This is what I was saying about myself back on Jan 11, 2022 having no idea at the time that I was saying it. Below are my words above, changing pronouns:

I was a victim of an unstable, unreliable, unpredictable angry mother who terribly mistreated me- an abusive, crazy mother, an anxious restless woman who looked to me to calm her anxiety, to make her feel good- single mindedly focused on what I may be doing wrong.

Although she has suffered from anxiety and low self- esteem way before I entered her life, she was looking at me as the cause of her anxiety that way preceded me, blaming me for what I had no part in causing. Whenever she was not okay, it had to be my fault, something I did wrong.

Complaining, demanding, arguing, trying to control me- she exhausted me. Her accusatory, blaming finger kept pointing at my direction.

I was never the cause of her anxiety and anger, but she assigned me with the responsibility nonetheless, attacking my very character, referring to me as arrogant, selfish, etc.

I (tried to) accommodate her requests, but she was never satisfied nor grateful. (It was) my fault, my lazy habits. Her anxious mind kept looking for what is wrong (with me).

GETTING ANGRIER, distrustful and controlling, she didn’t give me the space I needed.

She looked for the problem and the solution in my behavior, not in her behavior.

I felt I was suffocated, that I wasn’t making my own decisions. I felt that I no longer loved her.

I tried to comfort her, she tried to make me feel guilty.

She did not accept responsibility for leading the relationship along a very dysfunctional path. Instead, she blamed me yet again. She kept blaming me.

She never started the healing process from her childhood wounds. She did not examine her defeating behaviors.

I was very attached to her, unable (for many, many years), to permanently remove myself from a relationship that did me a great disservice.

Anita

Hi again Starlight 🌟

What you wrote makes a lot of sense. Boundaries and assertiveness are skills that take time and practice, especially when you didn’t grow up with people who respected your limits. Sometimes the healthiest boundary really is stepping back from certain people, even if that’s difficult.

I also understand what you mean about reading other people’s stories. When there’s been trauma, the mind naturally compares everything to our own experiences, and sometimes the lines can blur. It happens for a very simple, very human reason: the brain uses your own past to make sense of anything new.

When you’ve been hurt before, your brain learns to scan new situations for anything that feels similar to the old danger. It’s trying to protect you. So, when you read a story, hear someone else’s experience, or take in a spiritual teaching, your mind immediately checks (even without actually thinking these thoughts): “Is this like what happened to me?” “Is this safe or unsafe?” “Does this remind me of something I’ve lived through?”

Because trauma memories are stored in a very emotional, sensory way — not in neat, logical files — the brain can mix the new story with the old one. That’s why the lines blur.

This is why trauma‑aware teaching matters so much. People with trauma need context, clarity, and gentleness, because their brains are working overtime to protect them.

Without enough context or sensitivity, spiritual or religious teachings can easily get mixed with old wounds, and that can feel confusing or even harmful.

What you’re noticing is insightful. You’re seeing how your history affects the way you interpret things, and why trauma‑aware teaching is so important. I’m glad our conversation is helping you think about spiritual trauma more clearly. You’re making thoughtful connections, and that kind of awareness is a big part of healing.

If you want to explore this more, I’m here, in this thread and in the other 🙂

Anita

Thank you for the note, Confused 🙂

Hi Starlight1:

It’s okay to still get angry. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you didn’t heal enough. Seems to me like you’re on the right track. Things take time to heal.

When you’re not allowed to express anger in any way.. what happens to the unexpressed, suppressed anger- it naturally grows!

And going through incredibly difficult situations without support is.. in credibly difficult. Without support everything feels heavier.

I’m glad to read that things improved for you mentally!

It is difficult to learn to be assertive and set boundaries when you weren’t taught those things. Isn’t it?

Anita

Hi Starlight1 🌟

You are very welcome 🙏

“But why would I have thoughts which are harmful to me or are against me?”-

Let’s say your mother was harmful to you, let’s say she was against you, and naturally you (as her dependent young child) were for her.

Sometime along the way, you take HER side ( which is against your own self).

Well, that’s what happened in my case.

Naturally, your parents are supposed to be your safe place, UT when a parent becomes danger, things inside get messed up.

Does any of this resonate?

🌟 Anita

Hello Starlight1:

I am very familiar with intrusive thoughts having sufferred from OCD ( diagnosed) for many years, starting – I think- at the age of 5 or so.

I think it’s one of the many ways anxiety shows up.

Let’s say you’re afraid of your own emotions (like anger) making you a “bad person”- your anxious 🧠 may experience unwanted thoughts like wanting or appearing to want to cause harm to another person.

Does this resonate?

🧠 Anita

Dear Reader:

In my last post in this thread (Jan 11, 2022), I wrote:

“Ladybug’s boyfriend was a victim of an unstable, unreliable, unpredictably angry mother who terribly mistreated him.”-

Replace “Ladybug’s boyfriend” with “I” and the sentence is true to me.

Continuing quoting from that last reply:

“Fast forward, Ladybug enters his life as a girlfriend, a step up from the abusive, crazy mother but not by a whole lot.”-

The projection has solidified: Ladybug’s boyfriend= my younger self; Ladybug= my mother.

“Ladybug entered the relationship as an anxious, restless young woman who looks for the man in her life to calm her anxiety and make her feel good forevermore… She is single mindedly focused on… what he may be doing wrong. Although she has suffered from anxiety and low self-esteem way before her boyfriend entered her life, she is looking at him as the cause for the anxiety that way preceded him, blaming him for what he had no part in causing. Whenever she is not feeling okay, it must be his fault, something he did wrong… she is not looking at herself, at her childhood, at her mother, etc. She hardly mentioned anything about her life, it’s all about him. This focus does not at all benefit him, it harms him and her.

“Complaining, demanding, arguing, trying to control him, she exhausts her boyfriend… her accusatory, blaming finger kept pointing in his direction…

“He was never the cause of her anxiety and anger. But she assigns him with the responsibility, nonetheless. She figures something like I am still anxious and angry because he did or is doing something wrong! She then attacks his very character, referring to him as arrogant, selfish, etc… She then portrays herself as a shattered woman… Angry, she keeps complaining”-

Replace “Ladybug” with “my mother” and the above is true in regard to my younger self experience with my mother

I then quoted Ladybug’s words from August 15, 2018: “He knows I’m an amazing woman and he’ll never find such a selfless, caring, gentle and loyal woman as me” and I added (2022): “she presents herself as selfless, caring, and gentle, indeed the innocent victim of a selfish, uncaring, unkind man.”-

Ladybug’s real similarity with my mother is most profound in the quote of her words right above, solidifying my projection. My mother presented herself as “selfless, caring” and all-good, perfect.

I quoted Ladybug’s words from August 16, 2018: “He has become so lazy in his effort and if I think about it…. It’s because I allowed him to slack down… I allowed him to just forget about our anniversary and there were zero repercussions” and I interpreted her words”

“– back is the demanding, controlling Ladybug, ‘I allowed him… zero repercussions’, as if she is the authority figure in the relationship and he is the naughty child.”-

My mother was indeed the authority in the relationship with me (not only when I was a child) and I was “the naughty child”.

“He accommodated her requests, but she is neither satisfied nor grateful because she is still anxious, so she figures he must be doing something else that is wrong, his fault, his lazy habits!.. her anxious mind… keeps looking for what is wrong.”- I wrote this about my mother, not being aware that I was doing that. I thought at the time that I was writing about Ladybug.

“GETTING ANGRIER… distrustful and controlling, she doesn’t give him the space that he needs… He is still asking for space. He still wants her to have a life outside of the relationship. On her part… she looks for the problem and the solution in his behavior, not in her behavior.”

I quoted Ladybug’s words from December 23, 2018: “He has been feeling very suffocated and says he doesn’t feel like he makes his own decisions. I do have an issue with being over clingy at times and I’m very emotional which means I tend to rely on him to take a lot of my emotional rants when I get overwhelmed…. He tends to tag me along everywhere and hang out with me almost 24/7. Eventually he feels overwhelmed with everything and distances himself. He is afraid of what the relationship does to him, and he even told me he is no longer in love with me” –

The above is so true to my experience with my mother.

“He tries to comfort her; she tries to make him feel guilty… she is not yet accepting responsibility for leading the relationship down a very dysfunctional path. Instead, she is blaming him yet again… All through her posts, to the very last, she kept blaming him. She kept superficially agreeing with him regarding giving him space etc., but she did not yet start (at least, not before Dec 2018) the process of healing from her childhood wounds, she did not yet genuinely examine her own defeating behaviors. During the partial break, she focused on appearing confident and independent, but those were only appearances.

“Unfortunately for her boyfriend, he is very much attached to Ladybug, unable (at least, not before Dec 2018) to permanently remove himself from a relationship that does him a great disservice. anita” (Jan 11, 2022).

I want to add to this post later.

Anita