Dear Kshiti:

You wrote about the moment your scholarship application process was stopped: “I think my emotional state at that moment has left such imprints that they still affect me, making me ruminate over them even though my reality is different“.

The reality of your scholarship application changed, as it was processed and approved, but let’s look at what parts of your reality did not change (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “I had already faced some serious challenges in the past three years, including a chronic spine disease that kept me crippled for a year and resurfaced again in 2021, conflicts with family members especially my dad, a toxic relationship“-

– First, it saddens me that instead of your father having empathy and compassion for you for having a chronic spine disease- he’s been giving you difficult time on top of difficult time!

Second, I assume that your thoughts about your chronic spine disease and about your toxic relationship with your father included thoughts like “nothing ever gets better”, “there’s no point in looking for my wellbeing”, “I’m tired now”, and “this is so unfair”!

Third, your scholarship application was halted unexpectedly, and your previous thoughts resumed: “nothing ever gets better”, “there’s no point..”,  etc.

The Trauma behind your flashbacks is not the halting of your scholarship application, but what happened before.. and still. What you are suffering from now, seems to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the trauma being your father’s toxic misbehavior toward you, and the chronic spine condition.

What you need to do now, seems to me, is what is recommended for people suffering from PTSD. You can do an online research on the matter, if you’d like, and let me know of your thoughts..?

anita

Dear Robbie:

I spent a long, long time on a reply to your recent post earlier today, almost concluded a long post with quotes and all, like I normally do, and then lost it all after opening a new window. So, this reply will be different and way, way shorter than the one I lost: first, you are welcome and thank you for your kind words and love sentiment. I do hope, like you, that people will be reading your story will draw hope and help from it. You express yourself so well!

Thank you for the author/ book recommendation. I looked up quotes and particularly liked the ones I was able to process (having ADD myself), one about children doing way more reacting (to parents0 than acting; another about how ADD is about tunning out chronic pain experience in childhood because the developing nervous system cannot handle the ongoing (negative) stimulation, nor can the body tolerate the high levels of stress hormones secreted into then blood. It reads like, by the way, that if you, Robbie, suffer from ADD, it’s not as severe as in my case.

I was glad to read that you are still in a long-term relationship with your girlfriend, who reads like a lovely person! I hope that you land a job (in Poland or in Spain) fitting your needs for money/ financial independent, on one hand, and your need for freedom and flexibility, on the other hand.

In regard to your mother, I was thinking about what drives her in regard to how she’s been treating you as a child, and still. It seems to me that she feels guilty for hitting you, for threatening to send you to foster home, etc., (as she should), but her response to her guilty feelings is- unfortunately- not to acknowledge, sincerely apologize for her past behaviors, and correct those- but instead, to guilt-trip and threaten you further. In other words, her solution to her past wrongdoings against you is to .. add wrong on top of wrong… (nice work, mom… not!)

Am I correct in my understanding?

anita

Dear Kshiti1502: I am sorry about the delay in my response. I’ll be back to ytou soon.

anita

Dear James:

Welcome back to the forums!

You shared about your father back on Jan 10, 2018 (six years ago!): “My drug addicted father took my brother and I away from my sister and mother at the age of 4 years old. I didn’t see my mother and sister again until I was 8… I was told that my mother was the devil… When my family reunited, I.. was terrified of her.. Within a year of my mother reuniting, my dad completely fell off the wagon, and his addiction blown.. My childhood was filled with stress over my dad.. I’d worry sick about him dying. I’d sleep by the front door so I’d know the moment he was home. I was always happy to see him. I was never mad at him, I just acted like everything was perfect now that he was home”.

About yourself, you shared: “In adulthood, I realized I had major separation anxiety. If my partner and I would fight, and they’d leave, it felt like the world was ending… I myself have a temper… (I) react very poorly at times.. that always leaves me feeling very guilty…  I’m not very good at.. listening”.

About your partner at the time, you shared: “I’ve been in a very challenging relationship for the past 5 years with a man 15 years older than me. After much research, I believe my boyfriend has borderline personality disorder… My boyfriend and I moved in almost right away and we were inseparable. I was passionately in love with him and he was my entire world…. He.. can speak in a very aggressive way and he often makes me feel like a child… I’m just confused if I should continue or just give up….I love him very much and he does add value to my life. All my friends and family tell me to leave him, that I can do much better and that people never change. I don’t believe that.. people do change if they really want to, but how many chances should one give?”

4.5 years later, on July 20, 2022, you posted an update on the relationship above: “I got out of this relationship and it was and still is the best decision I have ever made. Things are so much clearer when you are outside of a situation… I love the fact that no one send ‘leave him’ because that really never works! Lol we don’t leave, not until we are ready to.”

1.5 year later, you posted again on this new thread: ” I always believed in him and hoped he’d get clean. As an adult I’ve struggled with severe abandonment issues and realized the damage that was caused from my childhood. I never threw it in his face and have always been respectful… I had a very hard conversation with him 1 month ago. I told him that I was scared he was going to die and that I couldn’t be around to watch it happen. I told him he has a whole family that loves him and I will do anything necessary for him to get treatment. I told him that he’s lied and manipulated too long. He denied using drugs and said he was sorry I was struggling. I told him I could not have a relationship with him. I mourned him. I cried harder and longer than I have in my life. After about a week I felt a lot of peace. Fast forward to today, he called me and told me he went into a 7 day detox center. My brother and I spoke earlier and the stories didn’t match up, so I told him I didn’t believe him. The conversation ended up blowing up. I yelled and he asked who I was“-

-Based on all that I read and quoted above, I am sure that I can answer his question (which I boldfaced) and wish that he didn’t need to ask it, that he too knew for sure who you are, and who you’ve been your whole life: you have always been the girl who loves her father more than anyone and anything. You did everything within your power to help him from the beginning of your life… that’s four decades of pure and unconditional love.

But a child’s love is too often dismissed by a parent, being not enough to be happy with, not  enough to find comfort in and rest in. Not enough to motivate the parent to change for his child’s sake, and his own. So, he, your father, kept seeking comfort in drugs, and in other people, while hurting and harming the one who loved him purely and unconditionally.

“I told him to not contact me. He hung up on me. I’ve never in life yelled or cussed at my dad. I’m angry. I’m sick of being lied to, but I’m disappointed that I lost control in that moment…I can’t accept the lies and manipulation. I feel lost and questioning if I’m wrong for blowing up.”-

– congratulations for finally yelling at the man who betrayed your love, and for so long; congratulations for finally blowing up at the man who deserves it, the man who hurt you more than any man, and probably more than any person has hurt you directly.

Back to your update of July 20, 2022, on the romantic relationship at the time: “I got out of this relationship and it was and still is the best decision I have ever made. Things are so much clearer when you are outside of a situation… I love the fact that no one send ‘leave him’ because that really never works! Lol we don’t leave, not until we are ready to.“-

– I will not tell you to leave or remain in no contact with your father, but I hope that you are ready to no longer have him in your life, and that no contact will soon lead to things being so much clearer in your mind and heart.

Back to what you wrote on Jan 11, 2018, in regard to your romantic relationship at the time:  ” I’m just confused if I should continue or just give up….I love him very much and he does add value to my life. All my friends and family tell me to leave him, that I can do much better and that people never change. I don’t believe that.. people do change if they really want to, but how many chances should one give?“-

– transferring this to your relationship with your father, I think that the value this man (your father) had in your life as a child was the HOPE for love and stability in your then turbulent, scary life. It was a precious hope that made it possible for you to survive and thrive (as much as you did thrive) as a child. Now, at 41, it’s time to give up on that hope.

Separate who your father is and has been from whom you desperately needed him to be. People often don’t change even if, from time to time, they want to change.

There is no more positive value to the hope that he will change and give you what you needed as a child because you are no longer a child, a child whose very survival (so the child feels/ believes, instinctually) depends on her parents being alive and well enough to take care of their dependent child.

May your hope be elsewhere, a new hope.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am disturbed as well (and been thinking a lot) about a new understanding that’s just emerging in my mind, and I’ll be spending time trying to figure it out this morning, best I can and reply later. But for now, regarding your last post (submitted Sun midnight, your time?)

“If I am the problem… N would have been the perfect partner if I was better”- not likely because (1) no one is perfect, (2) in a troubled relationship, most often it’s not that there the good person on one side and the bad person on the other, there’s good and bad behaviors on both sides.

I’ll be back to you later.

anita

Dear Kshiti1502:

It seems like the temporary halt in the processing of your application was one more difficulty than you could handle at the time, and it topped the amount of anxiety you were able to handle. Is it possible for you to see a counselor/ therapist, maybe within the university that you are attending?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I was confused recently, ever since you asked me, Feb 14 (four days ago), the following: “Do you think there is any possibility that N and I end up back together in a healthy relationship?“, and I gave you the wrong answer. I was confused because I didn’t process some information about you thoroughly, at the time. I re-read your earliest posts yesterday, studying them, and I am less confused today, therefore, amending my answer to: no, I don’t see any possibility that N and you end up back together in a healthy relationship.

The reason, you stated it yourself, in your most recent post, yesterday: “He just lacked an emotional maturity and depth that was never going to work for someone like me, who is so curious about the world and is fed by the depth it brings. He said it, he was exhausted by depth.. that right there could have been enough to end the relationship… I still don’t see a romantic future because he did not want to have the deep real conversations we needed to align ourselves and our future“- that’s it, the Reason, end of story.

“And yes, the weed is something I don’t want to compromise. I think it can be fun recreationally, but not nightly, especially since it only distanced him MORE from his real feelings. He had a false sense of feeling after he smoked, like when someone apologizes after they’ve been drinking and it just doesn’t mean much“- his daily use of weed serves to maintain the Reason, his false apologies etc.

“I want to grow, and if that relationship with him would keep be stunted then it would not be worth it. I am happier out of the relationship! and that should be the bottom line. I have left the emotional roller coaster, I truly have, I was on a huge one and I truly feel I have exited. I miss the highs of that roller coaster, but not the lows. I deserve a steadier roller coaster. I honestly did my best in that relationship, I was willing to own up to my faults, he was not (soberly anyways)“- perfectly said. I agree 100%

So, really, it’s end of story for me, in regard to the possibility of you resuming a relationship with him.

“I am going to start writing a book. I feel like I am at such an interesting time in my life where I am heading for great things“- heading for GREAT things (starting and publishing a book) is bringing me back to the topic of my confusion and yesterday’s study:

By 22 (before getting together with N), you had no long-term relationship experience, only 5 relationships that lasted about 3 months each. Your only long-term relationship was, as you said yesterday, an “emotional roller coaster” and one that you were conflicted about and wanted to end for close to half of its 2-years+  duration.

Re-reading your complaints about N in your 2 original posts, it’s clear that you required and demanded of him complete and ever present adoration, and when you didn’t get it, you were devastated. This factor would cause the failure of a healthy intimate relationship with ANY man.

You wanted him to get all your jokes and laugh.. otherwise, you felt lonely. You were jealous at his roommate, as I understand it, wanting to be the only beneficiary of N’s resources. N took it all because he was “easy going” (made possible by his daily,  heavy weed use), accommodating your cravings to be treated Special, best he could, allowing you to determine where and how you spent your date nights, taking you to fancy dinners, etc. His easy-goingness and efforts to accommodate you may be the reasons why the relationship lasted so much longer than the previous 3-months limit per relationship.

Here are a few quotes from what you shared in support of what I wrote right above:

“I do not feel physically confident IN the relationship (I know I’m adorable and sexy, but he does not make me feel it, he is silent and I don’t catch him staring at me or complimenting… My flirtation is lost on him and that is sooooooo hard for me… N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments, I feel so so lonely“- (1)  this is a very positive self-image/ confidence on your part, knowing that you are adorable and sexy. (2) you demanded his adoration and when he didn’t deliver it to your satisfaction, you were devasted, it was so very, very hard for you, you felt so very lonely.

“He is not afraid of commitment with me, he talks about kids, willing to be a stay-at-home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!!.. the pattern ends up me calling the shots a lot, our date nights depend on my mood, the music, most of the movies we watch, it’s all my comfortable preferences, when does this become selfish?“- you called the shots, he accommodated, or tried to.

“he has many friends I don’t necessarily like… his (still) roommate is not someone I typically would have spent a lot of time with for various reasons, I felt he takes from the energy more than he gives and I felt drained when he was around. I complained to my boyfriend about this more than I should have.. On ‘overly’ controlling my environment, I feel I can be selfish by simply not wanting certain people“- you wanted to be N’s one and only person.

“He often says ‘love is a choice’ and I get that and agree to an extent but I’m like ‘ok but what do you love about my personality? like me specifically apart from others… I am not sure he sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl who’s pretty, good awareness, and fun… he is always there for me, which is nice, but… I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME… I want him to tell me he loves me and that I’m beautiful… and I want to explode and just be like ‘DO YOU SEE ME“-

– ME, ME…

“I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life…  one day he will come out and say “we only ever do what you want and I’m sick of it… Above I mentioned a fear of being/becoming a narcissist”-

Mayo clinic: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them. Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy….  it often begins in the teens or early adulthood..

“Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can: * Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration. * Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment. *Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. * Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. * Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. * Believe they are superior to others..”.

What do you think, and how do you feel about this?

anita

Dear swimming Seaturtle:

I read just a few words from your recent post, and will read all and reply Sun morning, but for now, in regard to “I know a better partner is out there for me”, I have no doubt (it’s my gut/ intuition talking) that you should let N go, and move beyond him, be back to you in the morning.

anita