Dear Clara:

“When I asked later that night to ask her move her stuff asap, she broke into tears…she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesn’t have feelings for me”-

– it is hard for her to let go of what: not of feelings she doesn’t have for you, and not of financial benefits.. maybe she is attached to your house itself, to the furniture, the neighborhood..?

“the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me“- yes, it is inconsiderate. Maybe this is evidence that she is attached to your house.

“it is confusing for me… this is so tough really“- confusion is part of what so tough for you. Maybe if you find out what it is that she has trouble letting go of, you will be less confused..?

anita

Dear t:

“This is my first relationship… With him, I feel generally stable and normal… When we aren’t spending time together I am extremely emotional in ways I have never experienced before. It does interfere with the rest of my life: I have cried at work, cried in public, things like that… I’m not sure that either of us understand what actually is making me feel this way“-

– it is possible that your emotional attachment to your first boyfriend triggered a painful experience you had in the past, in context of a relationship with a parent, a parent (or a parent figure) who either abandoned you, or mistreated you otherwise?

When a child’s emotional attachment to the parent is somehow ignored or betrayed, it’s a painful experience that tends to awaken in the context of another type of emotional attachment in adulthood: the attachment to one’s boyfriend or girlfriend.

Do you think that this is a possible explanation to how you feel?

“We have had some conversations about this with him promising to try to improve“- he promised to improve in how often he texts you, how long he stays with you on the phone, how often he meets with you, things like that?

“How can I better manage this?“- I think that it will take understanding the reasons behind your emotional experience with him and then, exercise emotion regulation.

anita

Dear Zenith:

When you miss India too much, remember the mix factor. It will give you the mental space to appreciate the positives where you are now!

anita

Welcome back to the USA, Zenith! I am fine, thank you. How was your stay in India and what/ who do you miss the most?

anita

Dear anonymous:

Good to read that since your last post you continued meditation, journaling and sharing with your brother, that you are reading about Buddhism, walking in the mornings, and that sharing here has helped you!

“It helped me for few days and after a long time I was really relaxed… The negative thoughts started to consume me after I woke up and I had to fight it really hard… The negative thoughts are so intense and they seem difficult to handle. I became sad seeing my efforts going in vain“- the negative thoughts are connected to intense painful emotions in your brain. Imagine thinking the same thoughts but without the emotions attached to them. Imagine thoughts no longer being dangerous or scary; thoughts no longer being a source of pain.

Can you imagine that?

“I shared my yesterday’s feeling with my brother and he patiently listed to me. I am thankful to him but I feel if I am unnecessarily dragging him into my problems“- did you ask him if he feels being dragged into your problems?

Do you think that limiting the amount of time per share, or the number of shares per day or per week, is a good idea?

anita

Dear Franco:

You posted: “I feel not at my best I need to improve in those areas any advice is welcomed“.  I asked you “Would you like to describe the areas you would like to improve specifically, clearly, so that I am clear about what specifically you need advice for?”, and you answered: “Self-esteem and self-confidence“-

– my advice: the more you connect with people on a personal level, the better your self-esteem and confidence will be. Here, on your thread (and elsewhere): share more, be more specific, clarify, give details, expand on one-liners. Get personal: when you respond to a particular member, address your reply to the particular member, try to connect with those positively responding to you.

anita

Dear Clara:

“I think I gave this power out as I thought this was the way to preserve the stability/ our relationship. But I think giving up power (she or I equally so ) may not be the way to go“- if she is open to resume-and-improve the relationship, the topic of power may be the place to start: how to be fairly and equally powerful in your own and in  each other’s lives.

Today is exactly a month since you started this thread (June 25) and by the time I submit this post, it will be the same time (hour and minute) as you submitted your first, original post!

On your 2nd post (June 25) on this thread, you expressed distrust in her: “Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just wants to use this time to break up…. she is not as openly gay as I am. I am out to most of my friends, she is not, her concern is on work? and possibly still unsure of me as a long term partner? unsure“.

The first time you mentioned her was on Oct 7, 2018, in your thread I met a girl who has a partner (at the time you were not yet in a relationship), and there was already distrust then and there (” She, accordingly to her… This has also reminded me to a certain extend, what I was feeling when I was cheated“).

How can you equally share power with a person you don’t trust?

Back to today, July 25, 2024: “At this point, I lean towards wanting to stay together… when I think if she says she wants to be together, I am equally unsure how to react“- you may want to say: let’s talk about trust!

From psychology today/trust: “Trust—or the belief that someone or something can be relied on to do what they say they will—is a key element of social relationships and a foundation for cooperation. It is critical for romantic relationships, friendships, interactions between strangers, and social groups on a large scale, and a lack of trust in such scenarios can come with serious consequences. Indeed, society as a whole would likely fail to function in the absence of trust.”.

anita