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April 26, 2025 at 10:09 am in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445144
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for your kindness and support—it truly means a lot ❤️
I absolutely understand what you mean about loneliness, and it makes perfect sense to me. For as long as we struggle with low self-worth, rejecting our own emotions, or lacking self-compassion, loneliness becomes an internal reality. Even if others accept and value us, that inner disconnect persists, extending into relationships and making it difficult to truly feel seen and connected.
Your experience with enmeshment sounds incredibly difficult. It’s heartbreaking how intentional it was, how deeply ingrained the expectation was for you to be her mirror. I can understand why that fear of becoming like her weighed so heavily on you. But the fact that you recognized it, stepped back, and reclaimed your own identity is truly powerful.
That saying does ring painfully true. My mother rejected herself so completely that she physically cut off her own head in every picture. As a child, flipping through the photo album and seeing her missing face was profoundly disturbing.
In a way, her ‘love’ for me mirrored that act—she figuratively cut my head off, imposing her shame onto me in a way that harmed my mind, my sense of self, my very ability to think clearly, severing my connection to my own worth, leaving me to reject and feel ashamed of myself, my identity dismantled before I even had the chance to form it.
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly, Alessa. Your insight and reflection mean so much to me, and I deeply admire the strength you’ve shown in reclaiming your own identity. Healing from enmeshment isn’t easy, but the fact that we can have these conversations and support each other is truly powerful.
You are seen. You are valued. You are whole. And I hope you always remember that. 💜
anita
anitaParticipantDear S:
It’s good to hear from you again. One sentence in your third post stood out to me: “Was one of those kids that drew and was considered gifted for it and those side effects do kinda linger.”-
Being labeled as gifted in childhood—especially in a creative field like art—can have lasting psychological effects. When children are praised for their talent, they often internalize the expectation to consistently produce exceptional work. Over time, this can lead to the belief that their worth is tied to their ability to create something extraordinary. If validation from family, teachers, or others primarily centered around their talent, the need to seek personal worth through art can intensify.
Many gifted individuals struggle with perfectionism, fearing that anything short of excellence is a failure. Instead of pursuing art for joy or exploration, they may feel pressured to meet impossibly high standards—where even a good result feels inadequate.
If your early experiences were marked by repeated attempts to achieve the highest levels of success without reaching them, that disappointment may have shaped your mindset. While others build their accomplishments step by step—starting small and working toward something greater—you might feel trapped by the idea that only the biggest successes matter. As a result, instead of progressing steadily, you may feel stuck, unable to build on smaller victories because they don’t seem enough.
Does any of this resonate with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts and explore this topic further together if you’re interested.
anita
April 25, 2025 at 8:12 am in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445132anitaParticipantOh, and the 🌷🌷🌷 are still here—everywhere, though now in their post-blooming stage.
anita
April 25, 2025 at 8:08 am in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445131anitaParticipantDear Yana:
I want to take a moment to truly appreciate the depth of thought and care in your response to me. Over time, I’ve learned to refine the way I engage with others, recognizing the value of thoughtful replies that acknowledge emotions and encourage meaningful conversation. Because of that, I can fully appreciate the strengths in your message—the warmth, self-reflection, and openness you shared.
The way you offered reassurance, invited reflection, and shared your personal experience with healing through love was truly beautiful. It wasn’t just supportive; it created space for deeper dialogue, allowing the conversation to unfold naturally. Your ability to reflect on your own journey and extend that reflection to me is a meaningful skill, and I want to encourage more of it.
Sometimes, a response that validates someone’s feelings rather than dismissing them can be the difference between feeling heard and feeling shut out. I deeply appreciate seeing this side of you, and I hope it’s something you continue to bring to your conversations with others.
It’s powerful that you’ve been able to create something for yourself—a family built on genuine care and understanding, something that contrasts with your early experiences. The realization that you may have allowed yourself to be loved is such an important one. Love isn’t just given—it’s also something we must learn to accept, and it seems like you’ve found a way to do that.
You asked me, “What could help you finally feel whole?”—an excellent question. It was only recently that I was introduced to the concept of Shadow Work, which has been deeply insightful for me. If you’re interested, Lais Stephan’s article “Dancing with Darkness: How to Reclaim Your Whole Self” on the Tiny Buddha homepage explores it beautifully.
The answer to your question is found within the article’s title—dancing with darkness—or, as Stephan writes:
“I realized I had spent years treating my emotions as something to get rid of. But healing isn’t about eliminating pain; it’s about becoming intimate with it. So instead of suppressing my darkness, I started getting to know it… The more I embraced my pain, the less power it had over me… I learned that healing isn’t about reaching some perfect, pain-free version of yourself. It’s about integrating every part of you—even the ones you used to reject.”
Throughout the years on tiny buddha, I’ve shared my feelings, yet at the same time, I unknowingly rejected some of them and failed to acknowledge others—trying to push them away, often feeling shame for experiencing them at all. The shame, judgment, and fear I carried kept them largely repressed or suppressed, preventing them from being truly acknowledged and processed.
But yesterday, when I shared about my childhood and lifelong loneliness, something shifted. For the first time, I felt a sense of acceptance and appreciation for it—no longer rejecting it as something bad. It was like welcoming someone who had long been cast aside into my home. The once-rejected part of me, angry and demanding attention, finally felt seen and accepted—and in that acceptance, the desperate need for validation faded.
Jana, as you reflect on your own journey of healing and self-acceptance, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this approach. Do the principles of Shadow Work resonate with you? Have you experienced moments where embracing your pain rather than rejecting it led to a sense of peace or clarity?
anita
anitaParticipantDear S:
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts—it takes courage to open up like this, especially when past experiences have led to disappointment and rejection. I hear you. The way you describe feeling jaded, protective, and weighed down by worst-case scenarios—it makes sense, given what you’ve been through.
You don’t need to have all the answers right now, and that’s okay. The fact that you’re even thinking about freedom in how you express yourself tells me that deep down, you still believe in possibility—even if it feels far away. That matters. Wanting change, even in small ways, is a sign that you haven’t given up on yourself.
You mentioned expressing yourself through depiction and media—what kinds of artistic or visual means have you explored? Have any of them felt particularly meaningful or freeing, even for a moment?
You also mentioned that you don’t actively think about being introspective, but you do it often. That might be because it has become second nature to you—something you automatically do without realizing it. Maybe, over time, introspection became your way of making sense of things, especially when life feels overwhelming or uncertain. Even though it can be difficult, it’s actually a powerful tool—it helps you understand yourself and your experiences in a deeper way.
It’s true that changing thought patterns isn’t easy, especially when so many external factors reinforce old habits. But small shifts, even tiny ones, can plant the seeds for something new. You don’t have to force yourself to be positive overnight—maybe instead, you could practice moments of neutrality, of gentle curiosity rather than expectation.
I’d love to keep exploring and continuing this conversation with you—it’s deeply meaningful and genuinely interesting to me.
anita
April 24, 2025 at 8:03 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445111anitaParticipantThe truth is my childhood was a cold, cold place, endless, eternal loneliness, trapped in the cold, waiting, endlessly waiting for warmth, to be noticed- by someone, by anyone- as something that feels, as something that wants, as something that is ALIVE, something not yet dead.
This is my truth, this is the truth of how it has been for me.
And the reason I am sharing this is to express the suppressed and repressed. To integrate, to be whole instead of fragmented, detached, unacknowledged.
The silence of eternal years of loneliness still screams from the heart of me, a silent scream going on for too long, way too long. The Loneliness of a little girl who happens to be- half a century later- still that very lonely girl.
anita
April 24, 2025 at 7:04 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445110anitaParticipantShadow work: All of my emotions have and always had a positive message: to help me survive ad even thrive. No valid shame for me feeling any which way, throughout my life. Even my tics, they have a positive message: it’s my muscles stuck in a flight-or-fight response to perceived danger, that which my mother posed to me. My muscles keep running away or fighting with nowhere to go, the results: tics.
Shadow work is about accepting all emotions, all energy-in-motion, like tics, accepting these as my friends, friends who have done their best for my benefit, and for what is right and just.
It is about making peace with.. me, with what moves through me.
It is about accepting and expressing the suppressed and repressed emotions and energy running through my body- tics and the tension involved- with no judgment but with gratitude and respect.
About my mother, I must say, my goodness! I was never able to accept the tragic truth that somewhere along the way, she lost the ability or inclination to love-and-be-loved. This was no longer an option for her sometime before I was born. Her shows of “love”, as I remember them, were largely- or wholly- performative. In reality, she was Teflon to love. My love for her didn’t permeate her skin, so to speak. My love for her, and my sister’s love for her, was like oil to her Teflon heart. Not that it was her fault that it came to be this way- her suffering as a child and adolescent was intense and unjust. I was a victim of her victimizers. I was her victim.
She was unreachable. And.. but- it wasn’t my fault that my child- love didn’t reach her. It was an impossible feat.
It is as if- by the time I was born to her- she was no longer human, meaning, she was no longer receptive to love, no longer loving. It is as if she learned how loving looks like, and at times, she faked it with people, with guests.. and at times, with me.
I feel the tension and pain in my left soldier tight now: it’s little-anita running away, running away from a loveless, and sometimes hateful mother. RUNNING, RUNNING away with nowhere to go.
How strange, how not strange it is- to naturally react to unnatural circumstances, unnatural being an unloving, and way too often- a hateful mother, one who wanted to hurt me and enjoying hurting me, looking at me with a mild but undeniable smile of joy, to see the pain register on my face.
No wonder I got stuck running, running with nowhere to go, aka tics.
anita
April 24, 2025 at 11:44 am in reply to: When the Healer Feels Broken: Has Your Darkness Ever Danced Back In? #445105anitaParticipantDear Lais:
Thank you for your kind and encouraging response—I truly appreciate it. Your words about writing and self-expression resonated deeply.
While I love sharing my thoughts, I’ve found that my writing flows best through conversation rather than structured formats like blogs or books. Because of my attention deficit, sitting down to write long-form pieces feels nearly impossible, but engaging in interactive discussions, like those on tiny buddha, allows my thoughts to emerge naturally.
So while book writing isn’t in my path, I will continue expressing myself in the way that feels right for me. I truly appreciate our exchange and look forward to seeing how it inspires your next article!
anita
anitaParticipantDear S:
I hear the depth of frustration and exhaustion in your words. The sense of watching others progress while feeling left behind is painful, especially when effort doesn’t seem to lead to real change. I also hear the resentment you mentioned—the frustration of seeing others succeed at things you’ve attempted, the constant roadblocks, the disappointment of unfinished goals.
You mentioned being on the offense, always keeping a distance, preparing for things to go wrong It makes sense—when life has felt unpredictable or repeatedly disappointing, guarding yourself becomes second nature.
It sounds like part of the struggle is not just about what you focus on, but how you engage with it. Maybe the answer isn’t in choosing the “right” thing to do but in shifting the way you approach the experience itself. If there were no expectations—no need to measure success—what would you want to explore, simply for the sake of it?
There’s no easy fix to feeling lost, but you are not as stuck as it may seem. Even the fact that you’re expressing all this shows self-awareness, a desire to break free from the pattern. That desire matters.
You don’t have to figure it all out at once. But even small shifts in thinking can make a difference. You deserve peace—not just in the moments of progress but even in the messiness of uncertainty. I would like to read more from you.
anita
April 24, 2025 at 8:09 am in reply to: When the Healer Feels Broken: Has Your Darkness Ever Danced Back In? #445097anitaParticipantDear Lais:
Reading your post and article this morning felt as if you had seen my recent posts in the forums and decided to write this just for me. Shadow work is something I was introduced to only recently, and I am actively integrating those parts of myself instead of suppressing them.
I took my time reading your article—it’s beautifully written! A few lines stood out as especially powerful:
“I spent years treating my emotions as something to get rid of. But healing isn’t about eliminating pain; it’s about becoming intimate with it… The more I embraced my pain, the less power it held over me… Whatever we suppress doesn’t disappear. It just works against us… Our triggers are messengers. They reveal wounds that are still waiting to be healed and integrated… Sitting with reactions instead of judging them opens the door to healing… Integrating the shadow is reclaiming the full spectrum of who we are… Healing isn’t about becoming perfect; it’s about becoming whole… So, the next time shadows appear, instead of running from them, try sitting with them. Instead of fighting fears, try listening to what they have to teach. Instead of rejecting the parts that feel unworthy, try offering them love.”
Your words resonated deeply, and I wanted to reflect on the questions you posed:
“Have you ever doubted your path because healing felt undone or cyclical?”- Many times. But in the last few years, commitment to healing brought clarity—healing isn’t a single event or a straightforward path. It unfolds in cycles, revealing new layers over time.
“How do you navigate those moments when your own pain resurfaces while holding space for others?”- Holding space for others in the forums gave me a welcomed break from focusing on my own emotions. It is always easier to speak about someone else’s struggles rather than face my own, especially the shadow emotions. The healing I experienced through conversations with hundreds of members over nearly a decade unfolded mostly indirectly, through their journeys. Now, I am ready to turn inward, create space for myself, and fully embrace direct healing.
“What has helped you reclaim wholeness—not just the polished parts, but the tender, wild, aching bits too?”- I am engaging with this process even now. As I read your article and post this morning, an old, old feeling resurfaced—that familiar sense of inferiority, as if your excellent writing and published works diminish my own writing and lack of publications. In the past, I wouldn’t have acknowledged this feeling. It would have been buried under layers of shame—shame for even feeling inferior in the first place.
But now, I see it differently. Feeling inferior or ashamed is nothing to be ashamed of. No emotion deserves rejection. Even the thought behind the feeling—the belief that I am somehow ‘less than’—does not deserve shame either.
And in this moment, I am embracing a new, non-judgmental approach to my emotions and thoughts. I like it! I know it will serve me well.
Thank you so much for creating space for this reflection 💛
anita
April 23, 2025 at 10:08 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445090anitaParticipantOkay, still up this Wed late night, still and more so, under the influence of red wine, makes me more daring, posting here- not even understanding how I am allowed (By whom?) to just type whatever it is that’s on my mind. Is there anyone even reading? Tell me if you are reading. Tell me.. are you here or am I all alone..?
So, here I am, listening to beautiful music and the beautiful sentiments it invokes in me.
The beginning of me, the beginning of you, do you remember that beginning?
The people I’ve been communicating with here through the ten years I’ve been here, May 2015- soon to be May 2025, the hundreds and thousands of people I’ve been communicated with all through these years.. where are you now, how are you now?
Is there a way to make this more than a random kind of a thing, make it something of a deeper meaning, a mission, something of a meaning, something to build on.. for a better world, a movement, a sincere intent and honest commitment for something bigger?
Anyone reading, anyone feeling me..?
Anita
April 23, 2025 at 9:09 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445089anitaParticipantThere is a new feeling in me, a… how can describe it: a feeling of a long-sought independence, a passion, a rage because this has been lost to me for more than a half of a century, a life wasted in enmeshment. And here I am this Wed night, not too late to feel this Newness, a Freedom from Enmeshment-Enslavement-
This is me, Me, the one that was lost to me, never fully identified until tonight: anita, or Anita with a capital A.
There was always a mother stuck to me, an unwanted sticky substance that wouldn’t let me be ME, wouldn’t let me live as me. Always HER voice, HER criticisms, HER pain, her perceptions, HER interpretations, HER lies, HER truths.. … HER everything- and me- nowhere to be found, suffocated by her overwhelming, loud presence. Enmeshed. Lost.
And tonight, here I am. just me. “Here I am on the road again. Here I am on the stage” (Bob Seger in the background)-
“Here I am, on the road I am. here I am, up on the stage. Here I go playing star again. Here I go, turn the page… Here I go” (Turn the Page/ Bob Seger).
Anita
April 23, 2025 at 7:55 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445088anitaParticipantLI beration F rom E nmeshment, acronym: L I F E-
An appropriate acronym..!
anita
April 23, 2025 at 7:11 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445087anitaParticipantThe most difficult thing for me to understand has been my decades-long enmeshment with my mother- the two were one, in my brain. I wasn’t able to understand the concept until I got some distance between me and her, and I mean more than physical distance. Enmeshment kept me stuck in a land of .. the living dead, so to speak: minimally alive.
In that suffocating enmeshment, I felt/ believed that she loved me, when the truth was- I loved her. I couldn’t tell the difference between me loving her and.. she loving me.
With some mental separation, I can now distinguish between her and me: two different people. I loved her (would have done ANYTHING to make her happy, would neve, didn’t ever try to hurt her; she tried to hurt me and enjoyed hurting me. Big difference!
But I couldn’t tell this difference for as long as I was terribly enmeshed with her. Because of hat enmeshment I suspected that I was the evil one, the one trying to hurt her.
Because of that crazy-making enmeshment, I thought of her as the innocent child, and of me- as the evil, abusive adult.
Haling from that horrible, sickening enmeshment is such a relief: seeing who is who. Here I am; there she is. Totally distinct, separate people.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Anne:
I can hear how much this is weighing on you—the guilt, the anxiety, the fear of what this event will bring. It’s clear that you deeply value your partner and your relationship, and that your past mistake does not reflect how you truly feel about your partner.
First, let’s acknowledge something important: guilt can be useful when it helps us learn and grow, but when it turns into self-punishment, it doesn’t serve anyone. You’ve already reflected on your actions, changed your behavior, and committed to being a better partner—that’s accountability. Breaking up because of guilt doesn’t undo the past; it only denies both of you and your partner the love and connection you’ve built.
Seeing this person again may feel uncomfortable, but it does not define the strength of your relationship or the love between you and your partner. If you feel honesty is important, there may be space for an open conversation, but such a conversation may cause your partner unnecessary pain. If you choose to keep it private, that doesn’t mean you are being dishonest—it means you are honoring the growth that has already happened without unnecessarily hurting your partner.
Try to be kind to yourself. The best partners aren’t perfect—they’re human. And the best relationships aren’t built on never making mistakes, but on learning from them, growing through them, and choosing love despite them.
You are allowed to move forward. You are allowed to love and be loved, even with past regrets.
anita
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