Dear antarkala:

I tend to agree with your boyfriend, I will study the topic further myself, but I think that what’s behind it all is anxiety in the form of R-OCD, obsessively doubting an otherwise (other than the obsessive, negative, anxiety-filled thinking) good relationship. I hope that you read about R-OCD and let me know what you think about it.

anita

Dear Jessy:

I like crystal clear.

“I might ping him end of this week as its also his birthday so it might be a good conversation opener.“- I would wish him a happy birthday in just the same way you worded it when you were together,  minus words reserved to an ongoing romantic relationship. He contacted you at the beginning of this year, after 2 years of no-contact, because (I am guessing) he missed you as he remembers you, so give him what he remembers: the same wording, same sentiment, be as friendly as you were before (minus the romantic).

For a conversation regarding the changes in his lifestyle and personality in the last 2-3 years, you can start with something that would be easier for him to answer (as opposed to asking him about new experience dating, and such):

“he goes hiking now (which he resisted to do with me back home earlier )“- you can ask him (unless you already did), what made him like hiking in the new country, which he disliked doing in the home country.

To encourage him to talk more, be friendly, come across curious and interested in hearing more from him, as a friend.  If he initiates romantic+ talk, don’t go silent, as before. Instead, ask him more personal questions: not in an interrogative, negative tone or wording, but in a friendly (not romantic) way.

You have to gather information first, to get to know him anew, before you decide which way you want to go with him. That’s why a friendly, inviting attitude is needed. You can tell him- sometime after talking- how exciting it is for you to get to know him again.

If you started talking with him in a romantic way, it’s likely to be awkward for him to talk about his dating experience in the last few years, but if you establish a friendly, curious attitude, he is more likely to tell you things he wouldn’t otherwise.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

“1. Using the NPARR strategy whenever possible. I have observed that doing assignments/solving questions at that moment helps me to engage with something else.“- good plan, use it regularly.

“2. I should make a mental note of how my intrusive thoughts are affecting my quality of life in the PRESENT and giving me more anxiety and negativity. I can remember this thought whenever I feel I am ruminating“- this can be part of the Notice of the NPARR: Notice that you are ruminating and say to yourself: I am ruminating. Notice you are feeling anxious and say to yourself: I feel anxious.

Then Pause the rumination, and take a slow,  easy breath, then Adress the situation (if there is a situation that caused your anxiety to go up) and ask yourself: what is the problem in this situation?  Is there anything I need to say or do, so to solve this problem?

If there is no situational problem, then say, the problem is my anxiety going up, solution: bring it down.

Then Respond:  do what needs to be said or done so to solve the problem, if it is situational. If the elevated anxiety is not a result of a situation, take a few slow, easy breaths.

And then Redirect: to relax further, when possible, redirect to taking a short walk, a hot shower, listening to music, and/ or dancing, etc., otherwise, focus on an assignment/ solving questions (like you wrote in #1)

#3, 4, 5 read fine. Good job, Kshitij !!!

anita

Dear Jessy:

You are welcome!

“Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-

– let’s see.. you met him in college, he was “the shy kind of guy that lacked initiative or attention to details but he have  a heart of gold and always transparent“. Three years ago, he moved away from his (and your) hometown to a different country, while you stayed in your hometown and country, not dating anyone, not going out much, “so chances of me dating were also very slim“.

For two years, while he lives in another country, you had no contact with him. At the beginning 2024, he contacted you, and at one of the early conversations, he texted you a sexual text. Your response: “silent and confused“. He then apologized, and continued chatting lightly.

“I’m not sure why after all these years he is texting and if he even changed… Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-this is what I am guessing that happened (and I have no way of knowing for sure, of course): he was a shy boy growing up in his hometown, and proceeded to be the shy young man that you dated.

Living in a new country, away from his parents, friends, the place and people who knew him to be one way (shy, etc.), gave him the opportunity to be.. someone different. While you remained the same (no new dating experience), in the same hometown, same country, he experienced a different town or city, in a different country. Maybe it’s a city/ country that’s more liberal than where you still live.  There, he dated, and/ or had sexual experiences that he didn’t have before, such that intrigued him, and made him feel bold and somewhat confident, a new experience for him. And then, one day, he wondered how it would be (sexually) with you.. so he contacted you and expressed his sexual interest in that text he sent you.

People overuse the word toxic, and I don’t see how it applies here, based on the information you provided.

As far as whether he changed: in some ways he did, he had some new sexual experiences, I am guessing (again, I don’t have any concrete evidence to this being true), he feels a new sense of freedom and possibility.

Has the change extended to him being more confident overall, is he more likely to take initiative? Maybe to an extent, and maybe temporarily. If he goes back to his hometown to live, he’d have to go through some adjustment, and his current change may be replaced by the way he used to be, or close to it.

“I’m confused, should Igive him a chance or just go figure my life out?“- ask him questions when you get the chance, not via texting, I suppose, but in another way (email? video call?). Have a conversation with him, get to know him as he is now.

anita

Dear Tania:

You are very welcome, it is good to talk with you again!

You shared that Dona lost her husband to Covid, that she loves being in the company of others, and that your husband (of 5 years, not 10) doesn’t feel comfortable in her company because “she sometimes talks unpleasant things“.

“She said that I will show up if only there is a problem or issues“- I am confident (based on our previous communication) that it is not true that you didn’t visit her in the last few years because you didn’t have problems or issues, so her claim stated in this quote is untrue.

“and she writes down all of her effort to meet me. On the other side, I think she didn’t remember that I have (put in) effort too“- looks like she tried to portray you as the bad guy, and herself as the good guy, so to speak. It’s unfortunately common for people to do that. (I am confident that.. you are not the bad guy).

“this relationship become not really comfortable, I think“- I would feel very uncomfortable if I was in any kind of relationship where I was the bad guy. As a matter of fact, I was in such a relationship with my own mother, she presented herself to me, in no uncertain terms, as the good guy, and she presented me as the bad guy.. in no uncertain terms. It was very, VERY uncomfortable for me, to say the least.

I don’t know if what brought up right above is the reason, or part reason for your discomfort.

“my husband doesn’t comfortable with her“- this can be a part-reason for your discomfort, since what he thinks and  feels is very important to you.

In addition, I imagine that your attention is now focused on your husband and on your child, and you have little interest in life outside them. Back in Feb 26, 2020, you shared in regard to your husband (you were not yet a mother back then): “actually I live like live in his life.. My attention just for him… to get his attention (of course sometimes I care about him instead but most of time, I focus on his attention). I don’t  know why and I really hard to stop that. Indeed, I can just literally daydreaming (I mean not doing anything, just sit down then thinking about him or waiting for him to come to me). It’s really annoyed me actually.. I tried to do another thing, it’s not working. Like my mood is depend on him… Since I (am) too possessive/ obsessive of him, my world like gone. What I usually did when I was still single, it’s gone… It’s drive me crazy everyday.. I want to change“-

– this has not changed, has it?

“I want to visit her, but I can’t. I know this may seem like a reason I made (up), but I don’t know why, in my heart and thoughts, (it) is complicated… I think this become more emotionally and make me overthinking“-

– back on Feb 26, 2020, you asked me: “Do you have any suggestion how to decrease my paranoid/possessive thought..?… my mood is depend on him“-

– this is my understanding: your mother left you when you were a very young child, and later, your father passed away. Growing up alone and feeling so terribly alone was your “darkest time” (your words). Fast forward, you are married and you are afraid that he (your husband) will leave you too, and that you will again be alone in another darkest time. So, you focus on him, watching his every move, every expression, watching for any indication that he might leave you.

No wonder that in this hyper vigilant focus, you are not available for a social life outside your home. Is this the case, Tania?

anita

Dear Paradoxy:

A couple of days ago, you wrote: ” I am able to argue back against the advice given because… I expected solutions that I have not already thought of but I keep getting answers that I am already aware of“-

-in your 4-page thread,  in about ten posts (some of them very long), I did my very best to offer you answers and solutions to consider, such that maybe you were not aware of. But seems like you are aware of everything.

Sincerely, I have nothing else to add.  Everything I had to offer, I already did, and you are welcome to re-read it if you’d like.  All I can do at this time, as I leave your thread, is to wish you the best, as well as to the people in your life.

anita

Dear Katherine:

“At the beginning of December 2023 I met someone… About a month ago I confronted the fact we were not yet in a relationship… he is moving for a year and then off to medical school…. He doesn’t want to commit to me if he can’t give me his all. I get it. We decided to just date each other and create positive memories until he moves in August… My issue is this: do I stay and make memories and connect deeply with this man, or do I choose self-respect and go”-

– always choose self respect!

The problem with the first option (staying with him through August, and creating memories with him), is that I don’t see- and please correct me if I am wrong- how can you create good memories, in your own mind, when you are aware, every day you’re with him, that he is going to leave in 4 or 5 months, while not willing to commit to a long-distance relationship with you…?

I would imagine that you’d be too anxious and upset to.. create pleasant memories…?

It seems like a good choice for him to not commit to a long-distance relationship at this time (especially given that he has experience with a LDR),  so that he can focus on his studies, and not be distracted by a romantic relationship. It is your job to make a good choice for yourself, and self-respect is always the right choice.

“Totally lost and sad.“- keep posting here, and let me know of your thoughts and feelings over time, and we can talk about it, will you?

anita

Dear antarkala:

You are welcome and thank you for your empathy and support!!!

“Even with friends, I am always trying to take care of them and be the bigger person. I’m seriously tired but I feel like I don’t know how else to be – I don’t know how to just have fun and be like all other girls!“-

-it will be difficult and it will likely feel strange to change a (so far) lifetime role of being “the bigger person“, the overly responsible adult one to => => => a new role: still responsible, but not overly responsible, with an added a carefree mindset.

This kind of change can be done if you understand the gradual nature of such change, it you are very patient with the process, taking it one step, one day at a time, and over a long time (months) the new mindset and behavior will start to feel natural.

The process: engage in activities that relax you or bring you joy (self-care), practice Mindfulness every day; set and communicate boundaries with people (say no to some requests), delegate responsibilities to others and encourage them to take on tasks that they can handle..

And all done gradually, in small steps, as you congratulate yourself and celebrate small progress made, day in and day out.

anita