Hi K,

I remember back when I was in college and being shocked at how little my grandmother who was in her late 80’s ate. I realize now that her body didn’t need a lot of food and that she was listening to her body. I’m now in my 50’s and what’s interesting is  that when I overeat (which rarely happens now) I often experience uncomfortable symptoms like heartburn that I didn’t experience when I was younger. I think the anxiety creeps in when we don’t trust ourselves, when we’re afraid that we’re going to give in to our cravings (that are all in our heads) and then gain weight as a result, but the slowing metabolism happens to everyone eventually. Some people accept it and keep adjusting; others don’t.

I don’t think there’s a perfect eating schedule to keep the weight off and the anxiety at bay. I think as we age it’s constantly changing and we need to keep adjusting, but mostly just listening to our bodies. It may take a few weeks or so to learn how to listen to your body when eating. At first you may feel hungry all the time but eventually that will stop. Yes, it’s liberating once you crack the code, relax, and start trusting yourself, eat only when you’re truly hungry and realize that suddenly you don’t feel as well physically when you eat more than you need.

I eat much less than I did when I was a teenager and honestly don’t feel deprived. Right now I’m pretty content with two solid meals a day, one in the late morning and one in the evening, with healthy snacks in between, but this will eventually change I’m sure. I’m not afraid of gaining weight because it hasn’t been happening.

B

Hi Karina,

I’m with anita. I love your post. That’s how I feel too, that I need to keep my thoughts in check or else it means trouble for me. To me mindfulness is about bringing my attention to whatever is happening right now, and as regrets or worries creep in (which they will), being aware of what’s happening and letting them go. It’s about keeping a close watch on the activity in my head, being aware when unhealthy repetitive thoughts are bouncing around and choosing to get back to a healthier state. It’s an active choice I make over and over and over again every single day. What helps is letting my senses do the driving: what am I seeing (husband, kids), hearing (voices), smelling (eucalyptus trees), tasting (an apple), touching (my dog’s fur) — I’m instantly out of my head! Sometimes it’s easy; other times not so much, but overall it has greatly improved my life.

So I don’t have anger about my earlier situation because it forced me to find ways to cope with challenges, and the next challenge is always just around the corner so having a strategy in place beforehand brings me peace of mind. In my humble opinion, you are on the right path.

B

Hi Karina,

First, most of the time I don’t think people who post photos are intentionally trying to make others feel bad. When you saw those photos online, you felt bad. Was it intentional on your former friend’s part? Maybe, maybe not, but either way it ruined your day. I think this happens a lot.

I began moving forward once I realized that it wasn’t the situation that was affecting my happiness, it was I.  I was causing my own misery, drowning in my own negative thoughts. So one day I decided to stop in spite of the unfairness of the situation. So I read some books and learned how the mind works and how we sometimes need to detach from our thoughts. We can’t stop our thoughts but we can view them from a distance, not engage them or be dragged down by them. It wasn’t easy at first but it’s become a habit for me now.

What happened to you could happen to anyone. You tried to make it right but it turns out you can’t fix it so all you can do now is take care of yourself, heal, and get stronger. Don’t let these women affect who you are, and if you aren’t quite sure who you are then make a list of the qualities and values that are important to you and stick to that list no matter what happens. Sometimes we slip, make mistakes (nobody’s perfect), but then we forgive ourselves and get back on track. Take your power back from these women. They can’t affect you anymore.

No, you aren’t making too much of this experience. If you let it, this experience will teach you new ways to cope when things don’t go as planned.

B

Hi Karina,

The purpose of social media is a new popularity contest, to show everyone how perfect your family is, how booming you are socially, your fancy vacations…. Posters want everyone to know that they’re social and popular and out-about, etc. Yep, my sentiments exactly! It’s interesting, isn’t it, to think of this woman sitting in front of her computer (or her phone, or whatever) taking the time out of her day to upload personal photos to her social media with two purposes:  1) to elevate her own social status, and 2) to make those who weren’t included feel bad.

Now think of the millions of people around the world posting their personal photos online every day hoping to project an image of themselves that will make people admire them, want to be around them, think they are popular. Crazy, isn’t it?

I feel happy that you don’t drink the Kool-aid, that you’re on to the ridiculousness of social media. Honestly, the more selfies/personal photos a person posts online, the more respect I would lose for him/her.

I know this doesn’t take the sting away but I hope you know that you’ve reached a level of awareness that these women many never get to. Like you say, they are not your people.

B

Hi Karina,

It feels unjust because it is unjust. And I understand how much it hurts when you run into those women. So, whenever you can, avoid them. If it’s impossible to do that in a small town then you need to figure out a way to rise above it and stay calm and present when you do run into them. I know you don’t see it now but this situation may be a blessing in disguise for you. You can become so much stronger from it. Like Mary Tyler Moore said, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”

As awful as rejection is, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Hang in there.

B

Mikaylia,

It must have been awful to hear those words from him. I hope you are okay.

B

Hi Mikaylia,

Three huge decisions were made by you and your coworker within what seems to be a relatively short period of time: 1) to start an affair 2) to separate from your spouses 3) to divorce your spouses. Now that his divorce is final, it could be that he’s suddenly seeing clearly how his (impulsive?) decisions have affected others, including his children. Maybe this realization has hit him like a ton of bricks.

Asking to get your things hasn’t ruined your chances with him. I don’t think his behavior has anything to do with you. What I’d do is give him all the space he needs. Pick up your things, tell him you love/miss him, and leave. Give him a chance to regain his footing.

B

Adam,

I’m trying to understand. Before she left the state to see her estranged father she told you she was happy with you but now while with him she has decided she’s no longer happy with you. He has very strict rules and is pressuring her (to do what?) and she is also off her meds at his urging, and you believe that all these things are contributing to her decision to break up with you. Her mother and stepfather also seem to be a factor in her decision to end the relationship with you.

What does she mean when she says “she is too far gone”? And why don’t her parents want her to be with you?

B