Forum Replies Created
I really feel your pain. What a terrible situation.
I’m not familiar with the term “stonewalling” so I looked it up and read that it happens in a relationship when one refuses to communicate, and it’s used as a defense mechanism to preserve one’s self and emotions. I agree that the way he broke up with you the first time was beyond lame and very unfair to you, and I guess it could be considered stonewalling. The second breakup seems different to me, though. Reads to me that the love he has for his daughter is strong and that he’s decided to do whatever he needs to to be with his daughter. I don’t understand when you say that the mother of his daughter put a restraining order on him and kept him out of his own house — had they been living together, and does this woman and their daughter currently live in a house that he owns? And when he packed up and left to be with this woman, is he now living with them in his own house? It seems to me that this woman had a plan: to break the two of you up so that he’ll be with her and their daughter. She used the deep love that this man has for his daughter to get him to leave you; she wouldn’t let him see his daughter unless he came back to her. What a snake.
I would cut him some slack for this second breakup. I think his actions are being driven by the love for his daughter, and breaking up with you seems to be the only way the mother of his daughter will allow him to be with his daughter. I think that you are right that he’ll back for you. But my advice is to forgive him for his behavior and then move on without him, as difficult as it will be.
I read your earlier post from 3 weeks ago. In it you said “i have always felt i married my soul mate and had a happy marriage although with some issues but with kids and all they were buried. Last week while meditating a feeling of unhappiness that i have never really experienced before overcame me. The reality of the state of my marriage flashed before my eyes. We have always been the poster happy couple. I feel i have been trapped and i want out.” You also indicated in that post that you are bisexual, and although you loved your husband when you married him, you were not sexually attracted to him or “in love” with him. You wrote that the two of you disagree on things such as which languages the kids should learn, whether or not to eat healthily, and how to manage your finances, but that you acknowledge that he’s a very caring father, adores you, and helps around the house.
I think I understand how unhappy you are, and if you didn’t have 3 young children, I’d say end the marriage today. But you do have 3 young children, and not so long ago (right?) you believed you had married your soulmate and that your marriage was a happy one, but now, after this “awakening”, you want out of the marriage. So let’s say you leave, take your 3 young girls with you to live elsewhere, and then have another meditation experience where you realized you did the wrong thing? It reads to me that your husband is not a bad guy and that he loves you and his kids. Raising three young children is not easy — I know, I’ve done it — and some days you may want to run away and escape back to your old carefree life, but you don’t do it. A lot of the issues that the two of you have are the same issues that many married couples raising children have and go to couples therapy for, but the bisexual thing….I just don’t know about that one. Is this what is driving your feelings about this marriage? In your latest post you mention this other guy from your past whom you rejected and now may have some regrets. I agree with anita in that you may want to explore what’s going on with you through quality psychotherapy before making any big decisions, because the decisions you make could profoundly affect your three young girls.
If a friend who was in this same situation came to you and asked for your advice, what would you tell her? I mean, as an objective observer looking at the situation from the outside, what questions would you ask her, and what advice would you give her?
Hang in there.
I see nothing wrong with your decision. A lot of people feel the same way you do! I also see nothing wrong with taking two years to figure this out. You say you feel horrible but I hope it’s not because you believe you are hurting the child by leaving. He has a father; I think he’ll be fine. A lot of people aren’t cut out to be a step parent, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I agree with anita and Inky. It is fair and right for you to make a choice on the matter, and bravo for being so honest with yourself!
I hope you continue to post on this website. I think you’ve given a lot of great advice on several threads, and I enjoy reading what you have to say. And you too, Mark!
I believe that what you are going through is very common and that most married people experience times when they find themselves very physically and/or emotionally attracted to a person who is not their spouse. It happens every day, and if it’s a mutual attraction then the two parties involved are faced with a choice. What is it that makes one person choose to act on her desires (emotional or sexual) outside of her marriage while another person chooses to shut down those desires and walk away from them? If I were you I would ask myself this question, and I’d then decide which person I want to be.
You may say to yourself now that you won’t allow yourself to sleep with this man, but the wheels have already been set in motion, don’t you think? Kissing, intimate conversations, frequent text messages, getting anxious when he doesn’t text you for a day, desperately missing him, fantasies about each other (I’m guessing this is happening) — it is not going to be easy to walk away from this, is it? The human sex drive is very strong, so you need to plan ahead, prepare yourself for the eventual scenario that you two will find yourselves in. Before it happens, decide who you are, then be that person.
Like I said, I think most people are faced with this during their marriages, maybe several times. It must be one of the reasons why only half of all marriages last. When you objectively look around at other married couples and picture this same scenario happening to them, it’s much easier to see the big (ugly) picture, isn’t it? In other words, it’s easier to anticipate the eventual train wreck that’s coming when you can see the situation clearly without the “fog” that’s caused by all the sexual chemistry, which is often fleeting.
What happened in your relationship doesn’t make sense, and I understand how confused, disappointed and hurt you are. I would be too, definitely. Relationships are risky though. All of them are — friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, etc. You never know at what point feelings will change in each relationship. In the past I have ended romantic relationships with others because my feelings changed (have you ever?), and this didn’t always make sense to the person I ended the relationship with. What I remember more clearly, though, are those times when others have ended relationships with me, which was brutal for me. I would get some lame excuse like “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now”, “I’m too busy for a relationship, blah, blah, blah”, etc. I would then beat myself up, ask myself “What did I do wrong??” Maybe I did do something wrong, or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. But someone else’s romantic feelings toward me changed, and I had to accept it, although, trust me, I did whatever I could to try to figure it out logically. Sometimes it’s just not logical, though. It may have nothing to do with either person’s behavior in the relationship, e.g., if there was arguing going on in the relationship, etc. It may just be a feeling a person gets one day that tells him or her that the relationship isn’t what they want, even though the day before they thought it was what they wanted. And it may have nothing at all to do with you; it may have to do with the way he was raised, or his past experiences in relationships, or maybe he met someone who he feels is a better partner for him — this has happened to me btw, and yes, it’s awful. Some people choose not to enter relationships at all because they don’t want to experience hurt like this, because face it, most romantic relationships don’t work out in the long run, and someone often gets hurt. In spite of how difficult this is for you, I’m glad it happened 10 months in, instead of 10 years. Don’t remain friends with him — not because he’s a bad guy or anything but because it will be more difficult for you to get over him. Take care of yourself, exercise, eat right, do things you love doing. Get out of your head. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back out there. You’ll get through this. You’ll be ok.
Ok, I understand. Keep up on the advances being made in this area, though. I found recent research studies done on OIC, and there are several treatments listed. It seems, from the little I’ve read, that the biggest obstacle in treating it is using meds that don’t interfere with the pain-killing effects of the opioids, but you aren’t on opioids anymore so that wouldn’t be an issue for you, I would guess. So, who knows, I wonder if you may actually be an easier patient to treat for this problem? Just guessing, of course. I know you wrote that OIC specialists only see patients who are currently on opioids. All it takes is one caring doctor to agree to see you, so keep trying. Be persistent. Don’t give up. And who cares if they treat you like a drug addict? You know you are not a drug addict; that’s all that matters. (I know it’s hard to be treated that way, but you’re strong, and dealing with them would be temporary.) Hang in there, Eliana. I hope you feel better soon.
You are very welcome, Eliana.
Have you gathered online information from credible institutions (maybe the Mayo Clinic?) about opioid-induced constipation (OIC)? You are right, it seems OIC is very common, but it may take seeing a gastroenterologist who is an OIC expert to effectively treat it. Based on the little I’ve read about this, it’s very possible that the ER doctors you are dealing with don’t know how to reverse OIC, but that specialists do. The ER doctors you’ve seen should have referred you to a specialist.
You are a huge reason why I love this website so much. It’s obvious to me how much you want to help others who are hurting, and your advice always comes from a loving place, in spite of your traumatic childhood, health problems, and the loss of your friendships. What a beautiful quality.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELIANA!!!
<span style=”color: #000000; font-family: Calibri;”>Dear Alex,</span>
<span style=”color: #000000; font-family: Calibri;”>I’m so glad you reached out and posted your story on this forum. I read your post three times. I am another member here who is not qualified to council anyone. I can only communicate my instincts, personal experiences, and things that I have learned from others to you. I am a mom of three, one who is a young man your same age. </span>
<span style=”color: #000000; font-family: Calibri;”>I believe that all the feelings you are having are very normal for someone who has experienced the stressful events that you have. I have learned through my studies that witnessing a traumatic event can damage a child or teenager more severely than a physical wound can, and the reason for this is because his or her development isn’t yet complete. My understanding is that it is common for young people who have been through tough experiences to be confused, have difficulty concentrating, feel guilt, shame, self-blame, sad, hopeless, or that something bad is going to happen. The good news, Alex, is that there are many professionals out there who are trained to help young people like you go on to live very happy lives. They are called “trauma experts” and they have studied different approaches to help people like you heal. </span>
<span style=”color: #000000; font-family: Calibri;”>I believe that not all therapists are the same, so it might take some time to find the right one. It’s important that the therapist you select has a lot of experience treating patients who have experienced trauma. I know you stated that it isn’t easy for you to have the strength to talk about this stuff; that’s another very normal feeling to have. If you go see a therapist and you don’t feel comfortable opening up to that person, find a different therapist. The right therapist will make you feel safe, respected, and understood. Try to be patient while finding the right one.</span>
<span style=”color: #000000; font-family: Calibri;”>You have left a huge impression on me, Alex. You are an intelligent, sincere, sensible young man. Better times are ahead for you. Stay away from drugs and alcohol to escape these difficult feelings. Keep posting here instead.</span>
<span style=”color: #000000; font-family: Calibri;”>Brandy</span>
I’m a straight married woman who was raised in a conservative religious home, and I don’t believe homosexuality is against God at all. I believe that being gay is something you cannot change. “Beachratt” (Scott) gave you very solid advice above. A lot of people don’t accept homosexuality for religious reasons, others because it scares them, and still others because they just can’t (or don’t want to) understand it. Some are afraid to associate with homosexuals because they fear that if they do, people will think they themselves are gay. Parents of a gay child may think it’s a reflection of their parenting, that they did something wrong that made their child gay. I understand your reluctance to tell your best friend, and also your mom. Just know that there are many, many people who don’t have these fears and beliefs. I am one of them.
You say that you are feeling inauthentic. Take a deep breath, relax, and be yourself starting now. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to immediately tell everyone in your life that you are gay. Take it one step at time. First step: get real comfortable being the real you. It’ll be easier sharing the news with others once you are comfortable with it yourself. As Beachratt put it so perfectly, “Be true to yourself; there is nobody else in the world whose acceptance of you is as important than your own.”
I loved the honesty in your posts. I think you are awesome.
I had to smile while reading your post. Reads to me that you have a pretty nice family. Families go through changes and periods of “disequilibrium”, and it’s all normal. Significant changes in a family start to happen when children go through adolescence which started in your family many years ago, and again through emerging adulthood (ages 18-25) which you are also past now. Emerging adulthood is the age of identity explorations when people explore possibilities in love and work. It’s also the time when many people leave their families of origin and transform themselves – make independent decisions about what kind of people they wish to be and realize that they are not made only in the parents’ images. (Emerging adulthood doesn’t exist in all cultures, and I’m not sure what your culture is.) At the same time that all these changes are happening for the adult children in a family, parents are typically going through midlife which also impacts the family system. Midlife can be difficult as it’s considered a time when people feel less energy, may have a decline in health, feel less attractive, less creative. It’s also a time when they may reexamine their lives and feel very dissatisfied. All of these changes create tension between parents and their adult children, and relationships between them typically improve once the young people leave the home. It’s all normal.
You say, “I’m a point where I need some advice on how to handle my family and live my life however I want to live it and not through some complaints or unwanted help. Should I stand up for myself or should I let life find a way?” It may be time to start to think about leaving home, if possible. If this is not possible, talk to your parents about the way you feel, and listen to them when they tell you how they feel. Be aware and understanding of what each of you is going through. As far as your sister goes, if visiting her causes you distress, don’t visit her.
Hang in there, Franky. It gets better.
What a nice thing to say to me. Thank you very much, and I’m so glad that you don’t think GypsyQueen’s topic is inappropriate either.
BNovember 12, 2017 at 10:16 pm in reply to: Ex who I haven’t seen in two years “wants to talk” #177857
Very well said. Yep, I totally see your point.
BNovember 12, 2017 at 2:30 pm in reply to: Ex who I haven’t seen in two years “wants to talk” #177803
So you want him to understand that you have moved on, but you don’t want to seem as though you are still bitter about the breakup. I think I’d text him back and tell him that you are now in a committed relationship with another man (this is true, right?) and that it wouldn’t be right for you to meet with him one-on-one.