Dear Clara:

I realized yesterday that it was 6 days since you last posted and was going to submit a how-are-you inquiry post, but knew that I was going to be out for the rest of the day and wouldn’t be able to answer (at least not thoroughly) if you answered on the same day. Good to read from you today, a week following your last post!

“I am slowly adjusting to my pace. I begin to get used to being alone in the house… Yesterday she returned something and put it in the lobby of my building. I don’t know why but I cried immediately when I stepped foot in my flat… She still has something left in my flat“- I wish that she’d return all that belongs to you, and take all that belongs to her, all at once, so to no longer re-ignite your attachment to her. It isn’t fair to you!

“If she came back today, I think I would still want to be together… However, I also feel that I am moving on to find myself and to try to see other people and the world“- a moving on to the New while still attached to the Old: this is what healing from a breakup is about.

“I also got some photos of my family and my travel, and I hang them around the house. I feel this made the flat belongs to me a bit more.“- bit by bit: well done, Clara!

anita

Good Saturday morning, Jasmine. I hope that you and your son have a restful, pleasant weekend. You are welcome to post and share about your thoughts and feelings anytime.

anita

Thank you, Jasmine. I hope that you enjoy your day too!

anita

Dear Jasmine:

Yes, rarely do things go exactly as planned, often not even close to as planned. We need to allow for our own imperfections, and for other people’s imperfections, to  patiently and forgivingly progress, one step forward at a time, just like you wrote.

(I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of the day).

anita

Dear Helcat:

“To feel close to you, I need to know: You value me and our relationship, You’ll respond to me in moments where I reach out to you… You hold me in high esteem, You are willing to see and understand me, My feelings are valid to you, You respect me.. I can trust your love and loyalty, You can trust my love and loyalty“- very well articulated: this is true to me too.

“Growing up, I didn’t have those things. I realised that I literally never had a single person care for my emotional needs as a child“- I could have written this.

“97% of the time our relationship is good“- congratulations for 97%!

“Since having a baby some of the things that have been said during arguments have hurt. Only 3 times. But the pain lingers in that part of me.“- my little prayer: may we forgive ourselves and others whenever possible, wherever  appropriate. In this messy, chaotic world, may we focus on the positive and the orderly (the sane), and may we help each other be better and better people.

anita

Dear jasmine:

“Yes we can think together on how to make that change happen“- making progress is indeed way easier when we feel positive and excited than when we feel negative and depressed. Key is to keep at it regardless of how we feel. Easier said than done, of course. Yet, I see no other way to making progress on an ongoing basis.

“Yes, I still motivate myself daily with positive affirmations“- you can continue to make progress, Jasmine: you have what it takes!

“I started the process already I reached out to my local career center to apply for them to pay for the training class. Once I complete the 6 weeks to 8 weeks of training I receive my certificate. This will not be a overnight process I’d say within the next 6months because of the training payment assistance.“- congratulations for starting the process! So, at this point, you are waiting for the career center to approve your application to have your training class paid for?

anita

Dear butterfly:

You are welcome. This will be a long reply because I will include quotes from all your posts as well as quotes from an online article.

From your recent post: “he is literally physically up and in front of me waving for my attention or tapping on the floor to get my attention. lol“- like a child, a young boy trying to get his busy-mother’s attention, not yet able to regulate his emotions/ to tolerate distress.

“Adapting to him is something I already do a lot“- perhaps Adopting him is something more appropriate to do, lol.

“I think I need to properly assert what is that I am willing to accept and what is not okay to me“- like a mother trying to figure out how to discipline an unruly child.

But the child is a man who doesn’t want to be disciplined/ to grow up. From your previous posts:

“he LOVES when I am here too since he can share everything that happens at his job…  he wants to share that spontaneously, when it happens“- he loves it when his mother is around, so he can tell her everything that happens on the playground: look Mom, Nathan just pushed Sarah down the slide, he shouldn’t have!

“He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this“- he’s always been a child, and he would not change being a child. He doesn’t want to grow up.

“I told him that I would build a wall and separate my office from his physically… He said that he would still open the door and barge in“- like a child: I want to talk to you when I want to. Now!

“he said that it removes all the fun and spontaneous interactions we had“- happy children are about fun and spontaneity, anytime, anywhere.

“Where I went too far was when I said that ‘normal’ people needed time apart and their own space during office hours“- normal children don’t want time apart when they don’t want it. They want it only when they want it.

“I think I am judging him to be clingy and immature“- immature, yes, like a young child.

“I understand that he has some work to do on himself“- I don’t think that he wants to grow up and abide by grown-up rules: that’s not fun!

“He is not able to control his impulsivity (proof of that is the entire past year)“- he doesn’t want to control his impulsivity (whether he is able or not).

“it is my own house, I bought it a month before meeting him. I wanted to do a fixer-upper project“- and you ended up with a fixer-upper boyfriend project (transforming him from boy to man)?

“Am I wrong for trying not to label my boyfriend?“- notice that in this reply, I did not and will not use a psychiatric label for him: there is no need for it.

Back to your recent post:

“I don’t think he is initiating the fights all the time, it’s mostly me being sensitive to his emotional bursts and me trying to fix his behaviour“- a fixer upper project?

“He says so many people always tells him that he always look irritated or grumpy“- because he often doesn’t get his way/ because much of the world is run by grown-up rules..?

“Sometimes, I am not really in the mood myself and I offload, but afterwards I retreat to my little corner and I expected him to do that instead of offloading on me all the time. He has to moderate for god sakes“- he needs time out, doesn’t he, so that he can learn to be by himself when he doesn’t feel like it.

“Both of us are sensitive. I started feeling angry inside more often than not, and maybe that’s a good thing to now be able to feel the anger instead of suppressing it, but I don’t like the frequency of that feeling“- he gets to be a child at your expense.

“He says he is very curious about what I do and says I never tell him anything, but when I start talking he loses focus“- because when you tell him about you, you are not talking about him, and you are keeping him away from.. what he would rather do..?

“I have to deal with feeling unseen a lot“- a mother’s job is to see the child; it’s not the child’s job to see the mother. Indeed parenting, the way it should be, is very much a selfless project.

“I also feel the only things I can do peacefully at home is when I know I’m not going to get interrupted“- like a mother who needs a break from her always- there, always active/ demanding child.

“What issues am I creating myself? I think sometimes I withdraw too much and that creates anxiety for him“- children do get anxious when their mother withdraws.

“the question I ask myself is: are we able to adapt to each other?“- are you willing to adapt to the role of a mother? I don’t think he is willing to adapt to the role of a grown-up.

“I also just booked couple’s therapy. I have been insisting for a few months and he finally gave in“-

– here is something that can help from  Cleveland clinic. org/Peter Pan Syndrome May Have You Saying, ‘I Don’t Want To Grow Up’: “… for some, growing up seems near impossible — so much so, that their immaturity can ruin relationships… Growing up is particularly difficult for people who have what’s popularly known as Peter Pan syndrome… Peter Pan syndrome (PPS), while not a recognized diagnosis, is a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who has difficulty growing up. The term is derived from the fictional character of Peter Pan, a magical boy who never grows old… ‘Much like Peter Pan, these individuals experience a failure to launch or a refusal to grow up… There’s sort of an egocentric nature to them…

“people with PPS will often seek out others who have what’s called Wendy syndrome. Named after… Peter Pan’s friend, Wendy syndrome also isn’t an official diagnosis, but a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who is empathetic, nurturing and even self-sacrificing…. people who are highly nurturing and want to be of service to others…
<p class=”text-gray-800 my-rem16px text-rem19px leading-rem34px ” data-identity=”paragraph-element”>“In the beginning, it’s a match made in heaven. You have someone with PPS who’s really fun and charismatic that draws this other person in, and the person who has Wendy syndrome is able to be there for them, support them and offer suggestions to try to better them. But the problem is that it eventually backfires, and the person with Wendy syndrome inevitably starts to feel taken advantage of… With the Peter Pan and Wendy syndromes, the relationship ultimately falls apart when both people are at odds with each other’s behaviors.</p>
<p class=”text-gray-800 my-rem16px text-rem19px leading-rem34px ” data-identity=”paragraph-element”>“People with Wendy syndrome tend to experience emotional burnout because they’re constantly feeling like they’re giving and giving and not getting anything in return… At the same time, people with PPS may feel that their partner is controlling, trying to change them… As people with PPS have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries, they’ll often jump from one person or relationship to the next in search of people who enable their behaviors…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”For people with Peter Pan syndrome, their distress tolerance is very low, which leads them to avoid certain situations because there’s this tendency to not be able to hold onto or tolerate these more difficult feelings… When conflicts arise or the person who has PPS is confronted about their lack of maturity, even having a healthy, productive conversation may prove to be difficult… Without being able to tolerate distress, it’s really hard to hear any criticism and therefore it becomes really difficult to have mature conflict resolution…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”Like most things related to psychology, the characteristics of Peter Pan syndrome exist on a spectrum, and what’s problematic for some may not be problematic for others… For therapy to work, they need to be willing to recognize and discuss what changes they want for their life and the cost of continuing if they do not make these changes… Often, at the core of entitled and self-centered behavior is very low self-esteem… Therapy can help people improve their self-esteem…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”And often, the core of therapy sessions revolves around increasing one’s distress tolerance… What often happens with people who have a low distress tolerance is that the minute something uncomfortable bubbles up, they push it away. They’re not even really knowing what they’re feeling… So, we start by naming our feelings…  asking yourself questions like: What are you feeling right now? Can you locate in your body where you’re feeling it?… Making space for feelings is challenging for many people because they’re used to pushing them away or distracting themselves from difficult emotions… it’s about staying with that feeling and trying to give it more life as opposed to fleeing from it or avoiding it. By doing this, you’re building that distress tolerance”.</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>End of quotes.</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>anita</p>

Dear Jasmine:

I just finished reading through our 24-page communication on your other thread. A short walk on memory lane:

On March 16-17, 2021, I wrote to you: “As a kid, you had hope for the future, the future held promise, didn’t it? For a child, there is a promise in the air, a promise in the way the sun hits the green grass, or the frost on the ground- that life can be and will be wonderful soon enough. There is an energy in a child, a curiosity, a hope that is hard to extinguish…

“When we are depressed, the feeling-alive, hopeful and curious- these feelings are still in us, masked and muted. Sometimes these feelings come to life just a bit, and we take some action for a better life (ex., exercise so to lose weight and get fit, study for a GED so to get a better job), but these feelings get muted too soon and we find ourselves depressed yet again,  abandoning our efforts to make our lives better. It is very difficult to change this emotional dynamic of short part- awakenings and long-term depression, but it is possible. If you want to, we can think together about how to make this change happen“- I wonder what you think about the above, 3 years and 5 months after I wrote it..?

On Aug 6, 2022, I wrote to you: “Your own success story is your current daily motivation- this is much better than someone else’s success story being your motivation: you succeeded one way=>  you can succeed in another way=> .. and in yet another way, one day at a time, patiently“.

Aug 9: “You are amazing, Emily“.

You wrote on Sept 5, 2022: “One day I’m gonna have a success story to tell because despite of all the pain I endured I’m still improving myself“, and I responded with: “you already have a success story to tell, an ongoing- continuing story. Thank you for telling it!”

You wrote on that day: “My pain makes my success story unique because sometimes I didn’t know how I was going to survive but I always do“, and I responded with: “this sentence should be framed and hung on the wall.. on many walls in many places- for people to read and be inspired by“.

On Oct 5, 2022 you asked me: “why do you think I’m amazing?“, and I answered: “because even though you have had a very difficult life from the very beginning, you are an intelligent, courageous, positive, responsible, resourceful, gracious and honest woman: no ‘poor me’ mentality, no guilt-tripping anyone, no passive-aggressive expressions… and this is very rare! You suffered many misfortunes and lost a lot in life… (yet) You always looked for a higher paying job and a better life for you and for your second child: you bought fitness equipment, read motivational books… You persisted with studying and passing the various tests and in July 27, 2022 (I believe), you earned your GED!“.

On Oct 10, 2023, you deleted your account, and posted for the last time, on that day (following my inquiry): “Dear Anita, I should have mentioned to you that I was taking a break from venting . I still don’t have answers to all my problems. I have made progress but I’m still not where I want to be . Maybe I’ll start a thread…“.

And indeed, you started a new thread ten months and 4 days later, on Aug 14, 2024: “I currently cook at a high school… I’ve had so many jobs, within the last couple of years… I think one of the most meaningful jobs I ever had was my Nursing Assistant Job at age 18.. Long Term Care facilities work schedule don’t work with school hours, but I can afford my bills and there is room for growth“- You had different jobs: a Certified Nursing Assistant, a Cashier, a Security Officer, a Preschool teacher/ assistant, a bus driver, a delivery driver. And the most meaningful job for you was a Certified Nurse Assistant. I hope that you can make it happen, Jasmine! What are the steps to make it happen?

anita