Dear Sarah Jane:

I didn’t know that tiny buddha existed at the time you posted here, back in 2014. I saw your (screen) name for the first time in a 2014 thread titled “suicide” by an original poster who deleted his account since, a thread that was reactivated today. I read your replies on that thread, and impressed by your selfless kindness and how hard you tried to help the OP, I clicked your screen name and found your 2014 threads, the last being this one that I am reactivating today. Reading your threads, I learned about your own severe health issues and chronic pain. How are you???

It will be a miracle if somehow you answer this inquiry of mine, yet… I hope for a miracle.

anita

Dear Alina:

“We had a same childhood trauma, I even was shocked how our parents are similar and the pain they gave us was the same. Like we grew up together in same family. I realized that this same trauma gave us same complexity: toxic shame. But I think I am more aware about myself than him because I had therapy before and I read more things about psychology, he had nothing to do in psychology, wasn’t interested at all. So, I understood how toxic shame affected our relationship from his side thanks to your comments. But I also discovered from my side: All this time after break up I was blaming myself for everything non-stop, In my mind I was aware about the situation and why it happened like that, but my feelings, my heart deeply inside there was a voice that told me that I deserve this pain, I deserve that someone I loved the most left me like I deserved that my parents were leaving me when I was a child and didn’t take care of me properly. I knew that it’s not logical, but there was just a feeling deep inside me. But after reading about this topic, I understood that this feelings comes because the toxic shame and I really understood that I need to practice more self-compassion and stop blaming myself for everything. Yes, I made some mistakes but the most important is that I admitted and apologized for them. I am conscious about myself, I try to understand things and this is a very precious point from my character, I am proud of myself that I have ability to analyze my situation and asking for help from everywhere, for knocking the doors, instead of drowning in negative thoughts”-

– what you wrote here is so meaningful, so insightful and intelligent that I copied it all. Wow!

“Also, I understood from my point is that I liked when someone put me on pedestal. For that time (the idealization period) I didn’t question that much about why did he idealize me, I was thinking that it was love, I wasn’t aware that its unhealthy to idealize someone in the beginning of the relationship. I was feeling that there is something wrong but I couldn’t analyze, I was just enjoying love-bombing, thinking that it was real love. So our childhood traumas gave us both this kinda ‘narcissistic” characteristics, we both liked flying in our fantasy, being something ‘upper’, ‘bigger’,  not living in the ground”-

– I can’t say anything better than how you said it (So, I am just copying, hoping that people read it and learn from what you expressed so well).

“With me it was different, I am more educated about mental health, I am more brave to change my job and place if I didn’t like the environment… I begged him for this, but still he didn’t even want to work on us. His emotions, his anger were so intense because of his complexity that he was ready to refuse me and my love. And I couldn’t help with that. So yes, I experienced so many emotions, learned things about relationships and discovered new things about myself, about my own complexities and character. I am young, I’m still growing up and all this pain that I went through is normal, I am doing good and I appreciate myself for making lessons from my experience (cuz most of people they don’t even try to understand)”-

– You are amazing, Alina!

“Yes, as you said I need to grieve now. I just need time for grieving and to stop trigger myself and torture myself. I just need to focus on myself and mental health, what I am doing now.“- yes, please do this. You do not deserve to suffer from toxic shame. The relationship didn’t and couldn’t work out because, like you stated and expressed here so well, you are educated about and interested in psychology and mental health, and he s not. You are brave enough to look into yourself and see what you referred to as your complexities.. and he does not have this unique kind of bravery.

“I would like to know more about you, like how old are you, what is your profession, where do you live? Also, what bring you to this forum, how did you decide to help people here? Do you have any writing works, if yes, where can I found them?… Also I would like to know about your values in life”-

– Like you, I am interested in psychology and mental health and have been interested since I was a teenager. I had my first quality psychotherapy in 2011-13 in a big city in the U.S., , and then moved to a rural area in a  different U.S. state. Here, I discovered tiny buddha forums in 2015, and its unique format has allowed me to continue to work on my mental health without attending professional therapy. It helps me to read other people’s stories, people from all over the world, and respond to them. I try to help others and myself at the same time. I have a bachelor degree but haven’t worked (for money) ever since I moved to this rural area.

I suffered from attention deficit disorder since a very early age. I am inattentive to details, I can’t remember, for example, the colors of the walls in the room where I sleep every night in the last 10 years. I can’t follow a lecture if it is not delivered in a very organized way with breaks that allow me to take notes. Nor can I follow the plot of a detective movie for example. I’d have to pause the movie and take notes if I want to follow the plot. I often get lost in real-life conversations. And although I love writing, I can’t write a short story, not to mention a novel.

And so, the only place I write is here, in these forums: it helps me to write when I respond to the original poster’s lines, line by line. It helps me to process the information here because I have all the time in the world to type, retype, read, re-read and edit. As far as my values: I value mental/ emotional health the most because I found out that the healthier I am, the better person I am to myself and to others. I value helping myself and others in the process of becoming better and better at no longer harming each other, but at helping each other.

anita

Dear Rebecca:

“Sorry but I can’t write it all out as its very likely that my parents might happen across this and recognise my writing.  I would like to, but I don’t want to be that open with them.“- I understand that your parents are familiar with the forums here, and you don’t want them to know that it is you posting here.

“By saying things were blurry, I mean my recollection of things isn’t as sharp right now and what’s bothering me most at the moment is someone who has been leaning on me for support and offloading and venting, despite me saying they needed to go to someone else…I was just starting to think positively and as it’s as if they trampled all over that by making me feel sorry for them and then once they had my attention blurting out all sorts of negative thoughts about others and society.   I hope I don’t do that. I realise I too now am blurting this out, but I felt exhausted by them. I don’t know what to do to shift the anger I feel“-

– (1) You are welcome to share here anything you want to share, as long as it doesn’t include any personal details that can identify you to people who know you personally and follow the forums,

(2) The anger you feel is at a person who filled your mind with negative thoughts about people and society at large even though you asked that person to stop doing that. I am sorry that the person did not respect your assertion and contaminated your mind just as you were starting to think positively. I hope that you are no longer in contact with that person..?

anita

Dear Sunoo:

You shared that your mother is 60 years old, suffering from HBP (high blood pressure), diabetes and severe back pain. Also, she suffers from a difficulty with, or an inability to say No to her adult daughters and does not speak up for herself. She becomes so stressed at times that she can’t get enough sleep.

You are 23, currently living with (1) your mother, (2) the youngest of your five sisters, a single young woman who works from home, (3)  the oldest of your sisters who is very busy with pursuing her PhD and is waiting for her husband to find residence nearby, (4) your oldest sister’s 2-year-old daughter, (4) frequently with one of your married sister’s daughter, a 4-year-old who you or your youngest sister often picks her up from school at noon, bathe and feed her, and she stays with you until evening, and sometimes overnight, (5) a cat.

You are scheduled to start an internship in March at a location far from home and your considered plan is that you and your youngest sister, two single women, will be moving away from home, leaving your mother behind. You are worried that if that happens, she will handle all the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores because the #1 priority and singular focus of the only other adult in the house, your oldest sister’s, is her PhD studies and taking care of her 2-year-old. And that this will be to physically demanding of her, given her health issues.

Therefore, you are considering moving close to your internship location with your youngest sister and with your mother, but you worry that it will be a financial strain for you and for your youngest sister because your internship allowance is limited as well as her salary (Option 1).

You are also considering not moving at all for your internship, and instead commuting daily, which will be exhausting for you, and because you will not be spending much time home, it will not significantly alleviate your mother’s burden (Option 2).

You are considering moving and hiring help for the household chores back home, but you worry that your mother will do the work regardless, and you are concerned with the cost (Option 3)

“I want my MOTHER (to) lead a peaceful life in her 60’s… I am frustrated and eager to help my mother, having discussed these concerns with my sisters, albeit with limited success… I just want give her some way or help to speak up for herself… I speak in her place that give her better choices putting her health in priority“-

– My thoughts: your mother is in the habit, so you wrote (“She cannot say ‘NO’ to her children as she take it as a habit“), of not saying No to her adult daughters. She is also in the habit of cleaning and cooking and otherwise taking care of her adult daughters and granddaughters. She is in the habit taking on her daughters’ responsibilities upon herself. This means that possibly, she will resist your plan to remove her from her current location and activities, and that if she moves away with you, she might want to go back to where she is at now.

I imagine that she finds a meaning to her life, a calling, if you will, to work for and help her daughters and granddaughters, and that if you remove her from her calling, she will be very uncomfortable and very distressed. I imagine that she will insist on taking care of you and of your younger sister in the new location, so much so, that she will burden the two of you with over-working for you, over helping.

You want her to “lead a peaceful life in her 60s“, but if the stress is within her, as in a mental-emotional habit.. a different location, different physical circumstances (even luxury!) are not likely to change her habit. Rationally, you’d think that it’d be good for your mother’s health to live away from her current responsibilities, but strangely perhaps, it’s her current lifestyle that -although brought about her health issues- is also keeping her alive.

What do you think, Sunoo, about what I’m thinking…?

anita

Dear Renn:

You are welcome! I will read and reply to you Mon morning (it is Sun 12:41 pm here).

anita

Dear Rebecca:

You are welcome!

“My childhood was a mess… internalised a lot of unhelpful ‘messages ‘ and would like to be free from them, but time is running out as I’m at retirement age. I don’t have the resources to pay for therapy“- in the context of self-help (free of charge), you are welcome to share here about your messy childhood and the unhelpful “messages” you received back then.

And I can share with you about my messy childhood and the unhelpful messages I received back then. Maybe it will help you to free yourself from those messages.  It’s not too late to be free at your age.

“As for forgiving myself, it’s all blurring into one now“- I didn’t understand this sentence.

anita

Dear Rebecca:

In my reply here I will refer to karma as the idea, or principle of Cause and Effect, meaning that what we say and do affects (has an effect on) other people, and what they say and do affects (has an effect on) us. It’s a simple idea, something that supposedly everyone knows, right? But not so. For example, my mother used to say terribly hurtful things to me. When I complained about it somehow (as a teenager), she told me that her hurtful words should have no effect on me, that there was something wrong with me for taking offense. She didn’t see herself (or if she did, she didn’t present herself to me) as the Cause of my hurt feelings, and therefore, she continued to verbally offend me.

When we are aware of the principle of Cause and Effect, and we care to not offend others, then we are motivated to be selective as to our words and actions, so to not offend or harm others.

The way I see it,  we live in a world where all humans (who are old enough) are harming others, and unnecessarily so. Some more than others, some less frequently.. in different ways,  but we are all stuck in a world where we harm and are harmed. To put it in a different way: there is and has been for centuries so much harm in the world, that no one is free from harm: not as the receiver of harm, and not as the giver of harm.

This is not to say that harming others is okay, no, not at all. What I am saying is that if you expect yourself to never harm anyone, you are setting an unrealistic expectation for yourself, and in so doing, you’d be stuck in shame and guilt forevermore. And if you expect this from others, you are setting an unrealistic expectations for them, and you will be stuck in distrust of all.

The solution, if such was possible, would be for every individual to be aware of the principle of Cause and Effect and care to do-no-harm. To have it as a value and a goal to not harm others, while not expecting perfection in this regard. We need to tolerate and endure the fact that sometimes we will hurt other people’s feelings.. by mistake, because we didn’t think through something we said before saying it.

You suggested in your original post, as I understand it,  that you were assaulted because maybe you did something wrong: “If it was concerning something I did, I think it was a very long time ago .I.e. childhood“- do you feel guilty for something that you have done as a child, a wrongdoing of some kind, something that is difficult for you to forgive yourself for?

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You are welcome. “I have parents who achieved a lot in their life“- not their lives, but their life, singular.

“They are very much a self contained unit, not needing any other person“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t have you in it.

“They are happier not being around me“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t want you in; keeping you out, exiled.

“I feel alone all the time. I feel totally rejected by society“- alone, rejected by your parents (a child’s first society)=> alone, rejected by society at large.

“My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when I am depressed“-  and in so doing, rewarding your depression.

“and when I have achieved something great.. she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesn’t look happy“- and in so doing, punishing you for achieving.

“My sibling also gets very jealous if I achieve something and she goes quiet if I need help“- your sibling also gets very jealous if you achieve, meaning your mother gets very jealous when you achieve.

“I live alone, eat alone, am mostly alone“- just as you were trained to do by your first society, that self-contained unit.

“People are also more attracted to someone who has it all together, clearly I don’t“- your mother, father and sister are 3 people who are not attracted to you when you achieve something toward having it all together. Instead, they are repelled, going a bit quiet, pulling away from you.

“I lose jobs, men and friends and I don’t have answers to why things happen. I’m not proactive, I don’t have plans or ideas of what to do“- no one is more of a people-pleaser than a young child when it comes to the motivation to please one’s parents, so to getting their approval, and to avoid their rejection and aggression (however small that aggression seems from an adult’s perspective).

By losing jobs, men and friends and having no plans or ideas of what to do, are you still trying to please your parents, that one self-contained unit?

“There is potential for me to feel better. I just kind of wish I could get more motivation to move, change and shake my life up.. instead of waiting for things to change. I don’t know why I have such apathy.“- is it that you are still waiting for that self-contained unit to open up for you and let you in (and give you their stamp of approval), and only when that happens, then you will be motivated to move, change, shake your life up and actualize your potential?

anita