Dear Tee:

I wanted to share this with you because it just happened. I called my sister, something I dread doing only because she might mention the mother.. So, I am talking with her and wanting to end the conversation just because of being afraid she’ll mention her.. which she hasn’t done for the longest time. So, on the phone, she said: “I know you don’t like the topic being brought up”, and of course, I knew what topic she was talking about.. and I said: “Yes, you cant talk, say anything to anyone, just not to me”. And the conversation ended a moment or two later, I was telling her to have a restful night.

As I hung up, before I did and after, my heart was beating fast and not in a good way, I was feeling badly. I figured she wanted to tell me that the mother was dying and maybe I should talk to her before she dies. And .. well, I found myself suffering after the phone call. Because of recent practice, I let myself feel what I was feeling, not trying to suppress or escape it, and I watched the feeling of feelings subside. And I talked to myself, saying: Huh.. yes, this is how it was, how it was.. being around her, the mother, that’s the effect I experienced of her being in my life.. the legacy she left in me, this very suffering.

And then I felt empathy for myself, I redirected my attention from where it’d normally go (guilt for the mother’s suffering, me being bad.. that PAIN.. orbiting around her being the Center) to me being the Center, my Center, being on my side and.. the distress CALMED down. I didn’t – don’t feel guilty.

What do you think, Tee?

Dear Tee:

“I’m still in the waiting phase because first the imaging has to be done, and only then the doctor’s appointment. So still waiting, trying to stay positive, but from time to time I do start worrying, then I stop and collect myself, and so… it’s a battle for the mind at this point 🙂” (7+ hours ago)-

You are amazing, adding a smiley face- that’s a show of courage.

“Dear Anita, sorry for being brief (and a little somber – I guess that’s the product of my health anxiety at the moment). I’d like to respond in greater detail to some points in your posts, but got to go for now.”-

You shared before that you are into Christian Mysticism. I am looking at quotes from “The Little Book of Christian Mysticism”, looking for something that you may like at this time (you probably read them all, this is the first time looking into these quotes). Here’s one:

“The important thing is not to think much, but to love much; do, then, whatever most arouses you to love.” — Saint Teresa of Ávila.

I want to adopt this attitude, as in when I’m in pain, emotional or physical (or both), to not think much about it, but to focus my attention on loving.. loving myself, loving others.

Here’s another:

“Be at peace with your own soul, then heaven and earth will be at peace with you. Eagerly enter into the treasure house that is within you, and so you will see the things that are in heaven; for there is but one single entry to them both. The ladder that leads to the Kingdom is hidden within your soul.” — Saint Isaac the Syrian

The above is absolutely beautiful. I want to post it in future replies to members. (I see you in the above quotes as well as in others that I just read from this book).

Looking for quotes elsewhere:

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.” – Mary Anne Radmacher

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” – Dale Carnegie

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle.” – Christian D. Larson

“You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” – Timber Hawkeye

I think you’d really like this one: “The truth is we’re all a little bit broken. We must learn to love the broken pieces of ourselves – be gentle and empathetic with ourselves, and others.” – Karen Salmansohn

I’d like to reply to the rest of your post later. Thinking about you, Tee 🤞 🤞 🤞

🫶 ❤️ Anita