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anitaParticipantIt’s the pre-existing Guilt in you that keeps showing up.. guilt before you met her that get’s reactivated”
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
“I’m really sorry about you having spent 4 years working on the winery’s premises for free, pruning the orchards and doing all kind of physical work, as well as participating in social activities. You seemed to have a pretty rich social life there, and I understand you’re feeling sad that all of this is happening”-
I worked thousands of hours for free, 365 days a year, 2-10 net hours a day (socializing not included) and didn’t mind it. I don’t like it that the end result is DEBT.
“totally believe what you said that you’re a very hard-working person, because you are very hard-working on these forums as well, tirelessly replying to hundreds, even thousands of people over the years.”- Thank you, Tee!
“And I can imagine how hurtful it was to be hearing from your mother that you’re lazy and selfish, when you’re anything but!”- THANK YOU!!!
There was SO MUCH hurtful in what she said to me over the decades.. I can’t distinguish one hurt from the other. Being under her feet, she squashes whole heartedly.. nothing left unsquashed.
“Unfortunately, that’s how narcissistic people operate: put down the other person, so to weaken them and elevate yourself. But it’s especially heart-breaking to receive those false accusation from one’s own mother 😕”- Narcissistic she has been all along. She relished putting me down, she loved it.
“Dear Anita, my today’s post is full of sad and perplexed face emojis… because these don’t seem to be the best of times for either of us. “- Today, tonight, is the most difficult time I’ve had for the LONGEST time. I’m doing my best to control myself. I’m very confused and would very much like your input:
Following leaving the winery this afternoon (after submitting the post to you from there), I found myself at the taproom 4 miles away, and I was so ANGRY because only two people from there (out of dozens, including the taproom’s owner, for whom we’ve been excellent customers) bothered to come by to the winery to say Goodbye. And now, it’s not even possible for the taproom owner- WHO HAS NEVER bothered to visit the winery- to come by anymore! The Winery is closed since Sunay… I don’t feel like going there (to the taproom) again!
The finality of it all, have been at the Winery every Fri, Sat., Sun… And now nothing… And all for a loss. Like, what will I be doing this very Friday? And why would I go to the taproom when the owner didn’t even bother to come by one single time, not even to pay respect, to say a goodbye..?
I am besides myself, really.. more disturbed than I felt for YEARS!
But I’m in control on the outside… Just need to figure things out, from here onward.
anitaParticipantHello James and Thomas:
Here’s what AI (Copilot) says about your latest exchange: “The Core Disagreement- Thomas: Fatalistic, mystical, deterministic. Believes destiny is fixed, enlightenment is emptiness, and God’s call cannot be resisted.
“James: More open, relational, and gentle. Believes God invites freely, people have choice, and living in harmony with the universe is beautiful.
“By the end, they’re not really debating ideas anymore — they’re accusing each other of lying, which shows the conversation broke down.
“In plain terms: Thomas says ‘God’s call is irresistible, fate is fixed, and true freedom is dropping the mind into emptiness.’ James replies ‘No, God invites freely, you have choice, and living naturally with body and mind is beautiful.’
“Then they start calling each other liars because they can’t reconcile their views.”
Personally, I (Anita) 👍 James’s views over Thomas’s 👎, but I won’t call either one “a liar”..
So, “Real Spirituality” requires 2 boys NOT fighting on the playground.. ?
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Q:
I said that you are a good person; I didn’t say you are a saint, Q.
Hey, I am definitely not a saint. I am working on becoming a better and better human, it’s a process.
I understand your skepticism, Q, the logistics of it, yes.
“Anyway, looking back I don’t think what I said was unkind,”- I agree: you said nothing unkind.
“Maybe my accusation of them sleeping together was unkind.”- you have feelings, Q, you are human, you are allowed to get angry when you feel that you’re being lied to.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
I said quite a few prayers today. I started praying again only recently in regard to the sale of the winery. I didn’t pray in regard to money, I prayed for a fast sale because of owner’s mental/ physical health affected by the place not being sold for so long although on the market (it’s a buyer market at this time).
I then prayed for my continued healing and for the health of a few people across the world.
And then I found something positive to thank God for: that no one got injured or died as a result of drinking alcohol here (I’d know about it through a lawsuit). To acknowledge this very positive thing made me feel lighter for the first time today. It would be a terrible guilt if that happened.. (relief!)
And then after walking on the premises and around for almost 3 hours, I came back inside, using not my own computer and I read about your new problems with your spine.. and I prayed for your symptoms to ease and for you to experience the most healing that’s possible for you (“and beyond”, I added, beyond the possible, that is).
As I read that you were sitting, answering me while in pain.. I what’s the word, I don’t have the right word.. beyond appreciation. But of course, I wouldn’t want you to experience any pain at all, and none on account of typing a message for me. So, I will not expect long messages like before. A few sentences would be enough, if you’re not in pain for sitting for a few sentences.
Tee: “I hope and pray it’s not wishful thinking, but a real possibility 🤞 🙏”- Anita: I am praying right now: “God, I pray that healing for Tee is a real possibility. and beyond a possibility. I pray for a miracle. In Jesus name, Amen. 🤞 🙏
I am hearing the second owner gathering his stuff (tractors and such, having them towed to his home). I can’t believe that this Friday, I will not be here. Oh, as to your question, there will be no more winery here, it’ll be a horse’s place, horses are an industry.
I have mentioned “the taproom” in posts before- that’s not the winery; it’s a different location 4 miles from here.
Thank you so much Tee for your kind words, your empathy, your passion for the truth (a rare passion).
I may have not responded to everything you wrote, I will later.
Please take care of one of a kind Tee.
🙏 🤍 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Q: I will read and reply by tomorrow 🙂
Anita
anitaParticipant* Correction: Gerard
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
I read your post earlier this morning and reread it now. I agree with everything you said, thank you!
When I read this part earlier: “I too have nice memories from my childhood that involve my mother, but it’s mostly when we were in the company of other adults and their children. That’s when I had a good time, because my mother wasn’t focused on me, so I was free to enjoy my time with those children.”-
I was amazed because I never read or heard anyone express this and I could have written this myself-
The only nice memories from my childhood that involve my mother were when she and I and my sister were guests at aunt Suzi (not the oldest). I was free from her attention, she… wasn’t focused on me.
Maybe a bit in the homes of another, youngest aunt and in the home of uncle Morris (there were many more visits at aunt Susi’s home than anywhere else.
* No nice memories from others visiting our apartment because of her offering food and me getting angry at others supposedly taking advantage of her.
“When I was alone with my mother, I don’t remember too much joy because she would often criticize me, or not be supportive of me, or just in general be unhappy and complain about her ‘sad life’. And so there wasn’t much joy in my interactions with my mother..”-
I could have written this too.. only I’d replace “I don’t remember too much joy” with “I remember lots of misery” 😔
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Alessa:
Thank you for your empathy and for encouraging me to be assertive and share my feelings about things 😊
And Alessa- you didn’t deserve a second of the abuse you suffered!
Currently, my favorite color is white as in snow/ the white heart emoji I close my posts with (Used to be turquoise).
I am glad that you had a ton of therapy as well as specific postpartum therapy and medication, and that things are easier for you now, that you love your son and enjoy being a mother.
You wrote, “I don’t want to make this about me.”- please do make this about you. You deserve time and positive attention!
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Gerald:
I want to give your message my best attention, and I will later, tonight or Wed morning (it’s Tue morning here). I’ll get back to you by tomorrow.
Take care and feel free to post again- if you need to- before I return.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Friend 😊
I am tired but feeling okay, thank you for the venting offer!
Seems like Hinge and Instagram dating is a number game for everyone there. Actively talking to 2 right now, and perhaps a 3rd is probably more than many men are talking with.
I read (AI) that “there are generally more men than women on dating apps like Hinge and Instagram-based dating in India. Studies and reports show that men make up the majority of users, often around 60–70% of the user base, while women are a smaller proportion….
Reports consistently note that men dominate dating apps in India, reflecting broader cultural patterns where men are more likely to sign up for online dating… This imbalance means male users face more competition for matches, while female users often receive more attention…
“Why the Imbalance Exists- * Cultural factors: Men in India are more likely to experiment with dating apps, while women may face social stigma or safety concerns. * Tech adoption: Men are statistically more represented in India’s smartphone and internet user base, which translates into higher male participation on apps. * Safety and privacy: Women often prefer apps with stronger safety features (like Bumble, which lets women message first), leading to fewer women on male-heavy platforms.”
Hmm.. I wonder if you should try Bumble..?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantGood reading from you, Gerald! You are very welcome. I am tired but well. How are you?
anitaParticipantDear q 🙂
1st question: “how do you know I’m a good person?”-
1) The way you treated me from the first time you submitted a post for me and ever since”
q: “I notice you comment a lot here and leave a lot of kind messages when people need it. You have a good heart!!… Your kind words mean a lot to me. I spent some time rereading everything you wrote so I could internalize it. Thank you for taking the time to write.” (June 16)
“Hello Anita, I hope you are doing well! You mentioned that you had some suggestions for a grounding exercise. Could you please share them with me? Thank you!” (June 18)…
“Genuine question, how do you know I’m a good person?” (Dec 2)- you honor me by trusting me with this question.
2) After the breakup, you wrote: “I still care very much for her and hopes she’s doing well.” (Sept 18). You were hurt but you didn’t turn bitter/ vengeful, and still wished her well
3) Guilt. q: “And to be honest, I still have some trouble overcoming the guilt I have. After doing some introspection post break up, I acknowledge and understand the fault I have in the break up and it makes me feel primarily responsible. And also because of that, the man inside of me wants to fix things and make things right, which makes it even harder to let go.” (Sept 22)
Bad people rationalize their bad behavior and externalize blame (blaming and abusing someone who is not guilty), but you’ve never blamed her or anyone else.. but yourself.
2nd question: “why do I still want her back even though I know it doesn’t make sense?”-
I think that the answer, or part of the answer is in what you wrote here: “I think I find external validation stronger than internal validation” (Sept 19).
Unable to adequately validate yourself as a good person.. you are still waiting for her to give you this kind of validation.
Back on Sept 22, you wrote: “it brings me to the next cycle – Feel guilty – Want to fix things – Can’t let go of the past / thoughts are still lingering on the break up. Then it repeats itself.”-
Maybe you are (still) waiting for her to restore your belief that you are a good person?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear q: I’ve been there.. feeling strange, estranged… Easy, q. It’s okay. You’re okay… sh.. (calm), you’re a good person, you deserve pace of mind.
I’ll be back to you Tues morning (it’s Non night here)
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantWhatever comes to mind, listening to the old, old music of my youth:
It’s strange how much younger I feel now than I felt 50 years ago, 40 ago, and so on.
I feel younger, lighter.. (weird when I accidently face a mirror.. What the hell.. What happened to my face? When?>>)
Stuck in half a century+ of relentless shame, guilt, distrust… and then shaken into LIFE and finding myself approaching elderly.. For Crying Out Loud-
I didn’t yet get to do Young..!!
What are those wrinkles about, white hair, thinning skin.. What the.. How did I get to be old BEFORE I got to be young..?
How?
Don’t know. The mirror doesn’t lie.
Actually, I do know- It takes a “mother” who relentlessly SHAMES the little girl born through her, having nowhere else to go. No Way Out or Away.
So, these days, talking to people IRL, not seeing myself in a mirror, I FEEL like a teenager, a young one. And I see other middle-aged and elderly as fellow teenagers.
Filling in the huge gap of an unlived life.
Wanting to hold the hand of a 62-year old (a woman/ girl I know) and drag her to the sandy playground to play.
Really, this IS how I feel.. I feel.
How old am I? Y.O.U.N.G, that’s how young.
Youth can really be put on hold for 50 years, it really happens, it happened here, to me.
If I could go back half a century of a hiccup that kept going for half+ century, I’d drink a lot of water and get rid of that hiccup.
How did I get to be old before I got to be young..???
I am listening right now to a Hebrew song called “Ima” (mother), and it still makes me smile because of the dream involved.. “Ima, the highest one, ‘my queen'”, the song says.
Here, I am playing it again, “Ima… to make you happy… Ima, Ima.. the moon sings to you.. You’re with me.. I’ll build castles for you, my queen..”-
Yes, this definitely resonates.
“You’re with me.. Ima.. I’ll build castles for you, Ima”- Well, I tried.. You know the story, Tee.
More Hebrew music.. Beautiful, Hebrew music.. Shlomo Artzi is his name.. And another, Shashi Keshet is his name… And Yosi Banai.
Bed time approaching.
If I am to summarize all this in a sentence or two, I’d say: a mother can easily be the No 1 force of construction (didn’t experience this aspect, wouldn’t know), or destruction (experienced that..).
Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 