Dear Danny:

I want to dive deeper into the distinction between guilt, blame and responsibility, and how they relate to radical acceptance:

Guilt involves a moral judgment, where a person feels they have done something wrong or have failed to do something that was the right thing to do. It often carries a heavy emotional weight, leading to feelings of shame and self-blame.

Living with guilt can be toxic and damaging, being that feeling guilty all the time is harmful to one’s mental and emotional health, leading to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression, especially when it pertains to situations beyond one’s control, such as being abused, diagnosed with an illness, or losing loved ones.

If someone is abused, it is not their fault. They did not cause the abuse. Feeling guilty for being in an abusive situation is very harmful because the responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim.  Feeling guilty about being abused (or about having an illness, or about losing loved ones), leads to unnecessary stress and emotional pain because it implies that the person is to blame for something they couldn’t prevent.

Feeling guilty for things that are not within our control—such as abuse, illness, or the death of loved ones—is unfair and harmful. Instead, it’s healthier to understand that these situations are not our fault and to focus on healing and self-compassion.

Responsibility, on the other hand, is about understanding and owning the outcomes of one’s actions. It’s about recognizing the role we play in certain situations, but not assuming blame for things beyond our control.

Taking responsibility means being accountable for our own actions and their consequences. For example, if you miss a deadline at work because you procrastinated, taking responsibility would involve acknowledging that your actions (or lack thereof) caused the missed deadline.

Responsibility isn’t just about negative consequences. It also involves owning the positive outcomes of our actions. If you work hard and achieve success, taking responsibility means acknowledging your effort and contribution to that success.

In many situations, our actions or decisions contribute to the outcome. Recognizing the role we play means understanding how our behavior influences the situation. It’s about identifying what we can control and how our choices impact those areas. For instance, we can’t control the weather, but we can choose to carry an umbrella if rain is forecasted.

There are many factors in life that we cannot control, such as natural disasters, other people’s actions, or genetic predispositions to certain illnesses. We should not blame ourselves for these uncontrollable factors.

Imagine you are driving and using your phone, and you get into a car accident, hitting a car in front of you. Responsibility is you acknowledging that being on your phone caused you to not notice the car in front of you stopping, leading to the accident. You take steps to avoid distractions while driving in the future (no more using the phone while driving). You don’t assume responsibility for the other driver’s actions or the weather conditions that might have contributed to the accident. Those factors are beyond your control.

If another driver hits you, you are responsible for how you respond to the situation—calling emergency services, exchanging insurance details, etc. You don’t blame yourself for the other driver’s reckless behavior. That’s their responsibility, not yours.

Focusing on responsibility over blame empowers you to take control of what you can change. It shifts the focus to proactive behavior and personal growth. Recognizing what is beyond your control helps reduce unnecessary self-blame and fosters a healthier mindset. Taking responsibility is empowering because it focuses on what we can control—our actions, reactions, and decisions. It encourages proactive behavior and personal growth.

Radical acceptance involves fully accepting reality as it is, without judgment or resistance. This doesn’t mean endorsing harmful situations, but rather acknowledging their existence and our feelings about them. By accepting what we cannot change, we reduce the suffering caused by resisting or denying reality. This acceptance allows us to focus our energy on what we can control—our responses and actions moving forward.

You are not responsible for the abuse inflicted upon you. The abuser is responsible for their actions. However, you can take responsibility for your healing and the steps you take to ensure your safety and well-being moving forward.

Feeling guilty for being in an abusive relationship is misplaced. It’s important to shift the focus from self-blame to self-compassion and empowerment.

Accepting what we cannot change allows us to redirect our energy towards actions that can make a positive difference. It’s about finding the balance between accepting reality and taking proactive steps within our sphere of influence.

Radical acceptance fosters a healthy mindset by encouraging us to focus on constructive actions. It’s not about accepting blame for what we are not responsible for.

In my case, growing up (more accurately, growing into/ stagnating in shame and guilt), my mother made me feel responsible for her pain, which is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. This guilt has been so vey  toxic  and damaging to me because it was based on false accusations and a distorted view of reality. Living with this guilt can led to me feeling worthless, ashamed, and deserving blame. This guilt was imposed on me unfairly (I now say, didn’t know it for decades, not fully) and does not my your true worth or actions.

I am not responsible for my mother’s abusive behavior. Her actions were her own choices, and she is accountable for them. I did not cause her to hit me or call me names; those were her decisions.

Taking responsibility in this context means recognizing that I have the power to heal and take control of my life moving forward. It’s about understanding that now (in the present time) I can choose how to respond to these past experiences. Even though I couldn’t control what happened to me back then, I can control my responses and actions now: I can choose to focus on healing and personal growth. I can take positive actions to improve current situation and future. This mindset shift helps move from feeling like I am now (an adult, living far away and being in no contact with my mother) a complete victim of my past to ===> seeing myself as a survivor and a thriver. It’s about recognizing my agency and resilience.

anita

Dear Danny:

Thank you for sharing such a thought-provoking perspective. Radical acceptance is a complex concept, and it’s important to explore it from different angles.

Regarding responsibility for situations like abuse, illness, or loss: You’re absolutely right—it’s not about blaming oneself for events that are beyond one’s control. Being in an abusive relationship, getting diagnosed with cancer, or experiencing the loss of a loved one are not things for which one can or should take personal responsibility. Assigning blame to oneself for these circumstances can indeed be toxic and damaging.

What radical acceptance can mean instead is recognizing the reality of these situations without self-blame and focusing on how we respond to them. It’s about accepting the present moment and all its complexities, then deciding what actions we can take to move forward. This perspective emphasizes personal agency and resilience, rather than culpability.

For example:

• If you’re in an abusive relationship, acceptance might mean acknowledging the reality of the abuse and seeking support so to exit the relationship and to make the best choices for your well-being overall.
• If you’re diagnosed with a serious illness, it might involve recognizing the situation, seeking the best possible care, and finding ways to nurture your physical and emotional health.

So, while we can’t control everything that happens to us, we can strive to take mindful, compassionate action in response to life’s challenges. It’s about balancing acceptance of what is with proactive efforts to shape what can be.

Looking forward to hearing more thoughts on this!

anita

Dear antarkala:

“No need to apologize, truth is truth“- thank you. Truth to be said: you, artarkala, you are (!) a good person.

anita

Dear antarkala:

Good to read back from you, and thank you for sharing your update with me. I know the breakup must have been a tough decision to make.

You mentioned that you felt it was disrespectful to stay in the relationship while expressing dissatisfaction. This shows self-awareness and integrity on your part. It’s important to recognize that relationships thrive on mutual respect, honesty, and effort from both partners.

When one partner consistently feels and expresses dissatisfaction, it can create a dynamic where the other partner feels unappreciated or demoralized, despite their best efforts. This can erode the person’s self-esteem and the foundation of trust and respect that a healthy relationship needs.

By acknowledging this and making the difficult decision to end the relationship, you’re prioritizing both your well-being and that of your (now ex)  partner. It takes courage to make such a decision, especially when there are conflicting feelings involved.

I want to apologize to you, antarkala, for the harshness in my previous message of Aug 2.  I realized today, upon re-reading it, that some of my words were harsh and judgmental, and I am sorry for that. It’s important to approach these discussions with empathy and understanding, and I regret any discomfort my words may have caused you.

* I wrote in my Aug 2 post: “no one is a good person or a bad person for how one feels. It’s our words and actions, over time, that determine if we are good or bad people, or a mix of the two“- and I still agree with this.

I also wrote: “you choose to be in a relationship with this man, and you’ve repeatedly expressed to him that he is unsatisfactory. I’d say that for that, in this context, you are a bad person. I was a bad person in certain contexts, and I am (still) fixing it, wanting to be a good person in all contexts“- I would like to re-write this today, without the label “bad person“: you chose to be in a relationship with this man, even though you often felt and expressed dissatisfaction. It’s important to recognize how this dynamic is challenging for both of you. I’ve had similar experiences where I acted in ways that were not fair to others, even ways that were harmful to others, and I sincerely regret it. I’ve been working on improving myself in those areas. We all have aspects of ourselves to work on, and it’s a continuous journey of growth.

It’s not about labeling someone as a good or bad person, but rather understanding and being mindful of how our words and actions can affect others, as well as being mindful of our needs and legitimate rights within relationships.

Focusing on healing yourself now is a wise decision. Taking the time to understand your feelings, rebuild your confidence, and reflect on your needs and values will help you move forward with clarity and strength. If you ever need someone to talk to further, please feel free to reach out to me. Wishing you all the best on your journey of healing and self-discovery.

anita