Hi ninibee,

I just now re-read the correspondence you and I had on your thread titled “Am I too sensitive? Being blocked on Facebook”, and at no point did I find you disagreeable, unlikable, or uninteresting. In fact, I admire you for your openness, honesty, intelligence, and willingness to reach out and ask for help.

Our minds sometimes play tricks on us, make us believe things that are inaccurate. This happens to everyone. It’s important to be aware that this happens.

You mentioned that you are afraid to go back and reread your posts but I wish you would consider doing it. I wish you’d reread our entire correspondence to each other in that earlier thread. If you do, I think you’ll see for yourself that you are not disagreeable, unlikable, or uninteresting, and that I’m honest with you, think highly of you, and want to help you. Did anything that I wrote to you in that earlier thread resonate? If so, what?

B

Hi Felix,

You say you’ve “let go” but you continue to be under an enormous amount of stress. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. I wonder if the tasks you are undertaking are too much for you, Felix, making your goals seem unreachable and causing you to lose a sense of future.

You may have heard of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian neurologist/psychiatrist who was a prisoner in the Nazi concentration camps of WWII where several of his family members, including his pregnant wife, perished. Life in the concentration camps taught Viktor that our main motivation in life is not pleasure, power or wealth but rather meaning. He believed that we can discover this meaning in life by “the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering” and that “everything can be taken from a man but one thing…to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Felix, it’s easier to have a positive outlook during hard times when there’s hope that your situation will eventually improve, but you seem to have lost all hope. You don’t have a good attitude about your situation because you don’t see an end to it. Your goals seem unreachable and you’ve lost a sense of future.

Is it time to set different goals?

B

Hi Felix,

I’ve enjoyed reading through this thread and I found your “metaphor kung fu” comment very funny.  On a more serious note, in your most recent post you shared:  I lost my health, most of my savings, my home, my wife, my job, had cancer, had to file for bankruptcy, and many other things went wrong…I am afraid I’ll break one of these days, and the title of your thread is Where to find strength. Maybe strength starts to materialize once you allow the feelings you have to just be there. In other words, by being distressed about your distress, you are creating another level of distress. What if you decide that you don’t mind your distress anymore? What happens then?

B

Hi Jane,

I’m sorry to read that the relationship with your son is broken but based on our earlier communication I support the difficult decisions you’ve had to make. We parents make plenty of mistakes so we take responsibility for them and try to do better, but we can’t always control what happens. Parent-child estrangements are painful and common. I’m so sorry you’re no longer in touch with your grandchild, but this is not your choice. It’s out of your control.

Your son is now a new father and will make his own parenting mistakes, like separating his child from a loving grandmother. Eventually, he’ll figure it out.

In the mean time, may your siblings provide the comfort you need when you tell them of the sadness you feel.

B

Thanks, KayCee, I am well. Hope you are too!

B 🙂

That’s great news from the doctor, Ryan! Thanks for the update.

B

Hi Ryan,

I’m so glad the evening went well and that you are comfortable with the way things are.

While a part of me wants “concrete,” a piece of me takes comfort in the fluidity of our relationship.

Ryan, I have three very close long-term friendships and none of them started off as “concrete” but slowly became that way over a long period of time (many years). You’ve known her for a relatively short time (3 or 4 mos, I think?), so “concrete” at this point may create unnecessary pressure on you both. I like that there’s a part of you that is just fine with the uncertainty of what’s to come.

B

Hi Ryan,

I don’t want to interrupt the communication between you and Anita so I’ll be quick. Why not decide to postpone the questions you have and instead focus on simply having a fantastic dinner with her? Take a break from the difficult emotions and just relax, have some fun together?

You’ve already expressed in your email to her that “maybe, in time, we can develop something deeper and more meaningful, as friends” and then added “You need not reply. I’ll be here if you’d like to spend time together”, but you’re curious to know where she stands. Ryan, your email to her was excellent; let it stand on it’s own! Give her some time to process it all.

You told her  “I have tried to be the least stressful piece of your life…”. With the recent devastating news she’s received about her ex, now’s the time to be the friend she may need you to be. No need to define it. Just do it.

I hope you have a nice dinner tomorrow, Ryan! 🙂

B