Dear Lisa:

“There is not much I can say right now. I would just be saying the same things I have said before“- say the same things you have said before in a different way, and I will respond in a different, more empathetic, understanding way than before!

anita

Re-submitting:

Dear IMBACK

“I had a thought today…  I started questioning If I even loved her“- what I boldfaced is the recurring, intrusive, obsessive thought.

Wikipedia/ relationship obsessive compulsive behavior (ROCD):  “People may continuously doubt whether they love their partner… haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship…

“ROCD is a form of OCD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are considered the Gold Standard psychological treatments for OCD. According to CBT models, we all have unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images and urges. Individuals with OCD interpret these intrusive experiences as meaning something bad about their character (crazy or bad) or about the future (a catastrophe is going to occur)… Such interpretations increase attention to unwanted intrusive experiences, making them more distressing and increasing their frequency…”.

Do you relate to this quote, and if so, do you feel that if you lost the loving feeling for her, it would make you “crazy or bad” (from the quote above), or that some catastrophe will happen?

“So I had a thought today, that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel like I have to love her and be over the moon with her every single minute of the day”-

– and if you don’t love her over the moon, every single minute of the day, what’s the worst that can happen?

“Or could it be that I’m afraid of the future... Now we are getting close to her 18 years birthday and I’m about to meet her family in 2 weeks”- what are you afraid of, IMBACK?

anita

Dear IMBACK:

You started your first post today with “I had a thought“. Are you familiar with obsessive thinking, as in the same thought repeating in your brain over and over again?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a thought disorder that is fueled by ongoing anxiety. Are you familiar with this term?

anita

Dear Sandy:

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “My partner has a hot temperament and when he gets bothered by something, he will turn cold, withdraw and not want to communicate”-

– the temperature shifts of anger: from hot to cold, cold as angry as hot. You are Stuck in an extreme weather situation inside your home (assuming you are living with him), metaphorically,  aren’t you?

“I’ve always felt like I was walking on eggshells because he felt like a time bomb“- Stuck in a war zone.

“I always try to encourage him to talk and I ask what upset him, I often find myself apologizing“- you are trying to defuse the bomb (to bring him to moderate temperatures) by encouraging him to express himself with words, and by apologizing to him.

“(I) can’t remember a time when he apologized to me“- he doesn’t mind being in the wrong, when he is in the wrong, and he doesn’t have a bomb in front of him to defuse… so no apologizing. Or he’s afraid that if he apologizes, he will lose a sense of power in the relationship.

“So essentially he’s a wall I cannot get through to, no matter how calm I am, how much I offer to listen, how available I try to make myself to talking about the problem“- an angry wall, an easily angered wall who doesn’t want to talk about his anger. I imagine that in his mind, neither him nor his anger is the problem. In his mind, are you the problem?

“Going through the silent treatment has broken me down“- his treatment of you = breaking you down, the war metaphor seems fitting.

“Each time we are in it, all I feel is anxiety, fear, hopelessness, abandonment. Over time it’s broken down my trust in him and the relationship, it’s damaged my sense of self worth and confidence“-  the consequences of war, and of being alone in it, alone against the enemy.

“And it’s made me feel like I don’t have a voice. I’ve forgotten how to express my feelings because he hasn’t allowed me to feel like I have a space to feel whatever set of emotions I’m feeling”- shoved against an angry wall, you have no space to breathe, to feel anything but that anxiety, fear, hopelessness…

“Regardless of how wrong and damaging the silent treatment is or refusing to sit down and communicate the problems a couple is facing, I cannot help but constantly feel at fault. I feel like all he sees are my reactions to situations but doesn’t see or acknowledge how I got there“-

– in his mind, you are the one at fault. I imagine that when you express distress and anger at him for being the angry wall that he is, he points to your natural, normal reactions to his actions as proof of your alleged faultiness.

“That has been a reoccurring struggle for me because  I acknowledge I am sensitive towards certain topics, I acknowledge I might show sensitivity towards other people in his life, yet I cannot help it“- you acknowledge that you are human. You can’t help being human.

“Being given the silent treatment while simultaneously watching your partner treat other people with kindness and respect beats you down“- you didn’t mention it, but I assume still that you are living with him, and the other people are visiting, or you and your partner visit them. You get a Wall, they get a Door…?

“I continually try to filter and sugar coat what I want to say to the point where I feel defeated and I feel like no matter what I say, how I say it, will never be received in a positive or supportive manner…  he will see the worst version or intention“- he sees you as the enemy, the one with bad intentions. No matter how much sugar you mix into your words, he tastes, or claims to taste bitterness…?

“I do not want to be quiet, I want to have a healthy, balanced conversation, I want to be able to go to my partner and tell him how I’m feeling without feeling anxious about his reaction or the consequences. I’m just stuck, I don’t know how to reclaim my voice here“- start perhaps with substituting the word partner with.. enemy? Because this is war, isn’t it?

“Has anyone been in a similar situation? Your thoughts and advice would be helpful.“-

– Yes, I grew up (or grew in, more accurately) with a person like your partner.. or enemy, more accurately: my mother. Like you, I was Stuck (with her). She was hot tempered and she gave me the cold, silent treatments. She was a time bomb, and I too felt like I was walking on eggshells, stuck in a war zone. I too tried and failed to defuse the time bomb but she was a wall and none of my efforts got through to her in any way that was positive…

Except for one effort that did get through to her and positively pleased her: when she hit me and called me names, etc., she said this one time that I remember, she said: the only thing I like about you is that when (I hit you, shame you), you say nothing back, you look down at the floor, quietly. My quiet submission to her aggression pleased her. For a while. Until the next time.

Like you, I suffered the consequences of a prolonged war (a war in which I was alone facing the enemy): anxiety, fear, hopelessness, abandonment… broken down.. trust… damaged.. sense of self worth and confidence: broken down,  didn’t grow up or outward, I grew in with a minimal sense of self.

Like you, I lost my voice, don’t remember ever having a voice. I was angry a lot, inside.. and when she saw my anger, my silent anger in my eyes.. seems like she was bewildered, as in not seeing at all that my anger was a natural reaction to her actions against me. She thought that my anger was proof that I was the faulty girl she thought I was to begin with, and she told me so. I believed her.

Like in your case, my enemy treated other people/ visitors, with kindness and respect.

No matter how much I tried to sugar coat my words as I tried to reach her, to reach her with my honesty and in some depth, she cried: BITTER. She repeatedly claimed that there were bad intentions behind my words, (re) actions, etc.

In the dynamics between my mother and I, her primary motivation was Power Over (me). My primary motivation was Positive, Honest Communication (Love). There was a lack of compatibility there, not wanting the same thing.

My advice: leave the war zone and attend quality psychotherapy.. and post again, if you would like. It may help to talk further..?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“A major realization for me to end things was asking myself ‘if the world ended and you had to spend the rest of your days in a room with this person, would you choose them to be your one person there?’ And my answer was no“- respect this major realization, keep it- consistently- in your awareness.

“I’m so curious about your partner and the type of relationship you have“- I didn’t share this in your thread.. how do you know I have a partner?

“I worry that he feels like ‘people always leave’ and that I contributed to that fear“- he left himself, didn’t he?

“one day I wanna hear more about what it was like to do what you are doing“- can you be more specific/ clear about what it is that you want to hear more of?

“I just don’t expect people to see me. I’ve accepted there are places in my head I will always be alone, but I’ve also learned that some people see you better than others“- too many people are too troubled to be able or willing to SEE another person. The world is a troubled world.

“so you can still see your childhood affecting who you are now?” – of course. I was formed during my formative years, aka my childhood.

“It’s amazing how many people there are in the world with their own bias of everything. I wonder what the world reads like, or what people really look like from zero bias“- people would look like infants, the age of zero bias.

“I have been called out and feel it was untrue many times in my life, hence being unseen most of it. However with you many things you notice about me feel true and are helping me understand myself faster“- I am not the same person I was before communicating with you. I see more of me because of you.

“I still can understand how you concluded what you did, which challenges me to really ask myself if it’s true for myself“- I wrote the above before I read this sentence..!

“if I 100% believe my person is out there for this lifetime then I wonder what they’re doing right now and when I will hear about it“- believe that your person is out there, but your person will not always SEE you, not a 100%. Not a (perfect) soul mate..

“You know what, I know you said you don’t watch a lot of tv, and I still wonder how. But have you ever watched like standup comedy on Netflix? Those got me through quarantine times“- actually, I watched a lot of standup comedy during quarantine, (YouTube videos, not TV)!

Good night, Seaturtel, 6:02 pm here, 7:02 pm where you’re at.

anita

Dear IMBACK:

You are welcome, and I am glad, by the way, that you are BACK. The talk with your father makes good sense to me. Your dad seems like a wise man

“I’m scared that if I do it again she won’t be able to take it anymore (which Is understandable, I’m still confused on how she can still be with me after treating her like this)“- next time you don’t feel love for her, do not get alarmed. Like I said, it’s normal to not always feel love for the person you love. Love, after all, is way more than a feeling!

Don’t tell her that you don’t feel love for her, or that you didn’t feel love for her when apart from her, it’s not fair to her, not any more than it’d be fair for her to tell you the same thing.

Feel free to come back here to your thread if and when you need my input and advice.

anita

Edit: The losing of your feelings for her happens sometimes because your brain wants to protect you from the Fall we discussed, and at other times, you don’t have loving feelings for her because.. no one has loving feelings for another person all the time, so it’s normal, it’s natural.

Now, imagine every person would tell their significant other when they don’t have loving feelings for them..  that would be hurtful and unnecessary, wouldn’t it?

(I will soon be away from the computer and back hours from now, and maybe not before tomorrow).

anita

anita