation. Eventually, I understood that it is natural for any animal to focus on danger when danger is present, and not on non-dangers. For example, a deer sensing a predator in the area, will stand there motionless, transfixed, looking at the direction of the perceived danger: not eating, not walking, not anything.

“I do lack the habit of expressing“- habits are difficult to change, but changing this emotional- behavioral habit is very important for your well-being.

“I have picked up running again, and I did it 4 consecutive days…  it helps me to regulate my emotions“- excellent!

“Just now I had an angry feeling. Primarily because after I told her about my mom, she didn’t reach out to check on me. I feel like any ordinary friend would check on me“- when angry, you forget that you are on a break which you initiated and agreed to.

“she would think I am clingy? I don’t honour the promise?“- yes, at times you are clingy, particularly during this break, and yes: you are not honoring the break you agreed to.

“I  thought of breaking up with her just to end things… I just don’t want the situation to continue I guess. I wish it can end, even if it meant breaking up. Just now I took a deep breath and just distracted myself with other stuff“- no doubt this break is very, very difficult for you, you are suffering. Possible solutions: (1) make what you fear (a breakup) happen already, so that you no longer suffer anticipating it- the relief will be temporary, (2) contact her during the (dishonored) break yet again- the relief will be temporary (as it was the first time you contacted her), (3) address the source of your suffering, which is about a time before you ever knew that your girlfriend existed. Address the core of the wound that’s bleeding in you- the relief will be permanent.

“For now, if I can initiate a break up this is something I can control…. this is something I don’t have control of…. I think I always have an option to make it a stop if I really want to“- I am thinking of you growing up with a severe lack of control: couldn’t control the people walking by the broken window in the bathroom and seeing you naked while showering (couldn’t make them STAY AWAY from the broken window!) Couldn’t control being forced to have breakfast with your father,  couldn’t control being exposed to his angry explosions, (couldn’t make him STOP!)

No wonder lack of control is so distressing to you!

anita

Dear Arden:

“I hope you are well“- thank you. Unfortunately sick with Covid at this time.

“10 months in long distance, I think we’re dealing with it well… All in all, we’re doing out best, separately, sometimes I am encouraging him and sometimes he does that to me. I never hold in when I feel like crying, I feel like if I hide something, that would harm me a lot. So just letting myself flow, of course not with everyone, just with him and on my own.“- reads like you are dealing with the long-distance well, and that it’s a good relationship (now a marriage)!

“I am also trying to find new solutions, freelance gigs… I have been feeling how far I’ve come, honestly. I can see how my mind is changing, and how fast I am growing… Building a life is not easy“- indeed, you’ve grown so much since we first communicated on June 7, 2019. You are strong, resourceful, resilient and quite amazing!

“a friend that has been giving me some mixed signals within the texts, confuses me. She asked me months and months back, ‘What is holding you there? Why not quit?..’… all I need was positivity. Not someone that would tell me all the negative stuff… I wouldn’t want that from a friend…. she blamed me for being touchy…  It’s like she is ignoring or even not looking at what I express, in a positive way…. stuff like that, I catch myself not seeing things clearly here, so it’s been making my mind busy on some level.“- you referred to her as a friend. Seems to me that she is not a friend but an acquaintance. Maybe she is friendly acquaintance at times (?), but otherwise, she seems to be someone who brings you down. That’s a shame.

What you need is encouragement, not discouragement; positivity, not negativity; clarity, not confusion; someone to focus on your positives, not someone who ignores you or blames you! I wish you limited contact with her, or better perhaps,  put it on hold altogether..?

anita

Dear Clara:

Re-reading your yesterday update, we have this in common: I too grew up with a very explosive parent, a mother in my case.

“he would go head to head and gets very confrontational, or explosive…  also very judgmental… he called me useless and loser because I didn’t get married. It was so hurtful for me, I almost ran away from home that time“- it’s amazing how words can hurt. Judgmental words from a parent hurt the most.

“So from young I have learned to hide my emotions“- you learned to suppress your emotions/ push them in. To not express them/ let them out.

“when she came home late, I don’t often text or call he during the time, because I didn’t want to upset her. Once she gets home, she realized I was upset and she was caught by surprise“- you suppressed your anger while she was at work (an under-reaction), and when she got home late, your anger within you exploded (an over-reaction).

That’s what suppressed emotions do. My mother suppressed her emotions a lot in-between explosions. Fast forward, I suppressed my emotions, and my suppressed emotions exploded in all kinds of ways, even without an outward display: they just felt unbearably intense.

“All I have to do, is to stay calm and collected… I guess that probably should be my stance when I meet her. Be open-minded and see what comes up“- I think that your best bet as far as your relationship goes is to indeed stay calm and collected and that will take changing the habit of suppressing your emotions => expressing them, every day. You are welcome to do so here, on your thread: to type them away, from the gut, to the outside (the computer screen).

anita

Dear Clara:

I wish you had a 2nd and 3rd, etc., session with this therapist. One session is not enough.

anita

Dear Franco:

I like the direct, honest way. I am guessing there’ll be anxiety on your part whichever way you go (direct or indirect), so it’s not like the indirect way will be anxiety-free.

Plus the indirect way can bring confusion, as she may not know for sure what it is that you are looking for, and you may get confused about her replies, not knowing for sure if she is interested in you or not.

anita

Dear Franco:

“a friend of mine… told me to not catastrophize the event because It happens frequently when a man is interested in a woman to act a little awkward, happens to everybody“- when he said this to you, did you feel better/ calmer, as a result?

If you felt calmer, it means that hearing his words regulated your emotions of anxiety, embarrassment, etc.

What your friend did was take the same event that had upset you so much, and offered a different way of looking at it. Your way of looking at the event was something like this: I am one of the most unacceptably awkward man in the world,  and that’s why I was laughed at, and now, the girl knows how unacceptable I am.

These thoughts understandably, cause and fuel painful feelings of shame, despair, etc.

Your friend introduced different thoughts, paraphrased: You are not the only man in the world that feels awkward when approaching a woman, everyone feels awkward.

Same event; different interpretations.

When you notice next time that you feel anxious about a situation, ask yourself: is there a different (and possibly true) way of looking at this situation? Look at it from a different angle, see the bigger picture. This is part o Emotion Regulation.

“sometimes talking with a friend is helpful“- talking to a helpful friend is one way to regulate your emotions.

So is journaling, listening to calming music, taking a brisk walk outdoors, drinking hot tea, following guided meditations, doing yoga, Tai-Chi, and more.

“he suggested… message her on Instagram, but I don’t know what to write to start the conversation, life is short I want to know her“- you can message her that you want to get to know her. Did your friend suggest a message?

anita