Hi Banana,

The people I admire most are those like you who make mistakes but then get back in the game, try to improve each day, keep fighting the good fight. I hope you can let go of the guilt. It’s already served its purpose and is of no use to you anymore.

B

Sorry, I messed up on your age. Just now looked back at your thread and I see you are 45, not over 50.

So what happened this morning while you were writing your last post? You started thinking about the lyrics of the song Faithfully and your mind went “into overload” thinking that someday you and your ex will be together again, and before you knew it you were crying. A thought popped into you head and you very quickly identified with it, got pulled in, and became sad. What if as soon as the thought popped into your head you had stopped and told yourself that if this random thought is not fueled by your attention and interest, it will simply disappear? The silly thought isn’t real! It only feels real when you bring attention to it. If you don’t engage with the thought, it won’t exist anymore. Recognize that these thoughts are just random mud balls being launched at you, nothing more. Try to visualize that, if you can. Just gently catch the random mud balls before they hit you, and then throw them away.

You can do this.

B

Hey John,

I was just now driving in my car thinking of a better way to explain to you how to let your thoughts go before getting pulled in by them.

Think of your thoughts as water balloons being thrown at you. Wait, no, make it mud, balloons filled with mud. You have no control over it; they are being thrown at you one at a time. Once one hits you, your clothes get muddy and wet and you have to spend the rest of the day in heavy, muddy, uncomfortable clothes, at work, when you’re with your kids, girlfriend, when you’re at the grocery store, when your all alone, all because a mud balloon hit you. So instead of letting these balloons hit you, what if you gently caught each before it could hit you and then threw it into a trash can, one by one? At first it’s difficult to catch them, but over time you get very, very skilled at gently catching a mud balloon and throwing it into a trash can before it can hit you. Your clothes stay dry and you remain comfortable wherever you go. And what’s great is that over time you find that fewer and fewer of these mud balloons are coming at you because their source isn’t having any success at hitting you anymore.

Early tomorrow morning when you see a bright full moon and think of your ex, catch the mud balloon before it can hit you and throw it in the trash can! It’s going to be a good day!

B

Wow, a whole year since the beginning of the end of that relationship! One whole year. 365 days. You’ve made progress but you’re still stuck. It happens to a lot of people, so you’re not so unusual.

Have you had enough yet?

If not, another 365 days will come and go, and at this time next year you may tell yourself: Two years since my ex went to that wedding and everything changed between us. I would do anything to go back in time and fix what i screwed up. At that time you can ask yourself again if you’ve had enough. If you haven’t, another 365 days will pass and at that time you may tell yourself: Three years since my ex went to that wedding and everything changed between us. I would do anything to go back in time and fix what i screwed up. Will you have had enough at that time?? Maybe, maybe not. Meanwhile life goes on but you remain stuck.

You say: I want to be a strong confident man again. Do you want that now or do you want to wait another year? You get to decide. You get to be who you want to be. If you want it now then make that decision now. Get out a piece of paper and write down exactly who you want to be, and then practice it every day starting today. Before long it’ll become a habit and you won’t even think about it. You will be that strong confident man. But if you would rather wait another year, that’s fine. It’s up to you.

She blocked you. That ship has sailed. Once you decide that you are a strong confident man without her, you are free!

🙂

How do we get Inky’s response into the  “Best of Inky” file? 🙂

Jenny, the he would want to help her out part of your post triggered my gag reflex.”Infinite nature of love”…..whaaaaa????

Your feelings about this situation seem very normal to me. It’s unfair of him to expect you to understand.

B

Wow! Yes, it all makes much more than an ounce of sense to me. I am very impressed.

If there was one thought I could add it would be the following to your first paragraph: Or fourthly, we can separate each choice within the larger decision to determine if any can be reevaluated or postponed so that we aren’t making too many life-changing choices at one time. For example, the choices to change jobs, change homes, and no longer live with your partner cannot be separated; however, the choice to completely end your relationship with her (who I assume is a very big support person in your life) possibly can be?

I just don’t know enough about that situation to know if that’s an option for you. I know you’ve said that in order to be emotionally and spiritually free you’d need to end the relationship, and I also know that at least one long-distance relationship in your past hasn’t worked for you, but having one support person through this difficult process would be nice especially when you’re not 100% certain you want to let her go. I’m not saying string her along; you know I’m not saying that. You know what I’m saying. You may wish to keep personal information about your relationship off the internet, so there’s no need to discuss it further. I just wanted to put it out there.

You have a very busy several days ahead of you! 🙂

B

Hi Neil,

I realized after I hit the Submit button on my last post that I had typed it too quickly without thinking through what I was trying to say. Earlier you had described exactly what you believe prompted your wrong turns and I’m not sure why I came up with a different one for you. Just wanted to say that I did read and do understand what you were saying about not feeling like you were enough.

I think I understand the urgency of this. With that said, I want to remind you that you’re making three life-changing decisions all at once and from a fragile emotional state. So lets throw some possible scenarios out there. Let’s say you make the choice you’re leaning toward and a year from now you find yourself here:
1) Your new job isn’t working out.
2) Neither is your new home.
3) You miss your ex-partner and she is now with someone else.
4) Your daughter isn’t spontaneously dropping in and hanging out…ever.

What happens now?

B

PS – You are very welcome. And no, I’m not a professional nor have I had counseling myself so I really have no idea what I’m doing. 🙂