Dear Jack:

You are welcome. You shared that 2 months into getting to know a woman, you relocated to another country, and a 1-year long-distance relationship followed: you Face Timed and travelled to see each other. At one point, she planned to move to the new country to “to start a new life“, living with you. 

* This reminds me how often I, personally, wanted to start a new life, so many times I longed for a new life, a new beginning.. but the old found its way- sooner or later- into the new.

“when she came along, she was absolutely the one for me. It felt like love at first sight for us both“- reads like a beginning, something new, a promise of a new life for the two of you.

“my now ex ‘suddenly lost her feelings’ for me… an apparent distrust“- reads like an old distrust, from the time before she met you, invaded the new, and ended the promising beginning.

“Can I help resolve the situation?… It’s been a month of no contact, but do I initiate something now she’s living in the same city? Or do I give her space to settle and reflect?“- question to you first, if I may: what social contacts does she have in the city where you live: any family, friends.. work colleagues? Is she living there alone? I am trying to understand what social support she has in the city & country where she recently located to.

anita

Reactivating your thread because of email difficulties. Here’s yesterday’s email that was rejected:

Dear Clara:

Thank you for hoping I have a good night. It’s Tues 7:17 pm here, and I do hope to sleep better tonight. It’s Wed 10:17 am where you are at. I will read and reply further Wed morning (my time).

anita

Dear Clara:

“Last night I had a dream. I am currently raising a hamster, and I saw her pregnant and I suddenly saw a few babies next to her. Panicked and nervous, I started to check on the babies, at first I saw 4 then suddenly it became 3. The panicking goes on until I woke up“- the fear is about the responsibility involved in adopting and caring for one or both cats, fear that any one of them will die while under your care..?

“So now I have a few choices: 1) Adopt both; 2) Adopt either one of them (although they try to pair them but one is 3.5 months the other is 4.5 years old, I don’t know how they can work well); 3) Not adopt now/ at all/ look for other places“- when it comes to a person who is interested in adopting one cat, the shelter is using the 3.5-months, cute and friendly cat as a bait for the purpose of having the older cat adopted (with best intentions, of course). The person to adopt both cats needs to be someone who feels very comfortable having 2 cats, or more than 2 cats, in their home.

Would you have felt more comfortable adopting the young one if the older one was not presented as a (preferred) package deal?

“Re: volunteering. I got a chance to see the babies &  that I will potentially work with that day, some of the kids are so eager to look for human, keep waving and saying hi… Hopefully I can give them a bit more interaction and sense of connectedness“- I hope so too. If you don’t adopt a cat or cats, volunteering with young children will give you the connectedness and satisfaction that you need.

anita

Dear Lulu:

I am so sorry, Lulu, that your sister’s cancer is now at stage 4, and that understandably, you are in much pain.

You ended your today’s post (Oct 27, 2024) with: “I feel so stuck. I wish, more than anything, I could heal her. I wish I could do it all over again, I wish I could accept it more easily. The only thing I can do is cry, hold her and record. It’s all I have. I’m not certain I’ll ever be ok ever again.“-

– You expressed above how much you wish that you could heal her. You may not be able to heal her, but you can help her. On May 1 this year, five months and 26 days ago, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature selectively here): “A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others.”

Helping others is a high value for you, something that you are passionate about. Let this passion keep you strong and determined to live and help yourself and others.

“She’s always been a leader, not a follower… She’s an artist… She’s a perfectionist. She spent hours practicing her curves until it was perfect, and threw away so many art pieces and drawings because they ‘weren’t good enough’… She was a straight-A student throughout middle school… She was always surrounded by her friends… She doesn’t complain; she always makes the best of things… always spoke her mind… Above all else, though, she’s always been my best friend… I was always the writer, and she was the artist.. My sister is so strong… She always tries to do the right thing“-

– I notice how at times you refer to her in the past tense. I notice your great love for her. Your great love for her is never going to be in the past tense, is it. Fueled by your love for her, make some of your sister’s ways be your ways: be more of a leader, less of a follower. Make the best of things.. best you can. Speak your mind more often. Be a best friend to others. Continue to be the writer, the talented writer that you are. Be strong. Continue to try to do the right thing.

Here is a poem that appeared first in Dec 1934, close to 90 years ago, in its original version (under the title Immortality): “Do not stand at my grave and weep- I am not there; I do not sleep.- I am a thousand winds that blow.- I am the diamond glints on snow.- I am the sunlight on ripened grain.- I am the gentle autumn rain.- When you awaken in the morning’s hush- I am the swift uplifting rush- Of quiet birds in circled flight.- I am the soft stars that shine at night.- Do not stand at my grave and cry;- I am not there. I did not die.”

It’s good to read from you again, Lulu, 2 months and 25 days since you posted last (Aug 2, 2024). I would like to read from you again and again. It’s a privilege to read your heart-felt, talented and insightful posts.

anita

Dear Nik:

Having read all that you shared, this is what I understand happened, and please correct me in places where I didn’t understand correctly:

In 2020 & 2021, you didn’t date anyone following a decision to be celibate. In 2023- 2024 you dated women. In July 2024, you moved to San Francisco to further your career. There, you met a man, “a tech leader—handsome, athletic, blue eyes, seemingly perfect“, and dated him for seven weeks, “going on romantic dates like Broadway shows, dinner by the water… He never pressured me for sex, and I really thought we were building something special“.

And then he ghosted you, “It was like everything we’d shared disappeared overnight. I was devastated… suddenly, it was over without a word. I felt emotionally gutted“.

At that vulnerable state, your 7-year mentor, who was interested in you romantically while you were not interested in him romantically, introduced you to his associate (for career purposes), an engineer who owns a makerspace. You understood that his associate was “the best engineer in the city and they build robots/laser… soon to be worth millions“.

His associate was not a man you were attracted to in any way, other than his career- related capabilities and potential. He pressured you to be his girlfriend, and you agreed. The two of you started a company together, and, although you had your own place, you lived mostly with him in his makerspace, which had a bathroom and a very simple kitchen, but no shower. There you lived without basic self-care, working together on projects.

One night, after a long day of work, the two of you got drunk and had sex. “He told me he couldn’t use condoms, and in my vulnerable state, I didn’t resist“. Next, he talked about babies with you, telling you that at 26, you are running out of time, pressured you to act like a wife by cleaning the makerspace, doing his laundry and cooking for him. But when you asked him to help you with your rent at your own place, he refused, saying, ‘That’s wifey privileges. If we were married, I’d help.“. As the two of you “were having unprotected sex regularly“, he talked about getting you pregnant, telling you, “‘If you got pregnant, I’d just marry you’… all while refusing to offer real support for my basic needs“.

After all was said and done, you lost your decision to be celibate, you lost your 7-year mentor because you got romantically- physically involved with his associate, you didn’t benefit financially from all the work you did in the makerspace, and you don’t know if you are pregnant or not (true to 15 hours ago when you submitted your original post). As I understand it, the relationship with the associate is over, you are out of his makerspace and back to your own place (or perhaps the relationship is not completely over..?)

“I gave up my celibacy, my mentor, and my independence for this man. Now, he’s still working on his projects while I’m left picking up the pieces. He told me ‘… I’m not handing you money so forget it’ after unprotected sex planning a baby… How do I even begin to recover from this?… Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin.”- I would begin with treating yourself with empathy at this time of loss and distress.

You need care and best that you will be the one caring for yourself at this time.

When you are calmer, you can learn from these experiences best you can, and make better choices in the future. With better choices, these losses may pave your way to success. If you would like to discuss with me all that you can learn from your recent experiences, please let me know.

anita