Hello Confused:

“Well, how do we do that since we haven’t been taught when we were kids? I think that’s a big issue for me.”-

It’s difficult to love a person you don’t like, isn’t it? On the other hand, it may be easy to love someone you like.

My mother’s words and behaviors sent me the message that she didn’t like me, that she was far from approving of me. For as long as I gave her the authority to determine my (non) worth, I neither liked nor loved myself.

Does this resonate with you?

“If I do that (hugging yourself), it feels strange/cringe and fake in a way. Like myself doesn’t believe me, it feels like something unknown to me.”- Are you willing to make it KNOWN for yourself, to take that leap of faith yourself.. or are you waiting for someone else (such as a romantic interest) to make that leap for you?

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused: I’ll reply in a few hors.

Dear James:

This morning, I feel stupid (and that’s okay). ALL THIS TIME, I thought you were speaking from a Non‑Duality perspective, but now I see that you used the language of NON-DUALITY, but your actual view is NIHILISM.

Nihilism says there’s nothing underneath or beyond the personal self. Non‑duality says the personal self isn’t ultimately real, but instead of “nothing,” it points to an impersonal awareness or consciousness that everything arises from and returns to, saying that individual people are like waves in the ocean, waves arise (born) and fall (die) but the ocean (universal, non-personal consciousness) remains.

You say: there is no ocean. There is Nothing.

Non-duality says: the personal self is not ultimately real, but what remains is awareness (the ocean), not Nothing. Death dissolves the person (the wave), but it does not dissolve consciousness (ocean). There is no ‘void’ to fear after death.

In your most recent post, James, you shared: “I lived in darkness and silence for 1 year and meditated around 8 to 10 hours per day.”-

This is an extreme, highly unusual kind of sensory deprivation and social isolation, James. That kind of experience can absolutely reshape someone’s worldview, but the direction it takes depends on the person, so I read:

Meditation doesn’t automatically produce peace or enlightenment. It amplifies whatever is already inside the person. So, if you were already leaning toward nihilism, then the 1-year sensory deprivation and isolation could have deepened and solidified your nihilism.

You believe life has no built‑in meaning. My goodness, James, this is NOT TRUE. But we’ll have to agree to disagree (at least, this is my intention).

I believe that there is a consciousness beyond individual death. You’re giving way TOO MUCH importance to the Ego when you claim, basically- that Nothing Else Exists (NEE, if you will, lol)

Anita

I will reply most attentively tomorrow, Confused (Clear sooner than later), in about 10-12 hours from now.

Anita

Hello again, Confused:

“I feel like a really bad person and a fraud..”- These two words describe EXACTLY how I felt for way, way too long. It’s not a good feeling, to say the least.

“Right now my romantic feelings are ‘off’ for anyone.”- Accept it that they’re off. Let them be off. Trying to pressure them into an “on” will only serve to keep them off longer.

“I think what returned first is the lust, love might take a while.”- lust is more physical/ less emotional than love.

“I felt ‘pressured’.. I can’t really tell if I have legitimately fallen out of love or I am still numb in that department. I hope it’s the latter”- Allow yourself the freedom and privilege to feel whatever you’re feeling. Feelings don’t react well to being judged! you are allowed to fall out of love, really! You are allowed to go numb. Let yourself be 🙂

“You are very spot on with all the things that you said. This is indeed how I grew up and calmness equaled distance between my parents (because if they weren’t fighting each other, they were calm, which meant either distant or that a fight would break out soon, even with me)”- The Quiet before the Storm.

“I did learn subconsciously that chaos/intensity=feelings, possibly love even and at times within my relationships I’ve felt like I crave some light ‘drama’ to feel ‘alive'”- when depressed, a jolt of drama/ excitement is refreshing, a break from the monotony of depression.

“I definitely crave intense feelings, infatuation and novelty. I feel like my life is meaningless without them and I am depressed (like now).”- A depressed person definitely crave for a break, for something different, something opposite (JOY)

“I think I am drawn to fixing others.”- so that they will fix you in return?

“I think I didn’t care about fixing my mother, but I was the one she was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which I would only respond ‘just break up’ because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11.”- Role Reversal: the kid trying to help/ fix/ support the parent.

“She was like that to me too, but since I am a male, I would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and I was able to overpower her.”- My goodness, this would be traumatic for any child, male or female.

“My mother also had Tourette syndrome, what a coincidence! I also dreamt of being loved and finding romance, since I was a pretty shy kid with no experience in girls until the age of 20.”- did she have lots of motor tics? Vocal tics?

I was shy too.. Still am in some ways.

“I would commit illegal activities… Maybe I was searching for dopamine hits or a place to belong to.”- A depressed person needs a break, well, repeating breaks, excitement. I relate!

“Yeah she had* (she passed 10 years ago). It’s a hell of a coincidence that those things align! The details were there for me too, sadly. I don’t blame them though, no one knows how to be a parent when u are at it for the first time in your life.”-

But, Confused, what if their aim was not to parent.. but to.. nothing more than to relieve themselves from their own distress using what was in front of them: their children, those dependent on them, those not protected by anyone..?

Anita

Dear James / Everyone:

I really appreciated Alessa’s comment: “Do I think James means badly? No. He is just James.”
I feel the same. From everything I’ve seen, James’s intentions have consistently been good, and his way of expressing things has actually been increasingly helpful to me.

Looking back at James’s posts since July 18, what stands out is how steady and kind his tone was for a long time. He responded with patience, empathy, and openness, and was often kind and supportive.

Since Sept 2, the discussions around his messages became more intense. Some of the responses to him were very strong, and in my view, a number of the criticisms were based on assumptions or interpretations that didn’t match what he was actually saying and they seem unfair or unfounded.

What I noticed is that James continued to respond calmly and kindly for a long time, even when the tone toward him became sharp and sharper. It wasn’t until October 5 that James sounded defensive (as far as I can tell), and given the amount of pressure he had been under, I can understand how that can happen. One moment of frustration doesn’t erase months of steady, well‑intentioned, and valuable communication.

I also want to acknowledge my own part. At times, I joined in the criticism. I’ve apologized for that, and this message is part of my effort to take responsibility and express things more clearly.

I hope this helps bring a bit more balance to how we look at the recent interactions. For me, James’s way of expressing things has value, even if it doesn’t resonate with everyone. And I think all of us are doing our best to communicate from where we are.

I intend to continue to quote James’s words every day (later today) and learn from them.

Thank you, James!

🤍🤍🤍 Anita