Dear Zenith:

The Empty Feeling.. I remember how intense my empty feeling used to be, being as isolated and lonely as I was. Lots and lots of people suffer from that empty feeling. I hope it gets easier and better for you!

anita

Dear Zenith: yes, you said something like this before. Well, I wish you and her saw some wise person from the Indian-Muslim community in your area, a religious counselor of sorts, and have the two of you sit together with him/ her to clarify and fix things!

anita

Any news on the neighbor front..?

anita

Yes, Zenit, it is quite depressing when the weather is like this and I can’t go out- too windy, plus the rain. I am walking on the treadmill (on and off, 1/2 mile portions, adding to a planned 3 miles), walking always, or almost always helps with my mood.

anita

Dear Zenith: just came back from the dentist. Very rainy dark late morning here. How are you??

anita

Dear Martyna:

(I am adding the boldface feature to this quote): “He told me how he feels and it paralyzed me. I was suddenly scared of the romantic feelings, being open, expressing what I feel and becoming vulnerable so I told him… A year passed… We’re together for almost a year now… he brings me comfort, security and love, also being my best, best friend. Oh my god I love him. I did obsess over losing him though, over him getting hurt, failing at school, being depressed etc. I really drain myself with those thoughts… And then one evening when we we’re laying together, I had a thought ‘I don’t love him’ which caused me panic… He’s truly a dream. But I’m so anxious bc of the constant thought of doubt whether I love him… this paralyzing feeling wont go away. I’m so scared… Help..”-

-I boldface expressions of fear. It is natural, when a person gets too fearful, to emotionally detach oneself from one’s emotions. It’s a normal defense mechanism aimed at protecting oneself from potential hurt. It is also understandable to get scared when emotions shift randomly and suddenly (I am referring to the title of this thread).

Seems to me that before meeting your boyfriend, while you were growing up, loving someone (a parent perhaps, a family member..?), being vulnerable to that person,  became a hurtful, painful experience for you, and you are afraid to re-experience this hurt and pain in a romantic context.

Maybe someone you loved returned your love with rejection.. anger, betrayal of some sort? Maybe someone you loved (falsely) accused you of hurting them? If so, it will take addressing that earlier situation and resolving the emotions involved, as much as is possible for you.

Please don’t blame yourself for how you feel. It is not your fault that you feel what you feel, or that you don’t feel what you don’t feel. What you feel is not a matter of choice. And there is a valid message behind what you feel (example of such a message: I don’t want him to hurt me, or I don’t want to hurt him). I hope that you feel calmer very soon, and I hope to read more from you (I will be away from the computer for quite a few hours and will be back later).

anita

Dear Shinnen:

“‘Why was I born here and now?’“- some people believe in destiny (believing that one is born with a predetermined future); others believe that the place and time of our births is a matter of random  chance. I believe in the latter.

“Is there anything distinctive about me“?- yes, absolutely! Your curiosity and intelligence stand out to me. Not everyone dives deep into existential questions like you do.

“or am I simply the result of circumstances and genetics“- while circumstances and genetics play a significant role in shaping who we are, there is an entire realm of experiences, choices and consciousness that add layers to one’s identity. You interact with the world and create meaning in it beyond your circumstances and genetics.

“in the same way that there are no completely identical stones, nothing special, just different?”- different but not insignificant. Each one of us has our own unique form and beauty- physical and otherwise-  that might not be immediately visible. Your experiences, your thoughts, your feelings- they create a mosaic that’s singularly yours.

It’s all about what you see, and what you do- in the world- with your uniqueness: are you isolated from or interactive with others; do you choose to harm or to help people.

“I don’t believe or disbelieve in a soul. The same goes for God. They, along with most concept, belong to the myriad of things I have no reason to believe, or not believe“- reads like you prioritize evidence, logic and reason over beliefs based on faith and intuition, a rationalist and a skeptic, needing strong evidence before you believe in something.  There is not enough evidence for you to believe in a soul and a god, nor is there enough evidence for you to believe that there is no such thing as a soul or a god.

“I am ‘very’ suspicious of my ego, which I suspect has a vested interest in telling me how unique, different, special, etc. I am. As humans, the primary way we evaluate the world, what we find threatening, good, bad, right, wrong, evil, true, fearful, the list is endless, is by comparison… always skewed toward our self interest.. ego, as you say. I see no reason to believe that I’m special or unique;  different.. sure, but, so is everything else.“- you are a skeptic in regard to the existence or non-existence of soul and god, and a skeptic in regard to you being unique and special. Not enough evidence to convince you one way or the other.

There is a desire in you to be unique and special, you may call it the ego’s desire. We all have an innate need for recognition. We crave (or craved, before giving up) acknowledgment and appreciation as someone unique and special. We all want (or wanted.. before giving up) to stand out. Nobody likes to be ordinary or forgotten.

There are two sources for feeling unique and special: (1) an external/ acquired source that is dependent on others. We focus outward and compare ourselves to others. If we have significantly more physical beauty, more I.Q, more education, more money, etc., then we (may) feel unique and special (for some time), (2) an internal/ intrinsic  source that is independent on others. We focus inward, focusing today on becoming more and better than we were yesterday, comparing ourselves not to others, but to who we were before.

The first require others to see and assess you (ex., observers can see what vehicle you drive and they can easily find out how much it costs); the second requires you to see and assess yourself according to what you choose to value. The first is reactive, the second is creative.

anita