What’s speaks volumes to me is that she has stopped initiating contact with you. I mean, if I’m swapping text messages with a guy and he knows I have strong feelings for him and he stops initiating contact with me, that would be a sign to me that he’s not all that interested. It’s a social cue. So I would back off until he gave me a different cue. You say that based on her past hurts she may be too afraid to reveal how she really feels about you. Don’t forget , though, that your relationship spiraled downward after you inserted yourself into her issues by trying to help out too much when you should have stepped back and given her space. You don’t want to repeat that mistake.

I’m thinking that because you are on good terms with her now, see where the friendship goes. Let her be in the driver’s seat. You are in a much better position than you were when she told you not to contact her ever again — feel happy about that! Be patient, give it time, and see how this plays out. Like I said earlier, get used to sitting with uncertainty; although it may feel like a terrible place to be, it’s a valuable skill you’ll need for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t pressure her or make her answer questions she’s not ready for. I would slowly rebuild the trust with her, if she is willing. You can continue to meet new women and date while you do this. Keep your options open! You’re a single guy (or you will be if you decide to break up with your current gf) and I’m willing to bet that girls are interested. Get out with friends and meet new people. Do things you love doing. Have some fun! Take a break from this situation for a while. You’ve been under this black cloud for a while and now need to get out from under it. If you don’t hear from her in a month or two, drop her a quick text to tell her about some fun adventure you had, nothing heavy, like friends. Cheer her up with your happiness! You just may hear from her before that, though.

So, to answer your question, if it were me, no, I wouldn’t send her a happy mothers day text. Let her miss not getting an expected text from you. Less is more, in my opinion. This advice, however, is only to give you a different perspective, help you see this situation differently, but you understand it so much better than I do and need to do what feels right for you,

B

“Wow. I never thought about it all that way. Kind of pisses me off. Why in the hell would someone flirt like she did (I know you told me why) if she knew how I felt. Almost feels like games or a power trip.”

In your original post you wrote “In our texting she would make little comments  Some seemed like light flirting.” Maybe you interpreted it wrong. Maybe it wasn’t flirting. Maybe she was just trying to break the ice between you two, make you feel better because she knows she deeply hurt you.

“Yes I was devastated. I guess I don’t understand how someone that showed me so much love could just be done. Yes it still hurts and I am continuing my suffering. Just freaking sucks”

Yep, it sucks, but it happens every day. When you break things off with your current gf like you said you were going to do in your earlier post today, she may be ask herself the same question — how could someone who showed me so much love just be done?

“Thank you B. You did help me see how desperate I am appearing and would be if I did text her and send her that letter.”

You are welcome. It’s just a theory, of course, but the one thing I know for sure is that desperation is a huge turnoff for many women.

“I wish she wouldn’t of contacted me again. I was getting so much better until then.”

This statement of yours I don’t understand. She only contacted you because you sent her that earlier letter (with her personal belonging) asking her for clarification, right? So she took that opportunity to clarify things for you. If you hadn’t sent her that letter, she wouldn’t have contacted you, I am thinking.

“I hate hurting like this. I would never wish this pain and confusion on my worst enemies. Thanks again. I’ll keep you all posted on what happens in the next couple weeks.”

Hang in there. You come across as a good guy. Whatever you decide to do, try to accept the outcome even if it crushes you. No more overthinking and hearing only what you want to hear, as others on this thread have already spelled out for you.  This experience has been a good learning one for you. Yes, let us know what happens! 🙂

B

“She did wish me a happy birthday last month. So I will text her on her birthday and do the same. But besides that I will stop texting and let her initiate it.  It then if I do that and she doesn’t text then what?  Would that be because she is having feelings and is scared and it’s easier to forget or would it be because she doesn’t want anything more than friends?  OMG. This is so hard.”

If she stops texting you, I don’t believe it’s because she’s scared and it’s easier to forget. She’s a 47 year old woman with grown kids, a job, and a full life.  After juggling work, a marriage, raising kids, a divorce, health issues, etc., this situation wouldn’t exactly “scare” her, I’m thinking. She knows how you feel about her, and at her age she knows what she wants. If she wants to be with you, she’ll be with you, but it may take her some time. If she stops communicating with you, it’s because she still sees the “red flags” that she saw when you were together. I really like the idea of letting her initiate all future communication between you two.

As for the happy birthday text message for tomorrow, first, tell me, what did her “happy bday” text message last month to you say? The message you wrote above is beautiful. For me, if I’m completely in love with someone and he sends me that text message, I’m ecstatic. But if I’m decompressing after a “perfect storm of life drama” that included an ugly breakup, then that text message may be more than I want right now. You already sent her the earlier letter with her personal belongings and also the birthday card (you haven’t sent the bigger letter yet). I think I’d be cautious about overdoing this text message. I like “You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman and I will always be grateful that I got to share part of your life with you. Happy Birthday!” 

Just my 2 cents! 🙂

B

Hi John,

You know, the text messaging between you two is inconsistent with her not wanting you in her life. I can tell you that if I were completely done with an ex-boyfriend, I would not text him. Moreover, the text she sent you that said that no one has ever cared for her as much as you have is another indicator that there may still feelings there, in my opinion. Does she ever initiate the text messaging between you two, or is it always you? Regardless, she has certainly come a long way from the “Do not contact me or my friends/family again” statement to you. I guess the question is whether or not she wants to be more than friends.

Is she exclusive with this new guy she’s seeing? If so, that may be one reason why she doesn’t want to meet up with you. Or she may just need some time. I don’t know…I’m now thinking you may need to slow this down, be more patient, take a step back. You already sent the birthday card. She knows you’re thinking about her. If she’s starting to think about you again, I hope the letter you’re planning to send next week doesn’t make her bolt. The letter is going to require a response from her. From how you’ve described this situation, she doesn’t seem like the type of person who wants this kind of pressure. If she’s worth it, you may want to keep the text messaging going for a while, keep things light and fun, rebuild the relationship before sending the letter. Give her a chance to remember and miss the good stuff about the relationship.

I know that being in limbo is killing you but based on your last post, if she gets that letter next week, her response to you may not be what you are hoping for. If you’re at the point where, either way, you need to know where you stand with her right now, then send it, but be prepared to get some news that you don’t want.

Sorry.

B

Hi John,

It’s a good letter, and a good idea to tell your current GF that you need time alone. If you feel this strongly about your ex then you’ve got to give it a shot, right? If you don’t do it, you’ll always wonder. I think that the selfie she sent you may reveal something about how she feels about you, and her showing a little jealousy when she found out that you’re seeing someone — same.  But what do I know?…maybe she wants to remain friends with you and nothing more. So anyway, I say go for it, and then respect whatever decision she makes. I hope it works out!

B

Hi MsMel,

I like to fill my time doing things that will make me feel good physically. I find that when I’m feeling bad physically, any difficult emotions I’m feeling become worse. For example, I tend to hold my stress in my neck and shoulders,  causing tight muscles in both. When I have a painful knot in my neck or shoulder muscles, I tend to focus on the negative things that are happening in my life instead of the positive. It’s almost like I’m  seeing the world through negative lenses. In your case it might be like saying “If only I was with him, this pain I’m feeling would go away. Not being with him is causing my pain.” It’s the weirdest thing, but I’m glad to be aware that I do this. When I’m feeling good physically, I tend to focus more on the positive. In your case it might be like saying to myself “I feel so good physically that I can do this! I can survive and feel good without this relationship. I can be content and exist without him!”  I exercise vigorously and mostly outdoors, and I also try to eat well, stay away from alcohol and unhealthy foods that will ultimately make me feel worse. I also stretch my neck and shoulders, try to release any tension there, meditate, reach out to girlfriends, get activities on my calendar, see movies, go on hikes. All these things help, but being in good physical condition does something magic to my emotions, and also helps me to sleep better at night.

B

Hi Katie,

What Gabi and Jared did was wrong, but this should have stayed between Gabi, Bianca, and Jared. How sad that “everyone dropped Gabi”. She’s been ostracized for 4 months now?? Does anyone know if she is okay?

It’s never a good idea to talk badly about another person. Once you do it, you can’t un-do it. Look what all this hurtful gossip has done to her, being known in certain circles as a “slut”. I don’t know how this situation can be fixed. If I were Gabi, I would probably want to move away and start fresh somewhere else.

Do the right thing and contact her and make sure she is okay.

B

Ok, thanks, I understand better now. I still think, however, that he has communicated with you much better this time than he did throughout the first breakup. In other words, this time he has given you a reason for why he left, and it seems to me like a valid and truthful reason. Yes, he has now stopped communicating with you and I see how frustrating this is for you, but I don’t think you can drop what is happening here into the “he’s got a stonewalling problem” bucket. He may have fully intended to keep his word that he wouldn’t leave you a second time, but he probably didn’t anticipate the cruel actions of the mother of his child. Obviously, I don’t know for sure. I do know, however, how strong the love a parent can have for his/her child, and I understand why a guy would do whatever he feels he needs to do to be with his daughter.

The reason why I think you should move on without him is because I believe that this is going to be an ongoing struggle for you. The woman of his child will always be in this life, even if he is with you, and she’s shown through her actions that she doesn’t care about you or your feelings at all, and that she could quite possibly make your life miserable.