Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

Before you can find answers for your personal “study in loneliness and rejection” (title of your thread), you have to find an effective way to calm down.

You cannot conduct a study on anything when you are as angry, stressed out and unable to focus as you are (“I’m still feeling very angry all the time… I’m angry all the time. And when I’m angry, other things go wrong.. Basically, I’m totally unable to focus… I’m too stressed out“).

“I go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much“- these are two ways to calm down that haven’t been effective for you.

Can you address what I brought up here, in this post, with your therapist/ doctor?

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You wrote yesterday (I am adding the boldface feature selectively for emphasis): “It’s been a while and I’ve been seeing a therapist… The therapist is talking about the emotional child state and the rational adult state… I think she feels I’m trapped still in my early adolescent child state…  often find myself feeling attacked by others, I guess I come across as too soft with others but it’s not in fact how I am“-

-Like your therapist, I also think that you are trapped in an emotional child state, that of the child and adolescent that you were, when being too soft was your way to.. get along with your mother. It was not that you were born to be too soft/ weak; it was an adjustment to living with your mother.

Your father made the same adjustment as a child, and was already adjusted in this way when he married your mother: “my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak… being very apologetic“-

– your mother was at the top, strong/ dominant; your father took the bottom position: too soft, submissive, incredibly weak.

You wrote in regard to your family of origin: “We basically learnt…that bullies always win“- the bully, as I see it, is your mother. Your father adjusted to her before meeting her (he had practice). You adjusted to her after entering the world through her..

“My sister… has achieved a lot by steering her partner where she wants to go. I do not possess this skill“- are you referring to the skill of bullying.. of being at the top?

The key to healthy, successful relationships is it being a Win-Win dynamic, both sides win, no one is at the bottom (the loser) while the other is at the top (the winner).

Back to your yesterday’s post: “Therapist and family both saying just take your time and be kind to yourself. I just find that really hard… I cant let go of the need, the feeling I need, to achieve things.. to compete and do well compared to others“-

– maybe you think that the only way for you to get up from under, to be at the top, to win, is to achieve things professionally and financially, to compete with others in these areas, and be at the top compared to them. But no: there are plenty of people who achieved professionally/ financially (your father is an example, isn’t he?) who remain at the bottom.

You can come up to the top today, a bit, and tomorrow some more- but not in comparison to others (that’s not the real top). It is a matter of attitude and everyday practice. Something you can discuss with your therapist?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

This is going to be a long post, put together with a wide open 3rd eye, wider than it ever been in context of your thread. I hope that you read it patiently and attentively. It may feel intense, so trigger warning.

All the following quotes are from what you posted. I will be adding the boldface feature to the quotes.

Oct 11, 2023:  “I completely feel the same way about there being different soulmates in our lives in different forms. I have found this in a friend, my sisters and my mom. But something interesting I’ve noticed is that these soulmates can sometimes be distracted with other things and lead me to not feeling that connection at times. My best friend is dating someone who I would not put up with…  I don’t feel that soulmate connection with her at the moment, which hurts my heart. Same with my sisters and mom, it comes and goes“-

– there is an old, strong core emotional experience within you: feeling alone and disconnected, as in I am alone, there’s no one with me/ for me, no love for me. This core experience makes you intolerant of normal fluctuations in the level of emotional connection with the people in your life. It is as if you expect the same level of connection at al times, an unrealistic expectation born out of the core experience I mentioned in this paragraph. You emotionally overreact to normal disconnections by feeling acutely alone/ disconnected (lonely).

July 29-30, 2023: “N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments I feel so so lonely… why do I crave to have the same sense of humor and be on the same spiritual journey. Is it just my own issues you think?”-

– You craved N to have the same sense of humor as yours, the same spiritual journey, because otherwise you feel acutely lonely. We talked plenty about how N is too far removed from what you need in a partner, which is still true, but it is also true that your expectation to be 100% connected with another person at al times in all ways is very unrealistic, and no boyfriend/ no person can fit the bill.

This craving for 100% alignment/ connection at all times is born out of that core experience of acute loneliness.

Oct 6, 2023:  “I feel so alone“.

Five months and 34 pages later, March 10, 2024: “I notice sometimes when I’m having a good time I worry the good time will end or that I will make it awkward and ruin it… last night I met some new people… we ended up just dancing all night with and it was so much fun to dance like that… There were moments I was dancing just carefree then suddenly I’d have thoughts of wondering what I looked like and not wanting to ruin the moment by losing my ability to dance… like losing the groove and then ruining the connection with the person. I wonder what this is all about, where those thoughts are coming from”-

– I believe that these thoughts are coming from the core experience I mentioned above, that of acute and prolonged childhood/ adolescent lack of needed connection aka loneliness. Dancing you felt connected to those you danced with, then suddenly, you were afraid to lose the connection.

Connected, you have a good time; disconnected, you have a (very) bad time.

Within your core experience of loneliness there is a belief that you are responsible to connections coming to an end (“I will .. ruin it“, above).

Back to July 29, 2023: “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months... N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes… And in those moments I feel so so lonely…  I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time… I also don’t want to be ungrateful and expect that there’s something better out there for me…why do I crave to have the same sense of humor… ?”-

-those small disconnects were objectively small (ex., not laughing at your jokes as much as some other people do, at times), but subjectively, these disconnects feel huge because they trigger/ activate your core experience I mentioned above, that of acute and prolonged childhood/ adolescent lack of needed connection aka loneliness.

No, N is not the most genuine, loving, caring man (we’ve discussed it and you agreed: he’s chronically numb, partly or to a large extent because of his chronic consumption of weed.. which makes him numbly-patient), and no man can be what you need him to be, so this entire debate is likely to reoccur in future relationships.

Let’s look closer at the core experience:

Oct 10, 2023: “My dad is a success oriented man and if I wasn’t doing things to his standards I received a very cold version of him…My partner consoles me when I have panic attacks and I have always been alone in those“- (1) A very cold version of your father (F)= a harsh disconnect. (2) You have experienced panic attacks following past disconnects, and you were alone in those.

Oct 11, 2023: “while I lived with (F) I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts and running away attempts, never known to him because of this criticism that… I didn’t think about him and cook him dinner… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home I was expected to come had conversation with him (all things I felt were a wife’s place not mine as a 17 year old girl”.

Nov 8, 2023: “His misplaced trust or expectations of me were those that he expected and never received from my mother… My mom broke his trust in many ways, and it was as if he treated my teenage years of sneaking out to parties I wasn’t allowed to go to, as if I had cheated on him in marriage… he didn’t want me around boys without parents at age 16… He also treated me like I was a (very bluntly put) like I was a slut like my mom… Before leaving to school from ages 13-18, my outfits would get checked… My dad would edit any outfit…  he told me I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans without a shirt that covered my butt… that is when I started changing at school…  At age 13 taking away the innocence of my clothing.. sexualizing me and telling me how boys would think…

“I was 11 years old, my friends were playing outside… Before I made it outside to play, my dad stopped me and said the shorts were inappropriate and I needed to change to longer ones that reached my knees! I was so embarrassed… I was so embarrassed I decided not to go out and play anymore. This is my first memory of having suicidal thoughts... I went to the kitchen, got a knife from the drawer and went back to my room and held it to my bare chest, I remember wanting to end it right there”-

– early on, your empathy was with F for having been repeatedly cheated on by your mother. You definitely didn’t want to be like your mother in the way she had hurt your father. But what happened was that about the time you started to physically develop into a woman (still a girl), he projected your cheating mother into you and treated you accordingly. By projecting a cheating woman into his 13 year-old daughter, he created a huge disconnect within you, a disconnect from your own self. For how can you be you when he placed the image of another person (your mother) into the mental space that you need to occupy.. so to be you?

Your painful high school experience of being shunned and isolated added to your core experience of acute and prolonged childhood/ adolescent lack of needed connection aka loneliness.

There’s a lot more healing that can take place in regard to this core experience, and it’s an exciting prospect, in my mind. How do you feel about it?

anita

Dear Aryan:

“I do not feel the same, in fact the opposite, I feel scared to be alone now. However, since the breakup everything seems extra lonely“- I think I get it: for a short while you were on an Emotional High, that of feeling excited about going to college, having new friends and the cherry on top: having a girlfriend!

Now, you are feeling worse than before going to college because of the long Fall from the recent High, “hitting rock-bottom“, like you said.

“I never have had stability in life“- this is a source of anxiety, never having had stability in your life. I wonder if by this, you mean that you moved a lot, if your parents are divorced or they fought a lot. You don’t have to share about this, of course, but you can if you want to.

You wrote that you are looking for new friends, people who are: “ambitious and goal oriented or at least in places that will be beneficial and social for me“- people who will benefit you in what ways.. (again, I wonder)..

anita

Dear Robi:

You are welcome, thank you, and good to read from you again!

“I’m experiencing a lot of impostor syndrome and insecurities which suck up a lot of my energy so I often end up being emotionally tired… I keep feeling like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing“-

– from very well mind/ imposter syndrome and social anxiety: “Studies also suggest that people who come from families that experienced high levels of conflict with low amounts of support may be more likely to experience imposter syndrome… Entering a new role can trigger impostor syndrome. For example… when starting a new position at work…
<p id=”mntl-sc-block_1-0-93″ class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”To move past these feelings, you need to become comfortable confronting some of the deeply ingrained beliefs you hold about yourself…  Talk to other people about how you are feeling… Make a realistic assessment of your abilities. Write down your accomplishments and what you are good at… Don’t focus on doing things perfectly, but rather, do things reasonably well and reward yourself for taking action… Question whether your thoughts are rational…  Don’t fight the feelings of not belonging. Instead, try to lean into them and accept them…</p>
<p class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”No matter how much you feel like you are a fraud or that you don’t belong, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your goals. Keep going and refuse to be stopped…. Don’t be held back by your fear of being found out. Instead, lean into that feeling and get to its roots. Let your guard down and allow others to see the real you”.</p>
Back to your post: “In the last years I’ve learned to be more accepting of myself… Teaching online makes it even more difficult but in the end I didn’t give up – I need the money… I haven’t even seen many of my friends or gone out drinking with them, the way I used to do in the past when I used to live here. This time I seem to have a different mindset – this time I’m more focused on my growth and my financial stability… I sat down with my anxiety and kept my eyes on the prize“-

– Change, Progress and Adulting: Robi growing up- becoming adult (part of the title of your thread), I am positively impressed!

“The one thing I’m really excited about is the arrival of my girlfriend on Thursday. She’ll be here for 10 days! I’m very happy about that… I seem to have grown a lot closer to my girlfriend, as if she’s both my best friend and partner. It all feels like home – in a really good way“- your girlfriend is your home, and it’s a very good thing!

“I’ve only been here for about 10 days but I feel like I’ve been here for months… Maybe I’m giving myself too much of a hard time, maybe I’m doing better than I think“- the Imposter Syndrome is indeed exhausting, taking a lot of your energy (like you stated in the beginning of your post), and time therefore feels longer.  And you are definitely doing better than you think (thinking that you are doing worse than you actually are is in the core of the Imposter Syndrome)

“I was thinking yesterday morning on the beach after finishing my meditation – ‘So what if I fail? Better fail than not even try ‘“- this is courage, Robi being Courageous!

anita

It’s been 18 days since you last posted, how are you, Worldofthewaterwheels?

anita