Dear Klast:

“He said I’ve spent my whole life wrestling with an invisible disability… My natural intelligence meant I was really good at masking my disability, all the way till my 50s. The imposter syndrome I mentioned before. So I’ve lived my whole life in a grey area, between appearing not disabled enough to get recognition and not being able enough to fully participate in society. Unable to engage in playing the game of life you could say“-

– I somewhat relate. It so happens that I submitted a post half an hour ago in a thread called I want to feel accomplished, before I entered your thread, and it happens to be relevant to the topic here; you can read it, if you’d like. Without using the correct medical terminology, I’d say that I suffered brain damage early on, a damage that expresses itself in learning disabilities, ADD, and Tourette Syndrome (tics) ever since I was five or six. Some needed connections between brain cells/ neuropathways were not made.

I too lived my whole life in a grey area, between appearing not disabled enough to get recognition (the visible and audible motor and vocal tics were not attended to/ did not get recognition by teachers and doctors, so no help, and because I studied so many, many hours, I got okay grades in school, so no help with learning disabilities either), and not being able enough to fully participate in society (my social life was terrible, my work history and satisfaction were poor, and I was ..unhappy, to put it mildly).

“I feel a huge relief at realising I have an invisible disability that isn’t obvious to others, I thought I was just someone severely down on my luck due to ‘fate’. Now I have a chance to get myself unstuck and try to move on“- It feels good to read this!

“Generally speaking: CPTSD is rolling life long traumas. PTSD is discrete traumatising events, like what first responders, soldiers victims of crime etc.“- soldiers spend a limited time on a battlefield (the setting where they experience trauma), a crime victim is a limited-time victim of trauma occurring at a crime scene. I was.. an unlimited-time victim, of multiple settings, multiple crime scenes, so to speak, all perpetrated by my mother (hence I would fit the CPTSD diagnosis, if it was available in the U.S., where I live.. and if there was a reason for me to pursue it).

“Some people need a label to feel better about themselves. It is similar to the concept of god, someone who people can pass their self responsibility…“- the labels can be helpful in that a person feels no longer alone (as in thinking there are other people like me), and when it comes to psychotherapy, an official label aka an official diagnosis is a starting point (for a responsible psychotherapist) in the design of a therapy plan to fit the particular patient (similar to physical medicine).

“CPTSD is the first mental health diagnosis I have ever been labelled with… Like a snowball effect. My invisible disability was the seed trauma. The resulting social isolation led to child-abuse, then the abuse led to distrust of society, which reinforced the social isolation, etc.“- I relate. The image I used to have in regard to the expansion of my mental and emotional troubles through my childhood, into and through adulthood (maybe because I didn’t grow up with snow) was mud rolling down a hill, gathering more and more mud as it rolls down, becoming bigger and bigger.

“Hope you’re keeping well“- thank you! And yes, I am way, way better than I used to be.

anita

Dear William Shen:

Back sooner than I thought I’d be. “She’s a very nice girl, loyal, smart and caring“- and you don’t yet know that.. caring is everything.

“it’s gotten to the point where I’m overcome with guilt. I feel like I’m dragging her on and that it would be better to let things go rather than keep her in a relationship I know is going nowhere.“- yes, better let her go, so that she gets to have someone else to appreciate her, and so that you can be with someone you appreciate,

anita

* Dear Heather: you are welcome, Heather, and if you would like to start your own thread, please do, and we will talk there.

anita

Dear Liz:

You are very welcome.  “I felt so seen when I read this“- you need to continue to be seen: to see deeper within you and to be seen by others.

“I have a lot of trauma, that I am healing from, so it definitely ties into that. I feel like my inner child is anxious and scared that something will go wrong.“- the child part of Liz has been (emotionally) injured and hurt. Sometimes she feels better, sometimes worse. When she feels better, she’s afraid something will go wrong, doesn’t she?

This is how I felt when I was feeling better, that something bad is about to happen. Because bad things did happen when I was feeling good, trusting and care free. I don’t remember ever feeling trusting and care-free, but I am sure at one point, early on, I did. And what a surprise, a shockingly unpleasant surprise, it was when something bad happened that I didn’t expect: someone I fully trusted turning against me, and viciously. So, I learned to expect bad things to happen so to not be shockingly surprised when they happen.

Back to you, re-reading your original post, good things have been happening in the last 10 months: “It is the most healthiest relationship I have ever been him and I love him very dearly. When we first got together, how he treated me was incredibly alien to me (all previous relationships were incredibly toxic and I never felt wanted, dealt with a lot of rejection)… I had never been treated so well before, and he now is honestly my home and my safe space“-

– good things indeed. But the child within (inner child) doesn’t trust good things to last. She is anxious and scared that something will go wrong. Thing is, the traumatized inner child does not know past from future or present. Everything is NOW. Children don’t have the sense of time that adults do. The adult part of you knows that the event happened in the past, but the child part of you does not distinguish past from present.

The event: “when me and my partner were in the early stages (10 days into our relationship). I was out, and incredibly intoxicated. A past person that I dated (it was never serious) was at the same place as me and he flirted, and I kind of reciprocated at the time. I also put my hand on his leg… He then gave me a lift back to my place, he dropped me off and I got out of the car“- one isolated event TEN MONTHS AGO, intoxicated flirting that culminated in you placing your hand on his leg.

Your emotional response ten months later: “I am deeply filled with regret, as I love my current partner so much. I will never ever ever do it again“- this is your inner child saying, begging perhaps: I am sorry, please forgive me, please don’t punish me! I will never, ever, ever do it again!  Reads to me that she is afraid to be punished, once again, for something bad that she’s supposedly done.

“one (intrusive thought) has decided to latch on to a past mistake I made when me and my partner were in the early stages…“- your inner child is hyper alert to any possible mistakes she has made that will be followed by punishment. When you were a child, you were severely punished for small or non-mistakes?

I was, and I figured I’m a bad person for making such horrible mistakes that match the severity of the punishment. My OCD- brain kept scanning for mistakes I made, so to prepare for punishment= for bad things to happen.

“I don’t think telling him would help the situation, it may provide me relief by being honest, but I feel like it will only make him feel worse“- I agree.

“I just need some advice and guidance on how to let go. I know this was in the past and was in the early stages of our relationship. I also know I have grown into a different person now… I just would love to live in the moment and focus on the future of my relationship with him, instead of being filled with regret“- the adult part of you knows it was in the past, but whenever the inner child is obsessing, she is living in the traumatic past=present.

To let go of the obsessions, of the trouble within, your inner child needs more of this: “I felt so seen“: she needs to be seen more, to be seen and approved of, to be treated with empathy and patience, to not be punished again (by you or others). She needs you to take her side al the way. This is what worked for me, and what keeps working.

Please let me know what you think of what I wrote here.

anita

Dear Liz: I will be away from the computer for a few hours and reply when I am back.

anita

You are welcome, Adrianne, and please post again anytime you feel like posting. I’ll be glad to read from you and reply every time you post (when I am in front of the computer).

anita

Dear Adrianne:

“It might be that she pursued me. Or it might be more complex“- as I see it, a complex person (she) pursued another complex person (you). Few of us are simple. 

“it was more of a being ‘too much’ problem that scared them off. So perhaps I was the one who gave her attention and kind of ‘guy’ vibe as I was not a typical girlie-bestie for her, I guess?“- she was/ is too much needy, and yes, I think that you represented an atypical alternative to the men who rejected her.

“I am angry at myself that I got so close with her… Gosh, I feel like I cheated.“- you mean that by not discouraging her efforts to pursue you, you cheated on your boyfriend? But you weren’t aware, or adequately aware, at the time that she was pursuing you for some kind of a romantic/ sexual relationship.. ?

anita