Dear Peter:

“So, this topic thread isn’t about looking for help or trying to fix something, but about journals. Wondering if anyone else has old journals and were surprised but what they wrote back when. Feel free to add thoughts or your own meanderings from any old journal entries you might have”-

– Inspired by your invitation I just accessed one of a few very, very thick folders I have, full of printed pages that I typed or copied and pasted. I’ll start with a poem that was presented to me in 2011 by the therapist (a CBT + Mindfulness therapist) I was seeing at the time, my first quality psychotherapy, as I refer to it. This poem started me on my healing path which continues to this day, mostly in the context of these tiny buddha forums, on a daily basis, ever since May 2015. When I deleted my account on Feb 2023 and did not post through Aug 2023, I still read and studied posts on the forums.

* The separation of the poem into paragraphs as follows (the format) is my doing. The words are Roger Start Keyes’s words, an art historian and a York Zen (a Zen Buddhist meditation group based in York, Northern England) who studied Katsushika Hokusai (1760-1849), a Japanese artist. Here is the poem that started me on the healing part close to 14 years ago:

“Hokusai says look carefully. He says pay attention, notice. He says keep looking, stay curious. He says there is no end to seeing. He says look forward to getting old. He says keep changing, you just get more who you really are. He says get stuck, accept it, repeat yourself as long as it is interesting. He says keep doing what you love. He says keep praying. He says every one of us is a child, every one of us is ancient, every one of us has a body.

“He says every one of us is frightened. He says every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.

“He says everything is alive– shells, buildings, people, fish, mountains, trees, wood is alive. Water is alive. Everything has its own life. Everything lives inside us. He says live with the world inside you.

“He says it doesn’t matter if you draw or write books. It doesn’t matter if you saw wood or catch fish. It doesn’t matter if you sit at home and stare at the ants on your veranda or the shadows of the trees and grasses in your garden. It matters that you care. It matters that you feel. It matters that you notice. It matters that life lives through you.

“Contentment is life living through you. Joy is life living through you. Satisfaction and strength is life living through you. Peace is life living through you.

“He says don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. Look, feel, let life take you by the hand. Let life live through you.”

As I was rereading the above poem today, I was thinking about you, Peter. In my mind, it’s as if it was written just for you. But then, it’s as if it was written just for me, and it’s very relevant to every moment, every day of my life still.

I am now looking for something to share from my massive journal entries in one of the folders (difficult because it’s in small print… looking for some old reading glasses) … To my surprise I see a page I typed sometime in the summer of 2008. There, I summarized information I read in a self-help book. Here’s part of it: “Harsh self-criticism lowers one’s motivation, increases anger, guilt and limitation”. What amazes me about these words is that at the time, more than 16 years ago, I wasn’t even close to a significant measure of understanding these words. Now I see that it was a strictly intellectual understanding, nothing that penetrated any deeper than the surface. It is only recently that I understand and practice self- compassion in the place of harsh self- criticism. This shift is a new practice for me.

Turning the pages, I fast forward to Jan 2013. I can see that I was deep into an eating disorder (binge eating) at the time, tortured, obsessed… Here’s something from Jan 2, 2013: “(My therapist’s name) said it has been THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE to BE SEEN”. Here is a part of what I wrote on Jan 28, 2013 (in hand- writing, a sort of a poem in the language I grew up with, translated here): “I waited for a long, long time- I waited and waited for her (my mother) to hear me… Why don’t you hear me?… You (my mother) placed me in a prison of anger- a prison of fear- and I can’t get out…”.

My notes today: going over the (many, so many) pages was sometimes stressful to read, feeling that same-old, same old deep emotional pain that I don’t want to feel again.

I mentioned above having been imprisoned in fear and anger. I didn’t mention, in that poem, having been imprisoned in Guilt. I felt too guilty to become an autonomous entity, too guilty to exist outside of my mother. Under her disturbing dominance, I was psychologically dead, or very much dying on a regular basis (outside moments of forgetting, daydreaming). Now, I can call it emotional enmeshment, a psychological entrapment. I craved freedom from her for more than half a century.

She was my jailer, no doubt. Through her histrionics, protracted self-pity episodes, expressing her suicidal ideation to me, at length, blaming me, at length, many, many times, while there was no seeing ME, no hearing ME, I was unfree to be. Me. There in the home I grew up in, there was no ME. There was ONLY her. No autonomy for me, no self-agency; no empowered, self-directed existence for me. Enmeshment was indeed suffocating to the extreme. I was suffocated but still physically alive.

Feeling disconnected from myself and from others was my brand of living- dying. It was an incredibly isolating and disorienting experience: I didn’t really know what I wanted, what I believed, couldn’t therefore make decisions or set goals because of this not-knowing. Had a sense of aimlessness, as if I was drifting through life without direction or meaning. Growing up, joy and excitement were muted, absent except for when daydreaming while listening to music when I was alone, without her being there in-person. I felt like an observer, detached from my actions or inactions, disconnected from my body and experiences. I felt profoundly lonely, emotionally cut off from the inside and from the outside, not fitting in or belonging anywhere.

This persistent sense of disconnection led to my experience of chronic anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, physical fatigue and exhaustion on a regular basis.

Thank you, Peter, for the opportunity to find a pair of reading glasses that makes it possible for me to read these old pages. I hope you are doing well and would like to read more about your experiences without trying to fix anything you share, as you requested.

* Trying to fix others by excessive intellectual analysis has been an ineffective habit of mine for the longest time. People need to be given space for their emotions to breathe, so to speak, a quiet space that’s not afforded when being the recipients of … noisy analyses.

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for sharing your journal reflections and the profound quotes from John Eldredge’s “The Sacred Romance.”

I wrote a whole lot of hand-written journal entries since I can remember myself, threw away all, then about 14 years ago, I started typing lots and lots of journal entries and I still have those printed journals, but I can’t read them without great difficulty because to comfortably read them I’d need new reading glasses. I get by without because I can easily magnify the computer screen. I no longer read books. My only reading is at the computer.

The passage you shared about beauty and affliction piercing the human heart is incredibly powerful and resonates with me very much:

“Our deepest convictions are formed without conscious effort, but the effect is a shift deep in our soul”- this means that I didn’t choose to be who I became. I became who I was (before recent healing) due to automatic, human responses to what I was born into (the people and circumstances of my childhood). In other words, I was a complex set of reactions.

“To choose to shut your heart to love – so that you won’t be hurt – is to deny the very thing you are made for”- profound! Indeed, I denied myself. I was a stranger to myself, a stranger that I didn’t like, a stranger that no one liked. Alone A Lot. A whole lot of Alone. An Eternity of Alone.

Early in childhood, maybe I was six, maybe younger, don’t remember, I placed myself on hold so to accommodate my mother’s needs, as I perceived those to be. My needs became strangers to myself.

“We must renounce our childhood vows. They trap our hearts… we believe the lie and make the vow. It is important to break the vow so it may not have a strong hold on our hearts.”- the first vow I made was to be a good girl, a good daughter, so that my mother will like me. This means (I realize as I am typing) that the premise of this vow was that I was a bad girl, a bad daughter, a bad person. This core belief was the foundational premise of my life for longer than half a century.

It is only recently that I feel (really, feel) that I am sometimes, here and there, liked by other people. I didn’t even know how it feels until recently. I feel like a little girl now, the girl that was put on hold for so long, too long. The denied little girl is here, typing these words: “Here I Am!”

anita

Dear anonymous:

Last you posted was on July 30, 2024- over 4 months ago. How are you?

Here are quotes from my advice to you in these 2 pages of your thread: “Express yourself… let out your emotions, type them out on the computer screen… find new life within you and attend to it… there is indeed a huge void in this world, a void of peace, of mildness, of kindness. And we are all (the hating and the hated, the deceiving and the deceived) on the same boat of destruction…

“Replace the shame and guilt with empathy for the scared boy within you. Once you do that, the scared boy within you will be less scared, and courage will be the new life within you… Courage will replace helplessness…

“It is scary and depressing to feel powerless, no wonder you are anxious and depressed. I see the hope for your healing in changing your attitude from that of personal helplessness to that of personal empowerment, in you believing that you have some… power over what happens in your life… it is time for you to do more than to survive a harsh world…

“Every day, beginning in the morning, shift from despair to hope, bit by bit, in spite of and through expected regressions…

“Your brain is in the habit of getting engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt and shame. It is difficult to break habits. It takes persistence and patience. It’s about extending the moments of calm over time”.

Today, I want to respond to what you shared on page 1: “There is one side of me which tells me that I should not overthink. But I get carried away when I try to make a decision. I mentally picture all the negative outcomes and feel them as real. I reflected on this behaviour and found that in my childhood I was not allowed to make any mistakes either at home or at school. Whenever I made one it was not well taken. I was scolded and judged. Never was I taught that mistake happens, and you need to learn from it. All I was said was how can a studious student like you make such mistakes and it was a shame. In the adulthood, there were few decisions I took, that did not result nicely. I think the fear of taking decisions started from these events and has been inculcated”-

– Shifting from self-judgment to self-compassion is a transformative process that leads to emotional well-being: (1) Recognize when you are being self-critical. Pay attention to your inner dialogue and notice when negative thoughts arise, (2) Challenge negative Thoughts: question the validity of your self-judgmental thoughts. Are they based on facts or assumptions? Would you say these things to someone you love and care about? (3) Replace negative thoughts with more compassionate ones. Speak to yourself as you would to someone you love and care about, (4) Practice mindfulness: stay present and accept your emotions without judgment. Mindfulness helps in acknowledging your feelings without letting them control and overwhelm you, (5) Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to other people you care about. Be gentle and forgiving towards yourself, (6) Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and that imperfection is part of being human. Let go of past regrets and focus on learning and growth, (7) Establish healthy boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being. This includes saying no when necessary and prioritizing self-care, (8) Reach out to friends, family, tiny buddha members (here), or a therapist for support. Sharing your struggles with others can help you gain perspective and feel less isolated, (9) Celebrate progress: acknowledge and celebrate your efforts and achievements, no matter how small. Recognize that growth is a gradual process.

Self-compassion helps in reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression by fostering a positive and supportive inner dialogue. Being compassionate towards yourself helps you bounce back from setbacks more easily. It builds resilience and the ability to cope with adversity. When you are kinder to yourself, you are more likely to extend kindness to others, improving your relationships and social connections. Self-compassion promotes a growth mindset, encouraging you to take on challenges and learn from mistakes without fear of harsh self-criticism. By treating yourself with kindness and respect, you build a healthier self-esteem and a more positive self-image. Practicing self-compassion leads to emotional well-being, life satisfaction, and overall happiness.

In short, shifting from self-judgment to self-compassion a journey worth embarking on, and every small step counts. 🌟

anita

I hope you are well and building your own life this new year, Nichole!

anita

Dear TE:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. It’s clear that you deeply care about your wife and your marriage. Navigating changes in physical health and attraction over time can be challenging.

It’s important to approach this situation with empathy and understanding. Your wife’s weight gain might be influenced by various factors, including medical, emotional, and psychological aspects. Here are a few suggestions that might help:

* If you haven’t so far, have an open, compassionate conversation with your wife about your concerns. Focus on health and well-being rather than appearance. Express your love and support for her in every aspect.

* Encourage her to visit a healthcare professional for a thorough check-up. There could be underlying health issues that contribute to weight gain and difficulty with exercise.

* Find activities you both enjoy that promote physical activity but feel less like exercise. This could include dancing, gardening, or even exploring new hobbies together.

* Support her emotionally and help her identify any stressors or emotional challenges that might be affecting her motivation and health. Consider counseling or therapy if needed.

* Understand that changes won’t happen overnight. Show patience and continue to express your love and support. Small, consistent efforts can lead to positive changes over time.

Your dedication to your marriage and love for your wife are evident. Balancing support with empathy and understanding can help you both navigate this together.

Wishing you both the best-

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

I wanted to add/ elaborate, and I understand that this may be difficult to read and respond to, so please feel free to read any part of it, or not, respond or not. My intention is to help you move toward greater clarity and calm (calm moon). Also, taking the time to reply to you helps me to develop my thoughts, deepen my understanding, and move further in my own healing process.

“My mother was saying to me that she does not know what she would do in this life if I was not there for her”- By saying this, she reinforces the caretaker role, making you feel indispensable and obligated to continue providing support. This emotional pressure keeps you engaged in the caretaker role, making you feel guilty about (the idea of) quitting the role.

“She makes her choices and then complains about it to me… Even when she is not complaining directly, she behaves like pissed off”- Your mother’s irritated behavior when not complaining directly conveys dissatisfaction and disappointment. This non-verbal communication makes you feel responsible for her unhappiness. It is a form of guilt-tripping, whether intentional or not.

Her reliance on you and her passive-aggressive behavior (complaints and acting pissed off) limit your autonomy, making you feel responsible for her happiness and well-being. Her emotional dependency on you is controlling, as her behavior and expectations dictate your actions and choices.

“I have never complained… my mother always complains to me”- This means that you always kept your own frustrations and difficulties to yourself, likely because you didn’t want to add more stress to your mother, or because you felt it was your duty to be strong for her. On the other hand, your mother has frequently shared her problems and frustrations with you Instead of trying to solve her own issues.

The contrast here highlights your selflessness and willingness to endure your own struggles silently while your mother consistently burdened you with her struggles, which appears to be selfish. This relationship shows a pattern where your mother’s actions lean towards selfishness, and your actions demonstrate selflessness. This imbalance is emotionally taxing for you and highlights the need for setting healthy boundaries and seeking support for yourself.

“It makes me angry towards my siblings after my mom’s comments… I am so fragile and empathetic towards her”- if she complains to you about her life and about her older adult children (your older siblings), but she does not complain to them, then, as I understand it, she perceives that you- the empathetic one, the one who never complains- are less likely to resist or confront her compared to the older children. Complaining to you feels safer and allows her to express her frustrations without facing direct conflict.

It’s also possible that she complains about you to her older children.

Let’s look at the differences between complaining about others behind their backs and engaging in direct communication or confrontation: complaining behind someone’s back can provide immediate emotional relief and elicit sympathy, which is comforting and reassuring. By avoiding direct confrontation, she sidesteps the anxiety and potential discomfort of a face-to-face conflict. The problem remains unresolved, and if the person being complained about finds out, it erodes trust and damage relationships.

Direct communication or confrontation allows for the issues to be addressed head-on, increasing the chances of finding a resolution. It promotes clarity and mutual understanding, as both parties can express their perspectives and work towards a solution, fostering a sense of trust and respect. It shows that the person values the relationship enough to address issues openly. Engaging in direct communication or confrontation helps develop confidence and assertiveness skills. It empowers the person to stand up for themselves and their needs.

“I am so fragile and empathetic towards her…I love her with my whole heart”- about love: the way I understand love is that if it is something that helps you on an ongoing basis (not always, as no one can love perfectly at all times), it is love. If it is something that harms you on an ongoing basis, then it is not love. Person A may occasionally feel affection for person B, have good intentions- at times- toward person B, but if the consequences of the supposed “love” is harm, then it’s not love.

There is a saying: “The proof is in the pudding”, which is a shortened form of the original saying, “The proof of the pudding is in the eating”. It means that the true value or quality of something can only be judged in a practical context: does it help? Does it harm?

The true measure of a mother’s love can be seen in the outcomes of her actions. Genuine love should result in positive outcomes, including emotional support, mutual respect, and the well-being of both individuals involved. True love should not require one person to sacrifice their own happiness and health. For a mother’s love to be beneficial, it needs to be expressed in ways that support her daughter’s well-being, respect her boundaries, and encourage her independence.

From what I understand, your mother’s brand of love for you is self-focused. It primarily focuses on her needs and emotional comfort, often at the expense of yours. It lacks the balanced reciprocity that characterizes healthy love.

Her actions suggest that her care for you is conditional on the support she receives.

Your love for her, on the other hand, is characterized by empathy and a strong desire to support and comfort her, often sacrificing your own well-being in the process. Your love for her is unconditional, as you consistently provide emotional and practical support without expecting anything in return.

Your love provides her with immediate emotional relief and comfort, offering short-term benefits. However, long-term, this selfless love reinforces her dependency on you. In the long run, it doesn’t encourage her to take proactive steps to improve her own life.

Here are some suggestions: clearly define what you can and cannot do for her and encourage her to take more active steps in managing her own life. If you have already made significant efforts to empower her (as I think you did, many times), but there’s no improvement in her dependence and passive-aggressive behaviors, it’s important to recognize the true nature of the reality that I think you may be facing: that despite your very best efforts, some individuals, like your mother, struggle to change due to deeply ingrained habits, trauma, or mental health issues.

Encourage your mother to seek therapy or counseling from a qualified professional who may be able to help her. A daughter cannot be her mother’s therapist (even if the daughter is a professional therapist).

I suggest that you maintain clear and consistent boundaries with your mother and with other family members. It’s important for you to protect your emotional energy and avoid being overwhelmed by her dependence. Communicate your boundaries firmly but compassionately. Celebrate any small step you make toward your own mental health, autonomy and self-actualization. Expect gradual changes rather than expecting immediate transformation: small, consistent efforts toward your own well-being will lead, over time and effort, to sustainable progress.

anita

Thank you Robi and HAPPY NEW YEAR to you 🙂 I wish we both have a great start (middle and end) of 2025, one day at a time, learning something new every day (or having a deeper understanding of something we already learned). Take good care of yourself. Always good to read from you!

anita

* Dear T:

Thank you for sharing something so personal. I’m truly sorry to hear about the abuse you’re experiencing.

It’s important for people to stand against psychological harassment and support one another. Please know that there are resources and people who care about your well-being. Stay strong, and don’t hesitate to seek help from trusted individuals or organizations.

You are welcome to start your own thread (go to FORUMS at the top of the home page) and share your story. I would like to read and reply to you empathetcally and respectfully.

anita