Dear Tee:

“Actually I was feeling quite good yesterday, not too much pain thankfully. It’s a good feeling to be pain-free, or almost pain-free in my body, even if it’s just for a short while. So I appreciated it. 🙏 Let’s hope today will be similar 🤞😊”-

I do hope so! 🙏 🍀 🤞 🍀 😊

As I read the above, I noticed that it’s a good feeling to be tic-free in my body.. even if it’s just for a short while, and to breathe comfortably (not holding my breath).

“I’m sorry that no one acknowledged your pain before… I can imagine people back at home told you platitudes, like ‘your mother did the best she could, she sacrificed so much for you, you should be grateful to your mother, your mother loves you’, and stuff like that, right?”- Right. Again, it’s like you were there.

“What about later, in therapy? Have you talked about your childhood in therapy?”- Yes, I did share (2011-13) and I received enough support from my therapist at the time to decide (2013) to end contact with the mother. But what happened next was very disappointing to me, almost heart breaking: he did not support my decision. He was neither for it or against it. He definitely did not express approval of it. So, I thought: if he agreed with me about how terrible it was, why wouldn’t he support ending contact with her?

I interpreted his lack of approval and support as.. a repeat of any of the messages you listed above, as well as this message: Mother is Always Right (even when she is wrong), and A daughter Must Never End Contact with Her Mother No Matter What.

Shortly after, therapy ended as I left the State to another.

“Yes, I really do. I hear you. I believe you. I trust that it happened. And that it was horrific 🙁”- Thank you, Tee. You are the best ✨ ✨ ✨

“I’ve received a small portion of the similar type of shaming from my mother too. It wasn’t nearly as extensive, but I’ve never felt good in my body. I felt ashamed of myself, and that included my body too.”- I am sorry that you too suffered this kind of pain 🙁

“I can imagine how painful it was for you to hear those shaming words.. I’m now thinking that she used to bathe you and dress you into your teenage years. Is that when the body-related shaming started?”-

The body related shaming started way earlier. I just remembered something I didn’t think about for a long time. I was in the bathtub. It wasn’t a big bathtub, quite narrow. It was me (I was skinny) and my sister lying down in the bathtub, so I think I was maybe 7 or 8. This is what I remember so very clearly: when the mother entered the bathroom, I was alarmed and immediately turned over so that my back was facing her. I didn’t want the front facing her. I didn’t want my back facing her, but of the two options, her seeing my back side was preferrable to the front.

She shamed everyone’s bodies, meaning, in her conversations with her sisters, mostly on the phone, she’d gossip a lot and talk in derogatory ways about women’s bodies, how faulty they are (for not being model-like perfect), how they should be ashamed of themselves for not adequately covering their imperfections with loose/ modest clothing & such. There was a whole lot of such talking that I heard second hand. She used very vulgar words for a woman’s.. private part in her conversations. And there was no way to not hear her talking because the apartment was a very small 1-bdr apartment.

As a child and onward, I knew about neighbors’ and cousins’ sexual practices because she talked about such on the phone. A lot. And there was a lot of shaming involved. There was absolutely no censorship in her talking to her sisters on the phone (or in person), considering there was a child present. I remember seeing the people she talked about in real life and having the images in my mind of what they were doing sexually. It was very unpleasant for me to have those images.

As far as the bathing as a teenager- that was excruciating. It was traumatic. To say NO to her didn’t even cross my mind. Not an option. But at one point on, I negotiated and was allowed to wash parts of me on my own. And at one point on, I was to be in the bathroom alone and was myself on my own, then call her to come in and wash my back and head only(she said I couldn’t do it right on my own). So, I’d wash, call her name, she’d come in and I’d cover myself with 1 or 2 hands I had available. I had to choose what to cover. I didn’t want her to see anything of my body, but had to choose what to prioritize hiding. I was very uptight the whole time she was there.

I clearly remember her hands scrubbing my head, digging into my scalp so hard that it was painful. I remember making a noise, a quiet noise indicating it was painful but it didn’t help. She washed my head as if it was a very dirty appliance that needed to be scrubbed hard.

After the ordeal, I remember being very clean and in pajamas and feeling so relieved that I was finally covered, safe within the pajamas, nakedness unseen. I don’t remember until what age she washed me and how it came about that she stopped.

All this part I just shared, I didn’t share it with my therapist at the time.. or if I did, only a tiny bit of it (don’t remember at all)

“It’s not too much, Anita. I’ve experienced a small portion of it myself, so I understand.”- I hope it’s still not too much. I would very much like to read your thoughts and understanding of al this.

“What is more challenging to me is how to help you, since I’m not a therapist. And so I’m thinking that I should refrain from suggesting various corrective exercises, since some of those might be triggering for you.

“I’m almost sure that you would benefit from some type of somatic therapy, e.g. Somatic Experiencing (which I think you mentioned in a response to a member a while ago). Because it involves working with the body (where the trauma is stored), but in a very gentle, gradual way, so that you never get overwhelmed. I think somatic therapy involves various corrective exercises too, but again, it happens in an orderly way, tailored to each individual’s needs.

“So I’m a bit reluctant to suggest those exercises, because I’m not an expert, and trauma healing is best done with expert guidance..”-

I think you are very correct here: I would benefit from somatic therapy/ experiencing. In the context of self-help (not therapy), if you feel comfortable, you are welcome to suggest a small, mild exercise for me..? I would like that.

“Those are all very good affirmations, Anita. Just one observation, if I may: I think that from the perspective of the inner child, you don’t even need to put a stress on holding yourself accountable. Because being a child is primarily about feeling loved, cared for, and care-free. Holding yourself accountable is more a feature of your adult self.

“So perhaps your inner child – little girl Anita – should simply be loved, nurtured, gently held, soothed… (by your adult self), without any expectations on her, including the expectation to be accountable for her words and actions.

“Expectations come later in life, but as infants and toddlers, we should be mostly just receiving, without being expected to give anything in return (now it occurs to me that it would be the closest feeling to unconditional love, I guess: just receiving the goodness, soaking it in, and not being expected to earn it in any way). What do you say?”-

I say: you are correct, Tee. I agree. I didn’t notice this point, so thank you for bringing it up (and for doing it so thoughtfully and gently).

When I read the word “receiving” in “we should be mostly just receiving”, as in, the inner child receiving.. I felt alarmed, as in receiving the mother’s hands on my naked body, or receiving her hands scrubbing my hurting scalp..

Thank you, Tee, for being a safe place for me to recall and share all this, safe, supportive, intelligent, understanding.. amazing ✨ ✨ ✨

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita

Dear Tee:

This time I read your whole message before responding because I know that I am not ready this morning to process it part by part (I intend to do that by this evening).

I very much like everything you wrote and am very motivated to do the STOP the Shaming Words Exercise that you suggested.

As far as the false accusations/qualifications that she was hurling at me, and then counter them with true statements. I too was concerned about giving her shaming, guilt-tripping words more power by repeating them. I am open to suggestions on this matter. Maybe it will get clear to me later.

Oh, and by the way, I started incorporating strengthening the quadriceps into my daily exercise yesterday, following your advice (strengthening the gluteus muscles has been part of my daily exercise for years).

“So, Uncle Morris seems to have grown up into a pretty balanced, emotionally healthy man. May I ask if he and your mother (and their other siblings) grew up in the same circumstances? Was he too an orphan? Please answer only if you feel comfortable talking about it..”-

It’s something I thought about years ago. Yes, he was orphaned too and while she was sent to an orphanage kind of institution, and later, lived with her very abusive older sister, he was sent to live in a Kibbutz where he was terribly abused, mercilessly beaten on a regular basis by one of the kibbutz’s residents, a sadistic holocaust survivor- for a long, long time. That abuse may have been the reason for his severe seizures/ epilepsy.

I just wondered if the physical abuse can cause epilepsy, asked Copilot, answer: “physical abuse that results in head trauma—especially repeated or severe injuries—can lead to post-traumatic epilepsy, a form of epilepsy caused by brain injury.”

For some reason, unlike the other siblings, he was interested in reading about psychology, got himself self-educated and attentive to the psychological development of his children. Each one of them grew up to be a unique individual with his/ her own unique path in life, and successful (last I remember.. and I remember wondering how it came up to be many years ago).

Again, that one memory of him asking me a question (about my inner experience, thoughts, feelings.. don’t remember the specific question) with honest curiosity and a friendly invitation to answer him- that was a unique experience for me, an oasis in a vast desert. But I didn’t answer him (the threatening in her eyes), and I don’t remember another such moment.

I will continue this reply/ exercise later.

Thank you so very much, Tee. You are making a huge difference in my life 🙏 🙏 🙏

I hope you are still feeling better..!!!

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita

Dear Tee:

“I hear you, Anita. She was pitying herself and portraying herself as the victim her entire life, and for the longest time, you believed her. You believed, or a part of you believed, that she indeed was a victim.

“But she wasn’t. She most likely was a victim as a child, but she chose to stay in the victim mentality in her adulthood too, and used her victimhood to abuse you. So as an adult – as your mother – she was the Perpetrator, not the Victim.”-

I never heard or read anyone saying this to me before, that as my mother, she was Perpetrator (and I was Victim). Growing up and beyond, when a child (of any age) expresses a significant disapproval of a mother, it is the child that’s labeled BAD. No one- my whole life- to this day, ever said to me: “as your mother – she was the Perpetrator”.

Mothers, where I grew up, had the societal permission to do whatever they wanted with their children, no questions asked, no disapproval and nobody’s business. Except if a mother would do something too extreme, like breaking literally her child’s bones (I am guessing that’s why she told me: “Do you think I am stupid? I will not break your bones!”)

“She played the victim so she wouldn’t need to look at herself and change. And she played the victim to manipulate and control others, primarily her children, who genuinely loved her and cared for her.

“So no, she wasn’t the Victim, she was the Perpetrator.

“You don’t need to have empathy for her, especially if that would mean agreeing with her narrative that she was the victim her entire life and that everybody else was against her, including you, her daughter. You don’t need to have empathy for the person who was hitting you, shaming you, guilt-tripping you, and enjoyed when you suffered.

“You don’t have to love that person either. You need to say No to that person. You need to stop believing her words, her lies, that she was repeating throughout the years: that she is your victim (and everybody else’s victim) and that it is you who is abusing her, not vice versa.

“You need to stop believing her false narrative. And you need to stop wanting love from her, or validation, or change of heart. She isn’t able to give it to you.

“It’s okay if you never ever want to speak to her again. Or see her in person. She doesn’t deserve it. This person doesn’t deserve your love and empathy. And you have no obligation towards her, since she’s hurt you immensely.”- thank you!

“And so yes, you should have empathy for yourself, not the person who abused you. Your mother was telling you that you’re nobody, you need to tell yourself that you’re special and worthy. Your mother was telling you that you’re a bad person who wanted to harm her. You need to tell yourself that you’re a good person who sincerely wanted to help her and relieve her pain. You need to tell yourself that you’re a good person.

“You need to counter every one of your mother’s lies, so that they don’t have power over you anymore. This I believe is a precondition for lasting healing.”- I want to do this as an exercise later.

“And no, you don’t need to have empathy for her, but for yourself. ❤️ 🫶 ❤️”- I feel like I am sitting in an office with Therapist Tee telling me words I have never heard before 🙏 🙏 🙏

“Haha, mostly yes, except when I have an acute health issue and then my health anxiety spikes and I can’t focus on much else.. but yeah, so far so good with this latest flare-up 😊”- You are a very good person who keeps her word and you are human ❤️.

“I totally understand you. You didn’t want to hurt her and you didn’t want to get yourself in trouble either. You were afraid of her reaction. All understandable, Anita.”- thank you for understanding so.. perfectly 😊

“Yes… perhaps you can inquire about him at your sister? But I understand that you don’t want to stir the pot now, causing commotion, and that you feel it’s better to keep things as they are. These are difficult and delicate things, by all means.”- yes, better not stir the pot. Uncle Morris has five adult children and as far as I know, they are all mentally healthy and successful in life (not a surprise, is it?). I am guessing he has lots of love and help from them.

“Absolutely… you loved her, she didn’t love you..”- thank you for being so clear.

“I’m happy about that ❤️”- ❤️

“As for your knee pain:… At this point it’s probably just a mild osteoarthritis, since you can still complete your daily walk without significant pain, right?”- yes, correct.

A few weeks ago though, I had a strange (new), significant, very localized pain in my left knee- it’d hurt to walk first thing in the morning particularly, and later on as well. What I did was to go on my walks anyway, and fast walks. I had it in mind that when people do physical therapy following injuries involving difficulties walking, they are supposed to keep walking (with the physical therapist around) while still in pain- instead of giving up and not moving at all until (and if) the pain is gone. During each walk, after a while, the pain was gone. Until one morning, it didn’t hurt anymore.

“If that’s the case, I suggest looking into preventative measures such as food supplements and physical exercise, specially strengthening the quadriceps and gluteus muscles, because that helps take the pressure off the knee joint. The stronger the muscles, the less stress on the joint.”- I just looked at a diagram of these muscles, will do. Still need to look into the food supplements.

“Haha.. I’ve got different concerns, part of it is hygiene, but also some other impracticalities… so I’m really not keen on going to swimming pools. But at the same time, I know it could help me, so by not going, I’m not doing myself a favor..”- I wish you had a private pool, just for yourself 🏊‍♀️

“You’re welcome, Anita. My back is feeling better, thankfully, but now my neck started hurting 😕, probably due to poor posture. I’m hoping to discuss all this with my orthopedic doctor, and get a good protocol for physical therapy 🤞”- 🤞 🤞 🤞, and I hope your neck stops hurting!

“Thanks Anita, yeah, I want to treat AI as a machine, not a person, and so I’m quite resistant to its ’empathy’ because I know it’s just a program. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very useful for getting facts and information (although it’s not 100% reliable either, because I had examples where it gave me false information, although that was rare). Anyway, facts and data – yes, emotional support no – that’s my stance towards AI 🙂”- and I respect your stance toward AI !!!

“But as I said, I very much appreciate your care and concern, and empathy ❤️”- you are amazing, Tee. I can’t tell you how.. grateful and well, amazed by you. I am quite speechless 😶 right now.

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 ❤️ Anita