Dear Gregory:

Thank you for your kind words! You asked how I am doing: well, in the last couple of nights I slept very, very little ad I am very, very tired.

“I really don’t know what I can do for you“- Maybe you can help me by praying that I sleep better..?

“However, if you have an ideas too on this research feel free to add“- during the long, long hours of being awake at night I thought about what I could add to the impressive and thorough research proposal you presented here, and I came up with something that I would add, if I had a part in putting this proposal together. I will develop the idea in this post, but first, I want to clarify that in the following, when I refer to a growing fetus (the unborn) as “something” or a “thing”, I understand that it may offend some people, but if I don’t use these, I wouldn’t be able to explain myself adequately:

Years ago, it occurred to me that if I had something growing inside my belly, something that’s expected to continue to grow for months, I would feel claustrophobic, as in urgently wanting this thing out of me, as soon as possible. This feeling is connected to how uncomfortable I’ve been since I remember myself when I eat too much and/ or my belly is big because of bloating. This intense sensitivity is connected to anxiety and what is called body vigilance: paying too much attention to sensations in the body and feeling distressed over them.

Continuing the thoughts above: if I had something growing in my body, and I would know that it will keep growing for months, and then, in its biggest form, it will have to come out of my body in  what women (who gave birth) refer to as the most physically painful experience in their lives, I would be in panic and want that thing out of me.. as soon as possible.

Think if it happened to you, Gregory.. (in your male form), how would you feel…

I didn’t research the topic, and didn’t read about it anywhere: these are my personal thoughts, but I have no doubt that there are other women in the world who think and feel similarly on this topic.

The research proposal paper says about pre-eclampsia: “It typically manifests after 20 weeks of gestation“- at 20 weeks, the developing fetus is big enough to trigger the panic I mentioned, in women inclined to panic.

“Various risk factors contribute to the development of pre-eclampsia, including a first pregnancy, multiple pregnancies (e.g., twins or triplets)“- it makes sense that women inclined to panic when pregnant, will panic the first time they are pregnant, and more so, if they have not only one “thing” growing inside them (and having to come out of them painfully), but two, or three.

“Globally, pre-eclampsia affects approximately 5-8% of pregnancies“- I am guessing that of the 5-8% of pre-eclampsia pregnancies (and it is only a guess), 2-3% of the pregnant women experience the panic I am referring to in this post.

The distressing symptoms of pre-eclampsia themselves can trigger panic/ elevated anxiety, but what I am suggesting in this post (and I am not a doctor or ay kind of a health professional!) is that in the case of some pregnant women, their thoughts, perceptions and feelings about being pregnant, by themselves, over time, may lead to the physical symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I believe that it is known that elevated, ongoing anxiety involves an over secretion of stress hormones into the blood, and those hormones can damage blood vessels and organs.

Therefore, in the “Data Collection Procedures” section that includes surveying pregnant women, I would add open-ended (non-leading) questions in regard to the pregnant woman’s feelings and perceptions about her body (see body vigilance), and particularly about her pregnancy, questions such as:(1) After a big meal, do you physically feel comfortable or uncomfortable? (2) Is it physically comfortable or uncomfortable for you to be pregnant? (2) If this is your first pregnancy, what did the women in your family who gave birth, tell you about the experience of giving birth?.

Depending on their answers, if there is evidence of elevated anxiety of the kind I mentioned above, more questions can be asked during a 2nd or 3rd survey. The information collected can be the basis for mental help and support (individual therapy/ group therapy) designed for this group of pregnant women.

* I am guessing that many women would resist admitting such feelings in regard to carrying their unborn babies, feeling ashamed of their feelings.. like they are abnormal and bad women and future mothers for feeling what they feel. This very shame can lead to anxiety on top of the anxiety they already feel. Therefore, attention should be paid by professionals to making women comfortable (not feeling abnormal or bizarre) with their feelings and take it from there.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I hope that you are having a nice Sun evening. I’ll read and reply to your recent posts Mon morning, hope you have a good night.

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome, and thank you!

“Recently I am not as scared to express that I don’t like something. I wish I could do it more often, it is very freeing“- it takes courage and repetition to change emotional-behavioral habits, such as feeling scared to express something you don’t like and not expressing it => feeling less scared to express something you don’t like and expressing it.

It can be a very frustrating process to change emotional-behavioral habits because it requires so much patience with the self. From my experience, I was stuck for years when it came to changing such habits because I wanted and expected a quick change, and when that didn’t happen, I denigrated myself, seeing the failure to produce a quick change as evidence of my faultiness and inadequacy as a person.. not understanding the nature of the process.

Also, changing behavioral habits involves the people we are interacting with. it requires that they are not aggressive or impatient with us. We need an attitude and practice of gentleness and patience from ourselves and from others.

Keep the good work, Caroline, a pleasure reading from you again.. and I remember and will remember my promise to you!

anita

Dear Megha:

You shared that you were together with your boyfriend since you were 19, now 31 (12 years). His parents didn’t want to meet you until 2 years ago, and when they did, they were very cold to you, his mother didn’t even talk to you. Most recently, his parents said No to marriage and No to a Roka (a pre-marriage ceremony, in Indian culture), not before your boyfriend’s 2 elder sisters get married.

“I cant deal with my insecurity and my boyfriend just backed out now because he cant give me any timeline for commitment. I am in unbearable pain He was my life. He was my husband to me...”- I am sorry that you are in unbearable pain (or were in unbearable pain one hour and 45 ago when you submitted the post above). Sooner than later, you will feel better!

When you say that he backed out, do you mean from the idea of marriage, or from the relationship as a whole? Also, is he his parents’ only son, and do you have any idea why his mother, didn’t like you as her son’s potential wife/ her potential daughter in-law… and why she didn’t arrange for her son to marry another woman, one of her choice?

anita

Dear Gregory:

I hope you read my reply to you in Lisa’s thread. As to your two most recent posts in this thread, I will attentively reply Sun morning (in about 15 hours from now). Again, thank you for your kindness and for being here with me. I’ll be back to you in the morning.

anita

Dear Dispa:

You are welcome to tell your story here (or in a new thread you are welcome to start, going to FORUMS at the top of the page), and receive replies from members who are currently active here.

anita

* Dear Gregory:

I am so very pleased to read from you! It was only a few days ago that I thought about you and your family when hearing news about South Sudan. Thank you for posting again and I appreciate your kindness over the years.

I am pleased that you found interest in Lisa’s thread, in her life’s journey. We’ll read from her again when she is able and willing to post again (.. and again), I hope.

Thank you so much for your support in the post you submitted for me back on July 7, 2023. At the time, I read and re-read your post and cried as I read it. it meant a lot to me. Here’s what I liked reading so much: you called me a “superb person with strong personality“, “A mother“, you expressed empathy for me, and you were the first (and maybe only) person who asked me to return to the forums (“Kindly come back to Tiny buddha anytime you are willing to!“). You asking me to return was a strong reason for my return. I left you a message on that thread very soon after I returned to the forums (Aug 30, 2023).

I was impressed by what you wrote back then about what you consider to be good/ honest people: people who are “interested in a mutually enriching relationship“, people who create real, genuine intimacy (not “pseudo intimacy to make you feel comfortable and to trust them… pretend to like the same things you like… to make you feel connected“), people who reveal different sides of their lives, not “only one side of their life“, people who acknowledge the truth and invite others to speak their truth (not those “gaslighting you into silence“).

As I read the above this morning, I see that I need to further cut down on my people-pleasing behaviors in real-life so to avoid pseudo intimacy (which is what I offer when I present a pseudo me), and I want to be a good person in all the ways you described above

This is perhaps the nicest thing you wrote to me back then: “Nothing can dim the light that shines from within. You have changed the lives of so many people around the globe. Example: myself“- if I changed something significant in a single person’s life, that’s good enough for me. Thank you so much for writing this, Gregory!

Back to Lisa and her choice of the title of this thread, Choosing Love: may each one of us, do our best to choose love, peace and justice for all.

anita