Dear Ben:

“I did not grow anxious about him, if anything I felt more secure as time went on…  I saw such a long happy future ahead, not the one of ‘oh, if just did this or that differently, or he did this or that differently, if we just resolve these issues first’ – the never-ending cycle that my old relationship had and his current one appears to have. It felt deep enough that I felt myself growing because of him… for me, regardless of love, it was the healthiest romantic relationship I’ve ever had“-

– I understand: it was indeed a healthy romantic relationship for some time, and the healthiest romantic relationship you ever had: not feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle, but feeling yourself growing because of him!

“Having said that… I suppose the two threads here are proof of a childhood trauma – a lack of self-soothing!“- yes, lack of soothing of child by parents=> lack of soothing of adult by self.

“I suppose I just would like that he doesn’t forget me. I’m obviously going to suffer from some wishful thinking… but it would just be such a shame to let it all go“- I have this image as I read these two sentences: he held a figurative mirror to you, reflecting how he saw you, and you very much liked the image of you that you saw in the mirror he held to you.

I wrote to you: “you want this too much.”, and you responded: “I read it and agreed,  my feelings run riot. For now at least, especially once you said about OCD, I can see the normal feelings of this situation have been amplified by my OCD… The conflict churns and churns. Do I swallow it all, accept what is in front of me, and we stay friends? Or do I fight for love?..“-

– (1) first priority then are the words you brought up, the words I mentioned earlier in this reply: self-soothing. Find healthy ways of self-soothing, ways that fit you:  yoga or tai chi, aerobic exercise, swimming in cool water (relaxing to me!), sauna, music, guided meditations and/ or other Mindfulness practices, etc., etc. Make your chosen self-soothing practice part of your every day life. (2) I have a thing with words, taking words too literally.. still, you mentioned fighting for his love as a possibility, I say, do the opposite of fighting for his love: accept his love. Notice the expressions of his affection for you, his good intentions for you, his care for you and reflect these to him (in that figurative mirror you hold to him). Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate his affection and care. That will make him feel better about himself.. and therefore, he is likely to feel better about you/ more loving toward you (the person who made him feel better about himself).

anita

Dear soma:

Good to read from you! You started your thread on April 2, 2021, two years and five+ months ago. You were then in high school, two years or so to graduation, studying in one of the best high schools in Turkey. You were very anxious at the time, “anxious all around the clock“,  stressed about the high expectations people had of you “to have a great career”.

Fast forward to your post before last, that of Aug 18, 2023- a month and 2 days ago- you shared that your summer was pretty good, that you did very well in the exam you took, the one that would determine your career, ranking 28,000 among the 3,000,000 young people who took it. You were hoping therefore to attend an amazing university.

*                                    C o N g R a T u L a T i O n  S        S  o  M  a   !   !    !

You also shared that after a one year separation from your boyfriend, a year of “many sleepless nights.. many tears“, you got back with him three months earlier (May 2023), loving him “sooo much to a point where it’s kinda scary.. I am scared of ever losing him again“. Even though the resumed relationship has been “better than it ever was“, you’ve been feeling “retroactive jealousy very badly“, jealousy about his past, mainly about the few flings he had during year of the separation from you, but “even before that“.

How are you feeling most recently/ today?

anita

Dear Ben:

“If he had told me he had left his boyfriend and wanted to be with me… it would have satisfied me forever, ahah.“- edit, if I may: if he had told you and followed through with all the action it takes to make it happen.

“As you said before, maybe he is trapped in this relationship because of his poor relationship with his own father. A love affair, no matter how genuine, can’t really do the job of resolving that for him“- the need of a child for his father’s (or mother’s) love is so intense, so raw, that a romantic love story in adulthood cannot satisfy that early-life, raw longing, not for long.

Coming to think about it, you (as so many of us) have this longing too, and likely, if he did move to England and was with you, your own early-life, raw longing for a father’s love will not be satisfied for long either.

“I think I know that it is ‘over’, for now. I say ‘for now’ as, if he was honest as I think and you have thought from what I have said, there is always a possibility that something may happen in the future. He said even on Saturday ‘I love you’ in a way that wasn’t forced“- as I said before, I think that his emotional expressions (the drawing of a heart with his hand stands out for me) are honest. It’s just that there is often a HUGE distance to bridge between the feeling in one’s heart and.. all that it takes to make practical and real-life changes.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion (that would be him moving to England), an object at rest tends to stay at rest (that would be staying in Brazil), the undisputable laws of physics.

“Perhaps, maybe, we are destined for each other, as I thought in the moment I met him. (I am a believer in true love!)“- I am a believer in true love, but not a believer in destiny.

“But, for now, I suppose any idea or glimpse of me and him being together should simply be a remote hope, not the all-consuming hope I have been feeling the last couple of days. To be honest that is where I thought I would be happy. Keep these feelings remote, a possibility, nothing imminent“- there is a scene from a movie, I don’t remember the name of the movie or who played in it, but one character said to another: you want this too much. It stood out for me, that wanting something too intensely makes it less likely to happen.

“OCD… I believe we talked about it in my last thread! But since then I’ve been to a therapist who, when I’ve been talking about many aspects of my life, said many times ‘this sounds like OCD’. Indeed, I had a realisation when you said it, that… well… I can’t really do anything now. It’s ‘in god’s hands’ as he would say, or for the universe to decide, as I would say“- the universe is in your heart (as well as outside your heart). You can make things happen, sometimes. Less likely, if you want something too much.

“I’m sure I’ll be back here soon, morose and upset“- you are a good, kind person, and for that, you are welcome here morose, upset or otherwise!

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome, you deserve my kind words!

“I am also so sorry to hear about your struggles with Tourette Syndrome and I can see how that must be very frustrating to deal with. I am also just a stranger on the internet, but I see you are very resilient“- thank you!

First, to the less important topic (to me.. lol), the guy: “I think you could be right that my ex is just chronically parroting what he’s heard his whole life living with therapist parents…  for me, words of affirmation are my love language. His words were exactly the words I’ve always dreamed of finally hearing from a partner“- this is why you got so attached to him!

“For him to claim I was so important to him just three weeks ago already to being left on read for a week makes me question if anything he ever said to me was even true“- this is making me think of pets vs humans: when a dog wags its tail for you, you know that the affection is genuine, simple, straightforward, and its affection is predictable; no dishonesty, no hidden or ulterior motives. But humans are complex and .. it’s difficult to impossible to know how much/ when/ where/ for how long a person’s behavior is genuine.

And now, to what is more important, your health: “I have heard of the cortisol and inflammation connection, but I never connected it to a possible cause for my EOE. I forgot to mention that during that time of ages 12-13 where my mom tried to get me help, the only thing found was that I had Hashimoto’s disease and hypothyroidism“-

– Hashimoto’s disease: when the immune system attacks the thyroid glands, causing it to get inflamed and at first produce too many hormones (hyperthyroidism) and later, too little (hypothyroidism).

“I’m wondering if there is any correlation to these autoimmune diseases and my extremely high levels of cortisol and inflammation as well“- according to what I read (and I am not a doctor or any kind of a health professional), the answer is Yes: “Cortisol is an essential hormone that affects almost every organ and tissue in your body” (cleveland clinic. org).

Also, “Cortisol is a hormone that functions to reduce inflammation in the body. In short spurts, cortisol can boost your immunity by limiting inflammation. However, if you have consistently high levels of cortisol, your body can get used to having too much cortisol in your blood, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system“.

“I used to be on an EOE Facebook support page to try to understand it more, but I had to leave it immediately after others were sharing their stories of choking on various foods. My anxiety will convince me that if someone else chokes on a certain food, I will too.“- the elevated anxiety/ OCD factor distinguishes you  from other members in that support page, in that they are able to remain on the page.

“My choking phobia just keeps me stuck. I can have a ‘good’ EOE day but if I’m worrying excessively about choking that day, I’ll not be able to eat regardless from the fear of swallowing. But it’s mostly the physical sensation of choking (either from EOE, stress, GERD, allergies or asthma) so this is all very complicated for me and it’s hard to explain it to doctors. I can see how everything is physical, like your therapist said“-

– Overall, everything is connected and everything is physical, but there is still validity to separating things for the purpose of diagnoses and treatments. There are people who suffer from choking/ swallowing phobia who do not suffer from any detectable physical abnormality: “Patients with Pseudo dysphagia  complain about the inability to swallow but they do not have any physical symptoms to account for their condition”, fear of. net).

“Chronic stress is harming me for sure. This breakup has already caused me to lose 5 pounds, so I’m extremely frustrated with myself about that. Anxiety and panic to this level depletes my appetite and triggers my choking phobia so badly“- (1) Reducing your daily level of stress is crucial and you can do it. (2) Time being spent extremely frustrated with yourself is ADDING to your stress level.

“I can’t really figure out food triggers because one day I can eat a certain food well, then two days later it’s like I’m choking on it. My eating experiences just vary by the day… Nothing takes away that feeling in the moment of being absolutely certain I’m choking, or that I am in danger over a physical sensation not even related to eating. For example, if something falls on my head or I just bump my head on something, I am convinced I have a concussion for at least 2-3 days. OBSESSIVE fear until I can tell myself that enough time has passed for concussion symptoms to pop up“-

– I can’t tell you how much I relate to your description above. Although I do not have choking phobia thoughts, I  believe that I did suffer from it as a baby/ toddler perhaps, when my mother forced-fed me: my main motor tic these days, still is.. a choking tic: opening my mouth and gasping for air.

Here is what I suggest for the purpose of lowering your stress level on a regular basis: (1) Make Routine your best friend: a predictable, reliable daily routine. Plan one and tweak it over time so to come up with one that is tailored to fit your needs and your personal preferences best. Make aerobic exercise part of it, a long-enough brisk walk will do (it forces me to breathe normally, naturally, instead of intermittingly grasping for air). Make listening to audio (or video) guided meditations geared toward promoting mindfulness- part of your daily routine. Start with a short, easy audio, see how you feel about it. (2) Carry with you (and/ or go to bed with) an object of your choice (it can be a doll, a stuffed animal, a vibrating small object, etc.), something that you can TOUCH or feel against your body when you feel anxious/  start to panic. It helps to transfer attention from the abstract fear/ abstract thoughts that accompany the fear t0 => => a tangible object that you can touch and feel against your body. This can work wonders!

But even when something works at one time, it doesn’t mean that it will work the next time, or as effectively. But try it again anyway, because .. nothing works/ helps as effectively every single time. Be consistent, patient, and very importantly, practice empathy for and patience with yourself.

anita

Dear Ben:

“I am lost and confused today. My anxiety worsened yesterday and maybe got the better of me“- confusion promotes anxiety, anxiety promotes confusion; clarity promotes calm.

“I just don’t understand anything. How could he have chosen the other guy?“- ask him clear questions, gently inquire, like I suggested in my last post to you, three days ago. There is a saying that’s very popular, it originated in the bible (Matthew 7:7): “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you”, generally interpreted as an encouragement to ask for what you want or need: ask for/ seek the information that you need and you will find it.

“So… apparently he still gets jealous?“- yes, but a person’s jealousy does not in itself indicate love or depth of love, or commitment. It’s usually an emotional experience of childhood re-appearing in adulthood.

“At the end of the call, half out of habit, I said ‘I love you’. He blushed, scrunched up his eyes and then whispered into the phone ‘I love you’“- from his reaction here and from his reaction in the past (which you shared about) seems like he is uncomfortable with the words I-love-you. (This is something you may want to ask him) .

“Then yesterday my anxiety grew, seemingly from nowhere…  I said I was feeling down to him, he said focus on the good things in life. “I don’t have any”. His reply “you have your visit here, your nephews”. I asked if he meant ‘the one that’s happened?‘ – my hope overwhelmed me there and I had thought maybe he was referring to a future visit. I asked twice and he replied ‘is there a problem?’… um.. no?‘“- putting myself in his shoes, I too would not know what to say to make you feel better and would feel uncomfortable. It’s  a difficult place to be, the place he was in, in that part of the conversation, not knowing what to say.

“I said I would have to forget everything. That I still have hope for us but it’s all an illusion, my love for him misleading me. He replied ‘I know how you are feeling’“- maybe he was trying his best to make you feel better, but there was no way to make you feel better.

“I said on Saturday talking about things gave me hope… but… ‘Oh what’s the point in talking  more’… I said ‘really? You don’t want to talk to me anymore? You were so open and now so closed again, it doesn’t make sense’, ‘I was studying, of course I want to talk to you, haha, I’m going to do yoga‘”- I agree with him that there was no point talking more during that conversation. You were too upset, too sulky during that conversation to make good sense.

“A creeping thought is that he indeed loves his boyfriend more than me. Or he thinks he does. But then, isn’t that me refusing to believe someone could love me genuinely? Being perhaps a bit sulky (a tendency I have)“- (1) better not have a conversation with him when you feel sulky. (2) I think that yes, part of you refuses to believe someone could love you genuinely.

How are you feeling now?

anita

Dear Ben: I am sorry to read that you are feeling lost and confused today. It is night time here and I will answer you further in about 7 or 8 hours from now, first thing in the morning. Please distract yourself with some positive activity, maybe a walk or some other aerobic exercise,, Take good care of yourself today.

anita

Der Arden:

When I read “It helped you when nothing (and no one) else did.” it make me burst into tears since I kind of guessed, now Anita will compare yoga into something and that will make brilliant sense.

“I just wanted my yoga to stay calm, without any interference. And she asked me a few questions while doing it, like, can you do that pose, can you do that one, or this one…. when you think about it, I have no reason to be ambitious on those practices. Whatever I feel like doing should be okay. I felt like she was able to do some poses and then compared herself to me“- reads like she was competitive with you, and this is not what yoga is supposed to be: it’s supposed to be calming, to promote contentment, not competition.

Connecting this to the reply I just sent you on your newer thread, she brought drama into your yoga, and yoga is supposed to be drama-free!

“I am not sure but I might’ve been even passive aggressive about some stuff, which I actually hate and cannot stand in other people. I will observe myself“- I never noticed passive-aggressive behavior on your part, not toward me and not toward the people in your life about whom you shared.

“I can sometimes just hide, in terms of what I feel. Then I (learn) new ways to express those hidden feelings. Maybe in the past, I never expressed them. But now, I really want to express“- you’ve been doing an excellent job expressing yourself, just like I wrote to you in my reply in your other thread less than half an hour ago (before reading your post on this thread): “what a genuine, spontaneous expression on your part, I appreciate it greatly!”

anita

Dear Shookie, My Friend:

“The tree is mine & he says it’s his.  When he gets back it will belong to the wildlife“- are you afraid a bit of the neighbor’s reaction when he finds out that you cut the tree he claims to be his (partly on his property?) Or are you more afraid of another lightening?

“I have many nests for the animals which have been since before my mother passed.  I have seen several red foxes & their kits.  Two mama skunks with her babies…  I have a deer feeder, which of course, the mean neighbor does not like.  It’s my property. … I prefer animals over most people… I Love Stash, Izzy and Takeda so much.  Since I stopped letting them go outside they have turned into Luv bugs“-

My little study this Mon morning- From better help. com/ people who love animals more than people (I am adding the boldface and italic features):  “In this article, we’ll take an in-depth look why it sometimes feels like we care more our pets more than our next-door neighbors…Spending time with a pet has been found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, and release chemicals that trigger relaxation even when there’s a lot on your plate. As mentioned, pets also increase social support, which has been found to improve cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune function. Overall, pet owners are just healthier (both physically and mentally) than those who don’t own pets”!
<p dir=”ltr”>From being human. org/ what do you call a person who loves animals more than humans: “1. Animals give us unconditional love. They don’t care about our flaws or mistakes; they love us just as we are.  Whether a dog wagging its tail or a cat purring on our lap, their affection for us is pure and genuine. This kind of love and devotion is hard in human relationships. 2. They are very appreciative… for even the smallest acts of kindness.  Be it a treat, a gentle touch, or spending time together, they often display gratitude and respond with affection and happiness… 3. Animals don’t judge you. They don’t care about our social status, wealth, or appearance… 4. Innocence and Simplicity…They have a purity and naivety that is refreshing in today’s complex and often cynical world… 5. Unlike humans, animals aren’t always asking for something. They don’t have hidden agendas or ulterior motives. They are content with simple pleasures like food, shelter, and love. And this can be attractive to individuals who find relief in relationships without constant requests or obligations.  6. They protect us…The protective nature of animals can create a deep sense of trust and reliance, leading to a preference for their company over humans. 7. Animals are gentle... From a kitten’s soft purr to a rabbit’s warm snuggles, animals have a calming presence that can make even the most stressful day disappear.  Animals often exhibit kindness, tenderness, and a lack of malice, which appeals to individuals seeking peace and harmony. 8. They are loyal. Loyalty is something many people cherish and look for in relationships. Animals, particularly pets, are known for their unwavering loyalty… 9. Animals can calm us down. The presence of animals has a calming effect on human beings. Interacting with animals, petting them, or simply being in their company can reduce stress and promote relaxation. 10. Lack of Expectations. Human relationships often come with a set of expectations and complexities. In contrast, relationships with animals are often more straightforward”.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I’d like to be more of these things (words taken from the above article): to love people just as they are, with no preference for some over others because of social status, wealth and appearance; to express pure and genuine, innocent and simple affection, to be straightforward (to have no hidden agendas or unexpressed motives, no demands…  no unnecessary complexities when interacting with people); to be appreciative for the smallest acts of kindness; to find contentment in the simple pleasures of life; to protect others and be loyal, to promote the trust of others; to be gentle, kind, and tender; to promote peace and harmony (no malice); to have a calming effect on people.</p>
Back to your recent post: “I am learning to appreciate the life I had growing up instead of thinking about just getting older.  I realized I had the best parents I could have asked for & an exciting life and fun jobs…  Memories stay with you forever & it makes me so happy.  I hope you are happy and doing well“- it makes me happy to read that you are happy. Your happiness promotes my own!

anita