Hi Sann,

I understand why you might be frustrated – having to do your own work and then having someone else interfere with it. Have you been forwards in telling her that you think it’s time she do things for herself? Sometimes people have learned helplessness or co-depdency issues where they think they can’t do anything on their own. Sometimes people are just going through other things in their life. Sometimes people just don’t get it and are actually lost and they have no idea that people are being bothered because they initially seemed so happy to help.

This situation may be making you fearful because you may be viewing it as a win/lose situation. You said “I don’t know how to put my boundaries because i’m so full of fear. I’m now already afraid how she will react, that she will start shouting and be the stronger one and that i will ‘lose’ again.” I don’t necessarily think it’s a win/lose situation as you two are different people. I’m not sure if this has become some sort of a competition, but if you think so then just ask her directly. Maybe she was doing work for you in order to please you or be closer to you again? Maybe she felt like you did a lot for her, so she wanted to help you out?

You said that you began distancing yourself from her and then you say “Now we are not doing very well with communicating, and i feel that she doesn’t do much effort to even communicate with me about what she is going to do or what’s happening.” Maybe you should make some effort as well and ask her? Although I understand why you’re upset, I don’t think It’s fair that you are making all of these assumptions without talking to her about it. By assumptions – I mean that you think she is trying to take your space or that she will yell if you confront her. Let her know how you feel and see how she responds. A lot of the time, we can only see our own struggle and not the other person’s struggle. I’m not saying that you should allow her to treat you badly if she is, but she may not be able to see how you are feeling. On the other hand, she may be able to see that you are agitated by her and is trying to help you by doing things for you without asking for help/telling you anything.

I will be honest and say that I have been in the place of your co-worker. I was depressed and really wanted people to like me in the workplace, so I would do parts of their tasks for them. Nobody directly told me that I was asking for too much help. There were lots of rude comments going around on how they had to work for their spot or what not, while I was getting off easily. It was the most toxic environment I have ever worked in. People were distant and being very clique-y. In the end, I was blamed for being too quiet and being the one who didn’t want to interact with them.

A little bit of compassion and honesty can go a long way.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Annie.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Annie.

Hello again Carlos,

I think this situation was way too familiar for me, but of course it is unique to you, which is why I was trying to open up about the things that I have learned and checking if they may be plausible. It seems as if you two have opened up to each other and you have demonstrated that you care and are willing to give her space. Have you done anything to show her that you can give her space? Or maybe think about whether or not there were any issues in the relationship?

You said, “even though I am hurting, I feel a little relieved that I don’t want to experience those highs and lows.” I understand what you are saying. Could it be possible that she feels this way as well? – That if she can stay away then you will be able to be happy and so will she? She did say that she was afraid to get hurt and to hurt you.

I am in a similar situation as you are, I’m just taking things one day at a time and learning more about what makes a good relationship and the communication styles of men and women. If you are looking for advice as to what to do, then I think you are right that you may be a good match, but now is not the right time. Once she has learned how to deal with her fears then she can work on the relationship and give you what you need so that both of you can be happy. If not, then you still know that it wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could do about it. There are mental/emotional walls that she has to bring down on her own before she can feel comfortable letting another person in. For now, enjoy being single and learn more about good relationships or date other people.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Annie.

Hello Carlos,

Jodi has given you excellent advice in the comments. She said that she needs to “figure herself out and why she can’t advance in this block. I mean for her to just friendzone me must be a sign of pushing me away.” Yes, her friend zoning you is a way of pushing you away. I’ve realized a couple of things in these types of situations, they may or may not apply to you. It may feel as if to her that you don’t love her enough to let her be on her own or that you are forcing her to stay with you. She has been hurt in other relationships and was slowly making her way back. You said that you have been “patient” and I understand how difficult it is to be patient. In your mind, do you expect her to reciprocate your feelings because you have been patient? Although it can be frustrating being with someone who is unsure of their feelings, it can leave us waiting for the other person to reciprocate before we give ourselves to them again. She has to work on these things on her own in terms of fear of flying, fear of relationships, insecurity, and negative thoughts. She is right that only she can figure out what is making her feel this way. Sometimes people are not afraid of relationships themselves, but more the type of feelings that arise from the relationship (these can be both good and bad). She may be afraid that things are going too well and that may be new for her so she pushed you away first or she fears that something bad will happen and she will hurt you so she pushed you away.

You said, “The last thing I said was when you know what you really want and figure things out and change your mind then contact me.” Although I can see that you care about her deeply and want to be with her, to her it may seem as if you are putting her under an obligation to return or remain in the relationship. I may be wrong, but you two may be misunderstanding each other’s words/intentions.

Hi Jack,

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Having self-esteem/self-confidence is so vital to our well being as you have already noticed. Although I am not an expert in Buddhism, I have read many articles on TB and can give you what I know. You said you have a desire to “please and not offend lest I lose my job.” You believe this pleasing behavior is causing you to be vulnerable to harassment? You say you look extremely “insecure,” are you sure this is not just a thought coming from within you rather than outside of you? Sometimes when we lack self-esteem or self-confidence, we can perceive others as being critical of us and have a hard time coping with that. Either this is happening or you are in a completely toxic work environment. Do you ever feel this way when you are in other situations? Around other people who are not your co-workers?

Yes, I agree that we must have compassion for others, but we must not let them bring us down. When we have more compassion for ourself, we can be more accepting of others. Although it’s important to be respectful and understanding of others, you can nicely and assertively stand up for yourself. Yes, I agree that we should be beyond insulting as Buddhists, but not everyone shares the same values that we do. In that sense, we should be compassionate, but if something becomes too bad to the point where it negatively affects us, then we should speak up about it. There’s a great article on self-esteem and criticism, but of course we shouldn’t always have to bite the bullet.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-you-feel-crushed-by-criticism-and-what-to-do-about-it/

Hello again Jeena,

Uncertainty definitely has a way of making us feel uncomfortable, I feel for you. It seems as if you are saying that you have consciously decided to end the relationship based on the fact that “it’s not real if you cannot meet in person”? Not to be completely pessimistic, but there are many many many online sites where people post photos of themselves. You could have seen photos of anyone.

If he loves you then why doesn’t he want to reduce the distance between you two? Is it really “complicated” when we love someone and want to be near them? You are right – he may have been doing it for your benefit. He may have realized that you were a good person and he did not want to hurt you so he kept you in the dark.

You said “he seems so sure that we’re a match even though we have not met in person”. Perhaps he really believes this, on a more emotional level. It may also be that this is what he wants you to believe, in order to continue the online “thing.” Men, can’t live with them and can’t live without them. I used to say that relationships are tough and they are because they require a lot of work. What I’ve learned recently is that relationships require effort on BOTH sides and they aren’t that tough if both parties are willing to learn and grow TOGETHER. Sending you hugs!