Dear Melissa:

“My question is because I’m begging for someone to help me… every woman I see, I think does he like her, was she like that,  does anything remind him of her… I take full responsibility on how I treated him, and I feel terrible I hurt him, but this is another level.. has anyone been in something similar and can suggest anything to help me wipe it from my brain… Thank you to anyone who has listened and I appreciate your time.“- you are welcome. I am glad you posted (interestingly, you posted exactly 2 years after the thread started, May 29 of 2022!)

Yes, I experienced something very similar to the emotional- mental torture you are going through, and for a long time. I was obsessed with a man’s previous relationship, details replaying in my mind. I lived and re-lived his past as if it was mine, and as if it was still happening and re-happening.

Gladly, it’s all been a long time ago, and I am not stuck there anymore. What a relief!

The reason I was stuck in the man’s past is that I had unfinished business carried over from my past, my childhood- adolescence, to be exact. Growing up, the good life was happening to others, not to me: other girls had fun, later dated, had boyfriends.. but not me: I was so alone and lonely. In the home where I grew up: my mother was so positively attentive to guests, so nice to them, flattering them, telling them wonderful things about themselves, how great they are.  But to me, 1-2-1, she said I was “a nothing, an absolute zero“, her words.

And so, I was envious and jealous of others. Fast forward, I was jealous of a man’s past girlfriend, as if she was still his girlfriend. It was my past emotional experience, that got re-activated in adulthood, in a different context.

More about your situation: after being together for about 11 years (in 2022), living together with children, you were sick and tired of the relationship and of life the way it was. You didn’t communicate to him how you were feeling and eventually, decided to end the relationship. He moved out and back to his parents. You lost weight, felt better, got on dating sites, enjoyed the attention, and still slept with your partner, including in mid-July 2023. You later found out that he slept with another woman six  times around that time.

“To say I felt my heart break would be an understatement I burst out crying and sobbed…  I was shaking gagging thinking I was dying, I’ve never felt pain like it“- a very strong reaction. Reads like a past pain being reactivated. I know this kind of pain, Melissa. I am sorry that you know it too.

“he swore and promise it was 3 times and used condoms.. few weeks later.. he finally admitted it was 6 times, no condoms… he said he never wanted to date this woman, didn’t really find her attractive, it was literally to try and get over me… he said …“- you’ve seen it in movies, haven’t you, a man interrogated by detectives long enough, trapped in the situation long enough, will say ANYTHING to get the interrogation over with. I don’t fault him for being inconsistent about the details.

“He is very, very remorseful… This was 9 months ago.. we are in love, plan to marry, and better than ever… Can someone really just forget someone they have had sex with 6 times and did those little things with them“(?)- yes, someone definitely can forget. And reads like he is dedicated to you.

“I find myself crying daily…. my brain says (there’s) more, he’s lying… why my brain is against me, I don’t know.. we are happy so why can’t I forget it like he has?”- the reason, seems to me, is that for him the 6 times were about those 6 times only, but for you, those 6 times are about much more: your childhood reactivated in an adult context.

“I take full responsibility on how I treated him and I feel terrible I hurt him“- someone in your childhood didn’t yet take full responsibility for terribly hurting you?

I hope to read more from you. I would like you to find peace with his past and more importantly, with your past. It’s not easy, but it can happen for you!

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are very welcome. Yes, I do believe that you don’t deserve to suffer, very much so!

“Can I send a detailed reply to your thread by tomorrow EOD?“- yes, in the End Of the Day (I googled that, didn’t know the acronym..)

“In the meantime, I have a question- Are these intrusive thoughts that I experience or flashbacks? Or a mix of both?“- both, these are intrusive thoughts (thoughts that disturb you a lot) and intrusive memories aka flashbacks (memories that disturb you a lot). Flashbacks are visual and/ or auditory memories, as well memories that are strictly emotional and physical- no picture and no sound to the memories, only the emotional and tactile re-experiencing of the trauma.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome! I am glad to read that indeed, you want to keep yourself focused on your goas, and not go through attachment issues at this time.

“feels like I’m stuck and wanna still say a lot to her“- this is an opportunity to journal: to type away all that you want to say to her (privately, or here on your thread).

anita

Dear Zenith:

“Maybe I should zone out when they (say) something stupid“- Maybe you can zone out before anyone says something stupid?

I used to zone out a lot and nothing that was said around me registered in my brain, it’s part of my ADD, Attention Deficit. Nowadays, it happens when people talk too much, it tires me.

“I am always worried about other people.. if I am making them sad by saying no blah blah… I am always worried I would say something stupid… I suppress myself.”

-I too was so worried about hurting other people, not only with the words I said, but with the words I should have said, but didn’t; worried that I’d hurt people with the expressions on my face, by what  did or didn’t do (but should have done). It was an endless, tiring, exhausting way to live. I was like under a magnifying glass, in my own mind, criticizing my every thought, my every word, expression, act. I used to get so ANGRY for.. not being free, free to just live, to just be without that critical overseer.

I used to suppress myself most of the time. It was so difficult! It was crazy-making. It is so important to express, at least sometimes, to fully, genuinely, simply express oneself.

I wish you can start doing it at work, in small portions, just a bit here, a bit there. Same in India, at home, anywhere and everywhere.

anita

Dear Zenith:

You are probably very busy getting ready for the flight to India, maybe you are on the plane right now: I wanted to wish you and your family safe travels, and to wish you a good visit with your mother!

anita

Dear Lily Margarette:

“My husband is selfish. He can never put himself in any one else’s position but his own…   I kept my feelings to myself. But.. later today…on the weekend of our daughter’s religious presentation… I’m fuming… I’m really angry now… Now.. the sulking will begin, the slamming doors and being rude… How do I keep my cool? ..my daughter will be upset considering everyone else will be there with their families..”–

– You asked how do you keep your cool because you can put yourself in your 3 children’s shoes (ages 14, 11 and 8, this coming September), and you know how damaging expressed anger in the home is to children, your own children, more damaging than a father not showing up to a religious presentation. Your job, as a mother, is indeed to keep the home as calm as possible because this is what your children need.

Therefore, for as long as you live with your husband in the home, please see to it that your children are not threatened by slamming doors and rude voices and words. Perhaps you can see a medical doctors for a prescription to help you keep calm at this time, temporarily, for now?

Thank you for caring to keep your cool, this is what a good mother does.

anita