Dear Nichole:

“I think I may just put responding on my list and start small by even just viewing posts and seeing what aligns. I feel like I have been getting the message lately that my suffering and consequential healing is not for nothing and that I can share my light with those in need.”-

I like the message very much: that your suffering and healing are not for nothing. Sharing your experience with others can make a difference, a positive difference for them and for yourself. Even if you help just one other person here in the forums, that would be a wonderful thing.

“Yes! I can relate to ALL of what you said in regard to the judging. Also, I am pretty tough on myself and can be that way to others.”-

The Inner Critic (criticizing ourselves) and the Outer Critic (criticizing others) are 2 sides of the same coin. If you overcriticize yourself, you are very likely to overcriticize others.

“And then I have to remind myself that I am not perfect (and should have never been or tried to be), so why am I placing that on someone else. Life is so much better when you are free to make mistakes anyway.”-

I can see that you can reply very well in the forums to someone struggling with an inner critic and the expectation to be perfect and never make mistakes!

“I think some of the judgement really comes down to fear. Fear of being disliked. As I have been going to this meeting, I am noticing the way I still people please and wish to be acknowledged by everyone in order to feel safety and free to be myself. I am hoping this week to focus on being more calm and going with the flow… Just have fun and enjoy myself.”-

Yes, people-pleasing is often a response to the fear of being disliked, rejected, or abandoned. It’s a coping mechanism rooted in the desire for approval and emotional safety.

In general, growing up in environments where love was conditional or where asserting oneself was unsafe can teach someone to prioritize others’ needs to avoid disapproval: saying yes when you want to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, constantly apologizing, even when unnecessary, feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs, and overanalyzing how others perceive you.

People pleasing is harmful because it leads to burnout and resentment, it undermines authentic relationships, and it prevents personal growth and self-expression

I wonder if it’d help, Nichole, for you to practice being calm with people, going with the flow, etc., at home alone, facing (I hope it doesn’t sound too silly) a pillow or a stuffed animal representing a person, or facing a mirror, as a form of practice before real-life practice with real people..?

🤍 Anita

It’s exciting to me, Going Through Life, that exactly FIVE minutes ago, across the globe, you submitted a post for me. Will answer tomorrow!

🤍 Anita

Good to read you’re fine now, me 🙂!

Dear Ann:

First thing this morning, I went back and read your posts in previous threads. Your first was on Sept 6, 2017 (8 years ago!). You were a college student back then, 25, I believe. After reading your Sept 6, 2017-July 12, 2020 posts as well as some of my replies to you, I read your above post (yesterday, Nov 6, 2025) for the first time.

First, I will quote some of our past communication which is very relevant, I believe, to your current struggle:

Sept 24, 2019: “I’ve always struggled with making friends and building strong connections with people… It doesn’t help that I have social anxiety… everything feels too much.”

Sept 25, 2019 (first post to me): “Anita – thank you for your response… Yes, I believe that growing up I didn’t get much of the emotional connection and bond with my parents, as a child and even growing up. So, I would feel like my family doesn’t understand how I feel and I would feel lonely. Which makes sense I would then crave/depend a lot on my ex partner for the emotional support and connection but even then, it was not enough.”

The next day, Sept 26, I wrote to you: “it is very difficult for a child to be alone with her feelings. Every unpleasant feeling becomes way more intense when she is alone with that feeling, unseen and misunderstood. I imagine you were angry then, and probably still, angry at your family for not seeing you and not understanding you. Am I correct?”

You answered on the same day: “Anita – I learned that a person’s relationship with a partner is a reflection of a person’s relationship with their caregiver/parent. I don’t feel the anger towards my parents anymore. But I do see the correlation of me trying to get that emotional need from my partner because I didn’t get that as a child or ever from my dad.

Anita Sept 25: “That is what happens most often when we experience a significant lack in childhood: we “don’t feel the anger toward (our) parents anymore” but we feel it toward our boyfriends/ partners in each and every relationship. You were jealous from the beginning of your now ex boyfriend’s friendships, expressed in your previous thread and in the post right above your post to me: “He always chose his best friends over me”.

“Problem is that you are likely to feel this kind of jealousy for your next boyfriend and the next… until you address the jealousy you felt as a child when one of your parents (or both) seemed to prefer other people over you… The old jealousy in childhood is likely to disrupt your relationships throughout life, if not addressed and resolved. I experienced a similar kind of jealousy myself and have made significant progress on the matter. Do you want to share about this old childhood jealousy?”

You replied Sept 27, 2019: “But yes, growing up I did feel a lot of jealousy and envy towards my younger sibling because everyone gave her more attention and care and I felt I lacked affection from them. But I do understand and realized it could be attachment trauma. The problem is I don’t know what I could do to heal or overcome it. I would prefer not going to a therapist because of financial issue at the moment.”

On July 11-12, 2020, you wrote: “I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself, but still can’t help feeling depressed from lack of emotional intimacy or closeness with anyone, even with my family… As for my family, growing up my parents and family gave me a lot of attention as I was the only child until when I was 8 years old, when my little sister was born. Since then, I felt like both my parents and family favored my sister and showered her with more attention and love than on me… I just don’t feel any emotional connection. Maybe I do feel a little bit with my mom, but we have our fights and disagreements and then my mom would say hurtful things to me at the heat of the moment, which hurts me a lot. I don’t think she realizes it or mean to do it but it just happens.

“With my sister, I’ve always envied that everyone favors her more that I sometimes have bad thoughts which I feel guilty and terrible for having. Because of it, I don’t feel close to my sister emotionally despite that we’ve been sharing the same bedroom… I just envy that my mom and sister’s relationship are so close. I feel I won’t ever have that closeness and it’s killing me.”. 

And now, fast forward more than 5 years to your yesterday post:

“We went on a weekend trip after a month of dating and that was great. I brought up about what we are looking or and want in a relationship, and we both want to get married and have kids. He would ask what kind of wedding I want, living together, etc… He would just wait for me patiently, but would always be on his phone while waiting for me. It did eventually bother me and I brought up to him that he’s too focused on his phone more than on me”-

Everything was going great until it wasn’t- and not because of a big item, but because he spent time on his phone while waiting for you. My best understanding is that him talking on the phone with someone else signaled to you that he un-chose you in favor of whomever he was talking to on the phone, that he chose that other person over you.

I think that the theme of your emotional core wound is that sadly, growing up, you lost the attention you received, particularly from your mother, when your sister was born (you were 8). You felt unchosen, and this wound keeps bleeding into your romantic relationships.
Seems to me that he was just bored waiting to you, since you were busy getting ready to leave.. and so, he was on his phone. I don’t think it meant that he un-chose. It just felt that way because your emotional wound was triggered and it started to bleed again..

“It wasn’t until around June, during one of his close friend’s wedding, that he blurted out to one of the best man (also his friend), that if things do work out between me and him, he would be his best man too because they discussed this years before.”-

When I read the above ad before I read what follows, I thought it was a wonderful thing that he said what he said, how romantic. I imagined you’d be as happy as I would have been, in your place.

I was then surprised to read what followed, “After that, it bothered me a lot because it seemed like he was unsure now”-
You skipped the positive (that he was thinking about marrying you), and focused on a negative, or a potential negative (that he said “if things work out”)

“I felt resentment towards him after that, and maybe was a little cold sometimes.”- you treated him as if he did something wrong when he told his friend that he might be his best man if he marries you. But he did nothing wrong when he said what he said.

I share with you the real pain of growing up unchosen. I too projected that experience into adult encounters and relationships, so much so, that a healthy relationship was not possible for me, not romantic and not otherwise. I lived a lonely life craving connection yet deprived of it because the past childhood wound kept bleeding into adult circumstances and relationships.

“Again, I brought up about the emotional distance thing I felt and that we are disconnected….”- That moment at the wedding could have been a reason for closeness between you and him, but it turned to suspicion and anger on your part, and the result: a growing distance.

You ended the post with: “But after that conversation, he just seem even more drawn back… I just don’t know what to do at this point.”-

Hopefully with therapy (if you choose it), through a connection with a therapist, you can address the emotional wound. It’s not a physical wound but it’s very real nonetheless, and it’s likely to reopen again and again, triggered by .. anything, any word or behavior on the part of a romantic partner that suggests- in your mind- that you are unchosen, left behind, and the like.

Sometimes, a romantic partner may be dishonest and you’re not just imagining things (we talked about one years ago, H), but in the case of the current, seems to me that it’s your wound that’s been doing your thinking, so to speak.

Other than therapy, try to connect to others.. maybe connect here, with me. Healing is done through healing connections with others.

I would love to read your thoughts about what I wrote here, what you agree with, what you disagree (my understanding is not perfect, of course). Let me know..?               

🤍 Anita