Hi,

I tried to put it all ot of my mind today, but I feel so isolated and lonely . He said I am ”sick in the head”, and that I ”need help” , because I cant trust.

I feel like an idiot, and a failure – that yet again I have gone for a guy who is not compatable, and that it’s my very own fault, as I ignored the fact that all along I have been trying to make something that wasnt a good fit, fit us both…… I have tried so hard to make it work, because I loved him, but it’s like banging my head against a brick wall.

I also know that if I et him go I have to face that pain, and the heartache all again. Ive had so much of it all my life.

When I feel sad or insecure he just pushes me away, and I just want to be happy with someone, like my colleagues and friends – I seem to be the only one of them who has systematically screwed up my decisions.

He also said that I will never find anyoone to put up with me, and that nobody will ever be able to deal with me. Im afraid that’s true., maybe I’m too flawed to be part of a couple, and i’ll never feel comfortable and safe – that is what scares me most, as I want to feel comfortable and at ease and feel loved.

Thanks
Barbs.

Yes, I know Matt, i agree – dominoes possibly – it’s painful though – and I know suspicions are horrible, and are not conducive to intimacy, but he reacts by pushing me away, instead fo seeing that im a tiny bit vulnerable, thousands of miles away. I didnt ask him anything, I didnt accuse him of anything. And by lieing and telling me he is going to bed – at 9.30 !! Way to build trust ! Great path to our mutual trust. I know when he gets back that I wont trust him at all now – for me thats just bullshit – what a rediculous excuse. And just to cover his backside he said ”ill ring you first thing in the morning” – in otherwords ”im off radar until then”.

He knows my weak spots, and he knows im trying to work on them. I know that I poked a sensitive spot in him, but I feel stone -walled by him, and now ive made a fool of myself by texting and calling, as I hate uncertainty. He could have easily reassured me in an easy way, as I was’nt confrontational – but instead he chooses to be harsh and cold and judges me as some kind of pariah, and cuts contact.

I dont think I can do it anymore – we just seem to be poles apart – we are so different, and I dont think in a ying yang kind of way ! If I think if me in 5 years – with kids, and imagine if he went off for a week staying up all night at parties – I think thats acting like a guy who is free and single. I know if I go away with the girls, I am attentive, I call, I text, I ask to see how his day is. I go out too, but I let him know what im at, and i genuinely communicate. I would tell him that i met people, had a bit of craic, and id let him in on what I was up to.

Between the weed, the chef job, the partying, (ocasional coke use), the fact that im a teacher, our pace of life – maybe the writing is on the wall. We just dont click in a harmonious way. And I do feel that he moves so fast form one thing to the nest – be it football on tv, weed, friends, he is constantly moving and on the go – i just cant settle in this crazy existence. He comes in at 11.00 in the night, smokes, football, says hi, bed, and then it all starts again. Then days off are maybe a meal together, then smoking, football, friends, and the week starts again. I spend my weekends alone, other than going out with my few unmarried friends to keep myself independent. Its not that he isnt here physically, but in his head he is moving so fast onto the next plan, that I cant relax ! And I end up instigating plans, so that I can have him stick to a ‘date night’ or whatever. Its like even when he is here I know he is planning the next thing in his head – texting a friend, whatever…..I just maybe need someone who can rest easy, settle, chill out – but thats not him – he is like a ‘cat on a hot tin roof’, restlless and kind of preoccupied….

And im not trying to change him – im just assessing the whole palaver. Trying to see if I can handle this whole scenario. Even in councelling, the therapist said to him ”well I have to say, your job is all over the place”. She also said it would take a very self – sufficient person to be able for it – as you are like a single person, for all intense and purposes. His career is amazing, and he is gifted – but boy is it hard to be a ‘chef widow’. We havent had one holiday in 2 years, and I work hard too. He said that I am jealous of his holiday, just because I said ”oh I wish I could see it, oh that sounds beautiful ”

Oh what a mess.

And now tomorrow he will probably blank me too

Great!

Feeling sorry for myself – maybe Im a narcissist !!

🙂 Ill try to smile – I have to go to school tomorrow and teach, even though I feel like I could take a bottle of prozac to get rid of this pain. Better get happy.

Hi,

well just an update – all was going fine, but the texts were very sparse, and always hours after I would text. And they were one sided, never with any questions about how I am, or what either of us were doing. I got the feeling that they were just to keep me happy, rather than genuine communication, as such.

We then spoke on the phone this evening – he told me its amazing over there, there is a big festival, parties til 5 in the morning etc. Now I am an insecure person – so immediately I get anxious. Whenever he hears that in me at all in that anxious tone ( even though I am gentle and not confrontational – but maybe he can sense it ) he gets angry… I didnt say I was feeling insecure, but he said he could feel I wanted to question him, and that trust etc was a big problem….Yet if he was the insecure one – I would help him, be gentle, be mindful of all that we have learned about eachother in councelling – not angry, and detatched. he knows me by now, and knows how hard im trying with my practices, etc… but this seems to mean nothing to him.

So the converstation got a bit argumentative – although I stayed calm – I reassured him that I am really glad he is having a good time, but that I do get a small bit insecure. I asked him not to get angry over that – that I am far away, that even though I get insecure, I have not called him, or encroached on his fun, and have given him his space. His anger continued on the phone. It was 9 in the evening – and he said – ”im going to bed” – this from a guy who never ever, even with the worst hangover ever, goes to bed before 1.30 in the morning…..I knew in my gut he was getting ready to go out. He said ”im going to bed, i will ring you in the morning”. Trust to me works both ways – if he was gentle, caring and compassionate he would see that all I need is a small bit of attentiveness, and genuine communication, and to know he cares. Trust, I do not think, can be nurtured by lies – and I can cattegorically say he was not going to bed – in Spain on a guys holiday.

Which leads me to think – lies equals deception, and how do I know that he has not met someone there ? It is possible that this is why he reacted this way. Maybe he met someone at the festival, and he is just passing the blame to me.

So I tried to call him, and I sent a text -no answer.

Now I feel desperate, lonely, and suspicious, and neglected.

I really feel maybe somebody is telling me something here – should I move on ? Should I take that treatment ? I know I have my own issues, but am I asking too much ?

What do people think? Is my mistrust unfounded ? Maybe my gut is telling me things ?

Barbs.

Thanks Jade,

Yes, thats true.

My partner is a kind of an ” im busy , so ill txt when i get a chance ” kind of person. (in this case Id say he has been out on the river bank fishing with 2 other guys, and Id say he says to himself ” Ill do it later, as my hands are full ” ) Whereas I txt people back almost straight away.

I get annoyed – as I take it as – ”you are not that important to me” ” you are disposable, and I dont have to try that hard”. For example I dont really understand that he didnt txt me last night – as I would always do that – I kind of see it as a bit careless and mean. He probably sees it as – I went out for the evening, fell into bed, and I was exhausted ! (I didnt txt him because : a) I didnt want to look like im hunting him down on holidays b) I didnt want to wait for a reply while I was getting to sleep- and then get more anxious.

I think he is kind of relaxed all across the board – and if he ”lets me down”, in my eyes, which to him could be just that he didnt feel he had the right moment to stop what he was doing just then, I get to thinking maybe I cant rely on him. I would like him to be more reliable in these things – but he is the way he is !

Just have to let it be and not take it too personally I guess ?

Thanks so much Jade.

Barbs,