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anita

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  • in reply to: What’s my purpose who am I #422629
    anita
    Participant

    Yes, Simon, I am still active on this site and I will read and reply to your recent post in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422609
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stacy:

    I’m poverty trash and my family is stupid, ignorant, dysfunctional and unhealthy in all ways, and so I am too. It’s that I have the body of a 12 year old girl, that I’m not desirable…“-  imagine someone posting here on the forums, telling me: anita, you are poverty trash! You are stupid, ignorant, dysfunctional and unhealthy in all ways! etc. Would you stand up for me?

    I think that you would. I will do the same that you will do for me: Stacy, this is not okay for you to talk about Stacy this way! It is not okay to shame Stacy for the financial status she was born into, or for the family she was born to, and for all choices made by others!

    As a matter of fact, it is not okay to shame Stacy for ANYTHING!

    You wrote to me in your most recent post: “Hearing what your mother put you through physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc. is absolutely horrible. The lack of accountability for her abusiveness wasn’t yours to hold“- (1) it is not okay for you, precious Stacy, to put yourself through psychological, emotional abuse! I am holding you accountable: no more self-abuse,  okay? (2) thank you for your empathy for me. Please extend the same to you.

    If you could go back in time all the way to my childhood, and you told my mother to stop shaming me, and she’d say something like: but I am saying what I honestly feel, she (anita) really is worthless, etc…. Would you tell her to keep shaming me because she really believes what she’s saying? Or would you tell her to treat me respectfully regardless of what she is thinking and feeling?

    I am asking you to treat yourself (in the ways you talk about yourself) respectfully, no matter what. Make this commitment to yourself.

    I do not feel like a high value woman because it has not been proven to me by someone I value“- entering relationships as a self-perceived low value woman, hoping to be proven valuable by a man.. is not going to work.

    I came into work crying as I have for basically this whole month of the breakup….  She turned around and looked at me with several things in her arms and said, ‘… Thank you for always being so sweet and… capable.’… She paused in that sentence and you could tell she was searching for what to say after calling me sweet. The thoughtful pause before that ‘capable’ delivery sent chills down my spine and I burst right back out into tears…I’ve told no one about this yet and I say that because I’m usually inclined to immediately share everything that happens to me with my sister or mom for reassurance or validation… If I tell them this, they will then try to tell me that this was my sign I need to move on now and get frustrated with me for not… I would rather this be something between you and I because I feel that at least for now, it confirms that what I’m doing RIGHT NOW by posting here is meant to be happening. Also, that I appreciate this forum and your perspective. I am so happy to hear that your experience posting here and with me has been helping you too.“-

    – (1) I appreciate you sharing this with me! (2) Yes, my communication with you is definitely helping me. Thank you! (2) I like what your co-worker said: this IS the way to talk to Stacy and about Stacy: positively and appreciatively! (3) Better indeed that you don’t tell your mother and sister about it and that overall, you stop sharing everything that happens to you with them, looking for their reassurance and validation because they provide you with reassurance and validation only at times, and partly, conditionally, bringing in a negative to you with every positive they extend to you.

    You need consistent reliable support, not a mix of support and opposition.

    I am very fearful of never shaking the guilt of distancing myself physically from my mother and my sister“- you feel very fearful and guilty. I accept and respect you feeling whatever it is that you feel at any time.

    I do miss having the voice of objective empathy from my old counseling sessions too, indeed it is so refreshing“- objective empathy, or .. consistent empathy is not your experience with your mother and sister.

    I think I found that voice in my ex…  Still haven’t heard from him in over two weeks… He told me early on in our relationship..  that he had a hero complex… I am beginning to wonder if he had tried to ‘save’ me in a way too and saw that he bit off way more than he could or was willing to chew anymore with me“- he doesn’t belong on the pedestal that you placed him on. He isn’t a hero who can save you, never was. He did say all the right things though, at times. It could have been a result of growing up with two PhD psychotherapist parents.

    I think I am beginning to see that my sister’s experience doesn’t have to be my own, because it’s not! We had and continue to have entirely different experiences with our mom, despite sharing so many of the same“- siblings often take opposite roles within a troubled family, and therefore they think more differently than strangers do.

    I hope that your car gets fixed soon and that it stays operational for a long time!

    anita

    in reply to: Frustrated #422608
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luna:

    I don’t know what in what I said gave the impression that I don’t ‘feel’ the need for a relationship“-

    You said:  “I would say I tend to have a rational take when it comes to emotions. I’ve looked so much into that too haha it is interesting that you brought it up because I feel like I wanna step away from that too; feel the emotion instead of thinking it.” (Sept 25).

    I don’t know what in what I said gave the impression that I don’t ‘feel’ the need for a relationship“-

    I didn’t say that you don’t feel the need for a relationship, or that you don’t feel emotions otherwise. Put in a new way this Sat morning, my understanding is that you find refuge in thinking, refuge from feeling; that overthinking provides you with a welcomed distraction from old emotional pain.

    You mentioned a phrase in a reply to a member just over nine months ago: “What you feel, you attract, and where focus goes, energy follows“- your focus is thinking, and that’s where your energy flows, into overthinking. In regard to the first part of this phrase: what you suppress feeling (yet still feel), is what you attract.

    What you feel in regard to your powerful of childhood, you chose to not share in your thread, beyond the very general and vague sentence that I boldfaced in the following (Sept 24): “I can see how you’re drawing the link between the parent-child bond and my inquiry and I expected this to be brought up given they’re the most common models in terms of a healthy (or not) couple partnership. So to get back to your question, like any other child, I have received powerful messages from my environment on how to act and be in a couple“- no mention of what those powerful messages were and what you felt about those messages..  not as any other child, but as Luna the child.

    Back to your yesterday’s post (Sept 29): “To make that clearer, I feel and think that need. I have both an emotional and an intellectual perspective on the matter”-you are a thinking and a feeling person, absolutely, I  have no doubt.

    That being said, I agree with the idea that relationships are never trouble-free; Life as a single person in itself is full of ups and downs let alone in relationships. Hence, feel free to share more insights on the subject if you’d like. This is what this space is for. Best, Luna“-

    – My main insight in regard to romantic relationships is that when we grow up distressed and conflicted, and the Conflict is not resolved in childhood, it carries on into adult romantic relationships. Personally (and expressed here in a child-like, emotional manner vs the intellectual): my mother was very angry at me, a whole lot of angry. It makes me sad and it makes me scared. Please don’t be angry with me, mother! PLEASE??!!! Please, pretty please… don’t be angry with me.

    I tried to disappear best I could, as a child, to feel as little as possible so to hurt as little as possible. Fast forward, as an adult, in what could have been romantic relationships, maybe, I was.. no where to be found, dissociated.. gone. Men who approached me- I automatically rejected, looking away, walking away, but if they persisted in pursuing me physically, as in sexually, after physically fighting them off me, if they persisted (those men were predators).. I disappeared while they did what they wanted to do.

    I NEEDED a hug. I was so lonely and my mother’s touch was far from feeling like anything positive, even when she meant it to be affectionate. There was no one to touch me kindly, so that was what I needed from humans who sought my company, and those humans were men looking for sex. I welcomed the hug; unfortunately for me, they exacted a price for the hugs.

    What I shared above is very personal, yet I shared it in a public forum. If my mother read it, she would venomously shame me for what I shared here. Part of me is afraid that you will do the same, or that someone reading this will.

    I’m asking about getting mentally ready for being in a relationship through self-development. For more context, I’m very passionate about self-development and I’m very future-oriented when it comes to matters of the heart” (Sept 24)-  I don’t expect you to share anything as personal as what I shared, or anything at all about your childhood, or about sex. It doesn’t feel good, really, for me, to have shared it, and it will be scary for me to click the submit feature.. It’s risky, but talking about self development, which is your passion, it takes taking risks.

    Best to you too,

    anita

    in reply to: my body wants an eternal sleep #422585
    anita
    Participant

    Dear soma:

    A dentist,  I am sure that you will never be unemployed as a dentist in any part of the world! It is amazing indeed that of 3-5 million test takers, you and your boyfriend scored so close, having only 28 people between your rankings!

    “And on top of that we got into the same uni and we both are studying to become dentists! this situation has me believing in faith”- it makes me think of the two of you becoming a family and having children with no untreated teeth problems!

    “About the retroactive jealousy thing, since the past few months, I am understanding the importance of communication more and more. I make an active effort to talk about things that bother me and encourage the people around me to do the same… I’ve also been trying to show my affection and gratitude and love more to my community. So, all this effort put by me and by my partner…  has put my mind at a bit more ease and now I understand that me obsessing over such unimportant stuff only damages our relationship”-

    – excellent job, soma! I am positively impressed by you! Effective communication coupled with affection, gratitude and love makes a winning combination!

    “As of now, I feel slightly underwhelmed by my life. I want to do more stuff, travel more, love more but for some reason, I feel like a bear in hibernation just sleeping. Heavy on wanting to love more, I just want to express my love through so many things and aspects, but I feel like I fail to do so”-

    – I see a need for something else to factor into the winning combination I mentioned above, and that is Patience, my young friend. Pace yourself, slow down your thinking and wanting things, and aim at finding contentment in the present moment.

    “My school actually starts in about a week and I’m super excited!.. I am wishing all the best to you, love, soma”-

    – thank you for your wishing me the best and I am wishing you the best in your upcoming school year, and more and more love in your life!

    anita

     

    in reply to: Standing up to narcissist at work backfired? #422584
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Umaz:

    Welcome back to the forums! I hope that it is okay with you that this will be a long reply as I will be paying attention to everything you shared. When I quote you, it is I who is adding the boldface feature to some of your words.

    In this thread, you shared that there was a promotional job available at work, and while you (a woman) were considering applying for it, a male co-worker- who turned down the job himself- told you that if you wanted the job, you’d need to be “more positive” and “hide (your) feelings“. As you understood it, he was implying that you were “too emotional“, and that you should not apply for the job. You applied for it nonetheless and received it.

    During meetings which you led as a team manager, he ignored you and addressed the male managers instead. The morale of the team was low, people had quit the team, and you told management that this co-worker’s behavior is “problematic and causing a retention issue in the team“. Eventually, you “blew (your) lid off and had a huge argument with him about it all… said some horrible stuff to him“. Management told you that you need training “to be better“,  and that you “need to separate (your) emotions from the job“, saying that “he doesn’t talk about others when he raises complain, implying that (you’re) the only one sh** talking“.

    “I feel so gaslit by everyone – but at the same time I am wondering if I’m the problem? Am I only filtering the negative stuff?…  I feel like a failure, like I ruined my career, like a trouble maker, a liability and I feel mistreated. I feel like I’ve been treated unfairly and sometimes I wonder maybe I am the narcissist and not him. Can I please get an outsiders perspective and some advice how to move forward?”

    To understand and answer your questions best I can, I will be re-reading your September 2021 thread titled “Am I a narcissist?“- the same question you asked two years later, in this thread.

    In your original post back then, you shared that one reason your boyfriend did not invite you to his father’s funeral (in another country) was, as he said, that “he wanted to ‘protect (you) from the pain“. You wrote back then: “I feel like a liability and not really a part of the family which he claims I am“. Here’s the same word: a liability. One definition of the word (online dictionary): “a person or thing whose presence or behavior is likely to cause embarrassment or put one at a disadvantage”.

    I replied to you back then and we communicated for a short while. You shared that as a result of your boyfriend not inviting you, you felt “really abandoned and lonely.. betrayed.. (that) he doesn’t really see me being part of..  his life… my own family did reject me a few years ago and him not including me made me feel rejected again“.

    When your boyfriend returned from the funeral, “he was talking about the funeral and told me that his ex’s mum and sister was at the funeral. This hurt me so much and I reacted poorly, I was angry, he again said I was a narcissist. He does call me that often and realised maybe he is gaslighting me. Every time I try to raise my own feelings he makes me feel so guilty about it, and calls me a narcissist“.

    I wrote to you back in October 2021: “Like I suggested to you earlier, I think that it is the hurt and betrayal that you experienced when your family rejected you that keeps awakening in the context of your relationship with your boyfriend”. You replied: “Anita, yes you are right, I feel so very triggered and lately I have been thinking about my own family more. Even after 10 years, I feel such a void without a loving family, something I never had but always crave. My parents kicked me out when I was in my early twenties because I didn’t follow the religion anymore and I wanted to live an independent life. What hurts more recently is that my own siblings who I thought could understand me, have also shut me out. I feel so isolated and rejected by them too…. I’ve had a lot of therapy in the past but nothing recently as I’ve been doing relatively well. Also, I don’t find it useful to continuously relive my past. It’s emotionally exhausting and takes away from my present. Plus its expensive…  I know that having emotions is normal but sometimes my emotions are most intense than usual“.

    My input today: your emotions, particularly hurt and  anger are sometimes, like you said 2 years ago, “most intense“. Originally, it’s the hurt and anger about having been unloved, kicked out, shut out, isolated, rejected (your words above), as well as really abandoned, lonely, betrayed and gaslit (your words from before) by your parents and later, by your siblings as well. It is within your family that you felt like a liability.

    That’s a lot of HURT. And as often is the case, ANGER is linked to the hurt. The anger is about trying to have POWER in situations where you feel very hurt and powerless.

    Because you’ve been very hurt and very angry within the context of your family, for too long, never to be resolved-  this intense hurt and anger get awakened/ triggered in adult contexts like in a romantic relationship (first thread) and a workplace relationship (2nd thread). When in these adult contexts you are uninvited (1st thread) or criticized and ignored (2nd thread), the same-old, same-old intense hurt and anger get triggered.

    In this thread, some of your hurt and anger are valid: it really is hurtful to be ignored in meetings, especially when you are the team leader. Maybe your male worker has anti-women feelings, maybe he is misogynistic. In any case, it was rude of him to ignore you during meetings. Thing is that the INTENSITY of your hurt and anger were not solely about this workplace-adult circumstance. It’s like there’s a leak from the past and the massive hurt and  anger of the past spill into the present during triggering circumstances.

    From what you shared and from my personal, non-professional understanding,  the term narcissist does not apply to you, or to your boyfriend at the time, or to your male co-worker. What applies to you is that when you are triggered, you feel so much hurt, that you can’t see anything or anyone but your hurt. You become self-centered in this way, and therefore, you feel justified in verbally attacking the person you believe had hurt you so much. Like I said, your co-worker was rude to you when he ignored you (not necessarily when he gave you his feedback that you were too emotional, depending on his tone and intent), not thinking about how you’d feel being ignored, and that’s being self-centered on his part.

    Here is my advice: (1) next time you feel angry at someone, Notice that you feel angry, Pause (take time out so that you don’t say or do anything being driven by the anger alone/ so you don’t blow your lid off), Address the situation when calm (what really happened? How much of what I feel is valid in this present circumstance? Try to peel the past off the present, so to speak. How should I respond, or maybe I should not respond at all?) and then Respond- or not, and finally, Redirect (get busy with something else). I call this strategy NPARR: Notice, Pause, Address, Respond-or-not, Redirect.

    (2) Process that massive hurt from the past bit by bit by sharing about it somehow, either by journaling (drawing and painting as well, perhaps), or in a support group (of people shunned by religious families, perhaps), and/ or in quality therapy..  or here on your thread, and/ or in replies submitted to other members.

    You wrote 2 years ago: ” I don’t find it useful to continuously relive my past. It’s emotionally exhausting and takes away from my present“- if you share/ process in a certain way, it may release you from the hold that the past has on you.. fixing that leak I mentioned earlier, so to speak, bringing yourself back to the present instead of taking yourself away from the present. Share from the Hurt, more than from the Anger.

    It happens that I use these forums myself to process my childhood Hurt at times, when I reply to members. I’ll do it right here, right now, so to give you an example of what works for me, and may work for you too.

    (After a moment): I see my mother’s face in my mind’s eye. She is still young, younger than I am now; Her face is cold and rigid. There is no love for me in her face. Her eyes are dark, there is no glitter in them, nothing that shines, no recognition in them that I.. that I am, or that I am of any value. She looks at me, she talks at me.. as if .. she talks at a thing. Not a person that I yearn to be, but a 2-dimensional thing… MOTHER, don’t you SEE me? ME? Oh my god, I am stuck being a thing, no human 3rd dimension:  my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own preferences, my own.. being human. There is a feeling of being suffocated in this no-space 2 dimensions. MOTHER… Oh, I was going to ask her to see me, but no point in that.. She can’t, she won’t, she hasn’t FOR TOO LONG.

    anita

    in reply to: my body wants an eternal sleep #422572
    anita
    Participant

    Dear soma:

    I am fine, at home and soon going to bed. I will reply further Fri morning. Have a good Fri in your part of the world, precious soma!

    (I don’t understand the big SPACE above, be back to you tomorrow)

    anita

    in reply to: my body wants an eternal sleep #422571
    anita
    Participant

    Dear soma

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Dear soma:

    I am fine, at home and soon going to bed. I will reply further Fri morning. Have a good Fri in your part of the world, precious soma!

    anita

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: In a relationship with a man who is detached. #422559
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tee:

    Congratulations for doing so well in your career in the banking industry! I hope that you manage to buy the beach house you desire, and that you get in shape and lose the weight you want to lose.

    You ended your recent, Sept 27, 2023 short post with: “I don’t have to wear my heart on my sleeve for anybody. Have I turned cold and selfish haha? I am just protecting my heart more and loving me more. If I don’t love myself who will right? Well actually my cats love me regardless I think.”-

    – I want to explore the idea of wearing your heart on your sleeve with a man (being in a relationship) vs being cold and selfish (living as a single woman… perhaps as a future cat lady):

    Let’s look at the very beginning of your original post back in April 4, 2020 (three years, five months and two weeks ago; the boldface feature is my addition): “So, 8 years ago I came out of a relationship that I thought was perfect and really thought we were going to get married…  I focused on myself for the next 4 years and just living my life in solidarity. I enjoyed my life and regret nothing. Then on the 4th year I met a man..  everything seemed to fit and I was content and happy. This year going on our 4th year together I realized something  and it felt so sad, painful, and lonely…  He is and was perfect when it came to the type of man I wanted in my life. But, this one aspect threw me off this ‘perfect’ relationship. Whenever I talked about something I’m going through in my life regarding my parents and how they made me feel he just doesn’t know how to respond. He either just listens or just gives me one words responses. Sometimes I would talk about things that made me sad or frustrated. I grew up in a house where my parents continuously argued…”-

    – (1) Because of the turbulent nature of your childhood home, the arguing, the disorder, the conflict, the ongoing, never to be resolved distress, you found a calm refuge- as a child- in solidarity (“I.. stayed in my own world. I did not have playmates growing up. I did not get to have friends till I was in high school”). Fast forward, as an adult woman, you find refuge in solidarity.

    (2) Part of you tried to find refuge in a relationship: you wanted a man to resolve the conflict you grew up in, way  before he ever got into your life (an impossible task for any man). When you felt a man was perfect, it was because you put him on a pedestal so that he will  be able- from his elevated position- to resolve your childhood experience. Notice that the first problem you mentioned in regard to the 2nd man (your boyfriend at the time), is that he didn’t know how to respond to what you told him regarding your parents.

    In my first reply to you, I wrote about your boyfriend at the time: “he can’t change what happened to you. He can’t go back in time and rescue the girl that you were from the war-zone kind of a home where you grew up”, and you replied: “After writing all that and reading it myself I realized those are problems only I can fix and I’m aware of that. I just want to feel I guess warm inside and feel safe somehow around him. Maybe I’m looking for some magical phrase or sentence to make the pain go away”-

    rationally, you realized that he cannot fix the turbulence in your mind (the turbulent leftover from your childhood), but emotionally you expected him to do just that: to turn that turbulence into feeling warm and safe inside. Neither he, nor any man is capable of such magic.

    You said it yourself in page 1 or 2 of your thread: “I hope one day I can truly leave this emotional torment behind and be happy…I guess in this relationship I’ve been trying to get everything I didn’t have growing up”.

    My input today: What I pointed to above does not mean that your boyfriend at the time was the right man for you, or that he would have become the right man for you (and marry you) if you didn’t have this unrealistic expectation of him. What I pointed to, and with which you agree on a rational level, would make any and every man the wrong man for you. Like you, I too had unrealistic expectations of a man and I learned since what is realistic to expect and what is not.

    Again, good to read back from you!

    anita

    in reply to: Why friends disappear? #422550
    anita
    Participant

    Dear EvFran:

    I don’t know if you will be reading this. If you do, I want to tell you how much I appreciate what you wrote in the thread regarding my leaving the forums. I literally cried when I read it. Thank you so much for your kindness and big heart!

    How are you and how is your mother?

    anita

    in reply to: In a relationship with a man who is detached. #422549
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tee: good to read back from you! I will reply further in the morning.

    anita

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #422547
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    How could they be so heartless…?“- I asked a similar question in regard to my mother: how could she have no heart for me? And I too was in denial about it, believing that she did love me, she must have…

    It was only this morning that I thought: I should contact her just to tell her that I love her too (I’ve been in no contact with her for 10 years, my choice).  But then I said to myself: but she doesn’t love me and no amount of love on my part can make up for her lack of love for me; no amount of reaching out to her with love can bridge the chasm between me (my love for her) and her (lack of love for me).

    .. Why were they so selfish, making me feel utterly worthless and devoid of meaning?“- I no longer ask this question in regard to my mother, I am accepting the very sad but true reality that there is no love for me coming from her. It is a very difficult reality to accept, but moving on to a better reality (at least when it comes to my quality of life in between my ears) depends on accepting this. And not trying once again.. and again.. and again to change the unchangeable.

    anita

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #422542
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    You are welcome.  “I believe I’m still in a state of denial“- can you define the state of denial for me, in one short sentence: what is it exactly that you are denying?

    anita

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422540
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stacy:

    Also, thank you“- you are welcome!

    I have the game plan of what will help make me feel like a capable woman, but shorter term goals need to happen and I need to see value in myself right now… I know I have to feel good with myself while I work towards those long term goals and it just feels impossible to go 30-ish years feeling so insignificant and like a burden to suddenly loving myself. It’s the biggest void I’m trying to fill.“-

    – a severe lack of self-worth is a huge void, a vacuum, and a very painful one. Like any vacuum, it quickly gets filled with whatever is around it. In this case, it gets filled with self-doubts, self-judgment, guilt and shame, and you find yourself occupied with these painful negative feelings.

    Like other animals, our first, instinctual, most urgent need is to survive, and therefore, we instinctually focus on pain for the purpose of confronting what’s causing it (ex., an injury), healing it and stopping the pain. When an animal is experiencing significant or severe pain, it is not motivated to eat or sleep or mate, pain is the singular focus. Similarly, when a person experiences significant to severe emotional pain, the person’s focus is on the pain and what’s causing it; the person is not able to focus on something positive, such as the goal of becoming a capable woman.

    You have a game plan to become a capable woman, having long-term goals that depend on short-term goals.. but these painful negative feelings are in the way: how can you feel like, and become a capable woman, if you are filled with self-doubts, judgment, guilt and shame? (I’ll get to it in a moment).

    you mentioned earlier in one of your posts that even after you moved out and met your external goals, that you still struggled with negative feelings“-

    – you are probably referring to my sharing that at the age of 24, I flew across the world by myself- far, far away from my torment-filled relationship with my mother- ending up in New York City during Christmas time (talking about Christmas!), feeling HAPPY perhaps for the first time in my life, positive and hopeful. It was a magical time, a thrilling time. But then.. seeing all the magic, I felt sorry for my poor mother who so often complained about having had a miserable life, never traveling, never seeing the world.. I was filled with empathy for her (I cared too much for her) and guilt, so I arranged for her to fly and stay in NYC. Once she arrived- and even before she arrived- gone was the Magic and back was the Torment.

    Imagine that you move out of your loud, chaotic home (as you described it), and find yourself living in a quiet, calm and peaceful home. At first, you enjoy the newness so much, it’s magical!  But then, you think to yourself: my poor mother, my poor sister: they are living in a loud, chaotic home.. Oh, how they’d love living where I am now. And so, you invite them to live with you, and.. gone is the newness and back is the same old, same old loudness and chaos.

    If you don’t mind me asking, but did your work in therapy help build your self-worth and self-trust?“- (1) It helped having a person listen to me and talk to me respectfully. What a refreshing experience. (2) It helped having a person being curious about what I think and feel, a person caring about what’s happening in my heart and mind. Invisibility is what I was used to before. (It was like war was happening in my mind and heart day in and day out..  and no one noticed, or cared).

    My mother used to conduct those Shaming Sessions against me, sessions she said I deserved: she would corner me and facing me, she would say out loud, very loudly,  the most shaming words, humiliating me in any and every possible way she could think of. She’d shame me in one way, then figure that there was a better, more effective way to shame me, so she did, and she’d go about it enthusiastically. She was very creative that way, and very motivated. She wouldn’t stop shaming and guilt-tripping me, and hitting me (telling me that the only thing she liked about me was that I silently looked down at the floor when she hit me) until she ran out of words and breath. “Look what you did to me”, she’d say, looking at her hands, “you made my hands hurt” she’d say, referring to having hit me to the point that she felt pain in her hands.

    I believed her and proceeded to lived a life that a bad, shameful, guilty person deserves. I was filled with severe self-worth-void, a vacuum filled with shame and guilt. Dissociated much of the time, wishing to die.. and feeling sorry for her, overwhelmed by empathy for her, and none for me. She was still- throughout all this- “the best mother in the world”, her words=>  my words. She did buy me things, toys and clothes and my favorite cake, a chocolate marzipan cake.

    Back to your question: “Did your work in therapy help build your self-worth and self-trust?“- it helped but it didn’t build my self-worth and self-trust. What helped me most has been better interactions with people in real-life and my daily participation in the forums of tiny buddha May 2015-Feb/March 2023, resumed recently, including my communication with you and this very post that I am about to submit to you, one I’ve been working on for 3-4 hours so far.

    What I shared with you, those Shaming Sessions, I never shared about them the way I did with you this very morning. In the past, when I shared about my Torment with my mother, I was detached, dissociated and didn’t quite believe that it really happened and that it was that bad and I didn’t believe that.. she was the one at fault.

    It took figuratively giving my mother the badness that belongs to her, so that I don’t carry  it anymore within me. Removing that badness that filled the void, made it possible for a measure of self-worth and self-trust to take the space previously occupied by shame and guilt. I still feel empathy for my mother (with whom I had no contact for ten years), but I also feel empathy for myself. My sister contacted me six months ago, suggesting that I reconnect with my mother, telling me that she’s getting old, that she has “a lot of good in her”, and that she and admits having  “made mistakes”. No elaboration on “mistakes”. I refused the suggestion.

    The pain is still within me this morning, but it is my pain, not her pain. In other words, I now belong to myself and what is mine- is mine, not hers, not my mother’s. My life is not hers and it is not about her, not anymore.

    You wrote in your most recent post: “it’s true that my mom and sister are struggling so much with their own issues that they are just incapable of giving me the energy and patience I need. I kind of feel like I’m not able to be a present daughter either right now, I’m struggling with my own issues“- their issues and your issues are not separate issues for as long as you are living with them and for as long as you care about them more than you care about yourself. Choose you over them, be number 1, own your life, make it your own.

    anita

    in reply to: Financial Infidelity #422518
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    I was happy to read your post on the day after you posted the above, more than 3 months ago, happy to read that you resolved the issue in your relationship by applying empathy, patience, persistence and wisdom, and the two of you growing together and becoming closer. Thank you for returning to your thread and sharing this!

    anita

    in reply to: Is it okay to want to be happy? #422514
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kodi:

    You are welcome. The following are my thoughts, understandings and impressions, correct or not- it is for you to decide. It may distress you to read or to consider what’s to follow, so please, be prepared, and you are welcome, of course, to read or not to read, to address and reply to any part, or not. My motivation is to help just a bit, I hope.

    My Dad and I were eating lunch one day and he suddenly said ‘Everything that comes out of your mouth is negative“-

    – I know that it is not true that everything that comes out of your mouth is negative because you’ve been trying hard throughout your threads to state the positives, and you stated positives even without trying. Examples: first, original post, 4th sentence, Sept 2016: “I am happily married with a 5 year old son; we have our own house in a small town and a dog…“; Nov 2017: “My husband is in turn very loving and sensitive to my feelings“;  Aug 2021 (addressed to me): “Thank you so much for your kind and supportive response“; July 2023: “ I actually have a pretty good life – happily married, employed, have a house, a wonderful son“; Sept 25, 2023 (your most recent post): “My parents… are having the time of their lives. For the most part, my Mother’s anxiety is a thing of the past, as is my father’s negativity“.

    So, why (I am asking myself) did your father say that everything that comes out of your mouth is negative? The only reason I can think of is that he was angry at you, and therefore, he was- not empathetic- but rude to you.

    When I mentioned to my Mom that that bothered me, she said she agreed“- so both unempathetic toward you. I mean, if your mother was empathetic, she’d ask you (if she didn’t yet know) why you are so negative, or she’d apologize for instilling negativity in you (“they instilled it in me in the first place“, it being negativity).

    I get it, they’re trying to make me aware of how negative I am“- (1) they are not aware that you are already aware? (2) are they not aware that they instilled negativity in you; they think that you were born negative and it has nothing to do with them..?

    but I don’t respond well to ‘tough love’“- like the song says, “what’s love got to do with it?” A child is invested in seeing her parents in the most positive light; often, children (into adulthood) interpret their parents’ expressed anger and even abuse as “tough love”. (I say it’s tough.. but it’s not love).

    There are many reasons for my negativity – not only is it ingrained I’m me, but I’m unhappy at work. Every job I have ends up that way, because I’m easily stressed“- if negativity is ingrained in a person during childhood, it doesn’t disappear in the context of work, or adulthood. Negativity instilled in childhood is far reaching and it contaminates a variety of adult contexts.

    I’ve always had this silly vision of myself as a 50s housewife“- 1950s/ early 60s TV series do depict traditional homes as peaceful homes.

    A few years back I quit my job and took 2 months off. It was the happiest & healthiest I’ve felt since my maternity leave“- I  had a happiest and healthiest 2-months off my anxiety and depression when I first left my mother and country and travelled to New York City during Christmas.. Magical. But then I got together with my mother in NYC and the magic turned to anxiety and depression.

    I resent that my parents are so happy & carefree, because I want it so badly for me, too“- happy, carefree, after a lifetime of stress? (I wonder if they are recently retired and are experiencing their own temporary Magic)

    Currently, you are 42. In your previous threads you shared: “I..  battled anxiety and depression all my life… I have had severe anxiety and depression since I was a teenager” and in this thread: “I’ve had anxiety and depression all my life“.

    Previously: “My Mother-in-law lives in a little cottage by the lake. Visiting her is one of my favorite things to do – she’s very calm and loving and loves to laugh. her sun porch and backyard bring such peace to me, I feel like I’m away from it all. It’s hard to leave. In a way I feel like I’m driving away from heaven, back into hell (the real world)“-

    -your life growing up at home, with your parents was very stressful, unloving, no laughterno peace.. hard to live in.. hell…?

    I don’t blame myself for their anxiety, nor do I blame them” (2023)- but you blame yourself for the anxiety they instilled in you?

    I have good relationships with my parents” (2016)- at what cost?

    Unfortunately, I’m doing the same thing with my son. I’m aware of it and I try to keep it in control, but I fear I’ve instilled it in a him. He has different triggers than I do, and he’s not nearly as anxious as I, but I see it” (July 2023)- is experiencing so much anxiety on your part, for so long, and passing it on to the next generation.. is it the cost/ the price to pay for you having good relationships with your parents, not rocking the boat with them?

    Is it okay to want to be happy?” (the title of this thread): it is okay to blame your parents (“I .. don’t blame them“) for what they are responsible for- for no other reason but so to remove the blame from yourself, to free yourself from guilt that doesn’t belong to you (“I have so much guilt… I feel like a horrible person“, July 10, 2023), .. Free yourself from unearned guilt, and you’ll free yourself from much of the anxiety and depression you’ve suffered from for so long.

    Easier said than done, isn’t it?

    anita

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