Oh, I get it. She’s (the other DIL) the wife of a “king” (to her) and you are the wife of a lowly serf.. why didn’t I get it beforehand..

That’s annoying, isn’t it 😐

I understand you not wanting to hurt your husband’s feelings. He sounds like a good man and you are good for caring to not hurt his feelings!

Why do you think your MIL dumps all this generational trauma on you and not on her other DIL?

🤔 Anita

Hey again, Nini 🙂

* “We all can’t be Shakespeare” (Roberta)- I like that,funny 😊

Yet your feelings that eat away at you, Nini, aren’t a funny thing 😐

You need way more attention than you’re getting. For one, because the two of you live far away from each other and you only talk on the phone these days, and second, because as a child, “no one ever listened to (you)”, your words.

How did it feel back then, growing up (and now, as an adult) to not be listened to and to not be taken seriously by your family?

That sounds painful 😒. It creates a need, a desire to be super listened to as an adult, by a romantic partner.. does it?

You may think that him telling you that his favorite color is the color of your eyes is not too much to ask, except that he can’t read your mind and know what you would love for him to say at any one time.

You say that you can read his mind. Wow! I was never able to do that. As a child I tried real hard to read my mother’s mind but I think that my reading failed every time.

Reading your posts, on one hand you sound reasonable, logical, in regard to your expectations of him. On the other hand, I “hear” a hurt little girl who needs the kind of attention she never got: to be listened to, to be taken seriously, that which you deserved back then, and now.

🤍 Anita

I understand you wanting to be happy and wish you will.

I will soon be away from the 📱 for a few hours but when I’m back I would like to get back to you.

In the meantime, I woul like to understand how your boyfriend shows that he doesn’t take you seriously, an example or 2 perhaps?

That’s an excellent idea, Zenith: to not visit India at the same time your co-sister is there 👍

Yes, I remember you shared about him not setting boundaries with his parents. It makes sense to think that he has some sort of trauma growing up.

🤔 Maybe his elder brother took on one role in the family (king) so, he took the opposite role because there can be only one king among siblings (don’t know, thinking out loud).

Coming to think about it further, maybe it’s his mother’s pattern: elevate some people (elder brother, one DIL) over other people (younger brother, other DIL)?

🤔 Anita

Good 🌄 Confused:

Yes, I was beginning to feel weird for using the vomit emoji 😐

How would making that list help? I’ll make a tiny (kinda) list that applies to me as an example:

I CAN’T Control the feeling of tension in my body right now, but I CAN Notice it (I just did), and I CAN- at this moment- take a slow breath, and a second one. It helps because for a moment, the tension has eased.

I Notice it eased and I am taking another slow breath because it helped (maybe I’ll build a habit of slow breathing over time, if I repeat this).

Confused: “I am trying to control my feelings all the time”-

You mean by analyzing (trying to think yourself into feeling differently), researching with AI, posting in reddit, etc.?

What if you first empathize with and validate what you do feel?

Example: ‘it sucks to not feel what I want to feel. It’s natural to want to feel happy and in-love. I feel sad and empty and guilty that I don’t feel those loving feelings’

Did you already try that?

😐 🤍 🤔 Anita

HeY 🌙 🦉 Confused:

“I can’t let go of control”- I can’t imagine anyone letting go of all control, just some.

I mean needing control is a natural need.

I suppose it’s about differentiating between what we can control and what we can’t control.

What if you made 2 lists: things you can control and things you can’t control?

(I am 🤔 of dropping the vomit emoji. What do u think?) Anita