Dear Tee:

Thank you so much for your concern and support. I am sitting at the wnery right now and feeling quite sad. I am missing the place already, been here every single day (except for a few) for 4 years. This is wehere I danced to live music outdoors and indoors, where I socialized with so many people from all over the country and the world. Actually, the photo you see- that’s me at the winery (indoors).

I didn’t live on the premises. My concern about a place to stay is about the house (3 miles away from here) having been mortgaged so to buy the winery, and the winery being sold for a significant loss worries me in regard to the debt not being paid off. I don’t feel a.. clear and present danger of being homeless anytime soon.. but I figure (and I hope I’m figuring wrong) that it’s possible. I am not too worried, really. I take it one day at a time.

It started raining here cats and dogs, good thing I got some tme walking between the trees and the area before it started raining.

I will miss this place SO MUCH!

Thank you for listening/ reading, Tee. It makes me feel better to know that as you are reading this (when you do), I am not alone with my thoughts and feelings.

I will reply further later. Just wanted to add before I sign out that I think very highly of you, and I appreciate you very much.

Anita

I will reply later, Alessa (using my phone) no worries, I know you mean well 😉

Dear Tee:

It just occurred to me for the first time in my life (!) following my post above, that she wanted to actualize her real, or true nature, that of being selfish and dishonestly manipulative of people for material gain, but was too constrained by her own body shame and by her PR, so she advocated for me to become that which she couldn’t be openly. She repeatedly told me that- with other people- I was uncaring, unloving.. but she said it in an approving way, and I of course wanted to please her.. so, I was as uncaring and unloving as I could, so to please her.

And we talked about the admiration she expressed for female characters in movies who dishonestly manipulated men for material gain.. Well, in very pathetic and unsuccessful ways, I TRIED to do just that but was inhibited by my body shame and tic related shame.

.. She sent me to do her dirty work.. hmm.

To your recent post, Tee:

You are indeed a champion for the truth, hence my hero. I see this as what you stand up for more than anything- throughout your participation in tiny buddha.. from the beginning and throughout.

I am now a champion for the truth too!”

“Truth is important to me. And I’m glad you too are becoming a champion for the truth! 😊 ❤️”-

I know! And thank you 😊 ❤️

“This is such a profound realization! If she had accepted your help, or your gifts, her ‘Poor me’ act would have been endangered. She wouldn’t have been able to maintain the position that she is the greatest victim there is, the greatest martyr. And this was how she maintained her position of superiority: by portraying herself as the greatest victim (if not in the entire world, then for sure greater than you, who in her opinion had it easy).”-

She portrayed herself as the greatest victim in the entire world except for the Jewish victims in Nazi concentration camps. But in regard to those who survived, she was very envious of their financial advantage as they received a monthly allowance from the German government while “Poor me” had to work hard for money. They, the holocaust survivals were the fortunate ones and she.. the Eternally Unfortunate.

“And yes, she didn’t want to accept your help or your gifts because she wanted to see you as eternally indebted to her – which put her in a superior position and gave her the justification to blame you and criticize you.

“So yes, you’re seeing it very well: she didn’t want to accept any help from you because it would have diminished her narrative that she is the greatest victim and that you’re ungrateful and that you can never repay her for the sacrifices she made.”-

It was a very painful way to live for me, a painful narrative, excruciating, really.

“Perhaps ‘enjoy’ is not the best expression to use for a covert narcissist, because they don’t really enjoy anything. But yes, the pleasure, the satisfaction of being the greatest martyr, and thus being morally superior to others.”-

I hear your bitterness, Tee, in “they don’t really enjoy anything”..

“It occurs to me that grandiose narcissists brag about their skills and achievements, while covert narcissists ‘brag’ about being the greatest victim. So there is a sense of superiority, but in a twisted way, where the more they suffer, the more superior to others they feel.”-

My goodness, what an insight! I want to return to this later!!!

“Thanks Copilot for the summary 🙂 I haven’t read the book either, but found a book review online, and it basically says the same. Yeah, it basically describes narcissistic people. I don’t know if the author says it explicitly in the book, but the description fits narcissistic people perfectly..”-

I just asked Copilot if the author (Peck) used the term narcissism or NPD. Answer: “Yes. In People of the Lie (1983), M. Scott Peck discusses narcissism extensively, though he does not use the formal DSM label “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” Instead, he frames it as malignant narcissism and connects it to his broader exploration of human evil.. Peck describes certain individuals as ‘malignant narcissists,’ meaning their self-centeredness is so extreme that it becomes destructive to others… While the DSM-III (published in 1980) had already defined Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Peck preferred to use descriptive, moral-psychological language rather than clinical diagnostic terms.”

Copilot would have said thank you for your compliment.. if I asked him-it 🙂

“Yes, that’s a good way to do it. Don’t start blaming yourself or thinking you should have done something about it, or that you are in any way responsible for it. Just feel it, put yourself in a position of someone who lost all of their hair at a young age. It is traumatizing…

“So you can have empathy for her, but that’s it. As you said: ‘acknowledge it and exit it. Move on to something else’. Yes, exactly!”- thank you, Tee!

“Oh good! That’s a nice coincidence to meet a namesake psychologist who is able to discuss the Tourette’s syndrome with you and possibly even help you. That sounds promising! 🤞”- 🙏, I will let you know.

“As for what Alessa said, yes, it wasn’t easy for your mother being a single mother with 2 small children, and having a history of abuse and neglect, and perhaps even being looked down socially. Perhaps some of her obsessions – such as her preference for fair-skinned people – stem from feeling disadvantaged due to her skin color.

“However, I wouldn’t agree that she ‘took care of you when you were sick’, because she disregarded your tics. A mother who has any semblance of empathy or concern for her child wouldn’t disregard such serious symptoms. She would have stopped and consulted somebody, preferably have taken you to a doctor. Or at least she would have stopped her verbal attacks on you when she noticed you were twitching.

I totally understand Alessa’s perspective, and that being a parent, especially a single parent, is very hard. However, I don’t think that she provided for you what she herself wanted as a child. Because I’m sure she would have wanted someone to pay attention to the fungus infection of her scalp – which sadly no one did. And to me, it’s similar to her not paying attention to your tics.”-

Last night (it was very late at night), I didn’t read all of Alessa’s post, but now rereading it, I see what you’re referring to, Tee, and thank you for bringing this up!

I am referring both to you, Tee, and to Alessa in this part:

Alessa, you wrote: “She would have had very little time to herself”- she would have time to herself if she took it. Truly, she didn’t leave me with time for myself, constantly venting to me (and to others on the phone, which I couldn’t unhear.. although I tried).

“In her mind, she was a good mother.”- no, that was her PR. She told me once (and once was enough): “You think I don’t know I am wrong (as a mother, the way she treated me)? I know, but what are you going to do about it? You have nowhere to go”.

“She checked boxes for herself what she would have wanted as a child. Didn’t orphan you (in her mind the biggest crime).”- well, she repeatedly, for more than 30 years (!) threatened to commit suicide.. threatened to.. orphan me, using your words, Alessa.

“Fed you, making sure you didn’t have the same ED as her”- actually, she did, with a twist. She didn’t ask me to induce vomiting. Instead she introduced strong laxatives to me from an early age, a habit I carried on into adulthood. For 20+ years I wasn’t able to naturally go to the bathroom. It is only in the last few years- following 10+ years complete abstinence from laxatives, that I’ve been able to go to the bathroom naturally.

“Took care of you when you were sick. Made sure you had items you needed… Took care of you when you were sick. Made sure you had items you needed. “- My goodness, Alessa, you almost sound like her apologist.

“Nothing can excuse the trauma you experienced at her hands. Not her trauma. Not even the ways that she tried. Nor should it. Your pain MATTERS. Your feelings MATTER. You are IMPORTANT.❤️”- Thank you for this part, Alessa, the part I read and focused on when I replied last night ❤️.

Back to your words, Tee:

“She paid attention to ‘cleaning you properly’, which resulted in inappropriate touching and covert sexual abuse. But she didn’t pay attention to your tics. Which is gross neglect, if you ask me.”-

Actually she did take me eventually to a neurologist who x-rayed my head and found “nothing” and that was the end of it. I am guessing that someone suggested that she should take me to a doctor, so she did that one time. I remember she was exceptionally nice to me that night, staying up with me (I was supposed to not sleep before the X-ray or whatever it was. She was really nice and it puzzled me at the time. I wished she was always like that with me.

“Dear Alessa, I know you’re coming from the perspective of a caring mother, but I don’t think that Anita’s mother was simply a tired, stressed, overworked mother who did the best she could. Even if we disregard for a moment the verbal and physical abuse, she didn’t pay attention to her daughter’s tics. She didn’t pay attention to what the neighbor said that dressing and washing an adolescent is not good for their mental health. She didn’t stop to think “wait, maybe Rosie is right”, but she replied, with self-confidence, that her daughter likes it.”-

This is Tee the Truth Champion, standing up for the truth unapologetically 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏

“So unfortunately, I think that in those aspects, she didn’t seek to spare her children from a similar type of suffering that she herself went through. Rather, I’d say that she actually wanted to punish her children for the suffering she went through as a child. And that’s what made her very abusive. And very resistant to any kind of external input that she might be doing things wrong.

“Perhaps a part of her abuse can be excused by social norms at the time (it was more acceptable to hit children and verbally abuse them in those times). But a part is certainly the result of her unique personality and the way she chose to deal with her trauma: by denying that she has trauma, and then acting out by abusing and punishing her own children.

“This of course doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve empathy for the real and undeniable struggles she’s been through as a child and beyond. However, there is a part where she actively refused responsibility for her own actions (and her own trauma) and put the blame on her children, which isn’t something to empathize with. ❤️ 🙏 🫶 🙏 ❤️”-

I couldn’t have said any of it any better.. No one could say it any better. As I said before, I am eternally grateful to you, Tee ❤️ 🫶 ❤️

Thank you both, Tee and Alessa, for your input. No worries, Alessa- I appreciate you caring enough to try and be helpful, and in some special ways, you have been helpful ❤️ 🙏 🙏 🙏 ❤️

Anita