Dear anonymous:

Good to read that since your last post you continued meditation, journaling and sharing with your brother, that you are reading about Buddhism, walking in the mornings, and that sharing here has helped you!

“It helped me for few days and after a long time I was really relaxed… The negative thoughts started to consume me after I woke up and I had to fight it really hard… The negative thoughts are so intense and they seem difficult to handle. I became sad seeing my efforts going in vain“- the negative thoughts are connected to intense painful emotions in your brain. Imagine thinking the same thoughts but without the emotions attached to them. Imagine thoughts no longer being dangerous or scary; thoughts no longer being a source of pain.

Can you imagine that?

“I shared my yesterday’s feeling with my brother and he patiently listed to me. I am thankful to him but I feel if I am unnecessarily dragging him into my problems“- did you ask him if he feels being dragged into your problems?

Do you think that limiting the amount of time per share, or the number of shares per day or per week, is a good idea?

anita

Dear Franco:

You posted: “I feel not at my best I need to improve in those areas any advice is welcomed“.  I asked you “Would you like to describe the areas you would like to improve specifically, clearly, so that I am clear about what specifically you need advice for?”, and you answered: “Self-esteem and self-confidence“-

– my advice: the more you connect with people on a personal level, the better your self-esteem and confidence will be. Here, on your thread (and elsewhere): share more, be more specific, clarify, give details, expand on one-liners. Get personal: when you respond to a particular member, address your reply to the particular member, try to connect with those positively responding to you.

anita

Dear Clara:

“I think I gave this power out as I thought this was the way to preserve the stability/ our relationship. But I think giving up power (she or I equally so ) may not be the way to go“- if she is open to resume-and-improve the relationship, the topic of power may be the place to start: how to be fairly and equally powerful in your own and in  each other’s lives.

Today is exactly a month since you started this thread (June 25) and by the time I submit this post, it will be the same time (hour and minute) as you submitted your first, original post!

On your 2nd post (June 25) on this thread, you expressed distrust in her: “Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just wants to use this time to break up…. she is not as openly gay as I am. I am out to most of my friends, she is not, her concern is on work? and possibly still unsure of me as a long term partner? unsure“.

The first time you mentioned her was on Oct 7, 2018, in your thread I met a girl who has a partner (at the time you were not yet in a relationship), and there was already distrust then and there (” She, accordingly to her… This has also reminded me to a certain extend, what I was feeling when I was cheated“).

How can you equally share power with a person you don’t trust?

Back to today, July 25, 2024: “At this point, I lean towards wanting to stay together… when I think if she says she wants to be together, I am equally unsure how to react“- you may want to say: let’s talk about trust!

From psychology today/trust: “Trust—or the belief that someone or something can be relied on to do what they say they will—is a key element of social relationships and a foundation for cooperation. It is critical for romantic relationships, friendships, interactions between strangers, and social groups on a large scale, and a lack of trust in such scenarios can come with serious consequences. Indeed, society as a whole would likely fail to function in the absence of trust.”.

anita

Dear Carol:

“she would start to make more efforts in the future in order to solve this because she cared about our friendship…. we agreed that it was a good thing we talked this out and we planned our next hangout next week. So in some way, I feel relieved ? I think that she’s genuinely sorry and the future will tell how it turns out.”- your and her future efforts (or lack of)  will indeed tell how it turns out. I hope that it turns out well.!

anita

Dear omyk:

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes in this post): “Every once in a while, I have this itch to date again… What system of accountability mechanism can I create to hold off the occasional weird urge to sign up on a dating app? Is it just a matter of self-discipline? if so, I’ll muster up more willpower… sex signifies something much deeper to me… I want to reserve it for deep love shared in a committed relationship… I have been doing ministry for more than twenty-five years and was considering taking the next step up when she died. Remarrying or cohabitating means giving up the ministry”–

– I thought you may be interested in the little research I did this morning on the topic of celibacy in the religious context:

From bbc. com/is it even possible to live a celibate life?: “After another sex scandal involving a senior member of the Catholic Church, questions are again being asked about celibacy. Is it realistic for someone to permanently go without sex?… To the purists, celibacy – derived from the Latin for unmarried – means a permanent state of being without sex… ‘True’ celibacy means a life without both sex and a spouse or partner. Of course, there are many who give it a looser definition…
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”Catholic priests are all men and while there are celibate women – typically nuns – much of the debate tends to focus on male celibacy. Taken in its strictest definition, there is a question mark over whether celibacy is possible. Men are driven by testosterone to want sex, says John Wass, Professor of Endocrinology at Oxford University. Women are driven to a lesser degree by a mixture of testosterone and oestrogen, he explains. ‘I’d regard celibacy as a totally abnormal state.’…</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10”>”Jimmy O’Brien, who left the priesthood to start a family remembers how difficult it could be for young men. ‘You have to fight the urges. For a lot of people it can be a daily battle, others are not so affected.'</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”The power of the mind through exercises like meditation can banish physical cravings, argues Vishvapani, a Buddhist…’There’s no doubt in my mind that some people are able to practice it quite happily. It may sometimes be a bit of a struggle. But the idea that biologically you can’t – that’s false.'</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”Father Stephen Wang, dean of studies at Allen Hall Seminary, says it is a sacrifice that many priests manage. ‘It’s possible when people have an inner maturity and the faith and support structures are in place.’ For him it is no different to the challenge of a husband trying to be faithful to his wife. There is no celibacy get-out in the form of masturbation, says Wang. ‘For every Christian, masturbation, sex before marriage and sex outside marriage are wrong and something you shouldn’t be doing…</p>
“Wang argues that people misunderstand celibacy. It ensures a unique relationship with God and one’s parishioners, he says. ‘It’s not about repression. It’s about learning to love in a certain way.‘ It’s not just priests who are called by the church to be celibate, it’s everyone outside wedlock, he argues. He rejects the link, commonly made in the media, between celibacy and scandal. ‘It’s not true to say that celibacy leads to sexual dysfunction or abuse. Unfortunately sexual scandals are occurring across society in various organisations, and feature married men not just celibate people.”
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>-end of my little research. Is there anything about the above that may be helpful to you, omyk?</p>
anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome.

“I am aware this is a two person job… My constant fear has taken a toll on me, I mean I have been working very hard on my self development, which is along the path that we have discussed. But yes, I am too afraid and thus obsessed with what will happen, rather than what’s happening“- fear causes a person to run away (Flight), Fight, or Freeze (as in being stuck obsessing, fretting). Neither is congruent with self- development or with relationship-development, as in working together as a team for the benefit of both.

“I will try to be stronger when I meet her.“- this sentence brings to my mind one of Yoda’s famous saying from one of the Star Wars movies: “Do. Or do not. There is no try“.

I know how powerful fear can be. I feel fear every day living in a world as troubled and in places, as horribly violent as it is. But we must not give in to fear, to not surrender to it, to not submit to what we’re afraid of.

Fear cannot be overcome with obsessing and freezing (inaction, passivity), but by strength from the inside of a person, strength and courage.

She shouldn’t be this powerful in your mind and heart: The One whose Yes means life, and No means a death of sorts. She shouldn’t have this power. I don’t think (from what you shared) that she wants to have this power over you.

Maybe you can visualize her not as an entity looming large above, but as a person on your level, one like many millions of people.

anita

Dear Carol:

She shared with you, paraphrased, that she’s been suffering from depression, that her energy is limited, and therefore she has had to choose what’s important to her (her relationship, and soon: her studies), and withdraw from what is less important to her (you).

“I am wondering if I should talk to her about how I feel like we drifted apart or if I should let this go“- how you feel, Carol, is not high on her priority list.

It is her right to determine her priority list, and she is doing the best she can for herself.

“I don’t know if I should empathize with her.. or myself?“- empathize with yourself and express some empathy for her.  But let the ones she prioritizes do most of the empathizing with her.

“I feel like talking to her is a way of respecting myself and our friendship“- your friendship with her has been a high priority in your mind and heart; a low priority in her mind and heart.

“I am wondering if I am not being selfish/self-centered, bringing up my issues knowing very well she struggles with her mental health!“- she struggles with depression and she chooses what she believes will help her: her relationship with her boyfriend, and soon: her studies.

She is not choosing you as a source of help.

You are not selfish when you choose to accept and respect her priorities/ her faith in what can or cannot help her.

anita