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anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome. “she is supposed to go home today and will pack everything by day end… sometime it feels like something aching in the heart, sometime there is a void. With all the logistic discussion with her… this makes me feel very complicated.“- she and her stuff, appliances and furniture, should be out by now.
Try to endure the void, even make friends with it, if you can. Relax into it, best you can.
I wonder about you feeling very complicated, what it means..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
You are welcome! “I thought ‘This is it’. But fast forward today, I am not happy with what I thought I would be happy with. Though my mind says this is alright my heart races and I feel very anxious“- anxious and angry at him.
In regard to liking him, respecting him, and thinking highly of him, you asked: “Am I a bad person for not doing that?“- no one is a good person or a bad person for how one feels. It’s our words and actions, over time, that determine if we are good or bad people, or a mix of the two.
Now, thing is, you are not supposed to (common sense says) be in a romantic relationship with a person you dislike and disrespect. But you choose to be in a relationship with this man, and you’ve repeatedly expressed to him that he is unsatisfactory. I’d say that for that, in this context, you are a bad person.
I was a bad person in certain contexts, and I am (still) fixing it, wanting to be a good person in all contexts.
“I think I can do better… It isn’t like I don’t want to be satisfied with him and searching for reasons to be dissatisfied, right? Do I sound like that?“- your mother told you long ago, that he is not good-enough for you, suggesting that you can do better. Her words are very powerful in your mind and heart. I wonder if you are punishing this poor man for not being good-enough.. for your mother.
* Did she ever approve of a man for you?
Were you angry with every man you were involved with? Angry at friends, family, past and present?
anita
anitaParticipant* please ignore the “Dear Clara”, Zenith!
anitaParticipantDear antarkal: I will read and reply in the next 14 hours or so.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith: Dear Clara: I will read and reply in the next 14 hours or so.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara: I will read and reply in the next 14 hours or so.
anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you, Clara.
anita
anitaParticipantI hope that you are feeling better, Zenith, this Thurs, 1st of Aug..?
anita
August 1, 2024 at 9:52 am in reply to: Happy when I’m with my boyfriend, but upset when we’re not together? #435701anitaParticipantDear t:
“I have repeatedly told him just to tell me if he doesn’t want to do something. He will insist that he doesn’t have any doubts and was giving a legitimate excuse, until I push harder and he admits that he had a lot of concerns about my plans. Then we had a conversation about why I want him to be more straightforward with me, and he says he thinks that’s reasonable and will try harder… My boyfriend isn’t mature enough… I’m not sure that any of my thoughts are wrong.“- seems to me that your thoughts are not wrong. There is something unbelievable in him shifting from.. basically lying to saying he’ll try harder: try harder to be honest?
Seems like his dishonesty (a limited kind of dishonesty, I understand, in the context of giving excuses and not revealing the truth to you) is a habit on his part. Habits are difficult to break even when one is trying.
anita
August 1, 2024 at 9:35 am in reply to: “Giants Of The Nile” Bright Star – South Sudan Basketball Team. #435700anitaParticipantDear Greg:
You are welcome and thank you for the blessing! I am glad that you are still proud of the Giants Of The Nile, and you should, they are great players!
“The secret is they were told not to be that strong on USA teams…“- it’s a political thing?
“Yes I watched match yesterday but it was 103 USA and SSD 86“- oh, I was wrong about the results. Amazingly, photos of the game just appeared on my news feed. (Nothing about the secret you mentioned. I am not surprised, it being a secret).
There will be more games, and there will be more victories for the South Sudan’s Bright Stars!
anita
anitaParticipantThis reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
Dear Lulu:
“Last year, I was morbidly obese, weighing in at 218 at 5’4 at 16… in July 31st, I officially weigh 139. My goal weight is 125 and I can’t wait to meet it“- congratulations for losing 79 pounds and moving from a BMI of 37.4 to a BMI of 23.9!
A healthy BMI is between 17.5 and 25.7 (very well health. com/ body health index), and you are within a healthy BMI range, very well done, Lulu!
“My mom is hounding me. She says that the way I’m losing weight is indicative of an eating disorder“- I am guessing that she didn’t say this when you were overweight, but she is saying it now that you are within a healthy BMI. Am I correct?
“Now I’m losing weight, improving my health, finally feeling CONFIDENT about my body, my family is telling me I shouldn’t go about losing weight like how I am“- here is what I think may have been happening: in the process of losing weight, you experienced the euphoric feelings involved in successfully losing weight: the joy of seeing a smaller and smaller number on the scale, the joy of seeing yourself in the mirror more and more to your satisfaction, the joy of wearing smaller and smaller-size clothes, the joy of receiving compliments from people, the joy of success: joys that you didn’t experience before. Joys you want more and more of..?
These euphoric feelings accompany the process of losing weight, not the destination (having arrived at goal weight). And so, a person can get addicted to the process, so to re-experience the euphoric feelings even at goal weight or below goal weight. When a person continues efforts to lose weight at normal or below normal weight, that’s an eating disorder.
What do you think of my explanation?
“I don’t wanna anger my family, but I also don’t wanna gain the weight back, and so far, nothing works as effectively as fasting for me. What should I do?“- best if you can see a medical doctor or a nurse practitioner so to get checked (blood work and such), review your fasting practice with the professional, and make recommended adjustments to it.
A healthy BMI for you is between 17.5 and 25.7. Your BMI is 23.9, the higher end of healthy. You can lose more if you’d like, so to arrive at your goal weight. I would moderate my efforts, in your place, moderate and adjust the fasting routine to a slower rate of weight loss.
As far as exercise, I much prefer fast walking to running because it’s easier on the knees/ joints, and it has the same health benefits as running, as far as I know (you can research that, if you’d like).
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
“Does me healing from my childhood experience of taking up the masculine role and him healing from his father’s absence change anything? I don’t even know if it’s possible and most probably not“- no doubt that healing from painful/ damaging childhoods changes one’s life for the better. I don’t think that healing changes some or all of a person’s masculine/ feminine expressions and behaviors.
“at this moment, it’s just hard for me to accept the reality. I really thought this is the one!“- you’ve been thinking that he’s the one throughout all this time that you’ve been presenting him as an unsatisfactory choice of a partner (in so many ways)?
I am puzzled. I would like to understand better (therefore, I am asking many questions in this post, and as always, you are welcome to answer or to not answer any of the questions I ask).
“Don’t all women at the end of the day want to be in a relationship that lets them step into their feminine?“- you want to step into your feminine, as in: to no longer be the strong one, the initiator, the one taking charge, the leader. You want him to be these things so that you can relax and let him lead..?
Are you angry with him (have you been angry with him for along time) for not being strong enough, initiator enough, social enough, etc.?
“what kind of women will he be happy with?“- the kind that likes and respects him, I hope, the kind that thinks highly of him.
Do you think highly of yourself? Do you like you?
“I don’t know if I can take on a more feminine role.. should I? in order to attract a masculine person?“- I don’t think that you should take on (the appearance of) a more feminine role so to attract a masculine person. Better share femininity and masculinity with your choice of a partner for the betterment of the team.
“Doesn’t that side (femininity) naturally comes out when you’re with a masculine person? I really don’t know“- I think that your relaxed part will come out when you are satisfied with your choice of a partner and no longer want him to be someone he is not, and when you are satisfied with who you are.
“I’m very career oriented and probably don’t even want to be a mother. Don’t know what life is trying to teach me.“- that it’s okay for you to be you, and that it’s okay for him to be him?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome, always. “I still know a part of me is with her“- your loving part is with her. But it is also with you, it’s part of you.
“I mean, when I asked her to move out sooner, I was very desperate seeing her stuff around. When this really happens, I feel a sense of lost. I will try my best to get through this.“- understandable. This is a painful time for you. Allow the pain, you can tolerate it, you can overcome it. Like I wrote right above, the Loving Clara is a part of you, it is staying with you. She is not taking it away. Be strong, you will be okay. You are okay,
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
Good to read from you again, and congratulations for losing all that weight, good job, I am impressed! I will reply further Thurs morning (It’s Wed evening here).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You are not perfect, but you are not a failure! And nobody is perfect. You’ve been trying and doing your best for so long, you deserve a reward, not a condemnation!
I wish I could calm your brain for good, so that it doesn’t overthink and catastrophize, but I can’t do it for anyone. I wish I could. Is it time to make an appointment with the therapist you used to see?
anita
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