Dear Seaturtle:

“I could see myself thinking they are stronger than I am, or maybe know themselves better“- A point toward Seaturtle’s humility, zero toward Seaturtle being a narcissist.. lol (funny.. or not?)

“Yea I can see how this would have developed in me, with my dad’s huge need to show his superiority over me and my siblings… My dads voice is still in my head, saying… that I am weaker than others“- so sometimes you counter his voice by saying the opposite, that you are superior to others.

“I have a random question. There was a time when N and I had a real pregnancy scare..  a few weeks before you and I began talking here, back in September 2023. For about a week we thought I was pregnant, his initial reaction was what I wanted to do, which I did appreciate, he was expecting me to choose to not go through with it… I have been getting trapped in these thoughts the past few days, would starting a family have made him the man I needed?  Someone who could see me? would it make him softer like I wanted him to be?“- this is a mistake many women make, thinking that having a child will lead to improvement in the relationship with their child’s father, a change in the man. I think that statistically, judging by separation and divorce numbers alone, it has proven to be a romantic, delusional idea. So, no, I feel quite certain that N would not have become the man you needed, he wouldn’t have seen you and he wouldn’t have become softer if you had a child (or children) with him. Instead, he would have become harder and blinder, being overwhelmed to be a father.

“When I see deeply, I mean he has empathy for people IF he understands them. His friend, D, had a troubled past… However it didn’t feel like he treated me the same way, When I tried to express certain ways my dad spoke to me that affected me still and lead to triggers, he just gave me like a blank stare… he looked at me like I was giving excuses…“- my mother had empathy, so it seemed, to hungry cats in the neighborhood, and to me when I was physically sick with the flu, let’s say, and when she thought I was hungry. But she had no empathy for me during hours-long sessions where she shamed and guilt tripped me, etc. That’s empathy that is very limited to certain circumstances, and to certain people/ animals. Overall, my mother was a very good person where cats were concerned, so I understand cats seeking her company. But I shouldn’t.

Similarly, N may be a very good friend to D, so it would make sense for D to continue to be friends with N. But you shouldn’t.

“If something hurt his feelings, he put it in a box. Then he would be all passive aggressive… and he would just say ‘no you didn’t do anything I am not passive aggressive I was just asking a question/ just kidding/ I didn’t say that?…’“- ongoing people pleasing involves emotional dishonesty. He puts his anger in a box and the box leaks.. passive aggressively.

“If someone gave him a sort of ultimatum, he would not do it out of his own stubborn-ness. Maybe he just swings between the two, when he has energy he is people pleaser and when he is annoyed or tired he switches to not caring at all… “- unlike characters in cartoons and in many works of fiction, in real-life, people are not as consistent as in being one way or the other way at all times. Instead, many people stretch themselves too far in one way (ex., passive, people pleasing), stress builds and becomes too much, so they overcompensate, going the other way (ex., aggressive) . And repeat.

“I feel like being seen as equal would have been enough for me, but he did not treat my feelings with the care I treated his. When he told me it made him smile when I made his bed, that made me continue to do it… Whereas when I told him it made me feel special when he said I looked pretty, he couldn’t bring himself to say it“- this is part of the learning, within a relationship, for the purpose of deciding if it’s a good idea to continue the relationship. You wrote in your original post that N is a standup guy, no question– well, he may be a standup friend to D and a standup law abiding, tax paying citizen, but not a standup guy in the relationship with you.

“His mom absorbs all the sympathy she can get, which I can see being a vacuum for emotions in a room, N feeling like there was no space to express his. This makes me feel like I could have made it work with N, helping him express his feelings, something I have no trouble doing“- a term synonymous to the years of childhood is Formative Years, meaning that a person is formed, physically, emotionally, mentally, during those years. By the time you met N, he was already formed with his reactions to his mother’s misbehaviors being part of who he is. You can’t go back in time and undo his old reactions. You’re too late.

Adults can heal, to one extent or another, if they are able, and if they are greatly motivated, and if (we) do what it takes, and persist.. proactively.

“This breakup is so difficult. I feel like I am being tossed around, one day I feel no regrets and proud of my decisions. The next day I wake up feeling guilty that I gave up too quickly and demanded too much of him…“- you demanded too much from him as a boyfriend/ lifetime partner, but you didn’t demand too much for yourself when it comes to a boyfriend/ lifetime partner. See the difference?

anita

Dear Kshiti:

You are very welcome! I am glad the NPARR strategy worked for you.

“Regarding radical acceptance, I don’t know why but it makes me feel anxious to think about the idea of acceptance. Most of the times when I think about accepting things and letting them go, my anxiety grapples me back and it becomes more difficult. Any suggestions?“-

– when you think about accepting negative circumstances that you can’t change/ can’t control (current or future), it scares you because of the feeling of having no control.. right?

If this is what it is about, the only suggestion I have is to focus in your every day life on what you can control, and practice your control. The more you practice control over your circumstances/ life, the less afraid you will be of having no control over what you can’t control.  I remember a couple of years ago, I was folding laundry and felt anxious because my mother folded clothes perfectly, and I didn’t. It then occurred to me: wait a minute, I can fold my clothes any way I want to. I don’t have to fold clothes my mother’s way! And I have been okay with how I fold clothes ever since.

In your life, Kshiti, find opportunities- be as small as the one I just described- to choose your own ways of doing things and be okay with your chosen ways. This is a beginning of exercising control over your life and feeling okay about it.

anita

Dear Robi:

Congratulations for setting an interview for the 4th, 3 days after you are scheduled to arrive to Alicante!

“How are you doing these days?“- feeling good enough to sing to the Beatles’, with a smile: “What would you think if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song And I’ll try not to sing out of key”.

Don’t get discouraged, Robi, when you sing out of tune (literally and figuratively) during your New Beginning. Allow yourself to be the imperfect human specimen that we all are, and gently correct yourself when you.. sing out of tune. Apply gentleness and self discipline to your new Start, New Beginning.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I read the exchange… for crying out loud, Totally Un-cool… he wouldn’t give you your stuff. Will re-read in the morning and reply further then.

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

I am glad that you located my previous post that included the RSD information (when I submitted my post for you two hours ago, I assumed that you read the previous but ignored it).

I don’t know if you noticed my recent post, the one I submitted a couple of hours ago (it starts with: “Dear Worldofthewaterwheels: A soldier as you mean it:…”).

I will get back ton your thread Fri morning (it is Thurs almost noon here) and reply further to your most recent post and to anything you may add to it before I return to you).

anita

Dear Sushmita:

You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and loving sentiment! So good to read your positive update, and I hope that others reading your words will be encouraged by your uplifting message. Thank you for caring about others and being so kind to me!

Anytime you feel like it (feeling positive or not), do post again.

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

A soldier as you mean it: “someone who feels like they are in a battle, trying to communicate, trying to get by, trying to stay strong, There is really no choice if you want to survive in the world as it is… to stay tough and fight an enemy“- the World is the Enemy. An enemy is not to be trusted. An enemy is to be survived, not to get close to.

More about being a soldier from your earlier posts: “I’m worried about my survival….being..  bullied and targeted… for no real reason… I’m an attractive polite and kind woman who has had a lot of bad things happen to her, I didn’t complain…Guys seem rude and aggressive… .what it is that sets it off? being nice? saying hi? Because I don’t understand it… I’ve often looked in the mirror and wondered…do I have a dumb expression? is it the shape of my face somehow? my body?… I’ve managed to survive this far, mainly by finding the strength in myself…no drugs, no therapy.. just hanging in there“- an Enemy that bullies and targets the innocent, an enemy that needs to be survived.

The results of the battle, from your most recent post: “The symptoms I feel of my life, are in the end, physical.. exhaustion, tension and stress in my body“- War is draining, exhausting.

“Trying to navigate social communications is like a minefield to me“, you wrote yesterday. Pervasive, persistent and enduring distrust in people is akin to living on a minefield, to being at war: being hypervigilant to verbal attacks by others,  being inclined to misinterpret benign remarks by others as hurtful or threatening, being suspicious of others’ motives, believing they’re trying to hurt your feelings when they aren’t, etc. This makes intimate relationships and close friendships impossible, and it makes workplace relationships difficult.

“It would be nice to believe other people go through this but I know, it’s not the case for a lot of people and they are just chemically/behaviourly different than I am. There are people out there who do not get depressed like this and don’t understand it… I notice when I hang out with some other people that they have light minds… there may be some sad stuff or difficult stuff, but they are not weighed down, brush it off quicker and move on… I just wonder why everything feels so difficult for me when other people are much lighter“-

– I think that other people are lighter and more resilient than you (brush it off quicker, etc.) because there is someone in their lives that they trust. For humans, as for other social animals (dog, coyote, wolf, etc.), trust in others (not in all others, but in some others) makes positive, trusting social interactions possible. It is the positive, trusting social interactions with others that keep us lighter and more resilient in the face of difficulties.

Alone for too long, the social animal’s neuro-chemistry really changes and the animal becomes sick. A dog that’s left alone for too long becomes anxious, depressed, lethargic and aggressive.  A dog that has plenty of social interactions wags his tail, is affectionate.. lighter. A social animal is not meant to be alone; you are not meant to be alone.

You physically survived your abusive childhood, but your trust in other people was lost along the way, and mistrust took over. Most likely, one group of your negative adult-life experiences with other people was the result of their wrongdoings; a second group was the result of your misinterpretation of others’ expressions, words an actions, and the third group was the result of your expressed mistrust in others turning them off to you, leading them to reject you.

Healing as much as is possible for you, I believe, will take identifying these 3 groups in your life, past and present.

anita

Resubmitted (hoping to clear the excess print):

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes in this post): “A study in loneliness and rejection... Lately I feel everything is a rejection… I feel totally rejected by society…  if I really go for something I want.. I get rejected even harder by others, things get even more crazy. It feels like the world is against me. I’m old enough that I don’t even cry anymore, its internalized…I’m so sensitive and reactive to things… I want to write about it and then I think ‘who would want to read that?‘… I write my own ideas down and disregard them, I somehow can’t formulate anything coherently or smoothly, even in art I was never satisfied with what I did because it just didn’t have the right effect. But not being able to turn left or right.. that fear of choice.. it’s mind-blowingly hard.. if I could figure that out maybe something would move forward?“-Rejected by society, rejected by self

Cleveland clinic. org: “Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when a person feels intense emotional pain related to rejection. The word ‘dysphoria’ comes from an ancient Greek word that describes a strong — if not overwhelming — feeling of pain or discomfort. Though RSD isn’t an officially recognized symptom or diagnosis, it’s still a term that experts use in connection with recognized conditions. While rejection is something people usually don’t like, the negative feelings that come with RSD are stronger and can be harder to manage or both. People with RSD are also more likely to interpret vague interactions as rejection and may find it difficult to control their reactions…