Dear Clara:

*Note added late into typing this post: this is another post that may be distressing for you to read. Remember: you always have the option to not read, or to read and stop reading whenever you choose. My purpose is not to distress, but to help you *

You are welcome. I wouldn’t send her an email (aka contacting her) for the rest of the time you agreed to not contact her.

“What do you suggest me to write in the journal? I have drafted an email  for her“- you mentioned journaling, a solitary activity,  and then your mind quickly shifted to her, wanting to connect with her.

I spent more than 3.5 hour reviewing your past posts in this thread and in previous threads, and what became clear to me, more than before, is that you carry unresolved anger and suspicion with you (from childhood) and you bring this combo into your romantic relationships, with detrimental results.

May 31, 2016, your very first post (I am adding the boldface feature): “I was in a relationship for more than a year… occasionally, I treated her with tantrum or sometime she thought I mistreated her or dismissed her, or possibly disrespected her. I was in fact, a very blunt person…  I did have quite intense temper tantrums…  In the end, my emotions were proven too much for her, and she decided to leave… She seemed to be very frightened of me…  I did slap her… I realize for the cheating itself, it seems that I shouldn’t bear with the guilt. However, as I review my previous interaction with her, I began to feel that I hit a few of the emotionally abusive pattern, for example, I did accuse her for being too sensitive, I did disregard her opinion, I did blame her for things that she seemed to be not doing right, and she did have a feeling that everything that I said was right, and she has lost a part of herself trying to follow my path. I did feel dominating... And from the way she said she needed to leave me, she said she was very scared of me, it just fit the symptoms of someone being abused… I have always thought I was a compassionate and kind person, and I guess that’s where the guilt came from… She seemed to be too scared… emotionally she was very scared already, seeing me in such intense emotions… I know her friends didn’t like me either, apparently because she said I was very harsh on her... she blamed me hurting her through all the accusation, shouting and yelling“.

I want to look at the history of your current (now on a break) relationship. To keep it simple, I’ll refer to her as A. The first time you mentioned A was on Oct 7, 2018: “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months, and we have gone out a few times until she disclosed at some point (I would say with ambiguity at first) that she had girlfriend… Basically when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on , her partner came back to her and they got together…. She, accordingly to her, was in a pretty distanced relationship with her partner… I have a very strong sense of resentment when I suspected that she was going out with her gf… and I don’t feel like this is even legitimate, I am simply not her girlfriend… We are still talking like normal, but I am thinking my resentment might be building up… I think part of her really didn’t want to talk about her partner, just because it also consists of lots of negative emotions, involving betrayal, distanced and hurt…  She did say sorry… I feel I was led on… I feel used, and hurt and angry…  I do like talking to her. But part of me feels angry and upset“.

Oct 8, 2018: “She does respond to me, and she does initiate conversation. Now thinking, it’s not easy for her to know at the back of her mind that I might just cut her off anytime, she could have just said we should cut off. But she did say she felt apologetic and so she would let me decide on it, instead of the other way round. In a way, I appreciate how she is mending this… I attribute a lot of the negative feelings to her having a partner, but I have to say it seems disproportionally strong, given that my friend and I have done nothing that crossed the line“.

Oct 18, 2018:  “I have this anger and sad emotions that gradually flow out, which isn’t good for any kind of relationship, friendship included“.

June 25, 2024: “All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit  of anger, lost, helplessness, a bit irritated by the fact that I need to ‘wait’ for one month, a bit lonely as I can’t reach out to her and connect with her as much as I want to/used to. Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just wan to use this time to break up“.

June 26: “Yes, indeed I am suspicious of her… Two days ago, I ran into her,.. from (her) facial expression, I knew very clearly she was suffering. Weirdly that night I felt better, knowing that she is just suffering and may really need some time to think over things”.

June 27: “It’s such a roller coaster ride to have fear anger sad etc., etc.,  and the feeling the love for someone and missing that person dearly… Other than that, I sometime have some overreacting and made her scared, she takes my emotions as her responsibilities and it seems those are too heavy for her. But in fact, my emotions should be mainly my responsibilities, and I will take that as my duty instead“.

July 2: “she might be afraid of making me overreact, and that may be she did not want to trigger me. May be throughout the years, my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time, she did mention she didn’t know how to deal with my reaction sometimes… Maybe she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore”.

(I can’t find the date): “she mentioned… she had to be on tip toe all the time“, July 5: “I can still sense she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes“.

July 6: “Just now I had an angry feeling. Primarily because after I told her about my mom, she didn’t reach out to check on me. I feel like any ordinary friend would check on me. I thought of breaking up with her just to end things”.

– This July 11 morning, I realize that it’s been difficult for me to think of you, Clara (such a nice, gracious person, here in your treads, a person with so much hurt and fear inside), as an abusive person in a different context, so I rejected that idea. But now, I think that you were indeed abusive in the two relationships you shared about. You were indeed empathetic and kind with both partners.. until you got angry. When angry, suspicion took over, you saw your partner as the guilty one, the one responsible for your suspicion and distrust, and you proceeded to blame, intimidate, dominate and punish the two, as well as repeatedly threatening to end the relationship.

“I am naturally very empathic and sentimental and wants to get close to some ppl, but yet I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger” (July 1, 2024)- seems to me that the two partners you shared about were not really a source of danger to you, but when fearful, you perceived them as a source of danger, and when fear turned to anger, you proceeded to defend yourself (so it felt to you) against the perceived danger, which in reality, translated to abusing your partners.

Seeing that still, during the break, you’ve kept blaming A, getting angry at her, and disrespecting her need for a break from you (a break that you initiated), I think that a reunion between the two of you is a bad idea, and that serious psychotherapy for you is a must before you re-enter a romantic relationship with A, or enter one with a new partner.

July 1-, 2024: “as a child, there was no personal space for myself…  my parents have no sense of privacy, my mom would walk in (the door often has no lock) while I was showering… He (your father)  would force me to go eat breakfast with him but there are times when I didn’t want to, to a point I cried really hard thinking why was he forcing me to do something I didn’t want to… he called me useless and loser… So from young I have learned to hide my emotions“- I imagine that you got very angry when your mother was invading your personal space, and when your father was forcing you to do something you didn’t want to do, and calling you names. You hid/suppressed your valid anger, anger that has been exploding to the surface in the context of romantic relationships.

Back to your recent question: “What do you suggest me to write in the journal?“- you can journal about your anger when your privacy was invaded and when you were abused otherwise, growing up. It will help to resolve that hidden anger (and suspicion and distrust).. that’s not really hidden.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I do my best to consciously refuse to act a certain way to get some perceived approval from them. I am proud of this“- you are giving yourself credit for behaving congruently with your value of authenticity, not people-pleasing at the expense of your authenticity.

“My mom also has/had these poor-me sessions, demanding I see her… It was in this time I believe my mom used me as an emotional venting place….Then 16 when I moved in with him, is when he began to demand this excessive visibility from me“- at different times, both your parents used you as a source of narcissistic supply  (excessive need for attention and/ or admiration).

“I truly feel bad about your thoughtful message getting left without a response, please forgive me“- you are forgiven.

* It is possible that this post will come out messy because I am copied and pasted from an online source. If it does, I will resubmit the following in a clear form.

Dear anonymous:

“... I console myself  that everything is the outcome of overthinking… I need to take all my decisions. But this is where I get confused. It seems every decision I take will result negatively and I try to think of all consequences from the decisions I try to make and I get lost. Even a simple decision seems an uphill task for me hence this results in serious procrastination“- when one is lost in overthinking, then indeed even a simple decision is an uphill task and procrastination is the result.

From very well mind/ how to know when you are overthinking: “Overthinking can be a hard habit to break…  the longer you think about something, the less time and energy you have to take productive action. Plus, thinking about all the things you could have done differently, second-guessing your decisions, and continuously imagining worst-case scenarios can be exhausting… Overthinking involves thinking about a certain topic or situation excessively and analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else… Research suggests that overthinking is associated with feelings of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)…

Back to your post: “Whoever I am communicating with at the moment, I try using compassion and empathy and ensure I do not use words that hurts them. In fact in the past, friends who used to come to me for sharing their issues. I listened to them and provided help to the best of my abilities.  I was deeply hurt when I was having issues and looked for them. They were not there“-

– in line with the last point in  article I quoted from, try using compassion and empathy toward yourself and ensure that you do not use words that hurt you. Listen to yourself and provide help to yourself. Be there  for you.

“I have been smoking heavily since the past 4.5 years. From this morning, I have made goal to reduce it slowly and ultimately quit“- congratulations for making this goal and I wish you success!

anita

Dear Clara:

I am not focused, almost bed time for me, but for now, as to the post you submitted only 4 minutes ago: yes, it is possible that she will break up with you, it is at least a 50- 50 chance, I think. A real possibility.

Be strong, stay strong. You’ll be okay either way. Be strong if she breaks up with you; be strong if you are back together with her: strong either way.

anita

Dear Franco: keep the message short (not too long) and light, yet honest and quite direct..?

anita

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome. You shared in your 2nd post that 4-5 years ago, you were “full of life and energy“, and “all of a sudden past events started (to take over your life)” and basically, you were depressed. Recently, you shared about some of your issues with your brother, and as a result of your sharing and his active listening, you felt “good for a few days and then suddenly (you were) back to square 1. All the good vibes that were there were suddenly erased“=you were back to being depressed.

This is how your depression looks like, taken from your original post 3 months and 4 days ago (April 5): “The pain inside the heart and mind is unbearable… feelings of despair, fear, helplessness, and void… I think I was never programmed to stay happy. I live in constant fear… I see no end to the suffering and pain which I am sure will come in multiple packages. I see life becoming even more toxic (people spitting venom in the social media) and tougher to survive and exist“.

You asked me (2nd post): “I have started to listen to relaxing music, and this helps a bit. I have started journaling, and it has helped me to let out my emotions. However, there are triggering factors which completely consumes me, brings all the negative emotions and all the effort which I put seems to go in vain and I am back to start. Is this a normal process?“- healing is not a linear process: there’s improvement, then regression (back to feeling badly), then improvement, sometimes great improvement and you think you’re done healing, but.. then feeling badly again, and disappointed: it’s like a zigzag line with ups and downs, while the overall trajectory, over time, is upward if you continue the process in spite of the regressions.

So, yes, the zigzag nature of healing is normal. But for healing to proceed, you have to expect and accept the regressions as a normal part of the process, to persevere and continue.

“Morning is the worst time and the moment I wake up I am instantly grappled by feeling of despair, fear, helplessness, and void (April 5)…I still get anxiety bouts specially during the morning and wish I was not alive in the morning (July 8)- I think that you’ll need to start and restart the healing process every morning by stating your objectives of your healing. Perhaps you can formulate your objectives and start each day with them in mind.

It is scary and depressing to feel powerless, no wonder you are anxious and depressed. I see the hope for your healing in changing your attitude from that of personal helplessness to that of personal empowerment, in you believing that you have some (some, not a whole lot) power over what happens in your life.

(April 5): “My father was concerned about my future and took all my decisions (till his death)“- it is time for you to take all of your decisions, to be powerful in your own life!

(April 5): “I am not fit for this world. Hatred, deception, and hypocrisy are the qualities to survive in this world and unfortunately, I do not have them. I never imagined surviving in this world would be this harsh. How can we say life is beautiful when all we see, and experience is cruelty and hatred. This place belongs to those who can crush, kill, and bury others while pretending to be civil. There is nothing pure, simple, and pristine. There is no room for soft-hearted, sensitive, shy, and simple people. Having these qualities is an open invitation for exploitation“- it is time for you to do more than to survive a harsh world. Too many people’s place in this world is indeed a place of hatred, deception and hypocrisy (while all of us have to address these within us, not just outside of us), but that doesn’t mean that you need to withdraw from the world. Instead of withdrawing from it, take your rightful place in it.

There is a saying: Be the change you want to see in the world. Your rightful place in the world, using your words, is to be the pure, simple, and pristine person you wish others were, best you can! Participate in life more, actualize yourself in this world.

July 8: “It is good to see my child growing, speaking new words and calling me“- there is a concept called a Beginner’s Mind: the willingness to see everything as if for the first time, free of prejudice, judgments, or biases. It’s the way a young child sees everything. A young child is also focused on the present time, nothing to ruminate about: that’s why they are happy and hopeful. Try to see things through your child’s eyes and focus on the present moment.

Every day, beginning in the morning, shift from despair to hope, bit by bit, in spite of and through expected regressions.

anita

Dear Clara:

May your emotions (and mine) no longer cloud our logic.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome. “No doubt I have grown a lot throughout the years… No doubt I have my resilience, been in even tougher situations“- and indeed, you have what it takes to deal well with the current situation.

“Then I remember what Anita said: I needed to think in her shoes… Last night, I decided to hide all her IG stories and also log out of the app“- think about how it is to be in her own shoes, but operate from the position of your own shoes: fair to her and fair to you, not one at the expense of the other.

anita