Dear Louise:

About Louise-the-child & teenager: “My childhood home was very difficult. My parents argued and fought constantly.. We lived in the middle of nowhere, so I had no ability to get myself away from the home. I was dependent on my parents to drive me to visit a friend. So I felt very trapped in this place where my parents were constantly shouting and screaming at each other. My father had mental health issues . But also as a young child, I would get very homesick if I went away from home even for a night. As a teenager, I had a lot of conflict with my parents and I did run away from home a few times“-

– your childhood home was the birthplace of Conflict within you: wanting to be in the home (very homesick), and wanting to be out of the home (very trapped… run away from home).

As a child, living in the middle of nowhere, where nothing was happening outside the home, Little Louise wished and longed to live somewhere else, somewhere where things were happening, a place of excitement.

In the home, you were exposed to domestic war (parents argued and fought constantly… constantly shouting and screaming at each other). There were moments of lull in the home, maybe whole evenings, maybe days, and Little Louise felt some comfort and security, a sense of belonging and love, but war was just around the corner. From one point on, Little Louise no longer trusted home to be a place of comfort and belonging. It was a place of expected trepidation, a place to survive by being as numb and unfeeling to it as possible, as distracted as possible. But she remembers (deep inside, subconsciously, if not consciously) those moments of comfort, security, closeness and belonging.

“I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life“- this right here is evidence that there were moments in that war-zone home, moments of comfort, security and belonging, moments when you felt close to your mother, moments when you felt security in her company. You crave comfort, security etc., in a home (your most recent, with your ex) because you experienced them in your original home, only too little, and in between long stretches of war.

“It is a conflict inside me. The longing for freedom but then for security too“- your adult longings are for: (1) comfort, security, belonging and closeness you experienced too little of in your original home, (2) freedom from the trepidation/ distress (negative kind of excitement) that you experienced a lot of, in your original home, (3) places of (positive) excitement outside the home, places over there, places of hope, places you longed for, as a child living in the middle of nowhere.

“Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way. I also wonder if it is a case of the grass is always greener – I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored. But maybe this is indicative of another problem and I need to learn to accept a relationship as it develops and becomes less ‘exciting’ rather than looking for something new, which I think is what I tend to do“- it’s the same Louise-the-child, trapped in the old home, in the middle of nowhere, craving .. something, somewhere, someone new. Home was a war zone, causing you a negative kind of excitement, leading to numbing/ dissociating- which feel like boredom. Hope to undo the boredom is over there where the grass is greener, a place of adventure/ positive excitement.

“For the past few years I no longer felt physically attracted to my boyfriend and I didn’t want any intimacy with him, or even physical affection… I know he wasn’t happy with this situation but he tolerated it. I would often spend a few months away travelling alone over the winter, which he also tolerated. On the last occasion I met another man. We started messaging each other and this went on for months after I returned home… My long term boyfriend asked me one day if I still wanted to be in the relationship with him as I guess it was clear I was very disengaged. I said no not really and proceeded to prepare to leave our home… I think about contacting my ex boyfriend as we are still in contact and asking if I can come back“- I was wrong yesterday to suggest that you contact him for the purpose of you receiving social support. He should be given a complete/ non-compromised  opportunity to be set free from a failed relationship, and to move on.. to someone/ something new.

“I am still travelling – something I have always loved in the past – but I feel completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy it“- completely lost because you don’t have a place where you can experience moments of what a home should be, moments you experienced too little of, moments you need.

“I also regret selling furniture of mine..  I keep obsessing over furniture I sold“-  a feeling of home, of comfort and security, a sense of belonging and closeness, is associated with your furniture. You are obsessing about a feeling of home.

“Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now“- this panic is how it often, too often felt to be a child at home with your parents, trapped.

“The other man…“- the other man is and has been a distraction, distracting you from the boredom of living with your ex, distracting you from the feeling of being trapped with your ex. He is the greener appearing grass. I was wrong yesterday to suggest that you contact him for the purpose of receiving social support.

“The fact is now it feels really unbearable. It is 3 am where I am. I cannot sleep. My mind is constantly full of these thoughts and just wanting to go back home. It really feels like a crisis and in the moment I don’t know what to do… You may imagine I am younger but I am in my late 40s. I guess I have been like this my whole life and I have no idea where to start. All I know is, I feel this desperate urge that I have to go back home“- you are like a child being away from home, like a child suffering from separation anxiety, experiencing a range of intense and distressing emotions when away from home or from a primary caregiver: fear and Panic, Loneliness, Helplessness, Sadness, and more.

“There is a town I could go to in the country. I am in where there will be people that I know who I have met several times, spent time with and become friends with. I keep thinking I could go there maybe I would feel better“- this is a way, way better idea than to stay with your ex, or with the other man!

“But then part of me just wants to go home“- time to grieve the home you never had= a place where you felt adequately safe, secure, and taken care of, a place from which you didn’t want to escape. When you grieve it (it being what you didn’t have), you no longer believe it’s still there for you.

When you grieve the home you never had, you place that.. pretend-home in the past, and you make yourself free and available- not to a new distraction- but to a home, one that’s not a pretend-home for a while.

Talking about home, there is a book by the late John Bradshaw that comes to my mind, it’s called Homecoming. (Online:) “The book guides readers through a process of recognizing and healing childhood wounds by reconnecting with their inner child. This involves acknowledging past abuse or neglect, expressing repressed emotions, grieving unmet needs, and challenging toxic shame and guilt. By doing so, adults can develop healthier patterns of behavior and relationships”.

I personally exited my childhood with severely unmet emotional needs such as safety, closeness, belonging.. love, and with  toxic shame and guilt, and repressed emotions, my inner child as dissociated as can be, and so, I continued to be an anxious, repressed child throughout decades of supposed-to-be adulthood. As an adult, I looked for a caretaker, a parent.. wanted my childhood to be redone, but redone right, this time. An impossibility, as we can’t move backward in time. I will tell you more, if you would like, but this post is long enough as it is and there is a lot in it to process as is.

I hope to communicate more and more with you over time. How are you feeling today/ tonight?

anita

You are very welcome. Be strong, Louise, back to you in about 12 hours from now,

anita

Dear Arden:

I am not focused enough to read and process your original post of only five minutes ago, but I wanted to let you know: I am so happy to read from you!!! I will be back you Thurs morning (Wed evening here).

anita

Dear louise:

You are welcome and no worries about the strange symbols. You are a good person and you don’t deserve to suffer from either guilt nor.. anything else. It will be okay, you’ll figure out what to do. Life is complicated isn’t it (I’ll be back to you in the morning).

anita

Dear Louise:

First, it is not the time to make long-term commitments and decisions in regard to any of the two men. Second, I think (and again, I am not focused, don’t remember everything that you shared, and will re-read and reply tomorrow), that if I was you, I would contact both men today and tell them (in separate communications, of course)  just how you feel at this time, and that you are not in the place to be there for them, and perhaps that you regret that, and.. wait for their separate responses. This might give you much needed information.

I hope you get some rest/ sleep today, and I hope that I sleep tonight (Wed., 4:32 pm here, and getting dark).

anita

Dear Louise: about your most recent post: think short-term. You need help now. Think about staying with him for just as long as you need to. Not for any particular length of time, and definitely not forever. Or, if you can get support elsewhere, somewhere warm, that can work too, maybe better. What is certain is that you need not be alone at this time. It needs to be someone safe for you, safe and supportive, whomever/ wherever it may be.

anita

Dear Louise:

I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed early afternoon here, but I slept so little and so poorly last night that my thinking is very slow and getting slower). But for now, regarding  “It really feels like a crisis and in the moment I don’t know what to do“- call a  friend now, be it very early morning where you are at, call the man you’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. Let him help you, have you in his home for some time, as a friend. You need help/ social support. Can you do that, call him, that is?

anita

Dear Louise:

As I read your posts, I had this image of a girl running away from home.

“we lived together for 6 years. For the past few years I no longer felt physically attracted to my boyfriend and I didn’t want any intimacy with him, or even physical affection“- emotionally, you ran away from the home you shared with him.

“I would often spend a few months away travelling alone over the winter“- physically, you ran away from the home you shared with him.

“I met another man. We started messaging each other and this went on for months after I returned home“- emotionally, you ran away with another man.

“Long story short, I decided I wanted to leave my long term relationship and do more travelling.. and proceeded to prepare to leave our home, and go travelling with no base“- more physical running away, only this time with no home to return to.

“Once I had left and set off travelling on my own I initially felt good but after only several days I was hit by feeling terrible, distraught that I had left my home and essentially made myself homeless… I am still travelling – something I have always loved in the past – but I feel completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy it“- generally, a child/ teenager who imagines running away from home (a place where there’s ongoing, unresolved conflict, maybe abuse, a place where he/ she feels constrained, bored and misunderstood), sometimes develops a romanticized view of running away from home, seeing it as an adventure or a path to freedom. They imagine life on the streets as exciting and free from rules, where no one can tell them what to do. This idealized view- and euphoric feelings involved-  often overlooks the harsh realities, such as the dangers, hunger, and cold they might face.

Faced with dangers, hunger, cold, they may return home and feel a combination of emotions among which is Relief (a sense of safety and comfort in being back in a familiar environment) and Guilt (Feeling ashamed for having run away and the worry they caused their loved ones).

In your case (and I understand that you are an adult), you had no home to return to, so no Relief. No Relief =>  feeling terrible, distraught… completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy.

“I just want to be back home… I guess I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life… Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now… The longing for freedom but then for security too. Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way… I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored“- seems to me  (and please correct me if I am wrong), that growing up in your original home was a mix bag of Comfort and Conflict. There were long periods of time when you felt trapped and bored at home, yearning for freedom and excitement. Fast forward, as most often is the case, distressing childhood experience is re-experienced in adulthood.

If I am correct, your childhood/ growing up experience of conflict, entrapment and boredom needs to be addressed and processed. I hope to read your response to my thoughts and to communicate further.

anita