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BrandyParticipantHi Neil,
No, I don’t think I’ve started a thread here in search for advice (yet). Some years back a friend of mine who shares my interest in mindfulness and meditation gave me a Tiny Buddha book as a gift, so I checked out the blog and forums and was instantly captivated, especially as I read accounts describing how a person’s childhood can really mess up his/her life. I’m totally fascinated with it all but also a little worried about how my kids will look back on their youth and judge me.
What makes me feel guilty? Maybe the better question is what doesn’t make me feel guilty? (I was raised Catholic after all.) I guess I feel guilty about the same types of things everyone else does — not valuing important relationships and letting them slip away, being judgmental, arrogant, and selfish as a young adult, not properly thanking the few people who were important role models in my life, losing precious years with a sibling as a result of my inability to forgive, and then there’s the constant guilt associated with parenting which, well, you know all about that and how hard it is.
What is my story? I prefer to keep it vague as I see the internet as…is creepy the right word? I’m happily married with 3 teenage kids and was raised in a large, busy family who, like yours I think, was devoted to sports. My parents both worked full-time and my days were structured: school, practice, part-time job, homework/studying, sleep. I learned a lot of good things from them but neither were great at connecting with us individually and seeing us as our own intelligent human beings with our own opinions, but no body’s perfect. I always felt safe and believed in their goodness which I still do. I was a middle kid who kept one eye on my older siblings to see what I was supposed to do next and the other on the younger ones to make sure they were in line. We all became very independent at very young ages. There were no drugs or catastrophic mistakes, thankfully. My parents were practical, teaching us the importance of education and in having at least one solid skill. I learned early on that I’m extremely left-brain dominant (logical, analytical, objective) to the point where if you asked me to draw the tree that I now see outside my window you just may get a picture of the perfect zebra. I believe in hard work as do all of my siblings who all have good jobs that pay their bills. We still all get along well but, maybe you know how this goes, spouses and extended families complicate the dynamic, so it’s no longer as easy as it was when we were kids. What was your childhood like?
What are the important choices that you will soon be making? No pressure to share that. I understand why you wouldn’t want to.
And how was your time with your daughter?
B
BrandyParticipantHi Neil,
You are very welcome. This website is amazing. I’ve learned so much about myself here, so replying to you doesn’t come from an entirely unselfish place, to be honest.
Your insights on guilt are excellent! Recognizing that “little nugget of wisdom” within my guilt cycle is key I think, and what’s dangerous is when I ignore it, tell myself fictional stories to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty at all, or surround myself with “yes” people who tell me what I want to hear instead of the truth. I guess if I can fool other people then I’ve done nothing wrong, right? Ugh. Sadly, I’ve done this more than I care to admit.
I think it’s fantastic that you’re getting back into running/exercising, and I’m not just saying that; I’m a believer! I find that as I get older it gets exponentially more difficult to get fit again after taking a break, so no more breaks for me. So I do things like register early for community 10K races just to keep myself mentally and physically in the game. Outdoor exercise for a quick attitude adjustment is like magic, for me. Lap swimming as a cross training activity to running is also an idea if you have access to a pool.
I find alcohol somewhat tricky. I never drank it until I was a new mom and the ladies in my circle would periodically get together for a “girls night out” which always included some drinking. (I discovered early on what a ridiculous “lightweight” I am — 1-2 drinks tops). It’s fun and relaxes me for sure but ultimately makes me feel bad, both physically and mentally. I realized this during a period of my life when a family member was facing a serious illness that required surgeries, radiation, and a mountain of research on my part. The pain, uncertainty, and stress associated with this situation each seemed to double in size after a drink. (Not right away, though, but just after the buzz started to fade.) What I learned is that, for me, when I’m going through something tough, not feeling mentally sharp and physically good only makes things worse, takes my eye off the ball, and I lose my focus. I realize alcohol doesn’t affect others the way it affects me.
So, back to your situation. I think forgiving yourself is huge….no, actually, monumental. Feeling worthless and hating yourself will only keep you stuck in the wet cement. The people I admire most are the ones who have made mistakes but keep getting back up, keep trying to improve, to be better people. I guess I can relate to them much better than I can to all the “perfect” people out there. No one’s got it all figured out; this I know for sure. Each day we can only try our best to be better than we were the day before. (Omg, I guess I think I’m Tony Robbins now? That’s pretty nauseating.)
Thanks for the complement. I could never see counseling as a career for me though. Truthfully, that would be the blind leading the blind…lol.
B
August 30, 2018 at 11:45 am in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #223765BrandyParticipantJohn,
Your friend of 15 years killed himself in your home one week ago, and you were there when it happened?
If a long-time friend of mine killed himself in my home, I would without a doubt require hard core professional psychotherapy to get me through it. I would make an appointment immediately. I would not rely on a website with random untrained people (like me) on it to help me through this.
My brain has trouble processing a single post that first describes in detail the events that led to the recent suicide of a friend and then to the hope that an ex-girlfriend will return someday. My untrained brain cannot connect the dots.
If you’re wrestling with feelings that you failed your friend and pushed him to suicide like you mentioned in your post, you need professional guidance. Take this seriously and fix it now.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Dorothee,
If I were you, I would let that concern go, that is, that my frosh week experience won’t be as good as it is for those who live on campus. Here’s how my thinking would go:
1. My situation is that I am unable to live on campus this term.
2. I can’t change my situation right now. I need to accept it.
3. Since there is nothing I can do about having to live at home this term, I’m going to detach from my concern because I have the power to do that. Bye-bye, concern!
4. I’m so excited for frosh week, uni, and meeting new friends! I’m going to make it a great week! 🙂
B
BrandyParticipantHi Neil,
I just now read your post for the 3rd time. You write beautifully. Wow.
I’m totally unqualified to provide counseling to you or anyone else, so keep that in mind as you read anything from me. 🙂
Like I mentioned in my previous post to you, I can see this sequence of events happening to anybody, and I don’t see any of the choices you’ve made as irreparable. My gut tells me that following your divorce you felt a tremendous amount of guilt that you couldn’t let go of, and that this and the powerlessness you felt within the situation created your depression. Everything that happened after that was simply a consequence of making a big decision from an unhealthy mental state.
The very first thing I would do if I were you would be to make an appointment for counseling and give the counselor a copy of your original post. Seems the thundering guilt and regret you feel as a result of your choices are keeping you “stuck in wet cement”, as you described. The counselor should help you to let it all go. Imagine what that would be like, that is, not ruminating, having a clear mind. I’ll bet it’s been a long time since you’ve had a clear mind. I wish that for you very much. Next, I would tell myself that I deserve to be forgiven…for every single mistake. Every single one. I would then list all of my regrets, one by one, and do my best to correct my misdeeds. With regard to your two girls, it’s never too late to rebuild the relationship. Be honest with them. Kids (yours are teenagers, right?) want the truth. As parents we make all kinds of mistakes every single day. Own them, apologize for them, then get back on track. Be the best dad you can be starting right now. Are you still working on the opposite side of the coast? If so, how’s that job going? Are you able to make payments toward your debt? Are you still drinking?
You say you don’t see a way out of this anymore. I see some ways out.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Neil,
I read your post twice. I’m unable to reply at this time but will within the next 24 hours.
Good choices happen when we’re in a healthy mental state, able to think things through logically, make good predictions and evaluate our options. You’ve been unhappy and struggling for so long, it’s no wonder that the choices you’ve made along the way turned out to be the wrong ones for you. Perhaps each was a simple attempt to persevere. The way I see it, the sequence of choices/events that led you to this point could have happened to anyone, including a really good person.
I’m so glad you reached out.
B
BrandyParticipantHi jean115,
You make a lot of sense to me. If I were you I would not try to rekindle this or contact him at all. Give him the space he needs to figure his own stuff out. I hope you no longer feel “regretful”, the title of your thread, because I don’t see anything you’ve done as regrettable.
Surround yourself with supportive friends and take it one day at time.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Dorothee,
My main focus for university is to obviously earn the highest marks I can but I also want to have fun at the same time.
These are both great goals! I think another great one is to learn as much as you can while you’re there. Really learn, not just to get high marks but also to increase your knowledge in different areas. And it’s okay to question what you learn. Trust your instincts, do your own research, and draw your own conclusions.
…it still hurts whenever I think about the past, even though I know it is over and time for me to move on.
I think most people hurt when they think about certain parts of their pasts. I know I do! It’s part of being human, I think. But I believe that the hurt we feel can make us stronger. For example, take rejection. Rejection is awful and hurts terribly, but every time I get through the awful experience of being rejected I can feel how much stronger I am than before it happened. At first the hurt is really bad, and then one day I notice it’s not as bad as it was in the beginning, that I’m starting to feel a little better. Some days my feelings slip back to bad again, but over time the general trend is one of improvement, or feeling better. And then I say to myself “Whew! You’re getting through this! You can handle this after all!” That makes me feel strong and proud of myself. It’s a process though; it doesn’t happen overnight, and this process can happen for different kinds of hurt, not just rejection.
What usually happens during frosh week of Uni? will I go to parties? is it as fun as everyone else says it is?
Each university has its own unique Frosh Week. Yours may include tours of the university and the residence hall you’ll living in (if you’re not commuting from home). There may be games, concerts, parades, clubs to join, videos to watch, parties, food, and you’ll probably be meeting a lot of other frosh. I don’t know, though, what your university will be doing. I hope that it’ll be really fun!
B
BrandyParticipantHi Dorothee,
That happens a lot during meditation. The mind starts to drift to concerns of the past or future. The single best thing I’ve learned from meditating is that I have the power to detach from all these concerns, and for me, knowing that I have this power is very important. Every morning when I wake up I know that whatever difficulty I face in the day ahead I will address, do my best to get through, and then detach from (let it go). That’s my daily motto!
I think the best way to make friends is to be yourself. I know, it sounds so cliché, but it really is true. You may say that you’re not quite sure who you are yet, and that’s totally normal. So what I would do is write a list of qualities that you think are important for a person to have, qualities that you want in yourself. For example, one quality that I want in myself is I never want to be someone who gossips about another person, so no matter what I won’t gossip. When other women come to me to tell me what so-and-so did, I just listen. I never add anything to their story. Another quality I want in myself is I choose my words very carefully. I never talk just to fill the silence. I stay quiet until I have something of value to say. These are two qualities that I admire in other people, so many years ago I decided that I wanted to have these qualities myself. So I made the decision that these are who I am, and I stick to that decision no matter what. I’m very stubborn that way (lol)! My list is long; yours can be too. So my point is, before you return to university, you get to decide what your values are and the qualities you want in yourself, and after you do, you can stick to it. Don’t change your values in order to get someone else to like you. I think that’s the best way to make the right kind of friends….and also to find the right partner.
Also, I believe that many universities offer free or low cost counseling services to help students get through anxiety and other problems. I would find out what your university offers and make counseling a priority in your life. I wish I had done that back when I was in college. What do you think?
B
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This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by
Brandy.
BrandyParticipantHi Dorothee,
Although being with him made me unhappy, part of me still decided to stay because of my fear of being alone.
I understand this thinking completely. When you find yourself lonely and missing him, don’t forget all the things about this relationship that made you unhappy. In fact, write them down now so that you can read them when you feel sad, weak, and tempted to contact him. Staying silent to avoid arguments and constantly apologizing to him — sounds to me like you were walking on eggshells while you were with this guy. That’s no way to live. You don’t have to do that anymore. Time to focus on yourself now. Counselling is really good idea, and meditation may help with the anxiety. Have you tried it?
B
BrandyParticipantHi Dorothee,
Most people at some point in their lives are treated badly at one point or another in a relationship, whether it’s a romantic one, a friendship, a family relationship, etc. Some believe they deserve the bad treatment and others believe they do not. Those who believe they do not usually won’t tolerate it. Seems to me that you were taught early on that you deserve to be treated badly and so when it happens your belief is “validated”, and it’s also why you keep going back to him. You say The fact that I deal with heavy anxiety everyday and I also happened to be a victim of an abusive relationship with a parent during my childhood does not seem to effect the way he still treated me. I disagree. I think that those things actually dictate the way he treated you: You believe you deserve it, so you get it. Well, you didn’t deserve it when you were a kid and you don’t deserve it now. It’s terrible that as a child you were taught that you are bad. It’s time to let go of that belief, albeit it may take some time and hard work as it probably runs pretty deep. What do you think about counseling?
B
BrandyParticipantHi Dorothee,
I understand how you feel. Most people want to find that “perfect” partner to share their lives with because, face it, it’s more fun to experience the good parts of life and less painful to experience the bad parts when you’re with someone you love and who loves you back. The fear creeps in when we think we’ll never find this person, that we’ll miss the boat. I think in most cultures this fear is more widespread among women than men simply because if a woman doesn’t find a partner to procreate with before her childbearing days are over, she may worry she’ll never have a family either. This fear is so real that what often happens is that those who feel it allow it to cloud their good judgment by ignoring the red flags in their relationships. In other words, they’d rather settle for the wrong partner than become a dreaded “spinster” or “lonely guy” (as Steve Martin would call them). So they get married, have a couple kids, and then of course they eventually can no longer overlook the flaws they ignored way back in the beginning and well, you know the rest, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and many that don’t are unhappy unions. I know some who would say “At least these folks got the family part of it — they were able to get some kids.” This is true, but there are other options these days. Women can freeze their eggs so that they have a shot at conceiving later in life, whether or not the right guy comes along (if he doesn’t, sperm banks are available). There is also adoption, which I know is so much harder now than it was back in the 1960s, but people still manage to do it.
Don’t settle for a guy who treats you badly. Stay away from him. Why do you feel you’re not good enough for him? How do you see yourself? What are some of your good qualities, and what are some that you see as not so good?
B
BrandyParticipantHi Felix,
I know a single guy your age who rents an apartment in a beautiful suburb of Los Angeles on an elementary school teacher’s salary. He has no money as it all goes toward rent, food, and his fun lifestyle. If you saw a photo of this guy you’d say he’s an average looking guy, but if you met him in person you’d think differently. People (including women) want to be around him. He works out every day, keeps his calendar filled with things he likes to do, and when he’s talking with you he asks questions, is genuinely interested, looks you straight in the eye, and listens. He’s totally sincere, no bs or phony-baloney. He’s self-confident, happy, and curious about things. He is alone (no partner) and wants to find the right woman very badly, but until she comes along he’s determine to enjoy his life. There are women who are interested in him — very interested; I know this for a fact. But he’s selective; isn’t going to settle for someone he isn’t totally crazy about. So he continues to have the life he wants, minus the girl for now. He has his moments when he’s tired of being surrounded by mostly married couples, families, etc., but he knows, as we all do, that not all marriages are as happy as they appear from the outside, and it’s much better to be single and free than stuck in an unhappy marriage. Also, as you have experienced yourself, around age 40 many marriages are ending which means many women are now available and looking for qualities in a man that they didn’t get the first time around, and money isn’t always what they’re looking for. I say keep paying off your debt and start really living your life. Believe it’s possible to enjoy life without a woman, then do it. Make doing the things you love your priority. Build friendships. Live with character and integrity. Smile and be friendly. Quality women prefer happy, great guys over wealthy ones, hands down.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Dorothee,
Sorry you’re feeling this way. So there’s 1) the fear of being alone with your thoughts, and 2) the fear of not having a partner in your older years. Is that right? I believe that both these fears are very common. A lot of people hate being alone with their thoughts so they use all kinds of distractions (some unhealthier than others) to get them through their “alone” times. Don’t choose a partner as a distraction, especially when the partner is not good for your well-being. If you keep getting back together with this guy, you’ll continue to be unhappy when you’re with him (apologizing constantly, staying silent to avoid arguments, etc.) and also when you’re not with him (as you are now). Break the cycle by figuring out why you need a distraction in the first place — why do you hate yourself?
We can talk about the fear of not having a partner in your older years too, if you want.
B
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This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.