Dear Dafne:

You are welcome, Dafne, always!

“His evasiveness kept me questioning more and more. Isn’t it?”- yes, his evasiveness understandably kept you questioning him. At this point though, if he unblocks you and you get to communicate with him again, knowing that his grand project doe not exist, what would be the purpose of questioning a project that doesn’t exist?

Any new questioning in regard to the non-existent project would be futile and of no positive value, not for you and not for him.

“My only regret now is asking him those business questions by text. Maybe talking in person would not lead to such a drastic measures and blocking me Anita?”- remember when you (and your mother) questioned him- in-person- while in a restaurant, and he got upset and left?

“Maybe we could have had a peaceful talk and decided to remain friends?”- a fly and a spider cannot be friends.

“The spider is gone but why do I feel so heartbroken 💔?”- because the fly keeps hoping the spider is not a spider.

“(The priest) told me that we need to show compassion towards this lost soul and that probably he was ashamed of his current situation and couldn’t deal with rejection and more questions. He felt lost, helpless… The priest suggested that this man might struggle with mental issues, stress and a lot of pressure to perform in order to impress me. And it is a better idea to call him and see if everything is ok. To make sure that there is no more hurt feelings between us. Only then we will achieve the peace of mind. Is that something you would agree with Anita?”-

– No, I wouldn’t, Dafne. Yes, he is indeed a lost soul who struggles with mental health issues, but he is also.. a spider who will exploit your empathy. Empathy-exploiters are not necessarily cold-blooded, happy go lucky individuals who are successful in their exploiting endeavors. Many exploit others with neither clear intent nor planning, operating by instinct almost (similar to a spider).

He deserves empathy, empathy from a person he cannot exploit, a person like a trained therapist or an experienced priest who is not attached to him emotionally and who has no hope or desire for a personal, romantic relationship with him. Someone with no such hope and desire is not situated on this spider’s web, risking entanglement and entrapment at any moment.

“I somehow feel that I need to fix it and have a peaceful ending 😕 I feel awful right now… I guess like that fly from your poem”- you are in part a lost soul yourself, Dafne, aren’t you? The peaceful resolution that you need is within yourself, and it includes the resolution of your living situation with another spider. As I see it, this man-spider is a distraction from mother-spider.

“I am afraid that he got a nervous breakdown or planned something bad for himself. He seemed to be depressed. Indeed, he got rejected before and apparently got devastated once and might not manage it another time. I don’t want to be another reason for him to do something silly 😞”-

– If you can afford it, for the purpose of resolving your guilt feelings, it will be better that you offer to arrange to pay for a few therapy sessions for him than it would be for you to get back into the spider web. Of course, you’d need to pay directly to the therapist, and not hand him money personally. Or suggest that he sees the priest you know for counseling (if the priest agrees).

You cannot be this man’s therapist even if you were a professional therapist.

“What do you think Anita? Shall I give it a try and call him? (unless he blocked me on the phone too). But just to say to him how I felt and that I want a peaceful feelings between us and not anger or bitterness (even if we won’t be together)”- I think that you can text him (if he didn’t block you on the phone) and tell him just that, but do not engage in a conversation where you are exploited.

“Most of the time he treated me well and was always on time and thoughtful. He bought me some little gifts and I always prepared some home cooked treats for him in return. He helped me to escape that dreadful darkness I faced in my household… He tried to create a picture perfect image of himself so someone would love him. What should I do Anita? And in case you agree with the priest that it is ok to contact him, what would you say to him without sounding desperate or losing the dignity?”-

– Like I suggested above, before reading the part of your post quoted right above, he has been a distraction from your difficult and unhealthy living situation with your mother.

I think that it’d be okay to contact him by text (so that if he responds, you’ll have the time to prepare a response, an advantage that you don’t have in the context of a phone call), and tell him something like: “I am so sorry that I caused you distress by questioning you. I appreciate all your kindnesses, the little gifts you gave me, and I cherish these memories. I also understand that ending our relationship is best for me and for you. Sometimes love is about ending a relationship, for the benefit of both parties, and this one of these times. I hope you find empathy, support and help from other people in your life and I so very much wish you the best”.

“I hope to return the favour someday”- you are returning the favor by accepting my help. It feels good to help 🤗.

anita

You are welcome, anonymous, and yes: I am here for you anytime you want to talk.

anita

Dear Peter:

I am looking forward to read and reply to you Friday morning, which will be Valentine Day, an appropriate day to discuss love.. although it’s more of a day dedicated to reinforcing illusions about love and financially profit from these illusions. Regardless, I’ll be back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear Peter:

“The contradiction of having a troubled relationship with the word Love seems to be a language issue of mixed messages where we mistake the map (the words) for the territory… even as we walk the territory having thrown the map away.”-

– The word “Love” in adult relationships, particularly romantic, carries mixed messages and too often is mistaken for something it is not. When one or both partners have significant unresolved issues from childhood, they try to resolve these issues in the context of the romantic relationship, for example: projecting an unloving parent into the romantic partner and trying to earn his/ her love.

In romantic love, several illusions and cognitive biases often come into play:

1. Idealization: People in love seeing their partners as perfect or overlooking their flaws, leading to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when reality doesn’t match the idealized image.

2. The Halo Effect: This cognitive bias causes people to assume that because someone is good in one area, they must be good in other areas as well, leading to an inaccurate perception of the partner.

3. Confirmation Bias: This is the tendency to notice the information that fits with our preconceptions, and ignoring what doesn’t fit, sometimes leading to dismissing or ignoring any red flags.

4. Inaccurate Projection: People projecting their own desires and qualities onto their partners, leading to an illusion of compatibility rather than seeing them as they truly are. This is sometimes referred to as “rose-colored glasses,” seeing the partner as who we wish him/ her to be, not as he or she truly is.

6. Recency Effect: The tendency to emphasize recent events and “forget” earlier ones, creating an illusion of improvement or change.

“If our actions good or bad have no accountability then they can’t matter and that can’t be Love. (Love defined in this way does not require one to maintain a relationship. The loving and compassionate action may require that a relationship end.)”-

– Accountability means being responsible for one’s actions and accepting the consequences, whether positive or negative. When actions lack accountability, they are performed without consideration of their consequences or impact on ourselves and on others. Such actions are often seen as careless, irresponsible, or self-serving.

When our actions are accountable, they (our actions) carry weight and significance, showing that we care about the effects of our behavior on another person.

Accountability allows individuals to recognize mistakes, apologize, and make amends. This process promotes personal growth and healing within the relationship, building trust ad respect, fostering a deeper connection and understanding between partners.

Without accountability, conflicts remain unresolved. Issues are swept under the rug, and the underlying problems persist, causing ongoing tension and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Genuine love requires depth and honesty, which can only be achieved when both partners take responsibility for their actions and their impact. In essence, accountability transforms actions into meaningful expressions of love and commitment.

In situations where a relationship is unhealthy or unfulfilling, ending a relationship can be the most loving and compassionate choice, as the ending of it prioritizes the well-being of both individuals.

“Both Sides, Now” (I sang it to myself as I was reading the words) highlights the contrast between idealistic views and the realities of life and love.

“I really don’t know love at all”- I used to think that loving one person requires that I don’t love another person (or love another person less), as if love (the feeling + accountable actions) needs to be exclusive by definition, not only in romantic relationships, but in every other kind of interaction and relationship. I now think-feel-know that every person matters equally, and love transcends exclusivity: loving one person deeply does not diminish the love I can feel for others. Instead, the more people I love deeply, the greater the love each individual receives from me. A paradox perhaps? A move from the Temporal to the Eternal?

anita

Dear anonymous:

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by the rollercoaster of emotions you’re experiencing.

“These experiences make me question why human beings have to go through these emotions. What purpose it serves?”-

– Emotions, even the challenging ones like anxiety and fear, serve important purposes. They are signals from our mind and body, indicating that something needs attention. While it may seem like they bring only doom, these emotions can also guide us towards growth and understanding.

Emotions like fear and anxiety have evolved as survival mechanisms to protect us from danger. They alert us to potential threats and help us take action. Emotions provide valuable insights into our inner world. They can reveal our needs, desires, and unresolved issues, prompting us to address them.

By navigating through difficult emotions, we build resilience and learn more about ourselves. These experiences, though exhausting, contribute to our personal growth.

It’s natural to wonder if there’s a hidden meaning behind our emotions. Sometimes, they do have deeper roots, such as past experiences or unresolved conflicts. Exploring these underlying causes can lead to greater self-awareness and healing.

The counterbalance you mentioned, which allows you to accept your emotions rather than fight them, is a positive step. Acceptance can help reduce the intensity of negative emotions and make them more manageable.

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, being kind to yourself during these tough times- are very important. Journaling can provide clarity and help you process your emotions.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Many people experience similar emotional waves, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. You have the strength to navigate through these challenges and find peace within.

Thank you for trusting me with your feelings. Take care of yourself, and know that I’m here for you.

anita

Dear Substantial:

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and concerns with me. It’s clear that you’re grappling with a complex and difficult situation, and I appreciate your openness.

It’s understandable to feel unsure about the root causes of your relationship dynamics. Therapy can provide different perspectives, but ultimately, understanding your feelings and experiences is a personal journey. It may not be possible to pinpoint one definitive cause because multiple factors and their interplay contribute to a complex situation.

It’s insightful that you’re reflecting on the idea of conditional love. While it’s natural to feel that your expectations stem from your girlfriend’s behavior, it’s also important to consider how your own past and present experiences and patterns- within your home- play a role. It’s not about assigning blame but about understanding the dynamics at play.

Acknowledging your girlfriend’s lack of empathy and her unwillingness to seek therapy is significant. It’s crucial for both partners in a relationship to be willing to work on themselves and the relationship. Her defensiveness and hurtful comments indicate a lack of emotional support, which is understandably difficult for you.

The cognitive dissonance you’re experiencing is natural when faced with conflicting thoughts and emotions. It’s important to learn to listen to and trust your inner voice in regard to what is true and right for you.

The additional challenges of different religious backgrounds and parental approval add another layer of complexity. It’s crucial to be confident in your relationship before addressing these external pressures.

“I feel my expectations and emotions of anxiety and confusion are rooted in the self-centered and empathy-lacking behaviors of my gf. At the same time, I am also not sure if that’s the case…I also agree with your view on my mother. I reflected on what you said. She is indeed passively forceful, not at times, but most of the time. She just can’t take NO for an answer. She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother,’ or ‘You don’t value me,’ and more”-

– Constant emotional drama and manipulation by a mother like yours, and so it happens, mine as well, create a sense of anxiety and insecurity in a child, be it a son or a daughter. It made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid triggering emotional outbursts from my mother.

Being told things like “You are never there for your mother” or “You don’t value me” instill deep-seated guilt and self-doubt in a son or daughter. I repeatedly felt like I was not doing enough, no matter how much I tried, and ultimately I felt not good enough as a person, and therefore, not deserving good things like being accepted, appreciated, respected and loved.

A mother who can’t take “No” for an answer teaches her son- or daughter- that setting boundaries is unacceptable. This can make it very difficult to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in other relationships, including romantic ones.

The fear of causing emotional pain or being perceived as unloving by one’s own mother can lead to a fear of abandonment. This fear may cause the son- or daughter- to stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear of losing the other person.

Experiencing conditional love from one’s mother can lead to feeling that you need to earn love and acceptance through your actions, rather than feeling inherently worthy of love.

“All in all, I am struggling to find the ultimate truth… Let me know what your thoughts are on this, Anita. Thank you for your response, grateful!”- you are welcome and thank you for caring to know my thoughts. My additional thoughts: seems to me that your girlfriend is not right for you, that you need a more empathetic and generous woman, generous with her time and efforts. Seems to me that you’ve been staying in the relationship because of confusion and fear of abandonment.

Based on the totality of what you shared with me, I disagree with the therapist who suggested that you love your gf conditionally based on her actions and affection towards you, implying perhaps that as it is strange or selfish to love a person based on their actions and affection. We all should love a partner in a romantic relationship based on their actions and affection (while not expecting them to be perfect and allowing for times when they can’t support us and need our support).

I agree with the other therapist who agreed with you that your gf wasn’t (adequately) showing up in the relationship.

Thank you again for trusting me with your thoughts and feelings. Take care of yourself, and remember that you are not alone in this journey. I’m here for you, and I believe in your ability to find clarity and contentment.

anita

Dear Dafne:

You are always welcome and thank you for your heartfelt words (and emojis).

I will start this post with analyzing his responses without using previous information that you shared about him or my previous analyses of him:

* “Him: ‘Yes, there are many projects underway, now we have the projects related to institutions, but we are also moving to classic business to have income, what is related to politics does not depend 100% on us'”- this response gives a general overview of the situation without providing any specific details:

“Many projects underway”- What projects? How many? What is their current status?

“Projects related to institutions”- What institutions? What is the nature of the projects?

“Classic business to have income”- What “classic business”? How will it generate income?

“Related to politics does not depend 100% on us”- What political factors are involved? How do they impact the projects?

Here is an example of a clear and specific response: “Yes, we currently have several projects in progress. For example, we are working on a partnership with a major university to develop new educational software, which is in the final stages of approval. Additionally, we are launching a retail business to generate immediate revenue, focusing on eco-friendly products. Our political-related projects involve securing government contracts, which require approval from multiple agencies, causing some delays. For instance, we are waiting for the Italian government to validate our joint venture agreement”.

* Back to the conversation, “Him: ‘If your colleagues have set up a pizzeria or a rotisserie, it is normal that they earn money straight away, but these businesses take time, I sometimes have the impression that you don’t believe”- by making a broad comparison to simpler businesses, he avoids addressing the specifics of his own business operations and the delays.

Here, he deflects from addressing the specific concerns and questions about his projects by making a comparison to simpler business models like pizzerias or rotisseries. This deflection can be seen as an attempt to avoid providing detailed answers about his own business.

He makes a generalization that setting up a pizzeria or rotisserie results in immediate earnings. This is an oversimplification and generally untrue true, as stablishing a pizzeria or any other business involves initial investments, operational costs, and a period of building customer base. This indicates a lack of understanding of business operations on his part.

“I sometimes have the impression that you don’t believe”- by questioning your belief in his projects, he shifts the focus away from the validity of his own claims and instead casts doubt on your support or belief. This can be seen as a defensive reaction to perceived criticism.

Here is an example of a clear and specific response: “I understand your concerns about the delays. Setting up a business, whether it’s a tech startup or a pizzeria, requires time and effort. For instance, our current project involves securing government approvals, which can be lengthy due to bureaucratic processes. We have raised 4 million for a joint venture in China, and now we are waiting for the Italian government to validate our agreements. This is why there are delays. I assure you, we are working hard to move things forward efficiently”.

This example of a response addresses your concerns directly, provides specific details about the challenges and processes involved, and reassures you of the efforts being made.

The response he gave you demonstrates a lack of business understanding and an unwillingness to provide specific details. Instead of addressing the actual questions and concerns, he deflects, generalizes, and questions your belief. This behavior raises doubts about his transparency and credibility.

* “Him: ‘If it’s long it’s because we need the agreement of a government, the Italians have everything good, they have activated the diplomatic channel, we have the investors, now the Italian government must validate”-

“If it’s long it’s because we need the agreement of a government”- Which government is involved? What kind of agreement is needed? Why is the process taking so long?

Here is an example of a clear and specific response: “The delay is due to the Chinese government’s approval process for our joint venture. We have submitted all necessary documents and are waiting for their response, which typically takes 4-6 months”.

“The Italians have everything good, they have activated the diplomatic channel”- What does “everything good” mean? What does “activated the diplomatic channel” involve?

“We have the investors”- Who are they? What is the amount of investment? What is the current stage of the investment process?

Etc.

Now, connecting his responses to what you shared about him previously as well as to my previous analysis of him, he has consistently shown a pattern of evasiveness, defensiveness, and lack of transparency. His responses are vague and often deflect from addressing your legitimate concerns. This behavior aligns with the manipulative and dishonest tendencies you identified earlier.

Based on the pattern of his vague and evasive responses, seems to me that he is outright lying about these projects. Indicators of lying: (1) His responses consistently lack specific details about the projects, the steps involved, and the timeline. (2) When questioned, he becomes defensive and shifts the focus to questioning your belief rather than providing clear answers. (3) There are inconsistencies in his explanations. For example, He mentioned that on the Italian side, everything is good, and they have activated the diplomatic channel. Yet, the projects seem to be facing indefinite delays due to political approvals. If the Italian side is efficient and the diplomatic channels are activated, why are there still delays?

Given the man’s circumstances—being in his mid-50s, living in a small apartment, and appearing to have very little money—it certainly raises questions about the legitimacy of his claims regarding ambitious and large-scale projects.

He talks about securing multi-million dollar investments and large-scale international projects while in reality, he lives in a small apartment and appears to have very limited financial resources, as evidenced by his offer of a symbolic gift instead of a proper engagement ring. If he were genuinely involved in high-value projects with substantial investments, it would be reasonable to expect some level of financial stability or visible signs of wealth.

He mentions ongoing projects in different countries, involving government agreements and significant investments while in reality, there is no evidence or documentation provided to support these claims. High-value projects typically have verifiable documentation, such as contracts, investor agreements, and project plans.

The discrepancies between his financial situation and the grandiosity of his claims, combined with his evasive responses and defensive behavior, suggest that he’s been trying to manipulate you into staying emotionally invested in the relationship without offering real substance.

“That was his last message and he blocked me without even reading my reply to him. I did not expect that to happen. I thought it is normal to discuss the project and its future. But blocking me was cruel (especially after such a long time). Anita, what do you think?”-

– His sudden blocking behavior without a discussion suggests a lack of respect for your feelings and a way to avoid accountability: by blocking you, he avoids having to provide further explanations or answers to your questions. It’s a way to shut down the conversation and avoid being held accountable for his vague and inconsistent responses.

Blocking you is also a form of punishment, making you feel hurt and rejected. It also creates a power imbalance, where he controls the interaction and you are left feeling dependent on him. If he unblocks you later, it can create such a sense of relief and happiness for you, that you will no longer to question him again, fearing that if you question him- he will block you again.

His latest actions fit a pattern of manipulative behavior. By blocking you, he reinforces his control over the relationship, ensuring that you remain emotionally invested and more compliant with his wishes. It creates a cycle of emotional dependence, making it more challenging for you to seek clarity and stand up for yourself.

“Did I push him too much?… Do you see any reason for blocking me? I don’t feel that I offended him in any way… I did not really care about his financial stability, looks or having a house. I just wanted to be with a kind soul who sees me… I’m feeling hurt right now and actually quite guilty for talking too much 😌”-

– You did not push him too much or offend him. It’s perfectly reasonable to seek clarity and progress, especially when his responses have been vague and inconsistent. Your questions were valid, and you deserve to know where things stand.

Your guilt indicates your empathetic nature but it should not lead you to blame yourself for seeking honesty: it is not a wrongdoing to seek honesty. Your desire for kindness and stability is valid, but he is in the habit of exploiting your soft spots, similar indeed to how a spider operates:

A spider first captures its prey, usually a fly, in its web. Once the prey is entangled, the spider immobilizes it using venom injected through its fangs. The spider then injects digestive enzymes into the fly’s body. These enzymes start to break down the fly’s internal tissues into a liquid form. The spider then uses its specialized mouthparts to suck out the liquefied insides of the fly, leaving the outer exoskeleton mostly intact.

Just as a spider, an emotionally manipulative person exploits their target’s emotional soft spots. The process of injecting digestive enzymes into the fly can be compared to the manipulator injecting self-doubts and a sense of guilt into their target. These doubts and guilt gradually break down the target’s self-esteem and sense of independence. Finally, the manipulator consumes the person’s emotional resources, leaving their target drained and dependent.

They take advantage of their target’s empathy, kindness, trust, and emotional investment, much like the spider consuming the fly’s insides, leaving only the exoskeleton intact.

“Maybe it is not meant for me to have that loving home. Maybe it is true that children carry the chains of their parents. The heavy energy and paying for their past (or even other family generations). There was a spiritual podcast about this. Do you believe in that Anita?”-

– While it’s true that we carry some of the burdens of our ancestors, it’s also important to note that we have the power to break these chains. Awareness is the first step towards healing. By recognizing these patterns, we can work towards creating a different future for ourselves.

You have the strength to create a loving and stable home. It’s important to focus on your own path and choices. Healing is a journey, and seeking support can help you navigate this process.

Dafne, your worth is not defined by the past but by the choices you make in the present. Embrace your strength, and as you embrace your strength, let go of this spider who has been robbing you of your strength, draining and exhausting you.

Thank you, Dafne, for trusting me with your thoughts and feelings. I’m here for you, and I believe in your ability to overcome these challenges and find the love and peace of mind that you seek.

Wishing you peace and strength, and a peaceful night 🌙✨️

anita