Dear Tee:

“Thank you for sharing with me your story of arriving to the US. ❤️ And no, I’m not judging you at all. It’s a story of hope and daring to try something new, something different than the drudgery of being your mother’s ‘slave’ (in a way) and resigning any kind of hope for a better future.”-

The word “slave” is sinking in, strangely the word never occurred to me until you brought it up.

Also, it was only last night that it occurred to me- for the first time in my life (replaying what you said yesterday)- that her keeping her weight very low while pregnant (she said that when in the hospital, for delivery, the nurse coming to greet the pregnant woman, looked away from her thinking she’s a family member accompanying the pregnant woman) meant anything at all, as in having any connection to her having no empathy for me pre-birth.

She never expressed to me any concern for the fetus-me not being adequately fed, nor did she express anyone else voicing such a concern to her. You are the first person in MY WHOLE LIFE to bring up this concern!

“So, you had hope, and you ventured out of your ‘comfort zone’ (although living with your mother certainly wasn’t comfortable, but it was familiar. And we usually fear the unfamiliar… so I think it was still not such a small feat.)”-

My intention is not to reject a compliment, but truly it was not a feat at all. I mean, really, sincerely, I am sure of it. Not only there was no comfort in the zone.. it was not even familiar. There was nothing at all in her behavior that I could rely on. She could have exploded at any time in a very scary way. Although it happened too often, it never got to be “familiar”.. no comfort in predictability, not to any extent.

“I’m not familiar with the movie “The Never Ending Story”, however I’ve just now realized that I’m very much familiar with its title song, Never Ending Story, sang by Limahl, a famous singer at the time.”- I am going to locate the song on YouTube later on (can’t do it right now).

“Actually, I don’t know if I know any other of his songs, but Never Ending Story was definitely one of my favorites and is still ringing in my ears. I never knew the lyrics, because that was the pre-internet era, but I enjoyed it anyway 🙂”- I am so looking forward to locate the song.

I just read that the song was part of the 1984 movie. I read a bit about it and I almost remember it was a in and out song, fading in and out the movie. Almost like accidently there..

“Wow, that was a blast to the past 🙂 But yeah, I really liked (and still like) the song. I might check out the movie as well..”- I am excited at the prospect of you checking out the movie. it was filmed in Germany, by the way

“I get it. It wasn’t just to get away from her, but also to succeed, to make her happy, to finally get her validation.. Yeah, that’s how it goes with us trying to please our impossible-to-please mothers.. But of course, we don’t know it. We don’t know it till much, much later that they are impossible to please..”-

This makes me feel like I am not alone, like I was never alone 🙂 (even though it felt like it). Don’t get me wrong, I wish you didn’t experience any part of what I did. It’s just that I no longer feel alone in that experience.

“Perhaps a part of your motivation was to please your mother: you wanted to afford her some of that luxury that she had been dreaming about. You thought it would make her happy.. But I guess she wasn’t happy and pleased with you for too long, was she?”-

Ha-Ha.. ha-ha… ha. Of course not. (I was going to place a sad face emoji here.. but I am not sad at the moment. I mean.. oh well..

“Yeah, you couldn’t feel good about yourself around your mother, even if she was behaving well (at least in front of other people). You knew what she was feeling towards you, you knew how judgmental she is, you knew that the criticism and disappointment in you are just around the corner..”-

She shot daggers of shame from her eyes to my heart, a big ouch every time.

“Nothing changed, even if you got married in a luxurious ceremony in the ‘hottest’ place in New York City: Manhattan. You didn’t manage to make her happy, and I guess she went home similarly displeased with you, right?”-

Right. She wasn’t pleased when I sent her ALL the money I had at one point, 17,000 dollars (decades ago). After a couple of years she sent it back to me because she said it wasn’t enough. (Your thoughts, Tee?)

“And you sank into depression, and soon saw to annul the marriage..”- I did sink into depression. He came up with the annulment.

“That’s all understandable, Anita. That’s what happens when we try to please our impossible-to-please mothers. Always a failure, always feeling bad about ourselves afterwards..”- E.X.A.C.T.L.Y.

“Because when we’re anxious, we can’t think straight. Our rational brain switches off and we’re driven by our limbic and reptilian brain, i.e. our fight-or-flight response. You felt fear that you might have said something inappropriate, and so you couldn’t think straight and you didn’t see what was pretty obvious: that you’ve simply misspelled.”- Yes.. EXACTLY. You understand me so very well. Thank you! (I felt stupid for missing something so obvious)

“Fear made you conclude that you wrote something offensive and would be condemned and punished for it. That’s the power of fear: it switches off our rational thinking and distorts our perception.”- (I am reading each part, responding, before reading the next part)-

YES!

“It happened to me too multiple times: wrongly concluding that there was danger when there wasn’t, because fear blinded me and I thought I’m seeing something that wasn’t there.”- I didn’t know this about you..

“Yes, I’ve heard that even the biggest, toughest guys scream for their mother when they’re in mortal danger. So it’s kind of instinctive… But I’m very glad you didn’t get into an accident the other day, and that you’re safe and sound ❤️”- ❤️❤️❤️

“Glad it made you feel a little better, knowing that yours wasn’t the most horrible abuse, even though it was pretty severe”- thank you for the validation, it was indeed severe, objectively and subjectively, I have no doubt.

“Yeah, it could have been neutralized by you showing some resistance. But you didn’t know it. You as a child believed that she would either kill herself or kill you if you dare to resist (because she was saying things like ‘I will murder you.’) You believed her, and you thought your only option was to obey.”-

Yes, I believed her. She was quite convincing. Even adults (like in the elementary school setting) did not challenge her. She stopped shaming and threatening the music teacher only when she ran out of steam, only when she exhausted herself.

“Because you believed her threats and you felt bound, even paralyzed, by fear..”- she pointed to her wrists, showing me where she would make the cut, with a knife.

“Yes, unfortunately. She violated you, but you – being in mortal fear of her – didn’t show any resistance. It’s similar to a rape victim who doesn’t resist because they’re afraid of being killed. It’s a survival mechanism.”- Y.E.S.

“I’m glad you’ve stopped feeling pity and empathy for her. That’s already a great step. With time, the impulse will come to protect yourself too. You’re already expressing it in words: N.O., S.T.O.P. No More. I am not a thing!!! I will never be a thing again. Never!!!

“With time, you’ll feel the impulse in your body too, to make a move to protect yourself. But as I said, take it easy. There’s no need to rush with this type of work, because it can be quite overwhelming.”-

It’ll be a dream come true if the tics ease.. or stop (likely not possible, I assume..?)

“Glad to hear that! Yes, you’ve already started to purge yourself from her false narrative: from the lie that she was the victim and you the villain, from the lie that you’re guilty for her misery, from the lie that you could do anything to make her happy, from the lie that you should be ashamed of yourself and your body.

“You’re already purging all of those lies from your system, and that’s the first step toward purging yourself from her toxic fungus.

“And I’m glad I can be there to support you in that process! ❤️”-

Tee, your support is so very important to me! If I ever say something that doesn’t sound right to you, something that might offend you, please let me know.. I would like you to know that I am 100% invested in telling you the truth and nothing but the truth.. and I want to have nothing but a positive affect on you. You are my hero!!!

“Hope you have a nice day and talk to you later! ❤️ 🫶 ❤️”-

I read in the other thread that your back is doing better, but you are having problems with your knees, but you’ve got a plan. My best wishes are for you, Tee. Like I said before, I’d climb a very, very tall mountain if it’d take your pain a way.

Magical thinking, I know.. but I would climb a mountain for you!!!

⛰️ ❤️ 🫶 Anita

Dear Tee:

I just submitted a post in the thread “Compassion and respect during times of conflict” by mistake. I meant to post it here, in my thread. I don’t see a reason to repost it here as you can read it in the other thread. If you would like to respond to it, please respond here, as it meant to belong to this thread, a continuation of what we’ve been talking about. 🫶