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BrandyParticipantYou are welcome, Kristine. 🙂
BrandyParticipantHi Kristine,
A guy in his 50’s is bound to have had several meaningful relationships, some with women he deeply loved who hurt him. That would be normal. Had he not shared with you the details of these two relationships then you likely wouldn’t feel the way you do. Divulging certain aspects of past relationships with a new partner is risky. He obviously thought it was safe to do so with you and never would have had he seen you as insecure or sensitive.
You say “I never question his love for me or his commitment to me.” This guys sounds amazing and he’s with you because he wants you.
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BrandyParticipantHi Debbie,
Many feel anxious about voicing their political opinions for fear of being disrespected, disliked, teased (like you were), or ostracized. It’s especially troubling in the workplace. I choose to not engage and I’m always amazed when people make statements that reveal their assumption that I share their position on a particular issue (because only an idiot would have an opposing position to theirs, right? :/ ) It’s the strangest thing. Maybe not knowing my position creates discomfort for them and it’s a passive-aggressive attempt to get the information they want in order to feel more comfortable. Don’t take the bait, Debbie! Follow your dad’s advice, don’t engage, and don’t worry about what happened in the lunchroom that day. I’ve a hunch there are others in your office who are afraid to reveal their true thoughts.
Feeling excluded from inside political jokes and knowing others are watching what they say around you are both painful experiences. Gain strength in knowing that you are not alone. Continue to think things out for yourself, and be friendly, respectful yet also confident around those who disagree with you politically.
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BrandyParticipantHi JoJo,
You are welcome, and you have a good day too!
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BrandyParticipantHi Tridha,
Your MIL makes snide, hurtful remarks to you yet you’re expected to be kind to her because it’s your culture? And you’re also expected to ask your husband’s family for permission to see your own parents? No wonder you’re unhappy, Tridha.
Is marriage counseling an option? Perhaps a professional can explain to both you and your husband just how damaging your MIL’s abusive and controlling behaviors are to your emotional well being.
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BrandyParticipantHi Tridha,
You have a 6 month old baby and a full-time job and your MIL expects you to call her every day? That’s unacceptable. My husband’s mother is deceased now. She lived in a different state and she and I had a good relationship but I very rarely called her because my husband called her regularly (about once a week). Sometimes I would get on the phone and say hello but not every time. If your MIL is expecting daily phone calls then your husband (her son) should be the one making them. If he doesn’t want to do it,then no daily calls.
You are not obligated to call her, even only once a week, when she speaks to you the way she does. Don’t call her at all. Just stop.
If your husband can’t support you in this, it’s time to separate.
I wish you had a kinder, more loving and supportive MIL.
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BrandyParticipantHi Grace,
I understand why you are hurt by this.
Your best friend’s travel plans changed from leaving on Aug. 17th to Aug. 2nd, and it’s probably safe to assume that she was swamped preparing for this earlier departure date and for that reason neglected to contact you to tell you her change in plans. Her boyfriend telling you “I thought you knew” is a good sign that not telling you was merely an oversight on her part.
I’m sorry she didn’t wish you a happy birthday. She’s probably been so caught up in leaving for college that it slipped her mind.
I can’t explain the sleepover with your other best friend and why this friend was blowing you off yesterday. What do you think is going on there?
If I were you I would let this go. Try to understand, with all the changes happening for your best friend, how she could have missed updating you on her new departure date and also wishing you a happy birthday. Leaving for college for the first time is an emotional and stressful time for many. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and just let it go.
Happy Birthday, Grace! 🙂
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BrandyParticipantHi Ry,
You are welcome. I think I understand the situation better now. It’s tough, I know. Fully committing to her would have required you to overlook too much, yet losing her and her son’s presence in your life leaves you heartbroken and lonely. Hang in there, Ry.
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BrandyParticipantHi Ry,
One of the ways to get past the painful emotions of a breakup is to have no contact whatsoever with the person you’ve broken up with. This is what your ex is doing in order to get over you. But you want to keep the lines of communication open as friends because you miss her and her son, you can handle this type of relationship with her, and also because you are all alone in a new town and need support. But she can’t handle this type of relationship with you. As painful as this situation is, I hope you consider stopping all contact with her in order to allow healing to take place. The time may come when she is open to a friendship with you but right now she’s not so you really have no choice.
I understand how devastating it is for you to lose contact with her son and I’m sure it is a terribly painful loss for him as well. I wish you both didn’t have to experience this particularly painful loss.
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BrandyParticipantHi Ry,
Congratulations on finishing grad school, an impressive accomplishment and one to be very proud of!
The loneliness that inevitably occurs after a break-up is difficult even for those surrounded by a large group of supportive friends and loving family members, but you are in a new and small town with no support system. If there was no lockdown and you were going to work each day, I presume you’d be interacting with co-workers, meeting new people, getting your mind off past relationships, and moving forward, but the pandemic has made that nearly impossible. During this challenging time we all need to take extra good care of ourselves. We need to reach out to others often like you are doing through your telehealth and in-person counseling sessions, but also with friends, family members, coworkers, or through online forums. The more people we can connect with each day, the better. But most important for me is the conversation I have with myself before I get out of bed each morning about how I see my day unfolding. For example, I’ll think… first I’ll exercise (i run and swim), then I’ll do my morning meditation (20 minutes), then I’ll knock off all those things I need to accomplish that day. Seems so simple, right? Well, not really because I know that I’ll also have distressing thoughts throughout the day (regrets, worries, etc.) that will interfere with my progress and leave me feeling bad. So I’ll remind myself that when those thoughts surface, I’ll be ready for them. I’ll take some slow deep breaths and let them pass. Sometimes I’ll need to physically walk outside, feel the sunshine on my face, see the beautiful blue sky, listen to the birds chirping, and I’ll make my way back, outside of my head and in a better place, ready to continue my day. Maybe this is something you could try too, Ry.
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BrandyParticipantHi KayCee,
Thank you for the well wishes! I’m doing very well and seeing the light at the end of the “lockdown tunnel”. Reads that you are doing okay too. I’m so glad. I think Tim’s decision to get your help with his poison ivy rash is a sure sign that the close relationship you two had before the tub incident is returning. You’ve been supportive and patient — well done, KayCee.
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BrandyParticipantHi JoJo,
You are welcome, and I agree that the manufacturer of the beige swim shorts is at fault. I’ve noticed myself that many of the products I purchase now are of much lower quality than they were many years ago, especially clothing. For example, trying to find a hooded sweatshirt that’s 100% cotton is challenging these days. Most are a polyester blend — it’s disappointing! Anyway, I’m glad your relationship with your neighbor continues to be a good one. Having a friendly, considerate neighbor really goes a long way.
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BrandyParticipantHi JoJo,
“Right Ms. Brandy?” Well, I can’t speak for Anita but I feel that she was simply making the case for why your statement “I invaded his personal privacy” isn’t quite accurate. You were simply minding your own business in your garden that day, and Anita’s statement that “his personal privacy invaded yours eyes and brain” is indeed the more accurate statement. The “take him to court” statement was Anita’s attempt to make a point that if there was any wrongdoing whatsoever in this scenario, it was not your wrongdoing, but I don’t believe for a second that she believes it’s a good idea to actually take him to court. This is clear from her earlier replies to you on this thread. You stated “I have to get past the guilty feeling” and Anita was trying to help you do this, to help you see the situation differently. This is my understanding.
To now answer your question, yes, telling him what you saw and taking him to court would indeed be the wrong move. You are doing the right thing, JoJo. 🙂
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BrandyParticipantHi Carol,
“He’s told me people don’t have these conversations until they’ve been together a few years.” A 34 year old woman who sees children in her future can’t wait a few years before having these conversations. He should know this. Everyone knows this.
“He feels he has commitment issues.” A lot of people, both men and women, have commitment issues. Sometimes that means that they’re afraid that after they commit to someone, the “right one” will come along. You don’t want a guy who wants you because “he doesn’t want to die alone”; you want a guy who wants you because you’re the right one! If he needs therapy to figure out that you’re the right one, let him get therapy, but don’t wait around.
One idea is to consider freezing eggs to take the pressure off you with regards to those precious children who are in your future.
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BrandyParticipantHi JoJo,
Yes, your feelings all make sense to me but I hope that any guilt you feel quickly dissolves into nothingness because you really shouldn’t feel guilty for having excellent eyesight :). But seriously, yes, I agree, it is unacceptable (and also absurdly funny) that a swimsuit should become sheer when wet.
Thank goodness for good neighbors and dark swim shorts!…lol.
B
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