BTW – Anita, if you are still reading, I thought you would like to know that I have gone in search of the “what happened”.

Hi Jeena,

You must be going through such a tough time. I see that you’ve made a really deep connection with somebody online. Feelings are feelings whether they’re online or not. I think you need to answer this question for yourself though rather than asking here. Ultimately, what you think to be true is what is correct, but it’s always okay to ask others for advice and should be treated like a grain of salt in a bigger picture. I nor any other user on TB know details of this individual personally. Do you think “it’s” real if you haven’t met this person? If the feelings weren’t there and you didn’t feel so conflicted would you be on an online forum asking questions? Is the “it” you’re speaking of your feelings or the bond/relationship that you have formed with this person?

There may be many different reasons for the way this person is behaving. I will give advice based on my life experience and what i’ve heard/read about others. Usually when a guy/girl is being secretive that way they are hiding a secret. The fact that he is okay with speaking all the time, but doesn’t want to show himself to you on Skype or in person means that there is something he does not want to reveal. Have you seen him on camera before? What i’ve learned is that actions speak louder than words. Just because he speaks to you and is protective online does not mean he is willing to commit or go any further as he has already denied meeting in person.

In essence with that, he “claims” to be single. Do you know how old he is? Roughly speaking, he may be married with children or even have a girlfriend. He may be embarrassed about his appearance because it may not be exactly as he described to you online. He may have a stutter or something else he is embarrassed about. Who knows? What we do know is that he does not respect you because he does not consider your feelings. If he respected/cared for you then he would either tell you that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship/friendship apart from the internet or he would tell you a very clear cut reason as to why he can not meet you in person. It seems as if he has come up with an excuse that he “can’t” meet you. That may be very well true, but why can he not meet you? Anybody can do anything they want and when someone likes someone they will do anything they can to spend time with that person. He might also just be immature or have a real issue that he is uncomfortable sharing.

You seem like a very nice person and I’m guessing you’re a woman (hopefully correctly). Although he has done a lot of online communication and conversation for him it may have only been friendly or even a way to escape a troubled/ lacking relationship. It seems as if he just wants to keep things the way they are. Now, ask yourself if that is enough for you? It seems as if you are unhappy with this situation and quite conflicted (am I correct?) , do you think you can continue on knowing that this may never develop into anything in person? Is it worth it? Is it worth suppressing your emotions/feelings for someone or better to have a relationship in person where you can really get to know they physically and emotionally?

If you are still conflicted in what you need to do and want to try again then I suggest talking to him and letting him know how you feel very directly. Then, set up a small amount of time maybe 2 – 3 weeks and see if things change and he agrees to take things forwards. I do want to say that if he feels you pulling away, he may say anything and promise to “change” or “try” when he really will just go back to the way things were. If things don’t change after said amount of time, free yourself and open up space for someone else to come in. Someone who is willing and can give you what you need.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Annie.

Hello again Sann,

It’s very fortunate that you have been able to find humor in difficult situations as not many people can do that. You are worried that you will sound silly, so you are aware of the underlying feelings of why you are afraid to speak up. I definitely think that’s a great idea to find another social activity outside of work. To have something to relax besides work can change the environment and help you relate to others in ways other than work. Try to quiet the voice in your head. It’s okay to acknowledge that it’s there, but don’t let it control you. You have already started the process to become who you want to be by opening up little by little with your co-workers, so congratulations for that.

I definitely don’t think you are being sensitive. To have someone close to you like family talk negatively about you and mock you can be damaging to your self-esteem. The foundation for a healthy life/self comes from within our childhood and family where we are supposed to feel safe and secure to be who we want, but when we lack that sense of love and security we can’t develop a stable sense of self. We feel as if we can’t be ourselves because we will be criticized for the way we act or the things we say. However, you do not need to be like them and you don’t have to let those experiences make who you are. You have a mental awareness that mockery is wrong and is not the only way to communicate and that’s the first step towards becoming who you want to be. It is those people who really care about us that point out our mistakes while making sure to keep our feelings in consideration. We need others to tell us when we are in the wrong so that we can grow, but if we are criticized for something then it just makes us feel bad and we don’t learn from it.

Hi Taymor,

I am more than happy to share my words if it makes you feel any better. Try to find strength in your friends or come here when you are feeling upset, so that you can do well on finals. I totally screwed mine. It’s very sad when our dreams are broken. We are sad because we believe that our relationships had “potential” to be so much more and that we would achieve milestones together and that we will never be able to experience that. I really don’t like dating and prefer being in an exclusive relationship, so I understand your thoughts on marriage. Unfortunately, not everyone will share our thoughts and we can’t change how they feel. We may want to fix things, but we really can’t. We can work on ourselves and accepting things for what they are.

You are stronger than you know. If you want to reach out, then that’s up to you. If you can give yourself closure and don’t care to ask then that’s fine too. I understand where you are coming from. Is it the fact that you already tried asking him so many times why he wanted to end the relationship before you guys actually broke up and he didn’t say anything? It’s so frustrating – I know. You feel like you know this person, but on their end, they think they are protecting us by not telling us the truth. I support your decision in not reaching out to him.

I am doing a lot better and feeling really good, thanks for asking. It has been 3 months since our break up, but it was only 3-4 days ago that we spoke about why we broke up. He opened up and said some things about being stressed and anxious around me, but I know that isn’t the only reason. There are a lot of reasons, but I had to figure those out on my own by recalling events in the relationship. He told me that we could only be friends if I accepted that we would never be in a relationship ever again. I was sad and then I was mad that he never considered my feelings in any of our conversations. I always tell the truth and consider his feelings when we speak. Even after so much happened, I was still understanding and patient with the way he treated me. At times I am upset that I let myself go through that, but at the end of the day I am a better person and I will eventually meet someone who is compassionate the way I am. I asked him not to write to me anymore, but I will be seeing him at school in a week or so. How are you doing? What have you been doing to stay busy? Where is your ex now?

• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Annie.

Hello Taymor,

I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult time. Since you are in university I am guessing your ex boyfriend is not much older than you, correct? I can relate to how you may be feeling, even though I am further a long in the healing process as much more time has passed since my last relationship ended. What I can tell you is that it’s okay to be upset and feel what you’re feeling. It will be really hard to stay focused and do well in school sometimes. When you need to get work done, then get work done. When you need a break to process feelings – process those feelings and don’t push them away otherwise they will only build up.

For now, as you have already said, the closure will have to come from you. My ex sounds very similar to yours as he didn’t want to initiate the break up, but started distancing himself and saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Most men deal with things differently than women do. I’ve heard this before: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me or how to fix it” and would then promise to work on it. In these cases the individual already has one foot out of the door and thinks they can hold onto the relationship, when they really want to give up. They push their feelings aside and dive into their work and focus on other things. They only deal with one thing at a time and can easily distract themselves. Women/girls tend to ruminate more and are more likely to take longer to process their emotions. On the plus side, women have friends with whom they can talk to about their relationship and they are more willing to look outwards for help/ support. Let time go by and focus on your work, new activities and try to enjoy what is left of your university time. Luckily, I was able to process my feelings just a few weeks before the semester ended (I am in college as well). After time has gone by and you are feeling better then you can reach out and ask him whatever questions/grievances you might have had. Of course everyone processes feelings in their own way. What was really freeing for me was the tell my ex boyfriend about all of the times that he hurt me in the relationship when he was distancing himself. Whatever it is that keeps you tied to the relationship you can ask about. If he still doesn’t give you a clear answer, then the best thing would just be to let it go.

It’s important to note that most young people especially in their university years and much after do not have long term relationships for many reasons. Although some relationships last, the divorce rate is very high in young couples because there are so many changes occurring in those people’s lives. For example, there are things such as experience, life circumstances, familial circumstances, needs, priorities, desires, and feelings that change. What may help is to think of all the time you have to work on yourself now. Eventually you will meet the right person. Not all relationships are meant to last, some are just there for us to learn, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grieve them.