Dear Shinnen/John:

You are welcome, and thank you for your reply. I need to have more time and focus to thoroughly read and reply, and so, I will be back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear freddo:

Thank you for organizing your update so well, so it’s easy to read. Ex moved to France 5 years ago, the two of you get along so well, and you share custody of the kids- good thing that she didn’t go back to Argentina with your kids!

“The boys seem to be adjusting well to the situation. There’s a lot of trust and mutual respect between us”- Trust and mutual Respect.. these are major. I had experienced neither growing up.

“My ex met someone new, and I’m genuinely fine with it. Honestly, I’d rather see her happy here than feeling miserable and wanting to go back to Argentina“- On Oct 26, 2018, I wrote to you: “If she found an interest in a man in France, that would be best, if she switched her attachment from the man in Argentina to someone in France”, and it happened, good thing!

“Whenever I do have time, I spend it with my kids—and I’m not looking for anyone to come in and disrupt that“- I am handing you The Best Father Award.

“Ever since I was a child, and even as an adult, I’ve always wanted to run a free circus for underprivileged or troubled kids… I’ve traveled to Moldova, Romania, Poland, and Ukraine twice, and I just returned from Armenia. I’ve performed over 200 magic shows, bringing smiles and laughter to thousands of children… And it’s not easy because I have no support. I pay for all of my trips and take on my vocation. But it’s priceless“- this is amazing! I didn’t read this part until a few moments ago,

WOW !!!

“I used to think that letting go meant suppressing my feelings so they wouldn’t overwhelm me. But now, for me, letting go is like being in the ocean: rather than desperately trying to reach the shore, it’s about floating, gazing at the horizon, and trusting that, eventually, you’ll reach safer ground“-  I am going to take this thought with me today wherever I go, and let it sink in, thank you!

“I hope my story can help anyone feeling low. I know that sometimes it feels like your world is shattering, but life is stronger, and so are we… believe it or not. -‘The best is yet to come!’ Love“- thank you for this uplifting update, freddo. Thank you for choosing ❤️ for your children, for their mother, for all the children you entertain!

anita

Dear Jana:

You are welcome!

“Could you elaborate more on the point you made in your post here: ‘when we encounter repeated aggression as children and without correction/ support throughout many years, we don’t heal completely. Part of the damage done cannot be undone…’ ? Do you mean it is unlikely to heal completely?“- the Emotional Flooding and Toxic Stress that is involved when a child is being repeatedly exposed to aggression in the home, when the aggressor is a parent and there’s no one to protect the child, interrupt normal brain development. In my case, as a result of my experience with my mother, I developed a tic disorder (Tourette Syndrome), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and learning disabilities, all within my first 5- 7 years of life.

My first quality psychotherapy took place in 2011-13 and I have used these forums since May 2015 as a place of healing. There’s  healing that took place for me, and still takes place. Unfortunately, I cannot undo the Tourette Syndrome, nor the ADD, nor the learning disabilities. 

As far as your examples, the two neighbors you shared about seem unreasonable, and the 2nd seems disturbed and unpredictable, someone to stay away from.

“I also lost two of my students because they both told me that I am too kind and that it was not motivating for them“- this reads strange to me: kindness would have motivated me. Maybe they meant that they need rules, structure, strictness and authority in the learning context, and your style is lenient.

anita

One more thing, Jana: thank you for the note addressed to me, and welcome to the forums!

anita

Dear Bozo:

I will repeat what you shared (some of your words are in boldface) and offer you my thoughts.

You shared that your husband is soft and kind to a fault–

– to a fault means that you find fault in him being too soft, too kind, that you perceive his kindness and softness, which are usually positive traits, as excessive, leading him, I figure, to not be assertive enough when the situation calls for it..?

* Excessive kindness and overly accommodating others, in some people’s minds (not in everyone’s mind), come off as lacking confidence, of being weak and submissive, especially when it comes to men whose traditional gender role/ societal role emphasizes traits like confidence, strength ad assertiveness.

You shared that you married your husband a few months ago. In the office building where you work there is a gorgeous guy to whom you are attracted and with whom you have some sort of chemistry. You are wondering, what if he’s a better match? for you, whether the two of you are soulmates.

“I never felt that chemical-induced attraction to my husband. What we have is a deeper bond obviously, but more of an emotional one, whereas this guy caused sparks as soon as I saw him“-

– the sparks you feel for this man, a man you haven’t been with yet, these sparks are driven by a change in the levels of chemicals produced in the brain (neurotransmitters): Dopamine levels increase, creating feelings of excitement and anticipation, making interactions with the person feel thrilling.

Norepinephrine levels increase as well, causing- when in the company of the object of attraction> it causes a rush of the hormone adrenaline, which increases heart-rate, cause sweaty palms, and the “butterflies in the stomach” sensation.

Serotonin (the “feel good” neurotransmitter) levels drop in the beginning of attraction, leading to feelings of anxiety , dissatisfaction, or general unhappiness when away from the object of attraction, causing one to focus on and obsessively think about the object of attraction, and when imagining being with him,  or being physically close to him (although not with him, alone) there are feelings of euphoria and excitement.

Why do you feel this way (why this chemical cocktail) for this man (I’ll refer to him as M) but not for your husband (I’ll refer to him as H)?

(1) The Gorgeous Factor: you mentioned that M (not H) is gorgeous. I am guessing that in your perception, H is not gorgeous, at least, not close to how gorgeous M is. I figure that M’s physical looks was a trigger for the chemical cocktail mentioned above.

(2) The Mystery and Novelty Factor: the unknown can be incredibly alluring, leaving a lot to the imagination, which can heighten feelings of attraction. Some of the things that you experienced within H in real-life (examples, perhaps: how he smells when sweaty and in need for a shower, how he snores at times, if he does), you didn’t experience yet with M.

(3) Psychological Factors: M who you don’t know yet, a stranger in almost every way, represent something that you long for. Maybe you are usually slightly depressed, or bored, and M represents Excitement, something different than the ordinary.

Maybe m represents an idealized idea of a perfect match/ a soulmate, the one that is portrayed in fairy tales you may have grown up with, or in romance novels and movies: The One with whom you will always be happy (“and they lived happily ever after“).

Mabe something about the way he looks, moves, maybe his voice..  reminds you of someone you knew and admired as a child.

“(I)  hate myself plenty… Anyways, what do I do? Should I leave my job? Should I leave my husband? Should I try to get to know the person in question? Please please refrain from hate because I genuinely feel broken and damaged and really really selfish for being in this situation and having these thoughts. I genuinely feel very lost and upset.“-

– Self hate will lead you in the wrong direction. Shift from a judgmental attitude toward yourself (judging yourself as selfish and hateworthy) to => => => an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Self-empathy will lead you in the right direction.

Before you make any real-life decision while under-the-influence of neurotransmitters and hormones, figure out what it is that draws you to M: what is it that he represents in your mind and heart?

Look within: what is the origin of your dissatisfaction in life, marital or otherwise: is it a lonely childhood/ a lonely adolescence which produced an early craving for a perfect/ idealized (and unrealistic) union with another person, a union where you will never again be alone..?

is it something else?

anita

Dear bozo: No worries- no harsh response, no hate response from me. I’ll be back to you on about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear me:

This is a difficult time for you and for your father. I hope that he is made to feel as comfortable as possible by the medical team that is treating him. I know that your relationship with him wasn’t easy, and this is a painful and challenging time for you. It’s okay to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. Grief can be really complicated. If you need to talk more, to express yourself, please do, anytime.

I am thinking of you and hoping that you find some peace and comfort. You are a good, worthy person who cares for and  helps other people. You deserve peace of mind at this time, and at any other time.

anita

Dear Brian:

How are you? Last you posted was a reply to me on May 8 this year, almost six months ago (on your Is Life Itself Divine? thread). There you shared that you haven’t given up on connecting with people, that you still have a couple friends that you meet with regularly, and (in regard to your concern about people being ingenuous), you wrote: “I try to remind myself to focus on the intent of what people say rather than specific words. Most people aren’t trying to be disingenuous and use certain phrases out of habit.“-

– an excellent point. For example, when a person asks in a friendly way, upon coming across another person, How are you? while not having thought about the person at all before the meeting, or when a person says to a stranger: it was great talking to you! (while it wasn’t good or bad), these are phrases/ wordings said out of habit, common social niceties that help maintain politeness and smooth interactions. Even though they are not genuine, the are positive because of the intent behind them, a positive intent. And because these phrases do work when it comes to maintaining smooth interactions between people.

Dear Panditdevsharma:

I need your positive thinking post today, the day after (U.S.) elections day, so thank you: “Keeping hope through challenges is about looking for solutions, finding joy in small moments… (it) fosters growth, resilience, and strong relationships… It’s a powerful choice.”

I like what you posted Oct 9: “ Love often shines through in our connections with others. Acts of kindness, compassion, and support among friends and family can be seen as expressions of God’s love.“,

Sept 11: “In order to do what you love with joy, it’s important to align your actions with your passions and values… Focus on the process rather than the outcome, and approach each task with a mindset of gratitude and curiosity. Set small, achievable goals that inspire progress and celebrate every step forward“,

Aug 28: “Spiritual awakening often involves significant personal growth and transformation, but it can also bring emotional and sometimes physical pain. This pain occurs because awakening challenges your old beliefs, patterns, and attachments. As you let go of these old ways, you might experience discomfort, confusion, or sadness, which can be overwhelming.”

Jan 22 (the following can apply to a political disagreement) : ” 1. Stay Calm:... 2. Educate: Share information… calmly and respectfully to dispel misconceptions. 3. Express Boundaries: … request respectful discussions. 4. Focus on Common Ground: Emphasize shared values and similarities rather than differences. 5. Lead by Example: Demonstrate the principles of compassion and understanding… 6. Seek Dialogue: Encourage open-minded conversations to foster mutual understanding. 7. Surround Yourself: Connect with like-minded individuals who respect diversity to create a supportive environment.”

I hope to read more and more from you, Panditdevsharma!

anita