I just got a call on my phone and lost a whole poem I wrote here.

It was a call in regard to my first senior citizen (65), medicare call tomorrow.

I lost a whole long message.. Just because I’m a damn senior citizen!

A whole lots of 🍷 wasted, no poetry to show for it!

The music I am listening to right now: “I will always love you, however long I take. I will always love you”, “I feel love that money can’t buy… anything you want, you got it, anything you need”.

In the lost message I wrote about the huge notebook I had when I was a teenager or in my very early 20s where I wrote poems. One I remember was about me lying on the street in despair, asking or begging for someone to extend a hand to me, to help me stand up.

My mother found that notebook (no wonder, it was huge) and read some of it. Her response was her typical shaming condemnation- that shaming look I know only too well.

(Not empathy, Peter.. a Hardened Heart)

Her legacy in my life = S.H.A.M.E.

The poem was about how long I have waited for her to love me, to make me okay.

Let’s see if I can poem- dance it now:

In the core of me
There’s my mother
An undying love
She’d never know
I loved her so, so, so, so.. so, much
And she’d never know.

That’s it.

Hey Dear Confused:

“It was something far from the present” (moving 2 her country)- was it far from the present in your heart, hers?

I mean, neither one of you was emotional about the idea of you moving countries & living together(in 2027, I suppose)?

At times you do have strong feelings, about her and otherwise (that’s why you cry 😢, that’s why you have such a good time talking to her – at times.)

The belief that you’re supposed to ALWAYS feel in-love is not helping your depression. It’s a false belief that creates an unrealistic expectation.

If you could correct this belief.. it could help.

Part of my 2-years CBT therapy was just about that: identifying “core beliefs”, questioning whether they are true or false, and if false- correcting them.

What do you think about that?

✨️ Anita

Hey Confused:

I see: it’s both.

Yes, we talked about it back in Dec., and a few times since: you were scared about leaving behind what’s comfortable and familiar to you and moving to a new country.

I don’t think that you were “mistakenly” scared: it really is scary for most, if not for everyone to leave behind what’s comfortable and familiar.

No wonder then that you saw her as a “threat”- not because she’s dangerous but because living with her would involve something that felt dangerous (moving).

And understandably, you started seeing her as a burden- because if it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t be burdened by something that scares you (moving).

I don’t think that it’s you being scared of moving OR depression. It’s both. It’s known that anxiety and depression are related, the first often leads to or the second.

How can you undo it?

Don’t know.

She’s still in 🇩🇪 for studies, right? So, the idea of moving to 🇨🇾 is supposed to be when?

There’s also the timing issue, you feeling that she rushed it.

🤔 Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

In your last post you wrote: “I was thinking she would be hurt and leave me, so my mind went to freeze mode/avoidance for protection?”-

In my last message I reacted to the I was thinking she would be hurt part”, spontaneously projecting my experience of guilt, having put myself 2nd to the person I felt that I had hurt.

This morning, I see that I didn’t see the other part of your sentence, that you were thinking she’d leave you.

Did you feel guilty for possibly hurting her or were you more afraid that she’d leave you?

🤔 Anita

Good morning, Sonia 🙂

Congratulations for evolving and deciding that you don’t want a friendship that’s draining you, and for slowly letting go of the people-pleasing-rescuer-role (even though it’s a painful process) 👍

You started your first thread on Jan 19, exactly 3 months ago. On your first post on that date, you wrote that you were worried that if you become more distant, he will fall into depression, or deeper depression.

Fast forward, he closed the doors and you’re wondering, if I understand correctly, if in reality you were as important/ helpful to him as you thought you were.

First, I want to say that it’s natural to think/ feel this way after spending so much time and energy trying to help him while sacrificing yourself doing so (his feelings mattered most).

Second, your friendship story reminds me of my relationship with my mother. To me, her feelings mattered and mine didn’t. I was solely focused on her well- being (lack of, more accurately 😔), trying my best to help her.

Fast forward, as an adult, I distanced myself from her to the point of kindly letting her know that there’ll be no more contact between the two of us.

After that, I received one card from her (for my birthday) and that was the extent of her contacting me for years to come.

As time went by I realized that I was surprised that she didn’t try to contact me beyond that one card in which she didn’t ask me to renew contact, as far as I remember (that was 12 years ago).

In My Mind- because she was so important to me- I thought or felt (without even realizing it) that I was equally as important to her. Now I know this to be Projection: seeing in her what was true for me, not what was true for her).

I know I’m talking about a mother while you’re talking about a friend, but does any of this resonate with you?

🤔 Anita

Dear myoid/ Arden:

I am posing here because I want to email your Gmail address tomorrow, THREE years after you offered it, just in case it’d make a difference

🤍 Anita

Good 🌃-🌄 🌙-🦉 Confused:

Thank you for not leaving without telling me and 4 not judging my emojis 🙏

Why the connection suddenly felt like a burden rather than enjoyment?

Was it:

A. her anxiety (going into possible future scenarios, trying to solve problems that weren’t there)?

B. Was it the talk about you moving to a different country, leaving the familiar behind?

C. Something else?

🤔 Anita

* You know I’m emoji-sensitive, so.. I just looked at the above and noticed that I submitted one with red hearts on its face. I mistakenly (poor eyesight and no glasses on) thought it was an emoji blowing a red whistle, or wearing a red party hat as a gesture of celebration (that you’re still here).

I didn’t see the hearts and don’t want to appear weird for sending red hearts to a young man. That would be 🤢-able.

🥳 more like it, Anita