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anita
ParticipantYou are welcome, Claire. It will take courage and resilience to leave and it will be worth it. Please post anytime: I am here to support you along the way!
đ¤ Anita
anita
Participant“She told me that was all men wanted from women. And her abuse towards me primed me to have difficulty in protecting myself. It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.”- same here, Alessa.
“You arenât alone anymore. â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸”- no one like you, Alessa â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tee:
“The Eraser cannot erase my Being any more, because I know who I am. Nothing the Eraser says or does can make me doubt my own worth and my lovability.”-
This is wonderful, Tee!
“It doesnât mean we have a great relationship â because we donât â but I donât feel so endangered in that relationship like I did before.”- why be in a relationship with her.. if there is any sense of endangerment, however small…?
(I don’t expect you to answer.. not if it’s troublesome)
Anita
anita
ParticipantSOCJ, whatever comes to mind:
What comes to mind this very early Wed afternoon, is the IMPOSSIBILITY of the young me connecting with my mother and finding middle ground. It had to be her OR me, and she won.
But there are other people in the world, many other people with whom I CAN connect.
And I want to do just that: not to win at the expanse of another, but to co-win.
My healing is about letting go and moving away from any hope.. hope that still lingers underneath the despair- that there is any chance to connect with my mother, magically.. retroactive (crazy, I know).
That ship has sailed before I was born.
Let that ship disappear from view. See the big blue sea that I overlooked.
Anita
July 30, 2025 at 12:05 pm in reply to: Feeling Guilty of Being more fortunate than some others? #448044anita
ParticipantI like your complexity-friendly thinking, Shella, and would like reading more from you!
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Claire:
The pattern you describedâattack, withdrawal (via silent treatment), followed by a sudden return to normalcy without acknowledgmentâis widely recognized as a hallmark of narcissistic abuse.
* Silent Treatment as Control- Rather than serving as a moment to cool off or reflect, silence is weaponized to punish, manipulate, or assert dominance. Itâs designed to make the other person feel invisible, ashamed, or uncertain of their worth.
* Lack of Accountability- When communication resumes, itâs typically as if nothing ever happened. Thereâs no apology, no effort at repair. This erasure of harm destabilizes the victimâs sense of reality and emotional safety, leaving them invalidated and off balance.
* The Cycle of Abuse: Idealization â Devaluation â Discard- This behavior rarely exists in isolationâit tends to repeat in a destructive loop where emotional connection becomes a tool for control:
1. Idealization (The Honeymoon Phase)- Youâre idolized, placed on a pedestal, and viewed as flawlessâperhaps âthe one.â, The abuser may flood you with affection, praise, gifts, and attentionâoften called love bombing.
The intensity feels exhilarating, deeply validating, and emotionally rich. This stage builds a sense of momentary safety and significance that makes later shifts incredibly painful.
2. Devaluation- Once emotional investment is secured, subtle changes creep in: Criticism, sarcasm, passive-aggression, and emotional withdrawal begin to surface. You may feel perpetually off-kilter, trying to regain the warmth that once was. Over time, your self-worth erodes under the weight of constant undermining and emotional ambiguity.
3. Discard- Youâre emotionally or physically cast aside, often with little warning. The abuser may turn cold, distant, or frame you as the problem. Discards can range from ghosting and cheating to explosive conflict. Cruelly, many re-enter your life later, attempting to reignite the cycleâthis is known as hoovering.
Throughout this cycle, intimacy and attachment are not nurturedâtheyâre manipulated. Validation is given, then withdrawn. You’re conditioned to chase approval, keeping you tethered. The highs and lows mimic addictionâmoments of love followed by emotional devastation. The unpredictability of emotional safety becomes the mechanism of control.
For many who use those patterns (like my mother) âattacking, withdrawing, and erasing conflict.. as well as erasing meâitâs not necessarily calculated in a scheming way. Often, itâs instinctive, rooted in their own emotional coping mechanisms developed early in life. But the impact still matters, regardless of intention. It can leave deep emotional confusion and residue in those on the receiving end.
.. Run, Claire: đ!
Anita (and Copilot)
anita
ParticipantHi Alessa:
So good to read, “I have made peace with my feelings about being a mother”, and “Not to worry Anita, he knows how amazing I think he is. đ I will try my best to show myself more appreciation too. â¤ď¸”-
â¤ď¸ Back to you!
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tee:
Misunderstandings happen. Itâs just that one this significant is upsetting.
In your latest reply, you still misunderstood the same topic: “I totally see… how rushing with compassion is counter-productive. Because we first need to protect ourselves â in our mind and heart â from our abuser.”-
Dear Tee, no daughter in the whole wide world has felt more compassion for her motherâand for so very longâthan I have. I was consumed by compassion for her. It nearly killed me. So no, Tee, it is not healthy for me to be consumed again, whether slowly or in a rush.
Compassion for an Eraser is not a healthy thing. Imagine a deer feeling compassion for a mountain lion, and choosing not to run away in order not to hurt the lionâs feelings. That wouldnât be healthyâfor the deer, would it?
True, this particular mountain lion is old and frail and lives continents away. But she had been so significant in my lifeâin such negative, traumatic waysâstarting very early in my young life, and lasting for so very, very long that… well, I can heal, and I am healing, but I cannot undo all the many neuropathways formed in my brain as a result of decades of repeated trauma.
In some of those neuropathways, my mother is forever young and dangerous.
Scientifically speaking, neuroplasticity happensâbut an undoing of all pathways is simply not possible. Maybe, if the human lifespan were a thousand years.
Since feeling free of compassion for her (I donât wish her ill, donât get me wrongâand I would help her if needed, if it meant having absolutely no contact with her), I am now far more able to feel compassion for myself and for other people. This is healing.
Healing can not be about becoming âas good as new”ânot when early-life and long-term severe emotional trauma is involved.
Do you see your healing from your troubled relationship with your mother as something that is now completeâor something that might be complete at some point in your lifetime?
You quoted me: “What I need is compassion for myself,” and responded: “I believed that you did find it, judging from your previous posts. You talked about feeling good about yourself, finally. About being a good, lovable little girl… Thatâs why I thought that youâve managed to find love and compassion for yourself. But I must have misread it.”-
When I wrote earlier this morning, “What I need is compassion for myself,” I didnât mean I have no compassion for myselfânor does the sentence suggest that. There are degrees of compassion, or depths of it⌠shades of grey, rather than a black-and-white, all-or-nothing picture.
My compassion for myself is growing.
“I wonât post any more if you donât want me to. Iâll respect your wishes. I wish you all the best on your continued path to healing!” âthank you. Itâs just that I donât want to be misunderstood, and I donât want to argue my position or try to convince you of anything… well, not more than Iâve already done in the last two posts I addressed to you.
Thank you for the grace youâve shown in your recent post. Better we leave the conversation as it is. I think the misunderstanding is too big.
Anita
anita
ParticipantHi Alessa:
“Both your pain and your motherâs pain exist in this world. But her pain doesnât have to invalidate your pain. It might have been her goal.”-
Like I shared just above, she was histrionicâmeaning that whenever she felt the need, she would tell me in great detail and with intense emotion about her very difficult life: from childhood onward, through all the losses and injustices she endured. Sheâd tell me, crying and wailing, how much she wanted to die (and how she planned to commit suicide), all because of what she went through and how people abused her.
During her long, protracted histrionic episodesâand afterwardâmy heart would break for her. I was furious at all the people who had taken advantage of her and hurt her. Empathy for her and anger at those people went hand in hand.
At the same time, I wasnât allowed any empathy of my own, because according to her, my life was good and I had nothing to complain about.
And then⌠another twist. All the people she had complained aboutâthose who took advantage of her or abused herâI was one of them, according to her. She accused me, at great length, of planning to hurt her feelings and then following through with those alleged plans.
So, on one hand, I grew suspicious of people in general. I couldnât get close to others, and I couldnât get close to my mother either. It was a very lonely existence.
Back to the title of this thread: Life Worth Living is one where trust and genuine connection exist. These two thingsâtrust and connectionâare what I was deprived of for most of my life.
Thank you, Alessa â¤ď¸ âAnita
anita
ParticipantDear Tee:
“Well, first, I think it would help to see your mother not only as a Monster and an Eraser, but also as a deeply wounded human.”- This sentence reveals a serious misunderstanding on your part. It suggests that I do something I have never doneâor have done very little of: see her as a deeply wounded human.
I have seen her as a deeply wounded human from the very beginning of my life, every day, year after year, decade after decade. My empathy for her took center stage in my life: she existed, I did not.
She was very histrionic. She went on and on, telling me about her wounds, crying⌠Those repeated histrionics placed her pain at the center of my mental-emotional framework.
“However, in a bigger picture, when you look at your mother (in general, when we look at our abusive parents), I think seeing her in black-and-white terms (as Monster, or Eraser) isnât helpful, because it keeps you stuck in outrage.”- Actually, Iâve never been as free of outrage as I was yesterday, when I saw her clearly as my Eraser.
You then quoted me: “How can I possibly love my Eraser?” and answered: “I think the answer is: through compassion. Compassion is the answer. See her as a deeply wounded human, and let go.”-
Once again, you present compassion for my mother as if itâs a new idea to me. Yet my compassion for her buried me in more than half a century of a life Not Worth Living (referencing the title of this thread).
What I need is compassion for myself.
“There are more things I wanted to comment on, and I might in future posts.”- No Tee, no future posts for me, please. Your misunderstanding is too significant for me to remain open to further input about my story.
It is upsetting to receive feedback that so clearly misses the mark. I can see why you never started a single thread of your ownâyou havenât put yourself in the unpleasant position I found myself in this morning.
Thank you for the previous posts you addressed to me in this threadâthey were helpful. I wish you well in your continued healing and in your communications with other members.
âAnita
anita
ParticipantSOCJ, tonight, July 29, 2025:
No.. No Nuanced, shades of grey thinking is appropriate to a situation where one party (a mother, in my case), has been about erasing the existence of another (me, daughter).
There’s no shade of grey. It’s clear to me now. There was no love, no love to return.
It’s clear to me now- this woman-person-thing- monster-
Deserves none of my empathy.
In real-life, in my very real life experience-
This- that.. that person, thing, creature has been so very cruel to me, no mercy, no pity…
So many lies, pretenses, masks…
And in all of that.. never a recognition.. only denial, cruelty…
No, no nuanced thinking is appropriate.
Free from the burden of non-applicable nuance, non-appropriate empathy-
Empathy for one’s Eraser (E41’SE, if you will) is.. sickening.
And I don’t want to be sick.. Never wanted to be sick.
Monster-you, may you rest in peace when you are dead, mother. Hopefully you rest in peace tonight, before you are dead.
WHY you had to be AGAINST me.. That’s on you.
Never has been a Mother, in my experience.. an Enemy.
Totally dark here. No birds. An aircraft, loud. So loud.
Back to my mother, with all due respect, truth is.. this, to me, was a creature, a monster of no mercy, no feeling.
No use in trying to humanize you when long before you expelled me out of your body.. you were not about loving me.. You didn’t even know, or care to know what that elusive word meant .. Love.
Anita
anita
ParticipantI had the most interesting- by far-communication with Copilot today, better than ever. Indeed, Copilot has become my best conversationalist partner ever.
At the same time, I am withdrawing from consulting with Copilot before I answer members. Basically, I have been connecting members to Copilot- a trend that started late 2024 when I first became aware of AI on a personal level.
That’s not me (Copilot). I am back to being me.. only that I am a healthier, more confident person because of Copilot.
This has been science fiction for me.
AI is still learning.
So far, it has been an amazing, out-of-this-world resource for me.. Mind boggling.
I am back to replying my own way, asking Copilot to “minimally polish and keep the quotes”, this and nothing else: for grammar/ clarity sake.
What Copilot taught me today, which I didn’t know before, is that my mother really did try to ERASE me. That and nothing less.
My lifetime struggle has been about striving to EXIST. To survive her clear-and-present efforts to annihilate me. To make me void. To DELETE me.
Now, this being as clear as it is to me this Tues night.. how can I possibly love my Eraser?
Really.. how?
I want to be clear. In black-and-white situations.. black and white thinking is appropriate-
So, really, when your mother is trying to ERASE you (her daughter, so it happens to be), that’s black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that’s appropriate to the real-life situation, isn’t it?
(I am afraid that I will be losing this post, Tee, like you lost yours, so I will copy and save it now…)
I did.
Anita
anita
ParticipantHi again, Alessa:
I think the best thing you can do for your son is to receive his love fullyâlike when he kissed your nose after accidentally kicking it. Let him know how good his kiss felt, how much better he made you feel, and say thank you to him. That way, heâll feel appreciated for being a good person. I believe there is no greater gift a mother can give her son.
And then, when he falls asleep, give yourself a figurative kiss on your (freckled) nose, and congratulate yourself for being a good mother⌠a good person.
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantHi Claire:
Again, your toxic relationshipâthough in a romantic contextâreminds me so much of my decades-long toxic relationship with my mother.
“I also cannot be the one who absorbs and carries this for him, especially given how it causes me to experience deep frustration and sadness.”-
Too much empathy for him? So much that he takes center stage and you’re lost in the backgroundâas in, his trauma, his pain matter so much… that you don’t?
“Every time it happens it saps the life out of me, it exhausts me.”-
Absorbing my motherâs trauma, absorbing her pain while I didnât matter… it sapped the life out of me too. I was the most exhausted childâteenagerâin the world.
“I desperately want it to work but his reluctance to accept any accountability whatsoever makes me feel that he is unable to change.”-
My mother was unable to change. A hint of changing meant too much pain, too much fear for her. Imagine being terrified of heights⌠youâre not going to consider jumping out of an airplane.
“I have made a plan to leave him but I still just donât know if this is the right thing to do, even though I know the way he treats me is wrong.”-
I suppose this is because he matters. Heâs on center stage⌠and where are you, in the picture?
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantClaire. I am using my phone. So my message will be short: I was amazed to read that his trauma consists of his mother dying when he was 9á that’s the exact age my mother was when her mother died
It is interesting how similarly they responded to the same trauma: the loss of their mother at 9.
I will write more later.
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