Hi Anita,

yes of course. I think I misunderstood an earlier post where I thought you said you and her already discussed this. But of course.

I am walking home now. I am thinking about how you said I don’t have to celebrate with anyone. That is heartwarming to me. And something I needed to hear. Something a mother says to her child. When the child comes home and says, mom it’s my bday but I have no one to celebrate with. The mother responds me and you can celebrate together. My mother, parrot, would do the exact opposite. Start crying and say how horrible it is for me that I have no friends.

so thank you for that. For stating that. My brainwashed being directly goes to “oh this good thing happened to me, but I have no one to celebrate with.” I don’t NEED to celebrate it with anyone. It’s my own thing. It’s my thing with you. Just because I don’t share it, doesn’t make it less real.

anita,

I am sorry that you had no one supportive or excited about it – I’m very grateful that you are here helping others.

“I would say- forget about celebrating your NC decision with anyone. Except for here and in therapy, if your therapist is indeed comfortable and excited for you. NC is still a revolutionary decision in society.”

I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. It is a celebration of my own.

With regards to friends, I see what you mean. People do not like feeling uncomfortable. So it is not that they “hate” me, but they are doing what is comforting to them. Which I guess to me, tends to be a foreign concept.

With regards to what you asked, I think that is great, but not my focus of writing for now. So perhaps we can postpone it?

WOW. I read the compilations of my posts. I want to hug that person, with so much angst. It was quite interesting to read my own writing years later. The word lonely came up so much. Alone. – And interesting, how I brought it up today as well…. hmm

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by cali sister.

anita,

I will read what you have pasted momentarily. These are my current thoughts this morning:

I spent the weekend celebrating my sister. It was an enjoyable weekend of course, but I did not get to really process my big decision. I did not really get the chance to celebrate what I have done. So I wake up today with this energy to celebrate ME and what I have done. But I realize that no one really understands what I’m going through so it is hard to find people to have that celebration with. How should I celebrate? Instead of waiting for my friends to reach out to me and stay angry with them (mentally), I decided to send a text to the group chat with BJP and ask what day everyone is free for a celebration this week. The responses were fine, but not exhilarated or excited like I want them to be. Not like your responses. Not like my therapists responses. And it’s because you and my therapist understand it. No one understands it. My sister does, but I cant talk to her about it. So I feel as though I am in this place, forcing people to come celebrate with me. They do not understand the SIZE of this decision. HOW LARGE IT IS. You know, people say you choose your family. And they say to surround yourself with good supportive friends. I have made new friends – but this morning I felt so alone – because people have not reacted the way I would expect. So then it is like…what do I do.. continue to make new friends..continue trying to find this family? It is exhausting. And I hate that after such a big decision that I have made for myself, I am already presented with this new anxiety and worry. I wish not to be worried by this and focus on my major accomplishment. M was very supportive when this all happened, but I already see that it may have been it. In other words, she was supportive when she saw me bawling etc, and I think that was the limit of it. I guess people do not understand the after effects of this all.

This being said, it is very likely that my sister and her husband may be moving in a couple months. We live 11 min away from each other right now – FINALLY. after years, and now they will leave. My only family and really support will move away as well. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel happy and excited about this decision…but do I really have anyone to celebrate it with? And it breaks my heart that my sister may move across the country.

You know how hard it is that my sister continuously sends happy texts to me? I am SO HAPPY that she had a good birthday and is feeling better. But…I have just gone through something MAJOR. It is becoming difficult for me to continuously text her happy things back when I do not really feel it. I am  going through a plethora of emotions. I understand it is triggering for her to talk about it etc, however, I do wish she would be more understanding that this literally happened to me like 4 days ago..so I am not just fine and all happy go lucky. She is ignoring it so that she can keep her peace, so I have decided to not reply to her too much..because it is causing me angst.

My entire life everything has always been about her. celebrating her. Oh, anita, I owe it finally to myself to celebrate me. I protect her, I stand up for her, I kept the family together, I was the scapegoat. Her medical graduation was so celebrated. Mine was – my father told me I was a curse to be born. HOLY FREAKIN &%^%! IT IS MY TURN NOW. Don’t you think?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by cali sister.

Also – I would love to see what you have compiled whenever you get the chance

I see what you are saying. So then – I guess my question is more so – something else.

So when this happens my immediate thought is – hostility, hatred. To go to the extreme of “they aren’t good friends. They don’t even care about me.” It becomes very negative for me. So how do I keep this in perspective. As in what’s the reality of the situation.

Im headed to my sisters place at the moment. In the cab. Her husbands parents are surprising her today and we will go to a broadway show. It should be fun. It will be nice to be around parents who are …. normal. !

Yes I understand completely now. Makes sense. And I will continue to remind myself.

I’m in a cab on my way to my sisters! I’m rather excited. And proud for stepping outside! I had to much anxiety to walk the pup around the block so I got a dog walker to walk him. Technology makes things so easy nowadays.

I feel excited. And happy. The weather is just beautiful today. When I stepped out – I felt scared at first. Then saw all the people. And I smiled. It was freeing.

Good morning Anita!

I hope you had some good red wine. It is getting chillier here which makes me happy – makes me feel romantic! (One day .. I’ll meet a man. I hope!!)

I had interesting dreams which is expected. But none of the chest pounding in pain types. Which is a good feeling.

Im glad I did not go see my sister last night. I ended up watching a movie that made me laugh a lot. And I cuddled with my pup. We are supposed to celebrate her birthday all weekend. I’m not sure what she wants to do. deep breaths going into the weekend. She tends to blame agony on me, even if I’m literally sitting in silence. So let’s see. She has not done that in a while. So I’m hoping it won’t happen now.

Next. Let’s discuss my world. I’ll copy and paste some journal entries I have written. I think it’ll be interesting for both of us. So I wrote this on sept 1. Sept 3 I came back home and my therapist and I decided no contact will have to be my next step. And oct 3. I did it. So here is what I wrote on Sept 1 when I went to my parents home-

“This is the place of my depression. A place so beautiful. But so horrid. Filled with dark memories. A feeling of sadness and anger and confusion. A place with so much potential. But only decay and death. 

This place: no motivation. Doom. Constant fatigue. Thirst. The urge to escape. Wanting time to pass. Wanting it to go, wanting it to end. Restless leg syndrome. A feeling of falseness. A fake life. A life of checklists. So many things. For no reason. So many different types of foods. So much decor. So many enjoyable activities. All for what. Literally nothing. It’s a delusion. I close my eyes. And I hear the same birds as I did when I was young. Feel the same air. The same sounds. I see and feel the young me. I see the memories. Of school. Of life. I truly feel all of it. But now things are so different. It is all different. It is all transformed. And this is the new reality of it all. This is the present. 

It’s like an evil joke. It’s a delusional world. They plant things in you – so you have trouble doing the thing they fear most. It’s rather confusing to have this relationship with them. It’s toxic. Half in half not.

It makes sense I had no ability to explore happiness or interests. To do enjoyable things. Hobbies. Thoughts. None of my own is (or was rather) allowed. 

It is stagnant here. Nothing changes. It’s the same for years and years. That’s why when I come back- it is so clear to see how I was when I lived here. Not them. Not the people around them. Not my cousin. It’s crazy how it’s like an alternate universe. That stays the same while you’re not here. And when you come back, you can almost see yourself also return. I think I have frustration that when I return to New York, I put on another face that doesn’t have to do with this universe. It’s not fake but it is … in a way. I don’t like how I have to act like this part isn’t part of my life. I want it to all come together. Not to be two separate entities. Or is it ok that it’s separated. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sick of going back and then acting like this whole experience here never happened. I don’t purposely hide it. I’m not faking it. It’s just how I survive. Experience this horrible thing. Then go back to work and smile and I’m all bubbly again. It’s exhausting. Again, it’s weird bc I’m not faking it. I imagine it right now. I’ll be wearing nice clothes. Perhaps heels. It’ll be Tuesday. And I’ll be composed. I’ll be fine. I’ll be smiley. I’ll do all my work. But inside I will be burning. Anxious. But my outside is so deceiving. No more of this. It is exhausting. Living two lives. 

I guess it is my human nature that I feel sorry for them? How it is sad that humans live this way when there is so much beautiful in the world. I know I can’t change it. I don’t intend to either. But it is a very sad thing. To watch my mother. Be the way that she is. And my father. Be the way that he is.”

And now here I am. Oct 5.

Dear anita,

How was your walk?

Thank you again for all of your apologies. It honestly means the world. May I ask – that you perhaps make my sister aware that she also did this – OF COURSE you can say no. I just maybe think I would like her to know. Perhaps she already does and you have discussed it? But I think it could be helpful for her too, to know. That she did that. She tends to go back to it. My therapist warns me about this – but it would be healthier if she could see it and really know it. So she can see me differently too. I will not interfere at all – was just thinking your thoughts on that? If you think it’s a bad idea, I TOTALLY understand.

Right now – I took a shower and did some fun body scrub that I had bought. My pup is sleeping on the bed text to me. I lit some lights that I have for decor. I am kind of in awe as to all that has happened in the past 24 hours. And I truly feel sorry for any harm I am causing my parents.

Thanks anita for apologizing. I wish sometimes my sister could see it. I think she has though, as of recent.