Dear Lily Margarette:

“My husband is selfish. He can never put himself in any one else’s position but his own…   I kept my feelings to myself. But.. later today…on the weekend of our daughter’s religious presentation… I’m fuming… I’m really angry now… Now.. the sulking will begin, the slamming doors and being rude… How do I keep my cool? ..my daughter will be upset considering everyone else will be there with their families..”–

– You asked how do you keep your cool because you can put yourself in your 3 children’s shoes (ages 14, 11 and 8, this coming September), and you know how damaging expressed anger in the home is to children, your own children, more damaging than a father not showing up to a religious presentation. Your job, as a mother, is indeed to keep the home as calm as possible because this is what your children need.

Therefore, for as long as you live with your husband in the home, please see to it that your children are not threatened by slamming doors and rude voices and words. Perhaps you can see a medical doctors for a prescription to help you keep calm at this time, temporarily, for now?

Thank you for caring to keep your cool, this is what a good mother does.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

I re-read through our 3- page communication this Mon morning (Mon night your time, I believe). Any news since you posted last on April 3, following having received EN’s response to your message, saying that she is not interested in friendship?

anita

Dear Robi:

Thank you for wishing me well. “A few days ago I talked to my parents and I told them I don’t feel that good here and I’m considering going back to Warsaw… they kept telling me over and over that I should stay here because there are more and better opportunities for me here – reminding me how I used to complain about living in Warsaw ( with my girlfriends mother, the flat, the weather, etc. )“- (1) lesson learned (?): don’t complain to them anymore about living in Warsaw (or anywhere else), it’s not fair to them, really, (2) I don’t see greater opportunities for you in Spain than in Warsaw, being that teaching English in Spain didn’t pay much (and caused you headaches), and being a waiter there- I assume you can do that in Warsaw.

“The days that followed I kept thinking and rethinking.. not really being able to fully decide anything… Before I bought it I felt like I wanted to go to Warsaw“- it’s been a pattern: feeling badly in location A and missing location B => deciding to go back to location B and buying the ticket =>  doubting and regretting the decision.  It’s almost as if every place you live in feels like the storage-glass-door-room where you grew up, or your parents’-workplace where you had to wait for hours. You feel trapped in a place and needing to get out of the trap.. only to get re-trapped someplace else…?

“If I go to Warsaw, for a while I would have to live with her mother..  and that doesn’t feel great.. also knowing she’s not very comfortable I’ll be back there – she felt quite offended by my behaviour ( not liking it there and knowing she was the reason ). I don’t really have another option at the moment. Whenever I manage to have an income there we’ll try to find a better solution“- talking today about not being fair to parents, it really isn’t fair to her mother, for you to make her feel unwanted in her own home. I understand that you don’t choose how you feel about her, but if you live in her home, you have to behave kindly and respectfully toward her.

I hope that your time ad conversations with your girlfriend, very soon, will help you think more clearly and feel some peace of mind and heart.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome. Yes, please, let us keep in contact. I will write more Mon morning (it is Sun evening here).

anita

Dear Tom:

You shared about your last company back in May- June, 2019, five years ago:  “I have accepted the new role and am looking forward to the move. I am currently working my notice in my current position” (June 12, 2019)

Today: “After 5 years with my last company, I took a new job offer around and am now 4 weeks in, about to start my 5th week… It’s a well paid job so I feel there is pressure to deliver and make it work. My partner and myself have a mortgage etc. so its not as simple as going to find another job. I feel my confidence is draining while I am there, and I come home unhappy etc. with it impacting my sleep. I know its only been 4 weeks and I will of course give it more time but any tips/words would be appreciated. Thanks“-

– You are welcome, and I am glad you posted again. My tip: Anxiety Management.

Psychology today/ strategies to manage anxiety: “Anxiety can feel like a monster that is out of control and you have no way of conquering it: nothing could be further from the truth. You can make choices to reduce your anxiety. You have the power. By adopting these seven strategies and restructuring your habits, the anxiety monster gets less scary and slowly loses its power. Schedule/Routine:… Awareness:…Deep Breathing:…”

Healthline/ how to cope with anxiety: “If you deal with anxiety, there are strategies you can use to help manage immediate symptoms, as well as long-term methods to combat recurring issues…  Low impact exercises like walking, yoga, and tai-chi can often help people to reduce stress and manage anxiety symptoms… If anxiety is a regular part of your life, it’s important to find treatment strategies to help you keep it in check. If you’re unsure where to start, discussing options with a mental health professional who might suggest something you hadn’t thought of before… If your anxiety is severe enough that your mental health professional believes you’d benefit from medication, there are several directions, depending on your symptoms. Discuss your concerns with your doctor…”.

I hope you post again, Tom, and that we can communicate here for awhile.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are welcome. I am beginning to understand better how terrible the scholarship application fiasco was for you, how powerless you felt in an unfair situation, which indeed breeds rage! I doubted it before, that a scholarship application being stalled can be a trauma, resulting in post traumatic stress disorder. I changed my mind: in your case, it was traumatic!

“I was in a loop of enraging memories a few minutes ago as well. It becomes very difficult to not let the emotions take over, it is even interfering with my studies at time.. I took that anger on myself… I was taking some revenge by hurting myself… I began feeling anger towards life itself… I would like to know more about solving this unresolved anger“- angry, enraged, traumatized Kshitij.

“I too feel a lack of self compassion in me, I feel that the only person who would look down on Kshitij is Kshitij himself… I judge myself. It’s me who fixes my self worth on my external achievements and my work… I cannot do what is required for me to find some peace and solace“- Kshitij means “born of the earth”, or “horizon” in Sanskrit. The name signifies (so I read) the point where the sky and sea appear to meet, creating a beautiful and symbolic connection between earth and sky.

May your trauma and the rage it bred, evaporate as it meets the sky,; may it dissolve into the big blue, beautiful sky. You are a good person, Kshitij. I value you as a person, not as a student and professional.. just as a person. I don’t want you to suffer anymore. Please, give yourself the peace and solace that (I say!) you deserve!

anita

Dear Lily Margarette:

Welcome back to the forums. I am sorry that you are still suffering.

“My husband is selfish… He’s insensitive… He’s… verbally abusive and a bully… verbally and emotionally abusive… He has narcissistic tendencies“- We communicated back in Sept 2021. You were very unhappily married for 11 years at the time, a stay at home mom with 3 kids, having terrible relationships with your husband and with his family. We talked about you leaving your husband and staying with your family of origin, while legally separating from him, but you said that your family wasn’t able to accommodate you and your kids.

Back in Sept, 2021, you shared (I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes): “I’m a full-time housewife and don’t feel as if I could cope financially if I were to split up from my husband. I used to work before I had kids but that was 10 years ago, and feel completely terrified of ‘going out to work’ again. I’ve tried various things to help me, taking online courses, even starting freelance work for a little bit, but I felt out of my depth and scared of failing. I think feeling dependent on him makes me feel trapped in a very unhappy situation“.

In Feb,  2022, you shared: “I do feel so incredibly regretful that I never had a proper career set up for myself. I’m educated and always worked (but nothing leading to a specific career), but when I had kids I gave all that up. I’m completely stuck in a rut because I can’t see me ever being able to be independent and having a job anymore. I’m so envious of working mothers because they have the confidence to work. I don’t even know what work I would do as I’m 44 now. I’m getting on. I don’t feel I have any skills to give. I feel lost”.

Your last words before posting today, were on Feb 15, 2022: “I would like help in being able to build my self-esteem in order to sort myself put with earning money. I think if I did this I wouldn’t feel so trapped and helpless. The problem is I have no idea how to do this.”

Two years and 3 months later (today), you shared: “”I’m fuming… I’m really angry now… Now it’s me causing problems apparently. The sulking will begin, the slamming doors and being rude“-

– I think that your fear (feeling completely terrified, scared of failing) together with the feeling-belief of helplessness/ powerlessness results in you feeling doomed to be trapped and stuck forevermore (trapped in a very unhappy situation, completely stuck in a rut, trapped and helpless), and that makes you ANGRY.

The function of anger is to fight yourself out of a trap (to solve problems), but when the anger doesn’t serve its purpose day after day, month after month, year after year, and you remain trapped, problems unsolved, what happens to the anger?

It doesn’t go away, it lies right under the surface and whenever it gets triggered, it erupts like lava out of a volcano, an overreaction to the events that trigger it.

Psychology today/ learned helplessness: “Learned helplessness occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so… The perception that one cannot control the situation essentially elicits a passive response to the harm that is occurring”, passive and angry?

“How do I handle this?… How do I keep my cool?“- calm yourself today, one moment, one day at a time, and prepare to exit the trap: look for resources to free yourself from your very unhappy marriage. Believe that it is possible. Can you?

anita