Dear Clara:

You are welcome, and thank you for your empathy and kindness. As I re-read the quotes this morning (before reading your recent post), the first one stood out to me: “You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.”- I don’t think I ever thought of anger as constructive or helpful in relationships/ interactions with people. To feel anger at another person was always a Problem for me, something too big, too threatening, like having a bomb within me and not knowing what to diffuse it. In my mind, the desired state of affairs was No Anger. Of course, I was angry a whole lot of the time, definitely stuck in a Hurt, Scared and Angry Child Mode.

I need to re-evaluate anger, to integrate (still feels strange to say it) constructive and helpful anger into my thinking, feeling, and interacting with others. Anger needs to no longer be something negative and BAD, in my mind, but something that can be positive and GOOD.

I like your scribble, Clara, very well articulated. I like your “you want to win this? or win your life back?” It makes me think of one of the quotes: “Remember, we want power to, not power over“- power to self-regulate: emotionally and behaviorally. To be emotionally healthy, a person has to experience a sense of personal power: not power over someone else, and not the power to suppress emotions, but the power to confidently and fairly assert oneself in the world.

“my emotion is my responsibility… do no engage in the negative blaming cycle“- I imagine that the next time you get angry (at A, let’s say) the tendency will be blame her for it, it’s a habit of the brain/ body.

“Is the lashing out legit“- I don’t think that lashing out (to suddenly hit someone, or to criticize someone very angrily) is ever legit except if your life is in physical danger, as far as hitting someone. Criticizing someone very angrily is not going to do any good to the criticized, as far as he/ she considering changing their behavior.

“emotions flow“- if we are healthy. When not, they are stuck inside us, and we are stuck with them, not free-flowing.

“practice trust – trust her with what she says“– like the blaming habit, distrusting is also a habit. It will take persistence through time to change this and other habits.

“the fearful and hurt child may sometime go wild, gives her lots of love and reassurance… and do not get affected by your emotions when they want to overwhelm you…  let them go, do not cling“- I didn’t allow anger to be, thought of it as something negative and bad, so  suppressed it for so long: no wonder it grew so BIG within me, overwhelming, threatening.

In between suppressing anger and lashing out, there must be a middle way: expressing it but not all of it, not the size/ intensity it grew to be.

anita

Dear Clara:

I looked up quotes from the books recommended to you (thank you, Helcat and Roberta!) and thought of sharing some with you:

Reinventing Your Life (Goodreads. com): “You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.”

“You probably accept a subordinate role in your relationships with family members, lovers, and friends. Undoubtedly this gives rise to anger (although you may not be aware of it). You like the security of these relationships, but you feel angry toward the people who provide it.”

“A lifetrap is a pattern or theme that starts in childhood and repeats throughout life. The theme might Abandonment or Mistrust or Emotional Deprivation or any of the others we described. The end result is that, as an adult, we manage to recreate the conditions of our childhood that were most harmful to us… our lifetraps were usually developed when we were children as appropriate adaptations to the family we lived in. These patterns were realistic when we were children; the problem is that we continue to repeat them when they no longer serve a useful purpose.”

“Lifetraps are long-term patterns. They are deeply ingrained, and like addictions or bad habits, they are hard to change. Change requires willingness to experience pain. You have to face the lifetrap head-on and understand it. Change also requires discipline. You have to systematically observe and change behaviours every day. Change cannot be hit-or-miss. It requires constant practice.”

Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns🙁therapy resources. org, PDF!!!):  “Does that sound familiar to you? Persistent patterns you just cannot get rid of? The same kind of feelings mixing up your life over and over again?… In the first part of this book we explain how you can explore the origins of your patterns. You will also discover your real needs and how you can meet them better. In Part II we will introduce methods to change your patterns step by step… The therapy that’s aiming to change your patterns is called schema therapy”.

“When you are in a Child Mode your reactions towards others can resemble the behavior of a child. Like a child, you may find it hard to control your impulses: you may start crying in a conversation with your boss, or you may slam the door in a fight with your partner…  When we are in a Child Mode feelings of sadness, anger, shame, or loneliness are exaggerated; it can be very difficult to calm down… People suffering from emotional problems usually experience Child Modes particularly intensely. Small triggers can evoke strong negative feelings, even if the incident is trivial from a more objective perspective… The intensity of
negative emotions seems disproportionate to the event. Moreover, it is really hard for a person in a child Mode to control those feelings and the related reactions”.

“2.2 Angry and Impulsive Child Modes…  are often triggered when you feel that your needs are not respected. However, unlike
the Vulnerable Child Mode, they are related to the so-called “hot” feelings, like anger and rage. Your behavior in this Mode might be angry or enraged… It is important to understand that the underlying needs are legitimate; it is absolutely normal
to get angry when your needs are not met! However, the behavior associated with this Mode is often inappropriate… When anger is dominant you experience intense annoyance or strong frustration when emotional needs (e.g., for acceptance or attention) are not met. This anger might come out in a very strong way, for example, as hurtful claims or sharp criticism. You may tend to “swallow” your anger. However, others may still sense it, even if it doesn’t come out so strongly”.

“What are the early warning signals of your Angry Child Mode? These may be very specific and individual, including bodily sensation (e.g. tensed shoulders) or, thoughts (“I’m fed up with all of this,” “You don’t give a damn about me”)… Sometimes a short break is the best you can do when you feel the Angry Child coming up… Use a calming symbol… e.g. a smooth stone to carry in your pocket)… Imagine a situation that triggers your Angry Child Mode and then imagine in detail how you would react differently..”.

Working with Anger (Spirituality and practice. com): “People’s attention so often goes to what is wrong that they fall into despair. Bombarded by the news, which primarily reports conflicts and catastrophes, they forget the continual kindness that people show each other. The rejoicing meditation is an antidote to this. It is easy to do and can be done anywhere. For example… While waiting at the dentist’s office, we can rejoice in the kindness of all dentists and in the help people receive from them, while also praying that everyone with dental problems has access to the help he needs. Upon hearing someone receiving an award for excellence, we can be pleased with their talent and others’ recognition of it… By each day making a mental note of our pleasure in others’ good fortune, well-being, virtue, and excellent qualities, we will become joyful… All in all, only good, no harm, will come from abandoning envy and instead rejoicing.”

Prescence (Goodreads. com): “focus less on the impression you’re making on others and more on the impression you’re making on yourself.”, “A confident person — knowing and believing in her identity — carries tools, not weapons.”,  “Remember, we want power to, not power over. We want to look confident and relaxed, not as though we’re trying our best to dominate. The goal is intimacy, not intimidation.”

“Presence emerges when we feel personally powerful, which allows us to be acutely attuned to our most sincere selves.”, “Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.”, “If you’re protecting yourself against harm—emotional harm or humiliation—you can’t be present, because you’re too protected.”, “Virtually everyone can recall a moment when they felt they were being true to themselves, but few can say they always feel that way.”.

End of quotes.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome! I don’t have a book to recommend (haven’t read books in more than 10 years). I hope that you relax and enjoy your solo trip this week, think things through, at your own pace.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome, and thank you for being as kind and gracious as you are!

“I think you have a point, that my emotions just go up and down or go in no directions..“- emotion regulation (the ability to exert control over one’s emotional state), and anger management (recognizing when you start feeling angry, then taking action to calm down before acting on the anger) are things to look more into.

“I do give credits to my current on a break partner, I think she did try to make me feel a lot more secure. Once I am secured, I don’t have the fear/ anger responds, other than at times I overreact when things go unexpected“- things in life do go unexpectedly sooner or later (often in the same day), so you feeling secure because of her support cannot be more than temporary.

A seems like a decent, non-abusive person, from what you shared. You entered the relationship in your 30s insecure. Expecting her to make you feel secure is not realistic and a burden to her. She’ll fail no matter how hard she tries!

“I don’t think (just for my perspective) that the current relationship is abusive. My previous one might be indeed, the indicators were more obvious, I was more explosive like my dad“- notice your wording: you were more explosive in the previous relationship. In the current, less explosive may be .. explosive enough to scare A.

“There were…  no verbal abuse (bxtch etc.), no physical abuse“- words are as good as their definitions. The abuse I think that you perpetrated against A is this kind of emotional abuse: a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator generally instills fear in the other.

“I don’t think I threaten her/ gaslight her in any sense, nor did she. But I know I have a very serious look when I get irritated or angry, she might be sensitive to other upset“- everyone is sensitive to others’ expressed anger. Animals are very sensitive to anger expressed by other animals, feeling threatened by it.

Inherent in the emotion (e-motion/ energy in motion) of anger is an energy toward harming the object of one’s anger. Inherent in one’s anger is a threat to the safety or security of the other. Therefore, repeated expression of anger against a partner who is not abusive (A) is.. a pattern in which one instills fear in the other.

“I re-read again. When I read you said the anger part took over and made me do stuff that I normally don’t (being empathetic etc.), I do agree. My feelings were my head was exploding, and I was a bit out of control“- again, emotion regulation and anger management will be very, very helpful: both your inner experience (head exploding) and the outer expressions of your anger will calm down a great deal.

“The pattern you found was accurate, I started to blame my close one”– repeatedly blaming a person for what they are not guilty of is also a form of emotional abuse.

“I don’t think I leashed it out without regulation at all“- yes, you did exercise some emotion regulation not calling her names or hitting her (if at the time you felt like doing these things).

“Sometime I do leash out, sometime not“- how about never?

“The emotions and the pattern is there indeed. The pattern was not resolved as well“- the pattern of under-regulated anger and blaming her for what she is not guilty of, is the emotional abuse I am referring to.

Here is how it looks like to be emotionally abused: “I sometime have some overreacting and made her scared, she takes my emotions as her responsibilities and it seems those are too heavy for her” (June 27), “my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time” (July 2), “she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes“ (July 5).

Your under-regulated anger scares her.

I happen to be the victim of under-regulated anger as a young child and onward. My mother exercised some control over the expressions of her anger: she hit me but she didn’t break my bones (she literally told me that she is not stupid enough to break my bones and get into trouble, that she is careful). She called me names, she blamed me for her .. insecurities. She severely shamed and guilt-tripping me with the words she said, yelled, repeated.

As a younger adult, I used to have this recurring dream that very much puzzled me at the time: in my dreams, I would see my mother. No one else and nothing else but her body with her face intently looking at me angrily. No words. No hitting. Just anger registered in  her face.

Her anger still vibrates through my body every day, every hour, for more than half a century, in the form of (very uncomfortable and sometimes painful) motor and vocal tics. Her anger  is literally in-motion: moving the muscles of my body (diaphragm, shoulders, face) by itself, without my consent.

Having been abused, I proceeded to abuse a few others, and it’s difficult for me still to admit it to share this. It’s been very difficult for me to forgive myself for those incidents (after no longer being abusive). It’s still painful to remember or think about. This is why I admire you for being willing to look into this difficult topic.

anita

Dear Clara: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear Clara:

*Note added late into typing this post: this is another post that may be distressing for you to read. Remember: you always have the option to not read, or to read and stop reading whenever you choose. My purpose is not to distress, but to help you *

You are welcome. I wouldn’t send her an email (aka contacting her) for the rest of the time you agreed to not contact her.

“What do you suggest me to write in the journal? I have drafted an email  for her“- you mentioned journaling, a solitary activity,  and then your mind quickly shifted to her, wanting to connect with her.

I spent more than 3.5 hour reviewing your past posts in this thread and in previous threads, and what became clear to me, more than before, is that you carry unresolved anger and suspicion with you (from childhood) and you bring this combo into your romantic relationships, with detrimental results.

May 31, 2016, your very first post (I am adding the boldface feature): “I was in a relationship for more than a year… occasionally, I treated her with tantrum or sometime she thought I mistreated her or dismissed her, or possibly disrespected her. I was in fact, a very blunt person…  I did have quite intense temper tantrums…  In the end, my emotions were proven too much for her, and she decided to leave… She seemed to be very frightened of me…  I did slap her… I realize for the cheating itself, it seems that I shouldn’t bear with the guilt. However, as I review my previous interaction with her, I began to feel that I hit a few of the emotionally abusive pattern, for example, I did accuse her for being too sensitive, I did disregard her opinion, I did blame her for things that she seemed to be not doing right, and she did have a feeling that everything that I said was right, and she has lost a part of herself trying to follow my path. I did feel dominating... And from the way she said she needed to leave me, she said she was very scared of me, it just fit the symptoms of someone being abused… I have always thought I was a compassionate and kind person, and I guess that’s where the guilt came from… She seemed to be too scared… emotionally she was very scared already, seeing me in such intense emotions… I know her friends didn’t like me either, apparently because she said I was very harsh on her... she blamed me hurting her through all the accusation, shouting and yelling“.

I want to look at the history of your current (now on a break) relationship. To keep it simple, I’ll refer to her as A. The first time you mentioned A was on Oct 7, 2018: “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months, and we have gone out a few times until she disclosed at some point (I would say with ambiguity at first) that she had girlfriend… Basically when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on , her partner came back to her and they got together…. She, accordingly to her, was in a pretty distanced relationship with her partner… I have a very strong sense of resentment when I suspected that she was going out with her gf… and I don’t feel like this is even legitimate, I am simply not her girlfriend… We are still talking like normal, but I am thinking my resentment might be building up… I think part of her really didn’t want to talk about her partner, just because it also consists of lots of negative emotions, involving betrayal, distanced and hurt…  She did say sorry… I feel I was led on… I feel used, and hurt and angry…  I do like talking to her. But part of me feels angry and upset“.

Oct 8, 2018: “She does respond to me, and she does initiate conversation. Now thinking, it’s not easy for her to know at the back of her mind that I might just cut her off anytime, she could have just said we should cut off. But she did say she felt apologetic and so she would let me decide on it, instead of the other way round. In a way, I appreciate how she is mending this… I attribute a lot of the negative feelings to her having a partner, but I have to say it seems disproportionally strong, given that my friend and I have done nothing that crossed the line“.

Oct 18, 2018:  “I have this anger and sad emotions that gradually flow out, which isn’t good for any kind of relationship, friendship included“.

June 25, 2024: “All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit  of anger, lost, helplessness, a bit irritated by the fact that I need to ‘wait’ for one month, a bit lonely as I can’t reach out to her and connect with her as much as I want to/used to. Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just wan to use this time to break up“.

June 26: “Yes, indeed I am suspicious of her… Two days ago, I ran into her,.. from (her) facial expression, I knew very clearly she was suffering. Weirdly that night I felt better, knowing that she is just suffering and may really need some time to think over things”.

June 27: “It’s such a roller coaster ride to have fear anger sad etc., etc.,  and the feeling the love for someone and missing that person dearly… Other than that, I sometime have some overreacting and made her scared, she takes my emotions as her responsibilities and it seems those are too heavy for her. But in fact, my emotions should be mainly my responsibilities, and I will take that as my duty instead“.

July 2: “she might be afraid of making me overreact, and that may be she did not want to trigger me. May be throughout the years, my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time, she did mention she didn’t know how to deal with my reaction sometimes… Maybe she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore”.

(I can’t find the date): “she mentioned… she had to be on tip toe all the time“, July 5: “I can still sense she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes“.

July 6: “Just now I had an angry feeling. Primarily because after I told her about my mom, she didn’t reach out to check on me. I feel like any ordinary friend would check on me. I thought of breaking up with her just to end things”.

– This July 11 morning, I realize that it’s been difficult for me to think of you, Clara (such a nice, gracious person, here in your treads, a person with so much hurt and fear inside), as an abusive person in a different context, so I rejected that idea. But now, I think that you were indeed abusive in the two relationships you shared about. You were indeed empathetic and kind with both partners.. until you got angry. When angry, suspicion took over, you saw your partner as the guilty one, the one responsible for your suspicion and distrust, and you proceeded to blame, intimidate, dominate and punish the two, as well as repeatedly threatening to end the relationship.

“I am naturally very empathic and sentimental and wants to get close to some ppl, but yet I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger” (July 1, 2024)- seems to me that the two partners you shared about were not really a source of danger to you, but when fearful, you perceived them as a source of danger, and when fear turned to anger, you proceeded to defend yourself (so it felt to you) against the perceived danger, which in reality, translated to abusing your partners.

Seeing that still, during the break, you’ve kept blaming A, getting angry at her, and disrespecting her need for a break from you (a break that you initiated), I think that a reunion between the two of you is a bad idea, and that serious psychotherapy for you is a must before you re-enter a romantic relationship with A, or enter one with a new partner.

July 1-, 2024: “as a child, there was no personal space for myself…  my parents have no sense of privacy, my mom would walk in (the door often has no lock) while I was showering… He (your father)  would force me to go eat breakfast with him but there are times when I didn’t want to, to a point I cried really hard thinking why was he forcing me to do something I didn’t want to… he called me useless and loser… So from young I have learned to hide my emotions“- I imagine that you got very angry when your mother was invading your personal space, and when your father was forcing you to do something you didn’t want to do, and calling you names. You hid/suppressed your valid anger, anger that has been exploding to the surface in the context of romantic relationships.

Back to your recent question: “What do you suggest me to write in the journal?“- you can journal about your anger when your privacy was invaded and when you were abused otherwise, growing up. It will help to resolve that hidden anger (and suspicion and distrust).. that’s not really hidden.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I do my best to consciously refuse to act a certain way to get some perceived approval from them. I am proud of this“- you are giving yourself credit for behaving congruently with your value of authenticity, not people-pleasing at the expense of your authenticity.

“My mom also has/had these poor-me sessions, demanding I see her… It was in this time I believe my mom used me as an emotional venting place….Then 16 when I moved in with him, is when he began to demand this excessive visibility from me“- at different times, both your parents used you as a source of narcissistic supply  (excessive need for attention and/ or admiration).

“I truly feel bad about your thoughtful message getting left without a response, please forgive me“- you are forgiven.