Dear Robbie:

I didn’t yet read much from your first thread, and will tomorrow morning. But I had a few thoughts earlier today about your nostalgia, about you being in location A (ex., Poland) and seeing the grass as greener in location B (Spain). You go to B and miss A. You then arrange to go back to A, and already regret it before even leaving B.

In June 8, 2018, you shared that about school, “I just wanted time to pass“. About waiting for your parents at their workplace: “I was basically waiting. idling. (well… I’m not so surprised not that much changed now)“- lots of waiting, putting your life on hold until time and circumstance are favorable to really live.

Seems like you have been looking for the right time, the right place, the right circumstance to .. sort of catch up with life, to close the waiting/ idling gap.

What you missed growing up while waiting and idling.. what I missed growing up anxious and depressed, I cannot get back no matter the time, place and circumstance, because I can never again be a real-life child with the hopes and dreams only children have; the glorious, magical kind of make-believe ideas children experience.

It may be, Robi, that you are attached to those glorious, magical kind of make-believe life children believe in, because this part was put on hold while you waited, idling, as a child and teenager. It may be that the green on the other side (another location in the world, another time, another circumstance) can never be the green you had in mind while waiting and waiting. Not in location A, or B, or C.

Back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear Alex:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation!

This is my 3rd reply to you. I think that you missed my 1st, where I summarized what you shared in your original post and offered you my thoughts about what you asked.  I am copying and pasting it here:

Dear Alex: You shared that 7 months ago, when you (47), first met your girlfriend (52), she asked you: is sex important to you? You answered: yes, what about you?, and she answered: “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore“. After spending a lot of time together for about 4.5 months, you moved in together. During your 2.5 months of living together, when you have sex, “it is truly outstanding“, and she “seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married“. But  “she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had, and her sex drive is not the same anymore, so she doesn’t care“. You have let her know that you “find it disrespectful and hurtful” that she talks about her past sex life, yet she keeps talking about it, which leads to “a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments“.

“I am confused… why does she keep bringing it up?… or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a ‘great sex’ partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people“-

– first, indeed it is hurtful and disrespectful for a romantic partner to talk about their .. allegedly glowing past sex-life with past partners, and after you told her, and repeatedly, that you feel hurt and disrespected by it. I would say that at this point, it is emotionally abusive on her part.

Why does she keep bringing it up? Possibly, she is disturbed by her aging, getting close to menopause, feeling less attractive, and she proceeds to brag about her past sex life, so to over compensating for her lowered sexual confidence. Maybe she is afraid that you will eventually reject her because she is getting older, so she’s trying to lower your sexual confidence, so to prevent you from leaving her. Maybe she is a very impulsive person who can’t control the content of her talk.

Did you ask her why she is doing this (I imagine you did), what did she say in response?

“How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?“- you value her, but she needs to value your mental health. If she doesn’t.. you are in a bad relationship.   (end of first reply).

In your most recent post, you brought up your male ego (“Maybe my ego is bigger than normal. Maybe I’m the one that needs help“), but there is a much bigger problem than how your male ego feels about living with a women with an extensive sexual past. The much bigger problem is that she’s been telling you about her sexual past again, and again, after you told her that it hurts you and that you feel disrespected when she does.

“It’s the disrespect and deliberate attempt to hurt me that I can’t get past“- you are living with a woman who deliberately attempts to hurt you, deliberately and repeatedly. Are you aware of the gravity of the bigger problem, which you stated in this sentence?

Earlier you wrote: ” maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“- sadism… meaning you believe that she derives pleasure from seeing you hurt when she tells you about how wonderful sex was for her with other men?

anita

Dear Alex:

You might not have noticed (double posting), but I submitted a reply for you a few minutes before you submitted your 2nd post. If you didn’t notice it, you are welcome to read it.

Having read your 2nd post, indeed no wonder she talks about her sex life with previous partners- that has been her personal and work life in the pornographic industry for 20 years!

Not that she should. It is harmful to you. “I would never introduce any information into her headspace that would trouble her or make her anxious“- and neither should she.

“Was there a need for me to know all these details about how many guys and how much sex and the quality of sex she’s had when I was very clear about boundaries and that this makes me uncomfortable?… I worry that she won’t stop talking about her past because maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“-

– living with a woman you suspect to have “some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“, while wanting to stay with her forever, or for a long time (“We want to stay together forever or a long time and maybe even get married“), how does it feel?

“This is an outlier as a person at least for someone like me who has been married twice so I’ve had very few partners in life”– maybe the outlier-in-her attracts the .. hidden outlier-in-you?

(We all have a hidden outlier within us, don’t we?)

anita

Dear Robi: I started my reply to you a few hours ago, then took a break and will continue later. It’s taking me more time than usual because I am reading that long post of long ago (in the other thread).

anita

Dear Nichole:

* I just re-read my last post to you, from May 8: I wrote: “Treat yourself. Always.”, I meant: Treat yourself kindly. Always.”

And now, to your today’s post: “Still holding up on the boundaries“- good thing, that’s being kind to yourself.

“My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But… my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it… I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head“-

– I went back to your 2018 thread where you shared about your older brother (I’ll refer to him here as OB) to get a better sense of him in relation to you. Today, you wrote about OB: “(He) says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes“. On Dec 7, 2018, you wrote about yourself: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes“. This is an important distinction: OB has to little empathy, you have too much of it. (It is not surprising to me because siblings in dysfunctional families often do take opposite roles).

The next sentence you wrote back then, in the same post was: “I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame“. Connecting this to your current dilemma, I’d say that if your current contact with OB causes you any amount of self-hate, or self-shame then end the contact.

Still, in the same post, you shared in regard to OB: “ I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation… I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to ‘please’ him and his fiancé for the last 9 years… I am so fed up with abuse… when I stand up for myself with these people, my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not“- what this means to me is that OB was supposed to fully acknowledge what he did to you, and express sincere regret before (and if) you were to have any relationship with him after the abuse. Also, I can see here his history of manipulation. As well as your history of feeling empathy for him and trying to please him.

Six days later, on Dec 13, 2018, you shared: “I am still having trouble finding out where the love was or is… I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me. It such a hard reality to think I have been self hating and shaming for years. Its hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life…  It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self’. My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family… I am just afraid in life, I don’t want to continue on with same old patterns. I want to learn to love myself and make a life… there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring“- again, my points are: (1) there shouldn’t be a relationship between you and OB if he didn’t yet fully acknowledge his years-long abuse of you, and expressed sincere regret for what he has done to you, (2) if contact with him (before or after him fully acknowledging the abuse, etc.) causes you shame and self-hate, there should be no contact. I will add that you’ve been doing very well since you left Chicago and moved back to Florida on your own. Be careful with the “same old pattern.. codependency habits” you mentioned in the quote above.

“It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not” (12/7/2018) “I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life?.. Biblical quotes” (5/16/2024)-

Romans 12: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect… Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. <sup class=”versenum”> </sup>Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’<sup class=”versenum”> </sup>To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’<sup class=”versenum”> </sup>Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”-

– What the above.. Personal and World Peace Recipe means to me, when it comes to your personal search, as a Christian, for clarity about “what is ok and what is not… (what is) the right thing“, is that the right thing to do is (as the quote above says) “Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all“-

– Gracefully, give OB the opportunity to be honorable and fully acknowledge and repent for his years-long abuse of his sister by (1) bringing this up to him (in writing/ email, if it’s too difficult to do on the phone, or in-person), and (2) by not people-pleasing him before he fully acknowledged and repented. When you give him your empathetic time and kindness while he is not yet honorable (let’s say he made comments indirectly suggesting regret, but did not fully acknowledge and repented), he is less likely to be motivated to do what is honorable, and fully acknowledge and repent.

Gracefully confronting him with the truth, and not people-pleasing him, does not mean repaying evil for evil. It means to not be conformed to this world (this world of neglected honor), but be transformed by the renewal of your mind (the renewal of love and honor for yourself, and for OB- by giving him the opportunity to love and honor you and others).

Notice, it says Outdo one another in showing honor, outdo one another not in showing indiscriminate approval and affection, but in showing honor: civility, esteem, honesty, integrity, modesty, respect, and responsibility to all.

anita

Dear nycartist:

You are welcome and thank you for popping on here from time to time, good to read from you anytime. I am as well as I was on the first day I replied to you, March 9, 2019. It was a Saturday (I just checked).

“Overall I feel good in my skin. I always compliment her when we meet up, tell her that her outfit is great, or her hair looks nice, etc…  I give my compliments genuinely“- you are a genuine friend to her.

“She also makes little remarks about my appearance… comments about my hair saying it looks so crazy and unbrushed… my hips are so narrow and hers are definitely wider… we both have ‘unique faces that not every man would appreciate’…  I realize there are some insecurities on her part– she is indeed a frenemy, just as you stated in the title of your thread, inside quotation marks. One of her comments, paraphrased: you have an unattractive face. But the criticism  is hidden (not really) under we, as if her saying that she too has an unattractive face, neutralizes her saying that you do.

As far as her comments about your hair looking so crazy and unbrushed and your hips being narrow. By themselves, maybe she pointed to these as positives because she likes crazy and unbrushed hair, as well as narrow hips. But you probably know that she doesn’t because of her comments about other people’s hair and hips.

“… many very minor snarks, and it all cumulates in my mind, and sometimes I do get rubbed the wrong way and have a bit of a reaction. Then she tells me I am overly sensitive, because the individual thing I am reacting to is minor, but it’s been built up by many little remarks“- sometimes following her criticisms, you react, and her response: to criticize you further, not for your physical appearance this time, but for your personality (overly sensitive).

Why is she doing this, I ask myself: to unload/ express her anger, her aggression, bit by bit, a little here, a little there. It makes me think of a dog growling instead of barking; sometimes you react and say: you are growling at me! And she responds: you are oversensitive, I didn’t bark at you!

This is making me think about my first ever reply to you back on 3/9/2019. It was about another aggressor in your life, the barking kind. I wrote to you back then: “When a big bad wolf huffs and puffs and threatens to blow your house down… you don’t open the door to the wolf. You don’t try to talk sense to the wolf. You don’t wait for his apology”.

Well, she is not a big bad wolf threatening to blow your house down. She is.. only chipping away at it.

“Anita, have you ever read ‘The Four Agreements’? I am going back to it, because it has great tips about being impeccable with your word…  I feel like I can maybe apply this to my situation with my friend…  My question to myself is, do I want to stay close to someone who seems to see me as a competitor, and inferior to her?“- is the price you have to pay for the friendship part of her frenemy: to accept her .. little aggressions..?

I wonder if The Four Agreements has the answer (quotes): “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal.“,

“I will no longer allow anyone to manipulate my mind and control my life in the name of love.”,

Here’s a quote that’s almost meant for you personally, nyc-artist: “Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art.“- ethical anger (non-abusive anger) is part of us humans being beautiful (I am learning this these very days, for the first time in my life). Abusive anger is ugly. Anger that points to another as inferior for their physical looks (skin color, facial features, height, weight, body shape, hair color and texture, etc.) is abusive and ugly.

“I have learned over the years what is useful to share and what isn’t. The world is so ugly, I try to share the positive, because there’s enough ugly to go around…(only speaking with integrity and not speaking ill of others or of ourselves), and not taking things personally“- not speaking ill of others or of ourselves. I’ll do my best to keep this in mind, thank you, nycartist!

anita

* Please ignore the paragraph below my name (I always copy a member’s post, paste it into my reply post, respond to it and then delete it. I forgot to do the latter. Good night, Kshitij!

anita

Dear Kshitij:

It’s 8pm where you are at.. too late to go out for a walk. If you belonged to a gym, maybe you could have a swim in an indoor pool, to calm you down. At home, maybe you can take a hot shower or bath and listen to calming music.

anita