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March 4, 2024 at 8:56 am in reply to: Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad #428355
anitaParticipantDear alette:
I hope you are still feeling better this Monday, good to read from you again!
(I am slightly editing grammar in the quotes because it helps me understand the content better as I read and re-read): “I feel like he is giving me mixed (messages) that I don’t know how to interpret them… Help me Anita in interpreting” (March 3, 2024)-
– I re-read and studied all your posts since Feb 10 of this year:
In Jan this year, following a 2-year relationship that you described as perfect, with a man who’s been consistently straightforward, and following no disagreement of any kind, out of the blue, he told you that he “is not feeling the same way anymore… it (is) nothing, his feelings are just not the same… he needs some space to navigate through his feelings… there is no way to save our relationship“.
He did not want to explain anything more, and avoided a conversation with you: “He doesn’t want to explain anything… I prepared for the meeting, but he postponed… When I want a conversation with him he avoids me“.
He then called you when you were at work, asking if you were home (He knew I was working (when he called) to ask me if I was at home“). The next day, he called you “at a weird time, in the middle of the night, which he never did (before)“.
During the relationship, he used to offer you chocolate bars as a romantic- loving gesture. Recently, following the breakup, having packed (some, not all of) your stuff so to return them to you, he added chocolate bars to the package. He then brought the package to your house on Sat, I believe (March 2), and told you that he has been missing you, and that he will miss you, and he didn’t ask for his stuff, not even for the key that you have to his place.
Best I can interpret all the above, is that maybe he is on drugs that interfere with his cognitive function (not being able to have a conversation of any depth with you, forgetting your work/ home schedule, not noticing that it was the middle of the night that he called you, packing and returning to you some, but not all of your stuff, forgetting to ask for his stuff and for your key to his place), and with his emotions, making him numb (no longer feeling love). Maybe most recently, there’s some change in his drug use, and he got some feeling back (placing the chocolate bars in the package for you), and maybe he had some interest- on Saturday- to get back together with you.
But it’s Monday now, and .. he may be back to being numb, inattentive, forgetful, etc.
Or maybe he is suffering from a brain abnormality that is responsible for abruptly changing a consistently attentive, loving, straightforward man into.. a man who is none of those things.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Ann: the last time the OP posted on the forums was in May 2019. I hope she replies to you. If you’d like to share about your situation, you are welcome to do so, and I will reply.
anita
March 3, 2024 at 6:55 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #428338anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I read your journal entry twice. My summary: in on-weeks you are in a state of motion/ flow, confident about your decision to call it quits with N. In off-weeks, you are not confident about the decision, and you feel comforted by thoughts of a (conditional) reunion with N. In the past, pre-surgery, intense exercise put you in the on/ in-motion state of mind and you are craving it (this state of mind).
Looking (again) at the title of your thread, looks like gut is synonymous to your confident, in-motion state of mind, and fear is synonymous with your off/ stagnant state of mind. The guts is fine with not having N in your life, fear wants him back.
Thank you for the P.S. My weekend had both on and off parts, right now, it’s on. Good night, Seaturtle!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Reader:
In childhood, anxiety grew based on a combination of (1) the coyote/ predator in my life was my mother, a person I loved and was depended on, a person whose love (and care) I kept pursuing, (2) it was not a single occurrence of emotional predation, but a recurring one over many years; overall, being I was stuck living with a predator, nowhere, no way to run away (Flight), and no chance to win a Fight, (3) being alone facing the predator, no one with me, no one together with me facing the predator, (4) feeling/ believing that I was the bad guy, that I was very faulty and very guilty for making her so miserable, that she “had” to attack me; seeing her as my victim, and myself as her victimizer.
More, tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Reader:
Fear in my childhood accumulated and turned into severe anxiety, and by severe, I mean, I got caught in OCD and Tourette’s Syndrome from an early age, sometime in the middle of my first decade of life. By my mid-thirties, I managed to resist the OCD compulsions and I no longer fit the OCD diagnosis. That’s Healing. There are other mental health diagnoses that I received but no longer fit (Healing there!).. but the anxiety and the tics persist. No Healing in this category, and every tic is associated with anxiety. These tics (vocal, sounds of loud breathing, shoulder/ face twitching) are my anxiety physically vibrating through my body, twitching it. Every day.
I want Healing in this area of anxiety vibrating through my body (right shoulder is hurting right now, from twitching it), and I will work on it in this thread.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Reader:
Because I was reminded of the coyote incident yesterday, I talked about it with someone last evening (irl), someone who grew up on an Indian reservation, close to nature, and who was himself the intended prey of a pack of wolves. He said that (1) sounds like the coyote I encountered, by its looks (having blue eyes and grey/ white fur colors) was a mix of coyote and Siberian husky (coydog). Or that it could have been a wild Siberian husky. Indeed, looking at images of Siberian huskies online, these images look very similar to the animal I encountered, and still, scary to imagine an encounter with this animal.
(2) He said that it is unlikely that there were coyotes from a pack hiding in the brush, observing the encounter, because if they were there, they’d make their characteristic sounds, howls or yips. He said that the coydog who confronted me was probably a maverick, an independent, one who is not part of a pack.
(3) He said that indeed coyotes (unlike wolves who attack from the back of the intended prey) confront their prey from the front (like it happened in my case), and that the way for a person to react when attacked by a coyote (or a coydog, or a dog) would be to cover one’s neck with one arm and insert the hand of the other arm into the coyote’s mouth, grabbing its tongue. I asked: wouldn’t its tongue be slippery? And the man said, No, it’d be like sand paper.
Back to the 2021 incident: facing the coyote (or coydog) who was focused on me and looking at me up and down, the ditch to my right was in the periphery of my sight. I wanted a stick to hold and use to protect myself. (I live in a wooded area and there are lots of sticks lying in the ditches on the sides of private roads, many are thick and strong). I knew that it wasn’t a good idea to lower my height by stepping down into a ditch, but I felt that I needed to do it anyway, so to get a weapon/ stick. I remember allowing myself to look away from the coyote and direct my eyes to the ditch, looking for a stick to grab, not having the coyote in my sight, and wondering if it was already approaching me for the hunt. It didn’t. I grabbed a stick or sticks, and I threw one at the coyote: it moved back a little but remained in its location, focused on me still. And then, a vehicle drove by and the coyote ran away. I remember feeling relief seeing the coyote running away along the road in front of me and then disappearing into the brush. I walked the rest of the way with a stick or sticks, afraid but confident enough to complete the walk.
The day after, I didn’t take my walk, but the day after that, I said to myself: I’ve been taking this walk every day for years, what happened the day before was a freak occurrence, what’s the chance that it will happen again? And so, I went on the same walk again, and at the same stretch of private road, I heard panting to my left, and there it was, the same coyote running to my left.
That’s the whole story: thing is, I don’t remember if the vehicle drove by and scared the coyote away on the first day or on the second, or in both days. Following the two encounters, and since, I carry bear spray with me on most of my walks (sometimes I carry a thick stick, but there were times I carried nothing with me).
Okay, that was my experience with Fear. Now, Anxiety is a different animal, so to speak: Afraid, I felt strong and capable; Anxious, I feel weak and helpless, Afraid, I had only a few thoughts and all of them were of a practical nature; Anxious I have many thoughts and not of a practical nature,
Afraid, I was not aware (not thinking of) my body and its sensations at all; Anxious I am too aware of my body, I focus on it (it’s called body vigilance), worrying about and getting alarmed when noticing pain or sensations that I am afraid will develop into pain,
Fear did not stop me from taking my daily walks; Anxiety stops me from doing lots of things, every day I continue (still) to procrastinate tasks that cause me anxiety, tasks that very much need to be done, Fear was followed by a practical, proactive solution (carrying bear spray); Anxiety was followed by helplessness/ paralysis.
* I will continue in the next post.
anita
March 3, 2024 at 8:50 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #428328anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Good to read that you arrived well!
“I am a little surprised by the levels of anxiety I’m experiencing. These days I’ve been very tense and I felt like I won’t be able to ‘make it’ ( as in to get a job, get things sorted ). It comes and goes“- enjoy the times it goes, and manage it when it comes back.
I think that your anxiety is about you feeling not grown up, at 30 (“Growing up- becoming adult” is in the title of this Feb 2024 thread), not like an adult, but like a boy, alone in a new country. Children are afraid to be all alone by themselves; they are afraid that they can’t take care of themselves, as in “to get a job, get things sorted“. They need .. a grown up to get a job and sort things for them.
Part of you will need to be the grown up that the other part of you needs. Robi the adult has a scared, anxious child with him all the time, a child that needs care.
I hope you had a nice walk and chat with your friend!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lisa:
“There is not much I can say right now. I would just be saying the same things I have said before“- say the same things you have said before in a different way, and I will respond in a different, more empathetic, understanding way than before!
anita
March 2, 2024 at 8:58 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #428318anitaParticipantDear Bee’s Knees Seaturtle:
“With my retroactive awareness I wondered if… my third eye and crown will have more time to communicate about it first“- yes, more time for the third eye and crown chakras (the adults in the room, so to speak) to communicate if the sacral and heart chakras (the children in the room) cooperate and do not disrupt the communication between the adults. This means that the adults need to (empathetically, yet authoritatively) discipline the children.
“We’re bot the bees’ knees!“- to read this coming from a Gen Z Sea turtle makes my day!!!
“Yesterday I went to a brewery with my roommate and as I looked over the cider menu there was one called ‘the bees knees’!! Can you believe that haha after I told you it was losing relevance…. I ordered the cider just because of the name and so I could tell you!“- H i L a R i O u s!
Happy Saturday to you too..!
anita
anitaParticipantRe-submitting:
Dear IMBACK
“I had a thought today… I started questioning If I even loved her“- what I boldfaced is the recurring, intrusive, obsessive thought.
Wikipedia/ relationship obsessive compulsive behavior (ROCD): “People may continuously doubt whether they love their partner… haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship…
“ROCD is a form of OCD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are considered the Gold Standard psychological treatments for OCD. According to CBT models, we all have unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images and urges. Individuals with OCD interpret these intrusive experiences as meaning something bad about their character (crazy or bad) or about the future (a catastrophe is going to occur)… Such interpretations increase attention to unwanted intrusive experiences, making them more distressing and increasing their frequency…”.
Do you relate to this quote, and if so, do you feel that if you lost the loving feeling for her, it would make you “crazy or bad” (from the quote above), or that some catastrophe will happen?
“So I had a thought today, that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel like I have to love her and be over the moon with her every single minute of the day”-
– and if you don’t love her over the moon, every single minute of the day, what’s the worst that can happen?
“Or could it be that I’m afraid of the future... Now we are getting close to her 18 years birthday and I’m about to meet her family in 2 weeks”- what are you afraid of, IMBACK?
anita
anitaParticipantDear IMBACK
“I had a thought today… I started questioning If I even loved her“- what I boldfaced is the recurring, intrusive, obsessive thought.
Wikipedia/ relationship obsessive compulsive behavior (ROCD): “People may continuously doubt whether they love their partner… haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship…<sup id=”cite_ref-Doron_2014_169–180_3-2″ class=”reference”></sup>
“ROCD is a form of OCD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy<sup id=”cite_ref-12″ class=”reference”></sup> (CBT) are considered the Gold Standard psychological treatments for OCD. <sup id=”cite_ref-13″ class=”reference”></sup>According to CBT models, we all have unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images and urges. <sup id=”cite_ref-14″ class=”reference”></sup>Individuals with OCD interpret these intrusive experiences as meaning something bad about their character (crazy or bad) or about the future (a catastrophe is going to occur)… Such interpretations increase attention to unwanted intrusive experiences, making them more distressing and increasing their frequency…”.<sup id=”cite_ref-16″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-18″ class=”reference”></sup>
Do you relate to this quote, and if so, do you feel that if you lost the loving feeling for her, it would make you “crazy or bad” (from the quote above), or that some catastrophe will happen?
“So I had a thought today, that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel like I have to love her and be over the moon with her every single minute of the day”-
– and if you don’t love her over the moon, every single minute of the day, what’s the worst that can happen?
“Or could it be that I’m afraid of the future... Now we are getting close to her 18 years birthday and I’m about to meet her family in 2 weeks”- what are you afraid of, IMBACK?
anita
anitaParticipantDear IMBACK:
You started your first post today with “I had a thought“. Are you familiar with obsessive thinking, as in the same thought repeating in your brain over and over again?
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a thought disorder that is fueled by ongoing anxiety. Are you familiar with this term?
anita
March 1, 2024 at 12:30 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #428303anitaParticipantDear Robi: It’s Friday, March 1, 9:30 pm in Spain, I hope you had a good flight and arrived safe to your New Beginning!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Sandy:
(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “My partner has a hot temperament and when he gets bothered by something, he will turn cold, withdraw and not want to communicate”-
– the temperature shifts of anger: from hot to cold, cold as angry as hot. You are Stuck in an extreme weather situation inside your home (assuming you are living with him), metaphorically, aren’t you?
“I’ve always felt like I was walking on eggshells because he felt like a time bomb“- Stuck in a war zone.
“I always try to encourage him to talk and I ask what upset him, I often find myself apologizing“- you are trying to defuse the bomb (to bring him to moderate temperatures) by encouraging him to express himself with words, and by apologizing to him.
“(I) can’t remember a time when he apologized to me“- he doesn’t mind being in the wrong, when he is in the wrong, and he doesn’t have a bomb in front of him to defuse… so no apologizing. Or he’s afraid that if he apologizes, he will lose a sense of power in the relationship.
“So essentially he’s a wall I cannot get through to, no matter how calm I am, how much I offer to listen, how available I try to make myself to talking about the problem“- an angry wall, an easily angered wall who doesn’t want to talk about his anger. I imagine that in his mind, neither him nor his anger is the problem. In his mind, are you the problem?
“Going through the silent treatment has broken me down“- his treatment of you = breaking you down, the war metaphor seems fitting.
“Each time we are in it, all I feel is anxiety, fear, hopelessness, abandonment. Over time it’s broken down my trust in him and the relationship, it’s damaged my sense of self worth and confidence“- the consequences of war, and of being alone in it, alone against the enemy.
“And it’s made me feel like I don’t have a voice. I’ve forgotten how to express my feelings because he hasn’t allowed me to feel like I have a space to feel whatever set of emotions I’m feeling”- shoved against an angry wall, you have no space to breathe, to feel anything but that anxiety, fear, hopelessness…
“Regardless of how wrong and damaging the silent treatment is or refusing to sit down and communicate the problems a couple is facing, I cannot help but constantly feel at fault. I feel like all he sees are my reactions to situations but doesn’t see or acknowledge how I got there“-
– in his mind, you are the one at fault. I imagine that when you express distress and anger at him for being the angry wall that he is, he points to your natural, normal reactions to his actions as proof of your alleged faultiness.
“That has been a reoccurring struggle for me because I acknowledge I am sensitive towards certain topics, I acknowledge I might show sensitivity towards other people in his life, yet I cannot help it“- you acknowledge that you are human. You can’t help being human.
“Being given the silent treatment while simultaneously watching your partner treat other people with kindness and respect beats you down“- you didn’t mention it, but I assume still that you are living with him, and the other people are visiting, or you and your partner visit them. You get a Wall, they get a Door…?
“I continually try to filter and sugar coat what I want to say to the point where I feel defeated and I feel like no matter what I say, how I say it, will never be received in a positive or supportive manner… he will see the worst version or intention“- he sees you as the enemy, the one with bad intentions. No matter how much sugar you mix into your words, he tastes, or claims to taste bitterness…?
“I do not want to be quiet, I want to have a healthy, balanced conversation, I want to be able to go to my partner and tell him how I’m feeling without feeling anxious about his reaction or the consequences. I’m just stuck, I don’t know how to reclaim my voice here“- start perhaps with substituting the word partner with.. enemy? Because this is war, isn’t it?
“Has anyone been in a similar situation? Your thoughts and advice would be helpful.“-
– Yes, I grew up (or grew in, more accurately) with a person like your partner.. or enemy, more accurately: my mother. Like you, I was Stuck (with her). She was hot tempered and she gave me the cold, silent treatments. She was a time bomb, and I too felt like I was walking on eggshells, stuck in a war zone. I too tried and failed to defuse the time bomb but she was a wall and none of my efforts got through to her in any way that was positive…
Except for one effort that did get through to her and positively pleased her: when she hit me and called me names, etc., she said this one time that I remember, she said: the only thing I like about you is that when (I hit you, shame you), you say nothing back, you look down at the floor, quietly. My quiet submission to her aggression pleased her. For a while. Until the next time.
Like you, I suffered the consequences of a prolonged war (a war in which I was alone facing the enemy): anxiety, fear, hopelessness, abandonment… broken down.. trust… damaged.. sense of self worth and confidence: broken down, didn’t grow up or outward, I grew in with a minimal sense of self.
Like you, I lost my voice, don’t remember ever having a voice. I was angry a lot, inside.. and when she saw my anger, my silent anger in my eyes.. seems like she was bewildered, as in not seeing at all that my anger was a natural reaction to her actions against me. She thought that my anger was proof that I was the faulty girl she thought I was to begin with, and she told me so. I believed her.
Like in your case, my enemy treated other people/ visitors, with kindness and respect.
No matter how much I tried to sugar coat my words as I tried to reach her, to reach her with my honesty and in some depth, she cried: BITTER. She repeatedly claimed that there were bad intentions behind my words, (re) actions, etc.
In the dynamics between my mother and I, her primary motivation was Power Over (me). My primary motivation was Positive, Honest Communication (Love). There was a lack of compatibility there, not wanting the same thing.
My advice: leave the war zone and attend quality psychotherapy.. and post again, if you would like. It may help to talk further..?
anita
March 1, 2024 at 9:07 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #428297anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I was thinking, if the amount of my responses is too much, you don’t have to respond to all that I submit. You can respond to some, and if you want to consider responding to more, you can copy parts of my responses for later, for some other time.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 