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Brandy

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Viewing 15 posts - 346 through 360 (of 386 total)
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  • Brandy
    Participant

    I don’t know if you’re right or wrong about the drama queen needing attention part. I think this forum is helpful in that not only does it provide emotional support and some light advice for those who need it, but it also helps people see how their own actions/behaviors and character flaws may be contributing to their own problems. I’m not as good as other members at determining what a person’s character flaws are; I’m better at providing the emotional support and light advice (which you can take or leave btw).

    So if you call her and she says she wants to get back together, you’ll be happy but you now have two brand new problems to deal with: 1) the fear that she will hurt you again, and 2) you can’t bring her around your friends because they don’t like her. If she says that she doesn’t want to get back together then you’ll be able to move on, but you are hurt.

    When I’m faced with a problem like this, I do nothing. I wait until I can see the situation more clearly before I make any big moves. I focus on other areas of my life: family, work, health, friends, hobbies, ambitions, spirituality, fun. I tell myself that I’ll be okay without immediate resolution to this problem. Then I leave it alone and get on with life. More often than not the problems resolve themselves without my doing anything.

    Brandy
    Participant

    John – How are you doing? -B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Nope, no way, I don’t believe that. You are not meant to be alone. You spoke your truth. You had to do it. She has probably sensed that something’s been up for a while anyway. You did the right thing.  Are you doing okay?

    Im typing this from my phone and hope it posts okay.

     

     

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I read what you shared about last September’s Vegas wedding (you were not included on this trip) and also about your ex’s recent family weekend back to Vegas. So your relationship with her was very strong before the Vegas wedding, and she then started to show signs of pulling away from you during/after that trip. Similarly, she was initiating text messages with you before her recent weekend in Vegas, and then during/after that trip completely stopped doing that. So you see a possible pattern here and you are trying to figure out what could be happening in Vegas to motivate her to change course with you both times? As you say, it could just be a coincidence. Is it possible that she met her new BF while at the Vegas wedding? I guess it would be difficult for you to determine that for sure. I know in a previous post you said that she may have even spent time with her new BF (they are in a long distance relationship) during her recent weekend Vegas. But again, you aren’t privy to this information so you won’t be able to determine if he is what is motivating her actions. But I’m thinking that if he was present during both these Vegas trips, then there is a possibility that he is motivating her actions.

    But there are other possibilities too. It’s obvious that her 19 year old son isn’t particularly fond of you. He flipped out when he found out you were planning to attend the wedding with them and then used that opportunity to tell his mom that he had enlisted in the Marines and wants the wedding trip to be a family trip without you. My oldest child is also a 19 year old son, and if he told me today that he’d enlisted and will soon be leaving for boot camp, my entire focus is now on him, so that explains to me why you’re suddenly not part of the wedding trip. So she goes on this family Vegas trip with her two boys, one who is soon leaving her, and btw he doesn’t like you. There is a possibility that on this trip she decided that she doesn’t want any tension within her family, especially now that her son is leaving for the military, so she decides to choose him over you. As for this recent Vegas trip, you indicated somewhere in this thread that this same son is back from the Marines for a few weeks. Was he with her on this recent Vegas family weekend? If so, there you go….that could be why she pulled away again. I would not blame her for this btw. I could see myself doing the same thing. The bond between mother and son is a strong one.

    Another possibility is her brother. Have you met him? If so, how does he feel about you? Both times that she decided to pull away from you, she’s been with him. Could it be that she is getting advice from him about the relationship with you?

    Just some thoughts to explore. Consider each with a grain of salt as I’m just throwing possibilities out there. What motivated her to pull away from you could be combination of all these scenarios or none of them. In my opinion, none of it really matters, does it? I mean, you couldn’t have controlled any of it. As they say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (sorry, bad joke). A better way to put it would be that your ability to sort out what really happened is limited because your ex hasn’t been forthcoming with the information.

    You say that you failed her. Well, there is a lot about this situation that was way out of your control.

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    What’s speaks volumes to me is that she has stopped initiating contact with you. I mean, if I’m swapping text messages with a guy and he knows I have strong feelings for him and he stops initiating contact with me, that would be a sign to me that he’s not all that interested. It’s a social cue. So I would back off until he gave me a different cue. You say that based on her past hurts she may be too afraid to reveal how she really feels about you. Don’t forget , though, that your relationship spiraled downward after you inserted yourself into her issues by trying to help out too much when you should have stepped back and given her space. You don’t want to repeat that mistake.

    I’m thinking that because you are on good terms with her now, see where the friendship goes. Let her be in the driver’s seat. You are in a much better position than you were when she told you not to contact her ever again — feel happy about that! Be patient, give it time, and see how this plays out. Like I said earlier, get used to sitting with uncertainty; although it may feel like a terrible place to be, it’s a valuable skill you’ll need for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t pressure her or make her answer questions she’s not ready for. I would slowly rebuild the trust with her, if she is willing. You can continue to meet new women and date while you do this. Keep your options open! You’re a single guy (or you will be if you decide to break up with your current gf) and I’m willing to bet that girls are interested. Get out with friends and meet new people. Do things you love doing. Have some fun! Take a break from this situation for a while. You’ve been under this black cloud for a while and now need to get out from under it. If you don’t hear from her in a month or two, drop her a quick text to tell her about some fun adventure you had, nothing heavy, like friends. Cheer her up with your happiness! You just may hear from her before that, though.

    So, to answer your question, if it were me, no, I wouldn’t send her a happy mothers day text. Let her miss not getting an expected text from you. Less is more, in my opinion. This advice, however, is only to give you a different perspective, help you see this situation differently, but you understand it so much better than I do and need to do what feels right for you,

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Ok, I see where you are coming from. It’s confusing, I agree. She may have been genuinely happy and relieved to hear from you after months of regretting her harsh words to you, and she may have been sincerely curious about your love life and maybe even a little jealous since she is now  in a long distance relationship and perhaps lonely in it. Maybe a combination of all these things is what was coming across in those text messages to you. But the key now is that she has stopped initiating messages with you, and her responses to you are now very brief, and she didn’t take you up on your offer to meet. Don’t let the earlier flirtatious behavior blind you to what may be happening now, that she  is pulling away.

    I hope she wasn’t playing games and screwing with your head like your female friend told you. It’s my feeling that she cares about you, didn’t want to hurt you and is relieved that after a few months of no contact she knows you are okay,  enjoys occasional correspondence with you, but isn’t looking to rekindle the romance with you at this time. If she’s confused about her feelings, the best thing you can do is to give her space to figure it all out. She knows how you feel already. Don’t tell her that you’ve changed; show her that you’ve changed.

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    “Wow. I never thought about it all that way. Kind of pisses me off. Why in the hell would someone flirt like she did (I know you told me why) if she knew how I felt. Almost feels like games or a power trip.”

    In your original post you wrote “In our texting she would make little comments  Some seemed like light flirting.” Maybe you interpreted it wrong. Maybe it wasn’t flirting. Maybe she was just trying to break the ice between you two, make you feel better because she knows she deeply hurt you.

    “Yes I was devastated. I guess I don’t understand how someone that showed me so much love could just be done. Yes it still hurts and I am continuing my suffering. Just freaking sucks”

    Yep, it sucks, but it happens every day. When you break things off with your current gf like you said you were going to do in your earlier post today, she may be ask herself the same question — how could someone who showed me so much love just be done?

    Thank you B. You did help me see how desperate I am appearing and would be if I did text her and send her that letter.

    You are welcome. It’s just a theory, of course, but the one thing I know for sure is that desperation is a huge turnoff for many women.

    I wish she wouldn’t of contacted me again. I was getting so much better until then.

    This statement of yours I don’t understand. She only contacted you because you sent her that earlier letter (with her personal belonging) asking her for clarification, right? So she took that opportunity to clarify things for you. If you hadn’t sent her that letter, she wouldn’t have contacted you, I am thinking.

    I hate hurting like this. I would never wish this pain and confusion on my worst enemies. Thanks again. I’ll keep you all posted on what happens in the next couple weeks.

    Hang in there. You come across as a good guy. Whatever you decide to do, try to accept the outcome even if it crushes you. No more overthinking and hearing only what you want to hear, as others on this thread have already spelled out for you.  This experience has been a good learning one for you. Yes, let us know what happens! 🙂

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I can see you’re in a lot of pain.

    After the ugly breakup when she told you never to contact her or her friends/family again, her harsh words got through to you, and you respected her wishes. She got on with her life and met a new guy; you got on with your life and met a new girl. Then, after a few months, you found a personal item of hers and sent it to her with a letter apologizing for your behavior in the relationship and asking for clarification regarding why the relationship ended. It seems her angry feelings toward you had softened and she responded that during the relationship you had changed and it brought up some red flags for her. The two of you continued texting each other with some light flirting, she even initiated some of the texts messages. She sent you a selfie, said she missed your kids/dog (but didn’t say she missed you), showed a little jealousy (or you interpreted it as jealousy) when you told her you’d been seeing someone, and she even told you that no one has ever cared for her like you have. All of this got your hopes up — WAY up. You became obsessed with getting her back. You continued to text her, but then she stopped initiating any texting and even began texting you less and less. This drove you crazy. At one point you asked her if she would meet with you and she responded that she didn’t think it was a good idea and to “have a great rest of the week”. To me, that statement means that not only does she not want to meet with you, but she also doesn’t want to text with you, but it seems that you didn’t interpret it that way. You sent her a bday card that she received before her birthday, and you also sent her a very deep and meaningful text message on her birthday (5 days ago). She responded via text message with something like “you are incredibly sweet. Thank you” with a heart emoji, but then that was it, nothing since then.

    So, as I read more and more from you, my thoughts about the situation have evolved. I think she genuinely cares about you and thinks you’re a good guy and probably felt some guilt for her harsh words to you at the end of the relationship,  and after a few months of your respecting her wishes of not contacting her, she was happy to hear from you because it gave her an opportunity to relieve her guilty conscience. I think that deep down she knew that her ending the relationship the way she did devastated you to your core and it bothered her for those months you had no contact. I believe that the light flirting, etc., within your text messaging was her attempt to lighten things up between the two of you so that she would feel better about what happened, but nothing more. You’ve interpreted this current silence from her as either 1) she’s done with the whole thing, or 2) she has feelings for you but is confused.  (I already told you in earlier posts that I don’t think it’s #2.) So you’ve decided that you are going to wait a few days and then text her again, and based on her response you will decide if you are going to send her a letter that you’ve already written that tells her that you’ve changed and want her back, and at the end of the letter you ask her (again) to meet with you.

    I believe that you are misinterpreting what is going on and that it’s your inability to accept what is actually happening that is making this situation worse and creating your continued suffering. If it were me, I wouldn’t text her again or send her the letter, but I believe you will do both. At this point, I think you appear desperate to her and that the time may come when she’ll resort to using harsh words with you again to get you to back off, just like she did when you two broke up. I hope that my above analysis of the situation is totally wrong and that the letter brings her back to you, but I don’t believe it will happen. I hope that if she tells you to move on, that you will, and that you won’t contact her again. You deserve to be happy. You can be happy without her. If she doesn’t want you back, I hope you’ll choose to be happy without her.

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    “She did wish me a happy birthday last month. So I will text her on her birthday and do the same. But besides that I will stop texting and let her initiate it.  It then if I do that and she doesn’t text then what?  Would that be because she is having feelings and is scared and it’s easier to forget or would it be because she doesn’t want anything more than friends?  OMG. This is so hard.”

    If she stops texting you, I don’t believe it’s because she’s scared and it’s easier to forget. She’s a 47 year old woman with grown kids, a job, and a full life.  After juggling work, a marriage, raising kids, a divorce, health issues, etc., this situation wouldn’t exactly “scare” her, I’m thinking. She knows how you feel about her, and at her age she knows what she wants. If she wants to be with you, she’ll be with you, but it may take her some time. If she stops communicating with you, it’s because she still sees the “red flags” that she saw when you were together. I really like the idea of letting her initiate all future communication between you two.

    As for the happy birthday text message for tomorrow, first, tell me, what did her “happy bday” text message last month to you say? The message you wrote above is beautiful. For me, if I’m completely in love with someone and he sends me that text message, I’m ecstatic. But if I’m decompressing after a “perfect storm of life drama” that included an ugly breakup, then that text message may be more than I want right now. You already sent her the earlier letter with her personal belongings and also the birthday card (you haven’t sent the bigger letter yet). I think I’d be cautious about overdoing this text message. I like “You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman and I will always be grateful that I got to share part of your life with you. Happy Birthday!” 

    Just my 2 cents! 🙂

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    Exactly — the last thing you want is to appear needy, clingy, and demanding. That’ll be a deal breaker, so don’t let that happen. As hard as this is for you, it’s a good opportunity to prove to yourself that you’re capable of sitting with the uncertainty of this situation and being okay while doing it. Reads to me that one reason you’re here is because your impatience in the earlier difficult situation got the best of you, but you’ve learned from that already, so keep breathing and try to remain calm and patient. It sounds like you’re determined not to repeat your earlier mistakes, so tell yourself that whatever happens here you’ll be fine. Don’t think of your decision to slow this down as a “messed up game”. Think of it as doing the mature, right thing. Show her you’ve changed.

    So she’s in an exclusive relationship with this new guy but continues to text with you and has even confided in you that the relationship she’s in is not like a real relationship. There’s a message in there somewhere.

    Before I answer the rest of your questions, tell me, she knows how you feel about her, right? I mean, without sending the letter, she already knows that you love her and want her back?

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    You know, the text messaging between you two is inconsistent with her not wanting you in her life. I can tell you that if I were completely done with an ex-boyfriend, I would not text him. Moreover, the text she sent you that said that no one has ever cared for her as much as you have is another indicator that there may still feelings there, in my opinion. Does she ever initiate the text messaging between you two, or is it always you? Regardless, she has certainly come a long way from the “Do not contact me or my friends/family again” statement to you. I guess the question is whether or not she wants to be more than friends.

    Is she exclusive with this new guy she’s seeing? If so, that may be one reason why she doesn’t want to meet up with you. Or she may just need some time. I don’t know…I’m now thinking you may need to slow this down, be more patient, take a step back. You already sent the birthday card. She knows you’re thinking about her. If she’s starting to think about you again, I hope the letter you’re planning to send next week doesn’t make her bolt. The letter is going to require a response from her. From how you’ve described this situation, she doesn’t seem like the type of person who wants this kind of pressure. If she’s worth it, you may want to keep the text messaging going for a while, keep things light and fun, rebuild the relationship before sending the letter. Give her a chance to remember and miss the good stuff about the relationship.

    I know that being in limbo is killing you but based on your last post, if she gets that letter next week, her response to you may not be what you are hoping for. If you’re at the point where, either way, you need to know where you stand with her right now, then send it, but be prepared to get some news that you don’t want.

    Sorry.

    B

    in reply to: Aloholism #205249
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Christina,

    We all feel guilty for things we’ve done and people we’ve hurt. Every single one of us. Right now I can think of several situations I wish I’d handled differently. It’s part of being human.

    Don’t let the bad thoughts win.

    You go girl! 🙂

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    It’s a good letter, and a good idea to tell your current GF that you need time alone. If you feel this strongly about your ex then you’ve got to give it a shot, right? If you don’t do it, you’ll always wonder. I think that the selfie she sent you may reveal something about how she feels about you, and her showing a little jealousy when she found out that you’re seeing someone — same.  But what do I know?…maybe she wants to remain friends with you and nothing more. So anyway, I say go for it, and then respect whatever decision she makes. I hope it works out!

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    We all mess up, and your posts clearly show that you’ve learned from your mistakes. The romantic side of me wants to say follow your heart, write the letter and include a lot of what you’ve shared here, especially this:

    Loving someone is giving them what they need when they need it and sacrificing if you have to for that time.  I did just the opposite.  I failed her.  I didn’t see it then, but i do now. I would give anything to go back in time.  If i could of just stepped back and let her come to me instead of constantly up her ass like i was when she was hurting…I needed to be #1 right then and there…

    What holds me back from giving you that advice, however, is your current GF. She deserves your total honesty. The way you describe her — wow, she seems really great. You say you love her but not as much as you love your ex, and that you think if you had met her before your ex, you would feel more for her. What if what you really want is right in front of you and you just can’t see it? If not, let her go so she can find someone who is as in love with her as you are with your ex, then go get your ex back.

    It’s a tough one. You seem like a really nice guy. Hang in there.

    B

    in reply to: I miss emotionally abusive ex #202375
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi MsMel,

    I like to fill my time doing things that will make me feel good physically. I find that when I’m feeling bad physically, any difficult emotions I’m feeling become worse. For example, I tend to hold my stress in my neck and shoulders,  causing tight muscles in both. When I have a painful knot in my neck or shoulder muscles, I tend to focus on the negative things that are happening in my life instead of the positive. It’s almost like I’m  seeing the world through negative lenses. In your case it might be like saying “If only I was with him, this pain I’m feeling would go away. Not being with him is causing my pain.” It’s the weirdest thing, but I’m glad to be aware that I do this. When I’m feeling good physically, I tend to focus more on the positive. In your case it might be like saying to myself “I feel so good physically that I can do this! I can survive and feel good without this relationship. I can be content and exist without him!”  I exercise vigorously and mostly outdoors, and I also try to eat well, stay away from alcohol and unhealthy foods that will ultimately make me feel worse. I also stretch my neck and shoulders, try to release any tension there, meditate, reach out to girlfriends, get activities on my calendar, see movies, go on hikes. All these things help, but being in good physical condition does something magic to my emotions, and also helps me to sleep better at night.

    B

Viewing 15 posts - 346 through 360 (of 386 total)