Hi Joe,

I think it’s important that you’re aware that you do this. Many years ago a friend who openly shares about her struggles in her marriage randomly expressed to me her concern that everything may not be okay in MY marriage, and she decided NOT to tell me WHY she would even think this. I was totally blind-sided and confused. Why would she think there’s something’s wrong with my marriage? Is she judging my relationship as not as good as her own? Are people in the community gossiping about this? After many hours of trying to make sense of it my husband and I came to the conclusion that she was only projecting her own unhappy marriage onto us.

But it ruined my day.

This kind of thing is dangerous because if you’re unable to keep these thoughts to yourself then you’ll hurt others and they won’t want to be around you.

B

Hi Karina,

When faced with a situation like this one I choose the response that will leave me feeling good about myself in both the short- and long-term. You don’t want to meet with this lady which makes a lot of sense to me, but ignoring her message will only create more animosity toward you. My goal would be to protect myself (not meet with her) but also to decrease some of the bad blood that’s between these women and me so that I can breathe easier when seeing them around town. So I’d probably respond with something like this:

”Thanks so much for your message. I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately at this time I’ll need to take a rain check. I hope you’re doing well.”

Done! This way you’re decreasing  some of the anger between you and these women, and you’re also keeping the door open in case you learn something new that results in your suddenly seeing the whole situation differently.

Always take the high road.

Just my two cents. 🙂

B

I frequently hear one of the most vital components of healthy living that allows yourself the most fun and ‘permission’ is to simply let go and not worry…there’s no point to it. Is that one of the strategies you employ with your eating? Or do you simply not give it much thought at all? How much time and energy do you put into your eating beforehand and during?

As I’ve gotten older I’ve become much more aware of how I’m feeling both physically and emotionally and I’ve found that when I’m not feeling great physically that my emotions are then adversely affected. I’ve learned that food plays a significant part of this cause-and-effect for me. For example, I can no longer tolerate a lot of processed “junk” food. I’m not sure if it’s because my older digestive system isn’t as good as it used to be, or since it’s no longer routinely digesting all those extra chemicals, salt, and preservatives that it isn’t as efficient anymore at doing it, or finally if I’m simply more aware now of how bad I’ve always felt after eating this type of food. Regardless, I now associate processed junk food with not feeling well so it’s very easy for me to stay away from it.

The exact same thought process applies with regard to overeating. I associate overeating, even when it involves healthy food, with not feeling well so it’s easy for me to not do it.

I think the Western diet and lifestyle is totally messed up, to be blunt. We are eating large portions of “fast food” and not exercising regularly, and this is now considered “normal”.  So people don’t feel well anymore, both physically and emotionally, and they’re reaching for the wrong fixes — opioids, social media, porn, etc., — to escape not feeling well.

K, I am not motivated by food; I am motivated by feeling well.

So to get back to your questions, no, I don’t employ eating strategies and I don’t think about food very much. The strategies I employ in my life are those that result in my feeling well physically and emotionally. I just want food that tastes good and helps me/my family feel well, so that’s what I’m thinking about when I grocery shop and prepare/eat meals, but those are the only times I think about food.

B

Hi K,

I remember back when I was in college and being shocked at how little my grandmother who was in her late 80’s ate. I realize now that her body didn’t need a lot of food and that she was listening to her body. I’m now in my 50’s and what’s interesting is  that when I overeat (which rarely happens now) I often experience uncomfortable symptoms like heartburn that I didn’t experience when I was younger. I think the anxiety creeps in when we don’t trust ourselves, when we’re afraid that we’re going to give in to our cravings (that are all in our heads) and then gain weight as a result, but the slowing metabolism happens to everyone eventually. Some people accept it and keep adjusting; others don’t.

I don’t think there’s a perfect eating schedule to keep the weight off and the anxiety at bay. I think as we age it’s constantly changing and we need to keep adjusting, but mostly just listening to our bodies. It may take a few weeks or so to learn how to listen to your body when eating. At first you may feel hungry all the time but eventually that will stop. Yes, it’s liberating once you crack the code, relax, and start trusting yourself, eat only when you’re truly hungry and realize that suddenly you don’t feel as well physically when you eat more than you need.

I eat much less than I did when I was a teenager and honestly don’t feel deprived. Right now I’m pretty content with two solid meals a day, one in the late morning and one in the evening, with healthy snacks in between, but this will eventually change I’m sure. I’m not afraid of gaining weight because it hasn’t been happening.

B

Hi Karina,

I’m with anita. I love your post. That’s how I feel too, that I need to keep my thoughts in check or else it means trouble for me. To me mindfulness is about bringing my attention to whatever is happening right now, and as regrets or worries creep in (which they will), being aware of what’s happening and letting them go. It’s about keeping a close watch on the activity in my head, being aware when unhealthy repetitive thoughts are bouncing around and choosing to get back to a healthier state. It’s an active choice I make over and over and over again every single day. What helps is letting my senses do the driving: what am I seeing (husband, kids), hearing (voices), smelling (eucalyptus trees), tasting (an apple), touching (my dog’s fur) — I’m instantly out of my head! Sometimes it’s easy; other times not so much, but overall it has greatly improved my life.

So I don’t have anger about my earlier situation because it forced me to find ways to cope with challenges, and the next challenge is always just around the corner so having a strategy in place beforehand brings me peace of mind. In my humble opinion, you are on the right path.

B

Hi Karina,

First, most of the time I don’t think people who post photos are intentionally trying to make others feel bad. When you saw those photos online, you felt bad. Was it intentional on your former friend’s part? Maybe, maybe not, but either way it ruined your day. I think this happens a lot.

I began moving forward once I realized that it wasn’t the situation that was affecting my happiness, it was I.  I was causing my own misery, drowning in my own negative thoughts. So one day I decided to stop in spite of the unfairness of the situation. So I read some books and learned how the mind works and how we sometimes need to detach from our thoughts. We can’t stop our thoughts but we can view them from a distance, not engage them or be dragged down by them. It wasn’t easy at first but it’s become a habit for me now.

What happened to you could happen to anyone. You tried to make it right but it turns out you can’t fix it so all you can do now is take care of yourself, heal, and get stronger. Don’t let these women affect who you are, and if you aren’t quite sure who you are then make a list of the qualities and values that are important to you and stick to that list no matter what happens. Sometimes we slip, make mistakes (nobody’s perfect), but then we forgive ourselves and get back on track. Take your power back from these women. They can’t affect you anymore.

No, you aren’t making too much of this experience. If you let it, this experience will teach you new ways to cope when things don’t go as planned.

B

Hi Karina,

The purpose of social media is a new popularity contest, to show everyone how perfect your family is, how booming you are socially, your fancy vacations…. Posters want everyone to know that they’re social and popular and out-about, etc. Yep, my sentiments exactly! It’s interesting, isn’t it, to think of this woman sitting in front of her computer (or her phone, or whatever) taking the time out of her day to upload personal photos to her social media with two purposes:  1) to elevate her own social status, and 2) to make those who weren’t included feel bad.

Now think of the millions of people around the world posting their personal photos online every day hoping to project an image of themselves that will make people admire them, want to be around them, think they are popular. Crazy, isn’t it?

I feel happy that you don’t drink the Kool-aid, that you’re on to the ridiculousness of social media. Honestly, the more selfies/personal photos a person posts online, the more respect I would lose for him/her.

I know this doesn’t take the sting away but I hope you know that you’ve reached a level of awareness that these women many never get to. Like you say, they are not your people.

B