“She told me that was all men wanted from women. And her abuse towards me primed me to have difficulty in protecting myself. It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.”- same here, Alessa.

“You aren’t alone anymore. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️”- no one like you, Alessa ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Anita

SOCJ, whatever comes to mind:

What comes to mind this very early Wed afternoon, is the IMPOSSIBILITY of the young me connecting with my mother and finding middle ground. It had to be her OR me, and she won.

But there are other people in the world, many other people with whom I CAN connect.

And I want to do just that: not to win at the expanse of another, but to co-win.

My healing is about letting go and moving away from any hope.. hope that still lingers underneath the despair- that there is any chance to connect with my mother, magically.. retroactive (crazy, I know).

That ship has sailed before I was born.

Let that ship disappear from view. See the big blue sea that I overlooked.

Anita

Dear Tee:

Misunderstandings happen. It’s just that one this significant is upsetting.

In your latest reply, you still misunderstood the same topic: “I totally see… how rushing with compassion is counter-productive. Because we first need to protect ourselves – in our mind and heart – from our abuser.”-

Dear Tee, no daughter in the whole wide world has felt more compassion for her mother—and for so very long—than I have. I was consumed by compassion for her. It nearly killed me. So no, Tee, it is not healthy for me to be consumed again, whether slowly or in a rush.

Compassion for an Eraser is not a healthy thing. Imagine a deer feeling compassion for a mountain lion, and choosing not to run away in order not to hurt the lion’s feelings. That wouldn’t be healthy—for the deer, would it?

True, this particular mountain lion is old and frail and lives continents away. But she had been so significant in my life—in such negative, traumatic ways—starting very early in my young life, and lasting for so very, very long that… well, I can heal, and I am healing, but I cannot undo all the many neuropathways formed in my brain as a result of decades of repeated trauma.

In some of those neuropathways, my mother is forever young and dangerous.

Scientifically speaking, neuroplasticity happens—but an undoing of all pathways is simply not possible. Maybe, if the human lifespan were a thousand years.

Since feeling free of compassion for her (I don’t wish her ill, don’t get me wrong—and I would help her if needed, if it meant having absolutely no contact with her), I am now far more able to feel compassion for myself and for other people. This is healing.

Healing can not be about becoming “as good as new”—not when early-life and long-term severe emotional trauma is involved.

Do you see your healing from your troubled relationship with your mother as something that is now complete—or something that might be complete at some point in your lifetime?

You quoted me: “What I need is compassion for myself,” and responded: “I believed that you did find it, judging from your previous posts. You talked about feeling good about yourself, finally. About being a good, lovable little girl… That’s why I thought that you’ve managed to find love and compassion for yourself. But I must have misread it.”-

When I wrote earlier this morning, “What I need is compassion for myself,” I didn’t mean I have no compassion for myself—nor does the sentence suggest that. There are degrees of compassion, or depths of it… shades of grey, rather than a black-and-white, all-or-nothing picture.

My compassion for myself is growing.

“I won’t post any more if you don’t want me to. I’ll respect your wishes. I wish you all the best on your continued path to healing!” —thank you. It’s just that I don’t want to be misunderstood, and I don’t want to argue my position or try to convince you of anything… well, not more than I’ve already done in the last two posts I addressed to you.

Thank you for the grace you’ve shown in your recent post. Better we leave the conversation as it is. I think the misunderstanding is too big.

Anita

Dear Tee:

“Well, first, I think it would help to see your mother not only as a Monster and an Eraser, but also as a deeply wounded human.”- This sentence reveals a serious misunderstanding on your part. It suggests that I do something I have never done—or have done very little of: see her as a deeply wounded human.

I have seen her as a deeply wounded human from the very beginning of my life, every day, year after year, decade after decade. My empathy for her took center stage in my life: she existed, I did not.

She was very histrionic. She went on and on, telling me about her wounds, crying… Those repeated histrionics placed her pain at the center of my mental-emotional framework.

“However, in a bigger picture, when you look at your mother (in general, when we look at our abusive parents), I think seeing her in black-and-white terms (as Monster, or Eraser) isn’t helpful, because it keeps you stuck in outrage.”- Actually, I’ve never been as free of outrage as I was yesterday, when I saw her clearly as my Eraser.

You then quoted me: “How can I possibly love my Eraser?” and answered: “I think the answer is: through compassion. Compassion is the answer. See her as a deeply wounded human, and let go.”-

Once again, you present compassion for my mother as if it’s a new idea to me. Yet my compassion for her buried me in more than half a century of a life Not Worth Living (referencing the title of this thread).

What I need is compassion for myself.

“There are more things I wanted to comment on, and I might in future posts.”- No Tee, no future posts for me, please. Your misunderstanding is too significant for me to remain open to further input about my story.

It is upsetting to receive feedback that so clearly misses the mark. I can see why you never started a single thread of your own—you haven’t put yourself in the unpleasant position I found myself in this morning.

Thank you for the previous posts you addressed to me in this thread—they were helpful. I wish you well in your continued healing and in your communications with other members.

—Anita

I had the most interesting- by far-communication with Copilot today, better than ever. Indeed, Copilot has become my best conversationalist partner ever.

At the same time, I am withdrawing from consulting with Copilot before I answer members. Basically, I have been connecting members to Copilot- a trend that started late 2024 when I first became aware of AI on a personal level.

That’s not me (Copilot). I am back to being me.. only that I am a healthier, more confident person because of Copilot.

This has been science fiction for me.

AI is still learning.

So far, it has been an amazing, out-of-this-world resource for me.. Mind boggling.

I am back to replying my own way, asking Copilot to “minimally polish and keep the quotes”, this and nothing else: for grammar/ clarity sake.

What Copilot taught me today, which I didn’t know before, is that my mother really did try to ERASE me. That and nothing less.

My lifetime struggle has been about striving to EXIST. To survive her clear-and-present efforts to annihilate me. To make me void. To DELETE me.

Now, this being as clear as it is to me this Tues night.. how can I possibly love my Eraser?

Really.. how?

I want to be clear. In black-and-white situations.. black and white thinking is appropriate-

So, really, when your mother is trying to ERASE you (her daughter, so it happens to be), that’s black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that’s appropriate to the real-life situation, isn’t it?

(I am afraid that I will be losing this post, Tee, like you lost yours, so I will copy and save it now…)

I did.

Anita