Notice how A Feeling is so important to you, how you long for that feeling every day, consumed by it. Feelings are most important for everyone, it is how we experience life. But in your situation everyone feels badly. Everyone suffers. Don’t you see that you need to make it better for everyone by digging yourself out of this hole, by stopping the bleeding?

Yes, i do see that.  I feel like however how hard i try, i feel guilty and see the hurt i cause and give in to try to make it better.  I know it’s not right.

I see this image in my mind: the world is falling apart, bombs exploding, building crumbling, children screaming in pain and yet,  here walks this grandfather with a flower in his hands, peeling of petal after petal: “She loves me-She loves me not-She loves me-She loves me not”.

Look around you- children are being hurt and harmed, money is being depleted and homelessness is a possibility, let go of that flower you are holding in your hands, looking at.. she-loves-me-she-loves-me-not. There are more important things at stake, other things to focus on, real life practical problems to attend to Now.

I don’t think it’s as much as she loves me, loves me not but just the pain and never getting the real closure i needed.  Never understanding why i wasn’t good enough for her to try, why she was just done in what felt like over a weekend(even though i have realized that it was something that was probably coming that she didn’t allow me to see or me see myself (an example is towards the end i told her I felt like i was losing her and she told me she wasn’t going anywhere), she just kept it to herself instead of talking to me about it and that too makes me have questions.  Yes i do wonder at times if there is anything left there even tho she seems happier than ever with her life and boyfriend now.

I can’t help that thinking.  I really do try to focus on my situation and position that me, my girlfriend, and our kids are in and how to fix it.  I can’t get those other thoughts out of my head.  I battle so hard with myself almost everyday.  I actually was screaming at myself today in my truck on the way to a job.  It’s like a contaminant in my brain that i can’t get rid of no matter how much I try to forget about that and worry about other issues i have that are critical in my life right now.

Mark, when i do need someone to talk or vent to my sister does listen.  I don’t like talking to my friends anymore about it because as you can imagine everyone is burnt out on my depression and problems.

I do see what you are saying though.  either take a shit or get off the pot.  The problem is every time i try to, I give in to the pain i see on my girlfriend’s face.  I know the hurt she feels and me causing that cripples my decision making ability even though i know it’s just prolonging and causing more hurt and pain for everyone.  I do know I need to do something before it’s too late.

Valora, yes i have considered it (counseling).  The problem again is $$$$.  I can barely afford to keep food on the table anymore.  a good example is that last time i went grocery shopping I had to buy 2 cases of cups  of noodles.   Its freaking ridiculous.  With the money I make and having two incomes.  I should be thriving.  But her not being able to contribute…  and she hasn’t ever gotten ahead or really been able to help.   In fact she had to use her visa card to pay her phone last month.  That’s another issue tho.  back to your idea.  I think counseling would be good.  especially if we each had one on one time.  Then the counselor could help her see that we aren’t good together.

For her to move.  She would have to find at least a two bedroom apartment.  Those average around $900.  so first, last = $1800.  Deposit, usually $200-$600.  For me it’s even more cause i would need a house or if I got an apartment would have to rent one big ass shop/storage to store all of my stuff.

I do think you are right about finding the right person to get that feeling back.  Now, i just feel resentment, regret, guilt, pity, guilt, remorse, guilt.  did i say guilt?  I wish i would have never moved her in.  I really think that was the worse thing I ever did.(well i say that about a lot of things..)

Anyway, it’s been almost 2 years and I still think about my ex every day. I do not allow it to consume me, but it very easily could if I let it. I also miss him dearly, and my mind also wants to think he is THE ONE, likely because I haven’t found anyone else yet that I have a similar connection with that comes even close to what I felt with him. So I get what you’re feeling. I just remind myself often that there are lots of guys that I haven’t met yet and my mind doesn’t know my connection with those guys. You might want to try reminding yourself that there are millions of women that you haven’t met yet, too. Your mind doesn’t REALLY know, even though it thinks it does. And it’s okay to love your ex and to think she’s special to you, but just remain open to other possibilities. That’s the key.

Thanks for this.  It helps.  I do love my ex.  a lot.  I know she is happy.   I know if she wanted me back she would have taken measures to get me back.  It’s very hard to explain this feeling i still have.  This weird  connection I still feel with her.  Maybe i’m high, but maybe not.  The last time i was feeling this.  I mean really feeling it, I was wondering to myself if she’s out there thinking of me.  (This was when we weren’t talking before the last time we started talking again.) It wasn’t long after that that she reached out and contacted me, we started talking and very shortly after that is when she told me “she thinks of me often”.  I really do believe she does miss me in a way and misses what her and I had also.  Like she told me once “I was in a beautiful relationship with a man”.  she was referring to me.  It was beautiful.  I do know now that it was not all my fault why she left.  I do catch myself thinking that “why didn’t i do this or say that, maybe that would have changed things”  But really, she is the one that couldn’t really tell me how she is feeling.  She is the one that may or may not have cheated on me or started talking to someone before we broke up.  She is the one that didn’t like to communicate and kept me available at her convenience.  When is she would have made me feel like I was a priority once in a while.  Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so needy and clingy.  trying to control our time together so I could know i was going to see her.  Maybe that was a recipe for disaster in itself.  and now…  It’s the same, but i’m in different shoes.  The difference is i have told my girlfriend how i  feel, what i think.  I even told her one night that sometimes, she needs to keep her opinion and thoughts to herself, because she assumes things that aren’t true and makes up scenarios in her head.  Like yesterday.  I had to run to the store to get laundry and dish soap.  When I got in my truck i was texting her oldest daughter(she just had a baby and is having a difficult time, so i was telling her things will be okay) and then i looked up and my girlfriend was standing right there.  She thought i was texting someone else.  So i had to show her my phone to prove it.  I know I created that thinking in her and I am deeply sorry for that, but damn.

I do think the sooner i can get my girlfriend and her kids out of my life, the better and the easier i will be able to heal.  I think having her there for me is a burden and it just magnifies the good that i did have with my ex instead of letting that fade into the past.

dang, i just spent 20 minutes on here!  I have to go for now.  Keep in touch, thank you again.  anita, i’ll address what you wrote next time I’m on here.

Not good.  Thanks for asking.

Well, i’m trying not to complain and whine anymore.  I’ll just say this.

She can’t leave cause she has no money and her family won’t step up.  I can’t leave cause I have no money to move and if i did i wouldn’t be able to find a place big enough for me ( i have a lot of stuff.  full house, garage, shop and two sheds, let alone a RV, Full size truck, work truck and two more cars-I have a vw addiction. LOL).

I tried convincing her the other day that i can’t do this and she is still  in denial.

I have not moved into the RV yet.  I know I need to to make a point.

We have not had sex, she even asked me why.  I told her that I don’t want to lead her on.  She got upset and said, ” maybe I’ll find it somewhere else”   I told her “go ahead” .  yet she still doesn’t get it.  Then she brings up the kids and how much this will hurt them.  I tried telling her that stringing this along will only make things worse.

She is in total denial and when we do talk about  “being done”  it’s all about how she isn’t lovable and poor her type of talk.

It really tugs at my heartstrings and makes me want to try again one more time…

I’m not trying to be  a jerk, not trying to lead her on.  I feel so awful about all of this.  I feel stuck.  If i could afford it, I would leave. If i didn’t have my girls, I would move out and live in my RV at my friends house.  But that is no way to live with my girls.

I honestly think the only way for her to finally understand that i am done is to tell her straight out that I’m still in love with my ex.  Even though I know she is happy with another man whom she may have met before she left me.  It doesn’t change how I feel and if anything, this situation i’m in now pushes my feelings harder towards her(my ex).  That I feel miserable and this situation makes me miss what I had with her even more.

But, when we do talk and i say anything about needing to be alone or needing to focus on myself.  She just says, “I will wait, because someday you will realize what you have right here and then we will be happy”

It’s really freakin amazing how the universe works.  All this time that we talk and are together, it only makes me realize how much like her I was with my ex.  How pushy and needy I was and how that did push her away just like she (my current) is doing with me.  I’ve tried telling her that when she talks about a future together, i kind of freak out.  That that isn’t what I think about.

The money problem doesn’t help one bit either.  She is seriously super broke.  If it weren’t for me she would be homeless, and it’s causing me to go super broke as well.  An example is that she had to use her visa card to pay her cell phone bill this month.

I only have about $20 to my name until Friday, then after that i will only have about $200 to last me two weeks for gas and helping with food.  And my girls birthdays are coming up along with hers.

I’m not looking for pity or to feel sorry for.  I want to make that clear.

I’m just miserable and feel alone and selfish.  And again, feeling these things really paints a clear picture to what happened with me and my ex, which makes this situation even harder.  The difference is her(my ex) living in another town, it was easier for her just to end things instead of trying to work on them.  Even if she would have tried, i wouldn’t have changed because I never saw how I was and how it affected her until now.

finally, yes i still miss my ex more than i can express.  I still think about her every day, sometimes for more than half the day.  I cried again this weekend when i was at home depot.  It brought back a memory of when we were in our last month together, just after we got back together after our “break” .  I was down there and helped her replace her water heater.  I remembered everything from that weekend like it was yesterday.

I’ve found myself looking at other women.  not to meet or anything.  Just body types and how they dress or look.  Things that remind me of my ex.

Through all of this it has become painfully clear to me that I am severely screwed up and need help.  That i am in a position i can’t seem to get out of physically and mentally.

I know what i need to do.  I do need to move my shit into the RV and tell her that I am done, that i am not in place to be in a relationship with her or anyone for that matter.  That i need to just be able to focus on my and my girls.  That she can stay there until she can find  a place to go and I will help out however I can with her kids, but we are roommates and that is it.

Whenever i try to do this, i feel guilty and horrible and cave in tho.  I don’t know how to not give in when i see that hurt in her.  it makes me think ” i can do this”  but i can’t.  I know dragging things out makes it worse, but i keep thinking it will get better even tho I know it wont.

sometimes i really do think the only way to get it into her head is to tell her straight out that I’m still in love with my ex and that I don’t know if i ever will be able to love anyone else, that maybe i am destined to have loved once and be alone and that i don’t ever see me being able to give her(my current) what she needs from me.

i’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to go on and on.  i’ve been avoiding this forum like asked by anita until i can get this taken care of.

It’s possible your ex may just be happier with herself now so that might also be why she seems more open with the guy she’s dating, too.

I never thought about that.  When we were together she was dealing with a lot of drama from day one in her life between her ex-husband, work, finances, and children.  Now, she had a different job that she loves, sold her home and is living at her boyfriends, both her kids are grown and gone, and since her kids are gone she is not dealing with her ex-husband anymore.  Also she lost all that weight that was giving her health issues.  So she can be happy with her life and focus on her lover now.  Before there was always something standing in the way.  I think that’s one of my bigger regrets, is not giving her the space she really needed when she did, instead i kept pushing and got super insecure and needy.  I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

thanks.  Well my bad judgement got the better of me.  I looked up my ex and her boyfriend on FB.  Just curiosity to see what is happening.  I know that’s the last thing i should have done, but I couldn’t stop myself.  Maybe its a good and bad thing i did.

He did a post about being a hard working man and that sometimes the only quality time they had when he would be sleeping and resting.

she commented “I got this” with a heart emoji.  He replied “thank you honey”, she replied “I love you”, He replied “I love you too”.

DAMN!  That was hard to read.  Really kind of put me in my place.  To see her post that publicly. She never said that to me over social media.  Even when i said it to her.

Kind of like a huge sticker shock.  Really makes me wonder what kinds of posts she does on her page (it’s private) about her and him.  She hardly ever posted things about us.

I feel so stupid.  So blind.  So used.  The worst part is that in some messed up part of my brain, i think she is just saying that to make him feel good.  Like she did for me at times.  How retarded is that.

Although seeing that hurts tremendously, i really hope it helps me put an end to this endless hope or feeling that she still has some feeling for me.  That someday, somehow she will come back.

In the end I really need to figure out to put an end to the situation I’m currently in and get better on my own.  Then maybe i can meet the someone that fits me and really gives me what i need.  It’s so easy to say this and so hard to actually do it though.  Especially when through everything, my heart feels like it still belongs to her.  I feel like such a pathetic man.

I guess tomorrow is another day and i will do my best to push on.

Well, yet another day of struggling.  I  hate that I get this way.  I hate that I miss her so much.  I really do miss her.  This pain sucks.  Through all of everything that happened, days like today.  I feel like if she were to call or text me and ask to start over, it would be like the world would be at my feet.  damn this hurts today.  trying to focus on other things to get my mind off of it.  It’s really hard on days like this.  Friday, work is slow, nice weather.  Brings be back to when i would be counting the minutes till we got to see each other or go do something together.

well, haven’t done it yet 🙁

Of coarse more drama with her and her family or life.  I’ve been waiting for the right moment and there isn’t one like you’ve said.  Always something.  Always some reason that everything is shitty.

I think last night was really the final straw for me.  I came home from work, picked up all the kids like I always do.  Then I did some chores outside.  Then chilled for about an hour or so watching tv and all the kids did too.  When she got home she was irritated that the dishes weren’t done (we made it a chore for my 12 yr old daughter) and it felt like she was pissed and bitchy.  So I helped her and then my buddy showed up to move some car stuff over to his house.  “how long is it going to take” she asks.  I didn’t know?  an hour? 3 hours?  depends on how everything goes.  So she seemed irritated about that.

Well we got done.  I stayed at his house for one beer, then told her i was on my way home and was nice enough to stop and get her smokes since she  is broke again.

When I got home she asked me “who was all there?” in a shitty voice.  I told her that it was just my friend, his wife and kids.  Then I told her that my friend and his wife invited us to dinner.  For us though it was tool late and we don’t have the money.  She asked ” how can they afford to go out”,  “they just bought a house and are getting a tractor and…”

Seriously!  What is it her business?  I told her when your household makes over $150000 a year, things like that are possible and that for us, we don’t make that so….

She was bent last night.  She gets so focused on everyone else’s crap instead of worrying about her own life.  And I feel like i have to explain myself for anything I do or don’t do anymore.

the thing that really sucks is before her.  When my friend would ask me out, i would go.  if i had my kids or not.  it wasn’t an issue.  With her, there is always something.

So last night sitting there bickering with her.  I realized I’m done.  I’m really done.  She works on saturday, so I think that is a optimal time to make it happen.  I’m going to move all my shit into the RV that I need for clothes and stuff.  I’m going to move my bathroom shit in there too.  Then when she gets home i’m going to tell her that we need to talk and that we just don’t work.  That we have too many differences and that I’m unhappy, my kids are unhappy, she is unhappy even if she won’t admit it.  That we are all suffering.

She keeps referring to other couples that have blended families that they are “so in love” and would do anything for each other.

I need to tell her that we tried and tried and tried, but we can’t “Make it work” that if it was meant to be then things would fall into place and not be like this.  that I can’t give her what she needs and she can’t give me what I need.

I will tell her that I am going to reside in the RV for sleep, I will stay in the living room to watch TV and she can have our room and bathroom.  That I will take care of my own laundry and my kids shit, and she can hers(that’s one of her bitches..  “I’m always doing laundry and folding clothes”-I tell her everyday to make the kids fold and put away their own laundry and she won’t).  The last thing is that I will cover all household bills(well i do already) and she will just share her food(she gets 500 dollars in food stamps) with us.  Or if anything we can do separate  food and have her give me $200 of her $500 or something.  That might even work better cause that’s another issue with the kids is food.  and when to eat and if they can have snacks and what to buy.

So many problems with us.  I don’t know how she doesn’t see this.  It feels like we are both on eggshells everyday.

I was really thinking a lot about everything.  I think if neither of us had children, then we would be great together.  But the fact that we both raise our kids so differently with certain things.  It’s hard for both of us to conform to the other.

a couple good examples is her kids for instance.  They constantly yell and argue with anything, then it’s throwing tantrums and fits.  Her son is especially bad.  He yelled at my 8 yr old the other day in the car because he couldn’t get his seatbelt buckled and she told him and tried to show him what the problem is.  My point is that with my girls, if they started to have any kind of attitude, I would have them go to their room until they were over it, then they could talk to me.  No yelling or arguing with me and throwing things and slamming doors like her kids.

Also with her and her kids.  She has always been the type that they eat dinner by 5:30-6:00 and the kids are in bed by 7 or 8.

only fair that I show the bad of my kids too.  so…

With me and my girls.  I let them get away with a little more than i should.  Sometimes stay up late, sometimes not do chores, whatever.  But in my defense.  When I do ask them to do something, they do it.  They don’t give me problems.  My girls actually respect me.  Before my girlfriend moved in, they cleaned their rooms every night, helped out, ect..  I think that she bitches so much it causes them to rebel and not want to help.

With me and my girls, i’ve always been the type “we will eat whenever I cook”  sometimes its 6:30, sometimes its 8:30.  I never had a “set in stone” bed time.  I did try to get them to bed by 9:00.  Sometimes we would have late nights, especially at the beginning of summer when it’s light outside until 9:30-10:00.  But again, my girls always listened and did what i said.

I like to spoil my girls too.  Not “princesses” but if the need stuff, i get it.  If they need money to go to the movies with a friend, i give it.  I was raised up as the “poor kid” who couldn’t ever do anything.  IT SUCKED!  I really think between that and not having a strong male figure in my childhood is what caused me to be insecure about myself and not be a strong, confident alpha male type of guy.  Instead i’m the “nice guy” that always lays down for everyone.  I DON”T want my girls to be like that, i want them to be strong and assertive and confident.  NOT bitches, just confident in themselves.

WOW,  i really kind of exploded here.

I have to go.  I really am going to try to do this this weekend.  Please give me strength to do what I need to for me , my girls, and my girlfriend and her kids.  This relationship is not healthy for any of us.  Thanks