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anitaParticipant* Dear Tommy:
What a revolutionary idea (for me!): I never thought of controlling one’s fear by (1) Recognizing the conditions that scare me, (2) Planning to not feel the fear before those conditions happen. I never heard or read such an idea and I am going to put it into practice in the next day or so… she how it works. Thank you, Tommy!
* Dear Shanna: since the original didn’t reply to you, would you to address a question to other members (here or in your own thread, if you choose to start one?)
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshiti:
You are welcome, and no problems as to you taking your time before replying.
“The values I came down to are- Success, Personal Development, Well-Being and Growth. But I feel this is not the complete thing and I need to do more work to develop better perspectives“- you can develop your thoughts about professional success in the context of relationships with people you interact with professionally. There are people who are okay with cheating and mistreating others so to get ahead professionally; what are your values in regard to how you would treat others and how you expect to be treated in the professional world?
You can develop well-being in the context of personal relationships, similar to the above: what are your values in regard to how you treat others in your personal life, and how do you expect them to treat you?
You listed very impressive goals. “How to develop a greater sense of purpose and develop a better approach towards the core component of my life?“- this reads to me like an academic-like, complicated question. Can you simplify this question for me?
“Also, I would like to ask you about mindfulness. How can one apply it for anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well as for overall wellbeing?“- re-read my Feb 21 post (page 2 of your thread) where you asked a similar question (only you didn’t mention Mindfulness) and I answered: the NPARR Strategy, which is a Mindfulness technique that works for me. Try it in regard to your obsessive (aka intrusive) thoughts, will you?
And please feel comfortable to post again whenever you choose, whenever it is convenient for you, no need to rush.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshiti: I will read and reply in the next 24 hours.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, part 3:
I was a baby, under fed in her womb but force fed outside the womb. She told me that I refused to eat, and so, she’d close my nose with her fingers so that I’d open my mouth to breathe, an when I did, she pushed food into my mouth. One of my dominant tics these days, is to suddenly open my mouth and gasp for air.
Sometime in the first year of my life, I suffered dysentery and very high fever, taken to a hospital dying, and placed there is an isolation ward to which my mother had no access. After weeks or months there, she was allowed to take me back. When she arrived to retrieve me, (she told me), that In turned away from her and held the nurse tightly.
Continued on another day.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, part 2:
When my mother was pregnant with me (and for years after), she suffered from an eating disorder, bulimia nervosa (she didn’t know the name for it, never diagnosed, of course, given the under-developed state of the area and most of the country as a whole). I remember her purposefully throwing up by inserting her hand into her throat.
While pregnant with me, she gained very little weight, so little, that on delivery day (she told me about it), the hospital staff mistook her for a visitor. She didn’t look pregnant. What followed was a breech delivery of a small baby. Throughout primary and junior high school, I remained significantly smaller and developed later than all but one of my female peers.
med. net. ca/ impact of maternal nutrition on fetal development: “Both nutrition and environment affect the ability and performance of the central nervous system. Maturation of the central nervous system is not linear. A decisive period of development represents a once-only window of opportunity that can neither be repeated nor reversed. The entire developmental period of the brain has subcritical periods, each of which may be disrupted and thereby affect the maturation and organization of the brain. Nutritional deprivation seems associated with varying degrees of intellectual disturbance such as cognitive impairments and attention deficit disorders“-
-and indeed I suffered early on and still, to this very day, I suffer from significant degrees of intellectual disturbances, such as cognitive impairments and attention deficit disorders. One reason why I’ve enjoyed so much being an active, daily participant in these forums on tiny buddha, for so many years (since May 2015, with a 6-month pause of Feb- Aug 2023), is that because of the format here, I have all the time in the world to read and re-read, copy and paste, organize and re-organize the information on the computer screen, to look up definitions of words that I keep forgetting, and in so doing, I am able to learn/ to form connections in my brain that otherwise- in other formats (such as in having a conversation with a person in real-life)- I am not able to make.
Here, in the context of these forums, I get to be.. smart, to feel the delight of being able to use my brain. But when sitting with people, hearing them talk- to me or to other people- so much is lost to me. I simply stop listening because I get lost. People say words that although I heard many times, the meaning of the words are lost to me. People connect two things that to me, are not connected.
Words people say stay in isolation… words they say do not get connected in my brain, to other words they say, nor do the connect to memories of things I heard or read before.
All through school, the way I’d study for a test (pre-computer) was to write and re-write for many, many hours. I’d then take the test, do okay (not great), and soon after the test, I’d forget the material. I remember in college, a certain professor, from the moment she started her lectures, to the moment she ended them, not a single word she said registered. The way I passed her class was to.. write and re-write and organize material from a book, then pass the test and.. forget the material.
At different jobs that required attention, such as clerical work, I failed.
I can spend hours and years in a room and not remember the color of the walls, or that there is a huge light fixture on the wall.. and once I pay attention, it’s like I see the room for the first time.. and then, I forget yet again.
Figurative language is lost on me, can’t connect words people say to figurative meaning, and often, in regard to many words, I forget the literal meaning and have to look those words up.. again and again.
If someone tries to show me how to do a task, I get very anxious, it’s so difficult for me to pay attention. I so prefer mindless, simple tasks. All this means that from the very beginning of my adulthood, and still, I am not qualified to do many, many jobs, and none that includes managing people and projects.
Part 3 of my story will be next.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, my story the way I never told it before, part 1:
I was born into (at the time) an underdeveloped country, an area occupied by new, unsettled, and uneducated immigrants. The general attitude and understanding was that a child’s mental constitution was determined at birth, and/ or was a matter of the child’s independent choices, that is, choices independent of how the child was treated.
How parents treated their children was considered a matter of no relevance to the child’s mental-emotional health. If a child was mentally unhealthy then it meant (according to this attitude) that the child was born that way. If the child (at any age) acted in generally dis-approvable ways, it meant that the child was bad (not sick), and needed to be punished (not helped).
The dominant attitude was that a child was his/ her parents’ property to do with as they pleased- as long as bones weren’t broken and blood was not shed. People who witness any lesser forms of child abuse (forms that do not include visible, severe physical injury or death) did not interfere. Those who cared did not interfere because they didn’t want to get hurt in the crossfire; be attacked by the angry parent. The mentality was that it is a parent’s Right to do with their child as they pleased, that it was no one’s business how they treated their child, as in saying: my child is for me to do with as I please; your child is for you to do with as you please!
I have this particular memory that left a big impression on me: I was maybe a preteen, maybe a teenager, visiting a neighbors’ house, also visited by the neighbors’ relatives from the U.S. The American relative, a mother, felt the need to .. discipline her son. She did it inside the house while her sister and others (including me) sat or stood close to the door outside the house. What followed were blood churning screams of her preteen son. All you could hear were his screams and the sound of whatever it was that she used to hit him with, and that went on for a long time. At the end of it, the mother was done with the deed, everyone was quiet and no mention of it ever followed.
Here is another scene: I was an older teenager (high school) and failed to be at home in the afternoon for the meal my mother prepared for me. Angry, she walked the 5-10 minutes to where I was, and walked me back home while calling me names, hitting, kicking and shoving me with her arms and legs. It was done on then street in broad daylight with people watching. No one interfered.
I remember being inside the apartment where we lived, after dark, a thin wall shared with the next door neighbors, she was screaming and yelling at me (and hitting my face with her open hand, right to left, left to right), and I remember wondering: can’t the neighbors hear this?.. They heard and were silent, never a mention of it.
But my mother went beyond what other adults in the neighborhood did: I remember the day she got angry with a music teacher in the primary school I attended (not following something that happened between her and the teacher, but following what someone said the teacher said). She walked up to the school- while it was in session- finding the correct classroom, and standing outside of it, she demanded that the teacher steps outside. She proceeded, for a long time, to scream and yell at the teacher, calling her names, threatening to beat her up (maybe she did, I don’t remember). All of the pupils including me (I was mortified), and school personnel stood there watching. No police was called. (I have no memory of there being a police force where I lived). When my mother was done, she walked back home.. and of all the children, I got to go home with… the crazy woman.
Following the above, nothing happened. There was no follow up: no psychological counseling offered for me, or for my mother, or for anyone present in school that day. There was no mention of it, that I know of.
Part 2 of my story will be next.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels:
Before you can find answers for your personal “study in loneliness and rejection” (title of your thread), you have to find an effective way to calm down.
You cannot conduct a study on anything when you are as angry, stressed out and unable to focus as you are (“I’m still feeling very angry all the time… I’m angry all the time. And when I’m angry, other things go wrong.. Basically, I’m totally unable to focus… I’m too stressed out“).
“I go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much“- these are two ways to calm down that haven’t been effective for you.
Can you address what I brought up here, in this post, with your therapist/ doctor?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels: I am looking forward to read and reply to you Sat morning (in about 11 hours from now).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels:
You wrote yesterday (I am adding the boldface feature selectively for emphasis): “It’s been a while and I’ve been seeing a therapist… The therapist is talking about the emotional child state and the rational adult state… I think she feels I’m trapped still in my early adolescent child state… often find myself feeling attacked by others, I guess I come across as too soft with others but it’s not in fact how I am“-
-Like your therapist, I also think that you are trapped in an emotional child state, that of the child and adolescent that you were, when being too soft was your way to.. get along with your mother. It was not that you were born to be too soft/ weak; it was an adjustment to living with your mother.
Your father made the same adjustment as a child, and was already adjusted in this way when he married your mother: “my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak… being very apologetic“-
– your mother was at the top, strong/ dominant; your father took the bottom position: too soft, submissive, incredibly weak.
You wrote in regard to your family of origin: “We basically learnt…that bullies always win“- the bully, as I see it, is your mother. Your father adjusted to her before meeting her (he had practice). You adjusted to her after entering the world through her..
“My sister… has achieved a lot by steering her partner where she wants to go. I do not possess this skill“- are you referring to the skill of bullying.. of being at the top?
The key to healthy, successful relationships is it being a Win-Win dynamic, both sides win, no one is at the bottom (the loser) while the other is at the top (the winner).
Back to your yesterday’s post: “Therapist and family both saying just take your time and be kind to yourself. I just find that really hard… I cant let go of the need, the feeling I need, to achieve things.. to compete and do well compared to others“-
– maybe you think that the only way for you to get up from under, to be at the top, to win, is to achieve things professionally and financially, to compete with others in these areas, and be at the top compared to them. But no: there are plenty of people who achieved professionally/ financially (your father is an example, isn’t he?) who remain at the bottom.
You can come up to the top today, a bit, and tomorrow some more- but not in comparison to others (that’s not the real top). It is a matter of attitude and everyday practice. Something you can discuss with your therapist?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels: Good to read back from you! I will read and reply Thurs morning (it is Wed evening here).
anita
March 13, 2024 at 9:50 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #428629anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
This is going to be a long post, put together with a wide open 3rd eye, wider than it ever been in context of your thread. I hope that you read it patiently and attentively. It may feel intense, so trigger warning.
All the following quotes are from what you posted. I will be adding the boldface feature to the quotes.
Oct 11, 2023: “I completely feel the same way about there being different soulmates in our lives in different forms. I have found this in a friend, my sisters and my mom. But something interesting I’ve noticed is that these soulmates can sometimes be distracted with other things and lead me to not feeling that connection at times. My best friend is dating someone who I would not put up with… I don’t feel that soulmate connection with her at the moment, which hurts my heart. Same with my sisters and mom, it comes and goes“-
– there is an old, strong core emotional experience within you: feeling alone and disconnected, as in I am alone, there’s no one with me/ for me, no love for me. This core experience makes you intolerant of normal fluctuations in the level of emotional connection with the people in your life. It is as if you expect the same level of connection at al times, an unrealistic expectation born out of the core experience I mentioned in this paragraph. You emotionally overreact to normal disconnections by feeling acutely alone/ disconnected (lonely).
July 29-30, 2023: “N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments I feel so so lonely… why do I crave to have the same sense of humor and be on the same spiritual journey. Is it just my own issues you think?”-
– You craved N to have the same sense of humor as yours, the same spiritual journey, because otherwise you feel acutely lonely. We talked plenty about how N is too far removed from what you need in a partner, which is still true, but it is also true that your expectation to be 100% connected with another person at al times in all ways is very unrealistic, and no boyfriend/ no person can fit the bill.
This craving for 100% alignment/ connection at all times is born out of that core experience of acute loneliness.
Oct 6, 2023: “I feel so alone“.
Five months and 34 pages later, March 10, 2024: “I notice sometimes when I’m having a good time I worry the good time will end or that I will make it awkward and ruin it… last night I met some new people… we ended up just dancing all night with and it was so much fun to dance like that… There were moments I was dancing just carefree then suddenly I’d have thoughts of wondering what I looked like and not wanting to ruin the moment by losing my ability to dance… like losing the groove and then ruining the connection with the person. I wonder what this is all about, where those thoughts are coming from”-
– I believe that these thoughts are coming from the core experience I mentioned above, that of acute and prolonged childhood/ adolescent lack of needed connection aka loneliness. Dancing you felt connected to those you danced with, then suddenly, you were afraid to lose the connection.
Connected, you have a good time; disconnected, you have a (very) bad time.
Within your core experience of loneliness there is a belief that you are responsible to connections coming to an end (“I will .. ruin it“, above).
Back to July 29, 2023: “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months... N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes… And in those moments I feel so so lonely… I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time… I also don’t want to be ungrateful and expect that there’s something better out there for me…why do I crave to have the same sense of humor… ?”-
-those small disconnects were objectively small (ex., not laughing at your jokes as much as some other people do, at times), but subjectively, these disconnects feel huge because they trigger/ activate your core experience I mentioned above, that of acute and prolonged childhood/ adolescent lack of needed connection aka loneliness.
No, N is not the most genuine, loving, caring man (we’ve discussed it and you agreed: he’s chronically numb, partly or to a large extent because of his chronic consumption of weed.. which makes him numbly-patient), and no man can be what you need him to be, so this entire debate is likely to reoccur in future relationships.
Let’s look closer at the core experience:
Oct 10, 2023: “My dad is a success oriented man and if I wasn’t doing things to his standards I received a very cold version of him…My partner consoles me when I have panic attacks and I have always been alone in those“- (1) A very cold version of your father (F)= a harsh disconnect. (2) You have experienced panic attacks following past disconnects, and you were alone in those.
Oct 11, 2023: “while I lived with (F) I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts and running away attempts, never known to him because of this criticism that… I didn’t think about him and cook him dinner… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home I was expected to come had conversation with him (all things I felt were a wife’s place not mine as a 17 year old girl”.
Nov 8, 2023: “His misplaced trust or expectations of me were those that he expected and never received from my mother… My mom broke his trust in many ways, and it was as if he treated my teenage years of sneaking out to parties I wasn’t allowed to go to, as if I had cheated on him in marriage… he didn’t want me around boys without parents at age 16… He also treated me like I was a (very bluntly put) like I was a slut like my mom… Before leaving to school from ages 13-18, my outfits would get checked… My dad would edit any outfit… he told me I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans without a shirt that covered my butt… that is when I started changing at school… At age 13 taking away the innocence of my clothing.. sexualizing me and telling me how boys would think…
“I was 11 years old, my friends were playing outside… Before I made it outside to play, my dad stopped me and said the shorts were inappropriate and I needed to change to longer ones that reached my knees! I was so embarrassed… I was so embarrassed I decided not to go out and play anymore. This is my first memory of having suicidal thoughts... I went to the kitchen, got a knife from the drawer and went back to my room and held it to my bare chest, I remember wanting to end it right there”-
– early on, your empathy was with F for having been repeatedly cheated on by your mother. You definitely didn’t want to be like your mother in the way she had hurt your father. But what happened was that about the time you started to physically develop into a woman (still a girl), he projected your cheating mother into you and treated you accordingly. By projecting a cheating woman into his 13 year-old daughter, he created a huge disconnect within you, a disconnect from your own self. For how can you be you when he placed the image of another person (your mother) into the mental space that you need to occupy.. so to be you?
Your painful high school experience of being shunned and isolated added to your core experience of acute and prolonged childhood/ adolescent lack of needed connection aka loneliness.
There’s a lot more healing that can take place in regard to this core experience, and it’s an exciting prospect, in my mind. How do you feel about it?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tommy: You are welcome. Sincerely, it makes my day better when I read from you on the forums!
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
The only way for me to have the safe, gentle mother I wish I had, is to be a safe, gentle mother to others.
Be to others that which I didn’t have, never will have. There are too many people in need for what I need.
Be there for others: gentle, supportive, dependable, resilient.. kind.
anita
March 12, 2024 at 11:03 am in reply to: Feeling like hitting rock-bottom after losing everything #428613anitaParticipantDear Aryan:
“I am looking for new people who can give me new perspectives to live, and honestly a freshness of connection beyond my existing friend circle“-
– “a freshness of connection“, what an original, refreshing expression. Connections with people can be indeed fresh, flowing, vibrant, or they can be stale, stagnant, dull. The first kind inspires you to grow, the second keeps you dull, stuck.
Of which kind is your connection with your parents (the most important people when it comes to who you are today)?
anita
March 12, 2024 at 10:09 am in reply to: Feeling like hitting rock-bottom after losing everything #428611anitaParticipantDear Aryan:
“I do not feel the same, in fact the opposite, I feel scared to be alone now. However, since the breakup everything seems extra lonely“- I think I get it: for a short while you were on an Emotional High, that of feeling excited about going to college, having new friends and the cherry on top: having a girlfriend!
Now, you are feeling worse than before going to college because of the long Fall from the recent High, “hitting rock-bottom“, like you said.
“I never have had stability in life“- this is a source of anxiety, never having had stability in your life. I wonder if by this, you mean that you moved a lot, if your parents are divorced or they fought a lot. You don’t have to share about this, of course, but you can if you want to.
You wrote that you are looking for new friends, people who are: “ambitious and goal oriented or at least in places that will be beneficial and social for me“- people who will benefit you in what ways.. (again, I wonder)..
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 