HaPpY NeW YeAr Beni! It made it special to me that you typed the wish the same as I did (b ig and small letters). It touched my heart.

anita

Hello Dafne:

This thread started on Jan 24, 2019 by Alia. I sent her 4 posts (1st page of this thread). Her last reply was on Jan 31, 2019. I wish she’d post again!

This thread was inactive for more than 4 years before you, Dafne, posted for the first time on April 18, 2023. You addressed your first post to me: “Hello Anita, I am really grateful for your reply as you really confirmed my already strong convictions… I would really appreciate your advice Anita. What would you do in my situation?… Please help me to figure this out.”-

– I wasn’t able to respond to you at the time because I had my account deleted on Feb 2023 and was inactive for about six months before I returned to the forums using a new account. By Sept 2023, when I returned, you were already engaged in a long, personal, and fruitful converation with Tee, so I didn’t want to interrupt, but I did read all of your conversations with her.

Because Tee’s last post to you was on July 16, 2024, and her last post on the forums was on Aug 10, 2024 (4 months and 10 days ago), I am replying to you today, Dafne, for the first time. It will be a long post. My purpose, as always, is to understand myself better (an onging, endless project, and a very satisfying one) through understanding others better, and to hopefully help you, Dafne, if only just a bit, in undertanderstanding yourself better.

* Please read- if you will- at your own pace, and if you feel distressed or overwhelmed at any point while reading, please pause reading, and take a break. Of course, you are welcome to not read this post, or stop reading it at any point. Your well-being is most important.

In your very first post (the one you addressed to me on April 18, 2023), you expressed a strong convictions about building a friendship before any physical contact with a man, placing respect and emotional connection before engaging in physical intimacy. You expressed frustration and disappointment that men you met did not respect your boundaries and often tried to initiate physical contact too soon. This pattern led to repeated failures in forming meaningful connections.

You described a recent (at the time) encounter with a man, a cop. You experienced several red flags: he initially suggested meeting at his apartment instead of a public place, which you refused, he explains that he couldn’t be seen in public with you because he was not yet divorced, and despite promising not to force you into anything, he still tried to touch and kiss you during your meeting, which made you uncomfortable.

You were unsure how to react to the situation, feeling disappointed and confused by his actions and the mixed signals he sent. You questioned your own actions and boundaries, wondering if you were being too strict or overthinking. You were also considering whether it was appropriate to reach out to him to check on his divorce status. Your worries about being too strict or overthinking, indicate a fear of judgment from others and self-doubt about your own decisions. You wanted to know if your boundaries were reasonable and if you should reach out to the man again.

In your April 24, 2023 post (page 2 of this thread), you expressed feeling increasingly discouraged with each failed relationship, leading to a growing mistrust of men. You described a pattern where men did not respect your boundaries or expectations. For example, the man who ghosted you because you didn’t initiate sex, and the policeman who pushed for physical intimacy despite her discomfort, experiences that contributed to your feelings of being undervalued and disrespected.

You shared an update about texting the policeman and not receiving a reply, which added to your feelings of rejection and confusion, and you wondered if not kissing him on the first date was a deal-breaker, reflecting your ongoing self-doubting and struggle to understand and navigate men’s expectations.Therefore, you kept needeing, here in this thread, reassurance and guidance.

Despite the negative experiences, you used humor to cope, referring to yourself as “closer and closer to becoming a cat lady” 🙂. This light-hearted comment suggests that you were trying to maintain a positive outlook despite your challenges.

By continuing to seek connection and maintaining a sense of humor throughot this thread, you showed emotional resilience. This resilience is a positive and a promising aspect of your character.

On May 4, 2023, you wrote: “One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection”, and you asked: “how do I brake that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision (eg. replying a simple text message, talking on the phone or analysing my every move and regretting that I could do it better)?”.

On July 14, 2024, you shared: “about my mother standing up for me and herself, no, it was not easy to ask anything from my father… He never bought me anything nice, even a toy. He only brought some used things for me to play with once his ex-wife’s son was done with it. Once he promised to buy a doll house but he never did. He promised to visit me on time but was always late. When I wanted to speak up and say my opinion, he said that he felt like slapping me as I should never interrupt him or try to be more clever than him. He also called me bad names when I asked for something. So I was afraid to ask or want anything from him”-

– your childhood was marked by neglect and emotional abuse from your father. This included not paying child support, giving you second-hand items (while he could easily afford first-hand items), breaking promises, and using threatening language. Your mother was also fearful of him, and unable to stand up to him, creating an environment of fear.

You were afraid to ask for anything from your father due to his threatening behavior and verbal abuse. This fear extended to your adult life, making it difficult for you to express your needs and opinions.

The fear of rejection and punishment from your father made it difficult for you to develop a strong-enough sense of self-worth and confidence. The constant need to seek approval and avoid conflict in childhood led to a pattern of people-pleasing and self-doubt in adulthood.

The fear of rejection that you experienced as a child has carried over into your adult life. The fear of making decisions and hurting others reflect the fear you had of displeasing your father. Your tendency to seek advice and validation from others likely stems from a lack of confidence instilled in you by your father’s dismissive and abusive behavior.

The pattern of overthinking and regret you mentioned in previous posts is a reflection of the doubt/ lack of trust you developed in your own judgment. Your fear of romantic decisions and the hesitation to take actions, such as replying to a text or initiating conversations, are tied to the fear of rejection and criticism you faced as a child.

And now, to your most recent post of yesterday (Dec 29, 2024): you shared that you met a man online who initially seemed thoughtful and nice, but his vague answers about work and expectations for financial reciprocation (50-50), his unstable job situation and a potentially imaginary project in Asia, his unclear family background and the inconsistencies in his stories about his parents’ graves and family relationships.. all these add to your mistrust in him. You expressed that you feel that you keep attracting men who are unclear, complicated, and not financially ready. This recurring pattern makes you question your actions and decisions.

Your experiences with the new man and the recurring pattern of attracting complicated men have led to feelings of mistrust and insecurity. You question your decisions and feel uncertain about the future.

You shared a story about meeting a man with a dog, feeling that you missed a chance to make a connection because you didn’t ask for his number. This reflects your struggle with taking initiative in romantic situations, and it reflects a fear of missed opportunites. You feel old-fashioned and unsure about how to navigate modern dating dynamics.

“Last night I had a really bad breakdown. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk. I had pain in my whole body. I started to cry and just ran out of my home. I felt like finishing it all. I couldn’t stand this pressure anymore. She run after me to stop me and pretended to faint. I returned and suddenly she was ok. But I wasn’t. She went to sleep but I couldn’t. Something happened that night and I feel a wreck. I don’t feel like me anymore both physically and emotionally”-

– Your mother ran after you and pretended to faint, which appears to be a manipulative tactic to bring you back home and control the situation. After returning, your mother quickly recovered and went to sleep, showing a stark contrast in emotional states. Her ability to move on quickly shows the lack of empathy and understanding for her daughter’s distress. The manipulative and dismissive behavior of your mother exacerbated your distress, leaving you feeling isolated and emotionally wrecked, feeling disconnected and emotionally exhausted.

Thank you, Dafne, for sharing your update. It reads like you’ve been going through a lot, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid and understandable.

First and foremost, your health and well-being are paramount. Please take care of yourself and seek medical advice if your health issues persist. Your body and mind need rest and care to recover from the stress you’ve been under.

Regarding the new man you met, it’s important to trust your instincts. If you have doubts and concerns about his honesty and intentions, it’s okay to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. A healthy relationship should be built on trust, transparency, and mutual respect. If his actions and stories don’t align with what you need and expect, it’s okay to prioritize your peace of mind.

About the man with the dog, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s natural to feel like you missed a chance, but there will be more opportunities. If you see him again, you could casually mention your previous meeting and express interest in seeing him and his dog again. It’s okay to take small steps and see where it leads.

Your family situation reads very challenging. It’s not easy to navigate the ups and downs of your mother’s behavior, especially when it impacts your well-being. Setting boundaries is crucial. If possible, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you develop strategies to cope with family dynamics and emotional stress.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and support you. It’s okay to distance yourself from situations and relationships that drain you emotionally.

I want you to know that it is absolutely possible to develop self-confidence and move away from self-doubt and overthinking. I’ve personally made very significant progress in this regard most recently, and I believe you can too. Trusting your own perceptions and understanding of people and situations is a journey, but it’s one that you can undertake successfully.

You are capable, Dafne, of making decisions that are right for you, and with time, you’ll find that your confidence grows. Please take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

I’m here for you to support you on every step of the way.

anita

Dear Lulu:

First and foremost, it’s clear that you care deeply about your family and about B, which puts you in a very difficult position. Your feelings of love, guilt, and fear are valid, and it’s okay to feel conflicted for now.

It’s important to recognize that your mother’s behavior is causing you distress. This isn’t fair to you, and it’s certainly not appropriate- not only for a therapist to gossip about a client with others- but also for a parent to gossip about one’s son or daughter. Also, when she called you a “pedophile”, and made inappropriate jokes about B being autistic, she was disrespectful and rude to you and to him. It’s unfortunate that your mom’s prejudices are affecting her view of B.

I’m sorry that the situation with your mother is so challenging right now. It’s natural to want love and support from your parent, and it’s painful when that’s not happening.

Stay strong and seek comfort from those who treat you with love and respect. You deserve to be surrounded by supportive and understanding people. Remember, it’s okay to seek professional help: a counselor or therapist can provide valuable support and guidance.

Ultimately, your well-being is the most important. Take things one step at a time and try to be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s okay to ask for help and take care of yourself.

anita

Dear EvFran:

Good to read from you! I’m sorry to read that your Christmas was lonely and exhausting after all the hard work cleaning your uncle’s flat. It’s completely understandable to feel the weight of missing your loved ones, especially during the holidays. I admire your strength in trying to make the best of things, even when it’s challenging. Focusing on yourself in the coming year is a healthy and positive approach.

My Christmas was relaxing, spent indoors all day because of the non-stop rain. I missed the outdoors and I missed socializing but I didn’t ruminate on wishing it didn’t rain, and that I was around people. Acceptance is.. Relaxing.

Here are 4 quotes by Thich Nhat Hanh for today and for your new year:”The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don’t wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy” (Happiness and suffering are intertwined, and waiting for a perfect state free of suffering is neither possible nor necessary for the experience of joy), “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free”,

“The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment”, “Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion”.

Wishing you a peaceful weekend and a Happy New Year! 😊

anita

Dear Arden:

I am now more equipped, thanks to John’s insight, to respond to your original post of Sept 15, 2023:

“I have seen from experience that when you help someone excessively, like helping them in a way that you’re putting more effort than them, this can make them turn against you… I’ve been getting help (actually I haven’t asked for this help)”-

– You acknowledged that receiving help, especially when it is excessive and unasked for, can create discomfort and even resentment. The scarcity principle suggests that help and support are often more appreciated and valued when they are less accessible or when the receiver has to put in effort to obtain them. In your case, your friend’s constant help felt less valuable because it was so readily available.

Also, you felt that your friend’s excessive help was disproportionate to your own efforts, creating a sense of imbalance. This imbalance made you feel uncomfortable and possibly resentful. This connects to the “Norm of Reciprocity” concept I mentioned yesterday, referring to the social expectation that people will respond to each other with similar levels of help and kindness.

Also, in your original post, you expressed a need for personal space and time to process your thoughts and feelings. The constant presence of your friend, despite being helpful, disturbed your sense of independence and autonomy. Personal space and time are valuable because they are often scarce commodities in busy lives. When someone else’s help invades this scarce personal space, it leads to feelings of discomfort and a desire to re-establish boundaries.

* As I was re-reading the first page of this thread, I felt very appreciative of your words (it was at a time when I returned to tiny buddha after six months of absence). You wrote, Sept 17, 2023: “Hey Anita, are you ‘Anita” Anita?… I never thought you would be back!… I am so surprised! I now felt like a little kid who’s caught eaten lots of chocolates since you’re back!… I still cannot comprehend how you can provide such insights to lots of people, the things you do, and how you do it, it’s like you’re studying the posts and then providing your perspective, which are so brilliant and helpful each time… it’s such a delight seeing/having a conversation with you again. All in all, I feel grateful to have met and contacted you here”- Wow! You were talking about me! Your words are still exciting for me to read 15 months later. Thank you, Arden for your heartwarming words and the big smile you brought to my face- again- this 2024 After-Christmas morning!

anita

Dear John: I appreciate it that you answered me. I would like to answer tomorrow morning.

anita

* And Merry Christmas, John (I wished you Merry Christmas earlier, on Peter’s thread).

Dear John and Arden:

Thank you, John, for sharing your thoughtful observation. It’s indeed an interesting and somewhat puzzling phenomenon that you’ve highlighted, one that didn’t occur to me during my conversations with Arden.

It’s true that helpful people often go underappreciated, which can feel quite disheartening. I looked into this “strange… very odd” phenomenon (your words) because I want to understand what’s behind it.

The term Norm of Reciprocity refers to the social expectation that people will respond to each other with similar levels of help and kindness. However, when one person consistently helps others without receiving equivalent help in return, this norm breaks down, and it is often troubling to the one who is being helpful (people like Arden).

The term Habituation is a psychological phenomenon where repeated exposure to a stimulus leads to a decrease in response. In this context, the stimulus is the help offered by a helpful person. At first, the one helped notices and appreciates the help, but over time of repeated exposure to being helped, the one helped stops noticing it- just as people who hear a new sound notice it, but when a sound is repeated (background noise), people become used to it and stop noticing it.

There is a not widely known term- Helper’s Paradox- which describes the paradoxical situation where the more someone helps, the less they are appreciated, leading to feelings of underappreciation and resentment for the helper. Another term- Giver fatigue- it happens when a person who frequently helps others begins to feel emotionally drained and unappreciated, leading to burnout and a decreased willingness to help in the future.

Does this clarify things for you, John? Arden?

anita