How are you, IMBACK?

anita

* I am liking your post, Tommy, to show you my appreciation for your posts, including your sense of humor, which I find to be positively hilarious (five days ago when an OP thanked you for your input, you responded with: “Yeah, sometimes I do not know when to keep my mouth shut” . lol!!!)

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I think I can give myself grace as to those thoughts still surfacing. I will do my best to keep mindful of these thoughts and not partake and know it will slowly vanish“- Grace, Mindfulness and Patience, the right attitude and practice combo!

“Did you ever fall into a relationship with a person who showed you the same contempt as your mother?“- no. Of all the people who were physically present in my life and with whom I interacted (unlike let’s say a historical/ political figure that caused destruction in millions of lives, including mine, but I was never in that person’s physical presence), no one bothered to put in the time and effort that my mother bothered to put into making me feel bad.

“Dear Retroactive awareness, I am excited for you to become ‘active‘”- (a face that thinks-it’s-funny emoji)

“I feel my dad will support someone I choose, proof of that is actually a relationship I had at 18…  my dad agreed to spend time with him alone when he wanted to get to know my dad“- because it flattered him that a much younger guy wanted to get to know him, to learn from him perhaps, as an admiring mentee?

“Once I turned 18, my dad’s restrictions suddenly stopped. He suddenly no longer cared where I was or how long I was gone“-it could be that he was following a rigid rule, that he was responsible to keep you away from guys only until the age of 18.

Or, it could be that when you were a teenager living with him, while and he was divorced from your mother, there was an emotionally- incestuous element to his demands that you will be available to him (ex., that you will taken a shower before he gets back home, if I remember correctly, so that you are there for him the moment he’s back home), and to his persistent insistence that you will not wear tight jeans etc., so not to attract boys. But by the time you turned 18, he was in a new romantic relationship (with his current girlfriend..?), and that’s when he stopped being.. inappropriately possessive of you.

“If I spent too long at my mom’s he said he felt like he was just a bank to me… and there is a similarity here with N too“- I don’t know what F wanted from you.. an ever-lasting admiration, a.. kind of love that’s not appropriate for a father to demand from his daughter..?

“I notice sometimes when I’m having a good time I worry the good time will end or that I will make it awkward and ruin it. D.. last night I met some new people..  we ended up just dancing all night with, and it was so much fun to dance like that. I do love to dance… There were moments I was dancing just carefree, then suddenly I’d have thoughts of wondering what I looked like and not wanting to ruin the moment by losing my ability to dance… I wonder what this is all about, where those thoughts are coming from. A thorn perhaps?“- this could be about F’s inappropriate possessiveness of you pre-18, his attention to your clothes being too revealing= his attention to your revealed feminine body, and how awkward and self-conscious it made you feel at the time.

“Do you remember when I commented about N’s lack of humor, and it still sounds superficial that I say it“- yes, I remember, and it no longer sounds superficial to me, not when I think of N being chronically numb as the reason behind him not being able to laugh (or compliment you, or elaborate about his feelings.. or freely dance..?)

“But to put it into perspective, last night I laughed more with M and the friends I met than I can ever remember laughing with N. I would love for my partner to be someone I can dance and laugh with, but I also want to be careful to not have too many standards/expectations“- sometime, you can journal about realistic expectations from a partner vs unrealistic expectations from a partner…

anita

Dear Gregory:

Thank you for your kind words! You asked how I am doing: well, in the last couple of nights I slept very, very little ad I am very, very tired.

“I really don’t know what I can do for you“- Maybe you can help me by praying that I sleep better..?

“However, if you have an ideas too on this research feel free to add“- during the long, long hours of being awake at night I thought about what I could add to the impressive and thorough research proposal you presented here, and I came up with something that I would add, if I had a part in putting this proposal together. I will develop the idea in this post, but first, I want to clarify that in the following, when I refer to a growing fetus (the unborn) as “something” or a “thing”, I understand that it may offend some people, but if I don’t use these, I wouldn’t be able to explain myself adequately:

Years ago, it occurred to me that if I had something growing inside my belly, something that’s expected to continue to grow for months, I would feel claustrophobic, as in urgently wanting this thing out of me, as soon as possible. This feeling is connected to how uncomfortable I’ve been since I remember myself when I eat too much and/ or my belly is big because of bloating. This intense sensitivity is connected to anxiety and what is called body vigilance: paying too much attention to sensations in the body and feeling distressed over them.

Continuing the thoughts above: if I had something growing in my body, and I would know that it will keep growing for months, and then, in its biggest form, it will have to come out of my body in  what women (who gave birth) refer to as the most physically painful experience in their lives, I would be in panic and want that thing out of me.. as soon as possible.

Think if it happened to you, Gregory.. (in your male form), how would you feel…

I didn’t research the topic, and didn’t read about it anywhere: these are my personal thoughts, but I have no doubt that there are other women in the world who think and feel similarly on this topic.

The research proposal paper says about pre-eclampsia: “It typically manifests after 20 weeks of gestation“- at 20 weeks, the developing fetus is big enough to trigger the panic I mentioned, in women inclined to panic.

“Various risk factors contribute to the development of pre-eclampsia, including a first pregnancy, multiple pregnancies (e.g., twins or triplets)“- it makes sense that women inclined to panic when pregnant, will panic the first time they are pregnant, and more so, if they have not only one “thing” growing inside them (and having to come out of them painfully), but two, or three.

“Globally, pre-eclampsia affects approximately 5-8% of pregnancies“- I am guessing that of the 5-8% of pre-eclampsia pregnancies (and it is only a guess), 2-3% of the pregnant women experience the panic I am referring to in this post.

The distressing symptoms of pre-eclampsia themselves can trigger panic/ elevated anxiety, but what I am suggesting in this post (and I am not a doctor or ay kind of a health professional!) is that in the case of some pregnant women, their thoughts, perceptions and feelings about being pregnant, by themselves, over time, may lead to the physical symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I believe that it is known that elevated, ongoing anxiety involves an over secretion of stress hormones into the blood, and those hormones can damage blood vessels and organs.

Therefore, in the “Data Collection Procedures” section that includes surveying pregnant women, I would add open-ended (non-leading) questions in regard to the pregnant woman’s feelings and perceptions about her body (see body vigilance), and particularly about her pregnancy, questions such as:(1) After a big meal, do you physically feel comfortable or uncomfortable? (2) Is it physically comfortable or uncomfortable for you to be pregnant? (2) If this is your first pregnancy, what did the women in your family who gave birth, tell you about the experience of giving birth?.

Depending on their answers, if there is evidence of elevated anxiety of the kind I mentioned above, more questions can be asked during a 2nd or 3rd survey. The information collected can be the basis for mental help and support (individual therapy/ group therapy) designed for this group of pregnant women.

* I am guessing that many women would resist admitting such feelings in regard to carrying their unborn babies, feeling ashamed of their feelings.. like they are abnormal and bad women and future mothers for feeling what they feel. This very shame can lead to anxiety on top of the anxiety they already feel. Therefore, attention should be paid by professionals to making women comfortable (not feeling abnormal or bizarre) with their feelings and take it from there.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I hope that you are having a nice Sun evening. I’ll read and reply to your recent posts Mon morning, hope you have a good night.

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome, and thank you!

“Recently I am not as scared to express that I don’t like something. I wish I could do it more often, it is very freeing“- it takes courage and repetition to change emotional-behavioral habits, such as feeling scared to express something you don’t like and not expressing it => feeling less scared to express something you don’t like and expressing it.

It can be a very frustrating process to change emotional-behavioral habits because it requires so much patience with the self. From my experience, I was stuck for years when it came to changing such habits because I wanted and expected a quick change, and when that didn’t happen, I denigrated myself, seeing the failure to produce a quick change as evidence of my faultiness and inadequacy as a person.. not understanding the nature of the process.

Also, changing behavioral habits involves the people we are interacting with. it requires that they are not aggressive or impatient with us. We need an attitude and practice of gentleness and patience from ourselves and from others.

Keep the good work, Caroline, a pleasure reading from you again.. and I remember and will remember my promise to you!

anita

Dear Megha:

You shared that you were together with your boyfriend since you were 19, now 31 (12 years). His parents didn’t want to meet you until 2 years ago, and when they did, they were very cold to you, his mother didn’t even talk to you. Most recently, his parents said No to marriage and No to a Roka (a pre-marriage ceremony, in Indian culture), not before your boyfriend’s 2 elder sisters get married.

“I cant deal with my insecurity and my boyfriend just backed out now because he cant give me any timeline for commitment. I am in unbearable pain He was my life. He was my husband to me...”- I am sorry that you are in unbearable pain (or were in unbearable pain one hour and 45 ago when you submitted the post above). Sooner than later, you will feel better!

When you say that he backed out, do you mean from the idea of marriage, or from the relationship as a whole? Also, is he his parents’ only son, and do you have any idea why his mother, didn’t like you as her son’s potential wife/ her potential daughter in-law… and why she didn’t arrange for her son to marry another woman, one of her choice?

anita

Dear Gregory:

I hope you read my reply to you in Lisa’s thread. As to your two most recent posts in this thread, I will attentively reply Sun morning (in about 15 hours from now). Again, thank you for your kindness and for being here with me. I’ll be back to you in the morning.

anita