Hi Treveor,

As a guy with similiar experiences, I can understand your frustrations and incugirl42’s advice is spot on. There is a difference between sharing your emotions (e.g. your passion about something) and unloading your emotions (e.g. telling them how much you hate your job) on someone. There is beauty in emotional vulnerability (and only confident people are able to do this without fear of judgement) and less so for people looking for help to fix their life.

Though it is true that women like confident men, I don’t think it’s got much to do with how much money, power, status etc they have in life. Sure it helps but confidence comes from within and how consistently your behaviour are with your true self. If you have to pretend to be someone else to get another person to like you, it’s an indication that you are not comfortable with certain aspects of yourself. Truly confident people are able to do embarrassing things and still coming out of the other end looking like a champion because they are comfortable with who they are. While people who talk about how much they have never come across as confident to me because their power is based on external things, which can be taken away from them in the blink of an eye. Besides, a rich man don’t have to tell others he is rich.

If you enter a relationship by pretending, you are going to end up in a bad situation because a) you attract the wrong people in your life b) by pretending to be someone else, you are saying to yourself that you are not lovable and c) you are never going to love someone who can’t see your true self. If you are looking for a true emotional connection with someone, you should never start off with a deception.

On a final note, going for partners that you are not attracted to is like going to a resturant with bad food but generous portions. Sure there are lots of it but if it is not to your liking, you are just punishing yourself in the process. Another thing to consider is that you can still fail at going for someone you don’t want and if you are going to invest the time and effort anyway, why not go for your heart’s desire?

Hi Ses156,

As people, I think we all crave things like love, acceptance, trust, recognition and any other good vibes we get from interacting with others. Some people are able to spread this across different areas of their lives (e.g. career, friendship, family, recreational activities etc.) while others tend to focus on fulfilling all these desires in one specific area, which is often the area that we are most comfortable with in relating with other people.

To give you an example, I was very career orientated up until the end of 2013 and I was willing to sacrifice my time with friends, family, relationship, health etc to get ahead. I also found that I can easily relate to people I work with as I have done the training, learned the script and produced results that made everyone happy. Though I did advance quickly, I was struggling to relate with others outside of work (because that’s all I did) and slept about 2-3 hours a night because everything at work became a big thing. I mean, how can it not be when the totality of my self worth and happiness were dependant on it? To break this cycle, I had to quit my job and go overseas for a few months to discover who I am when I no longer possess my character defining strength. Since I’ve returned, I’ve been working hard towards creating a balanced lifestyle and I feel a lot more confident about things (including work) than I used to.

It sounds like you’ve already recognised that the harder you push in this area the less you get out of it but to love yourself, you need to know who you are outside of being someone’s girlfriend. So instead of jumping straight into “do” mode, take some time out to consider what you want out of life and how you can achieve these things without being in a romantic relationship. Recognise that it will take time to change: there will be times where you want to say yes to a relationship but if you are still in the process of building your internal landscape, be strong enough to say no. I’ve done it a couple of times now and be in contro rather than be controlled by external factors.

Good luck!

Hey there Lily,

What you are feeling is quite natural during phases of transition and you should give yourself major kudos for your courage to take on these challenges. Having gone through a lot of changes myself this year, I can honestly say that it’s worth the risk of letting go of certain things and venture into the unknown if it is consistent to your values in life. Sure there will be heart breaks and disappointments on the way but because you are living in a manner you choose rather than a manner that’s been imposed on you, you will find ways to over come these challenges. Along this path, you will also encounter like minded spirits and it is always better to meet someone that is on the same path rather then straying from your path to meet them because no relationship should come at the. Oat of fulfilling your life’s purpose.

A book that I recommend for someone in the transition phase is “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho. It helped me a lot when I was in a situation like yours.

Hi Emilovee,

I am sorry to hear about your situation but it’s great that you are providing so much support for your boyfriend. As someone who works regularly with people suffering from depression, I can honestly say that love and acceptance are generally what motivates patients to commence the path of treatment. Depression is a mood disorder that is more severe than generals feeling of anxiety we go through when we experienced a rough patch. For most people with depression, life IS a rough patch and the reason they feel this way can be psychological (e.g. through irrational believes and low self worth), biological (e.g. hormone imbalance) or both. To get a better idea of the cause and severity of your boyfriend’s depression, you may want to encourage him to see a professional psychologist for an assessment.

Another reason I recommend professional help in this area is that it will give him with an opportunity to discuss his feelings without having to worry how this will impact on his personal relationships. People suffering from depression generally have a lot of anxieties and there are things that he may not feel comfortable to discuss with you or his family in fear of being seen differently. Conversely, being the recipient of these emotions can negatively impact on your mood and contaminate the relationship you have with him. This is why even with training, we tend not to work with people we already know as it becomes very difficult to separate the professional and pesonal boundaries.

In regards to medication, it is something that should be considered on an indvidual basis. If it is recommended by a psychiatrist, I would suggest asking him/her why it is neccessary, the potential side effects and whether the dosage can be reduced gradually to prevent issues of dependency. Though professional opinions should always considered, the decision should be made by the recipient.

Hope that helps and good luck Emilovee.

Hi Holly,

Relationship break ups are tough and it’s natural to want to know why things didn’t work out and how a person can be in love with you one day and give you the cold shoulder on the next. Sometimes, it seems so unfair that one person can make a decision that can cause you so much pain without a proper explaination. Having been on both sides of a break up, I found that it is not always easy to articulate exactly what the issue is and if something feels wrong, there is no way to use logic to argue my way back in again.

To answer your first question, with most break ups where I was the initiater, it’s not something that I woke up one day thinking “aha, today is the day”. There usually is a build up and a lot of thinking before you break the news to the person because it’s a hard thing to do and you want to be sure that’s the right decision. So in that sense, your ex had a much further head start then you in the grieving process, which is probably why he moved on so quickly.

For your second question, it seems unlikely that your ex will feel differently in the future because of how messey the break up is. Having dealt with a couple of real stalkers, I can tell you that none of them considers themselves as such and it almost never starts with a big crazy thing. It usually starts with them initiating contact with the other person repeatedly (and as the reciever, you do feel harassed after a while), get hurt and frustrated each time they are ignored, use this hurt to justify their more outlandish behaviours and eventually, they would have given away so much of their dignity that there is nothing left but an all consuming obessession for the other person. The more this plays out, the less desirable they become.

So my advice, don’t put the key of your happiness in someone else’s pocket.

Hi Calavene,

I might be wrong but it sounds like you are asking the “should I stay or should I go” question. In the ideal world, she will breaks up with her boyfriend and fall in love with you because that way, you won’t end up as the bad guy. Failing that, you want to cut her off so you will stop thinking about it because hope is indeed the most exquisite torture. But if you do this, you will be inflicting pain on someone you love and because you don’t want to tell her how you feel, she will never understand why you are friends one day and get the cold shoulder the next.

So your options seems to be between hurting someone you don’t know (the boyfriend, and this will only happen if she leaves him for you) or hurting someone you love (which is a certainty if you cut her off). If the relationship between the two of you is as close as you described and that you going to see her regularly due to army training, it’s better to let her know how you feel and let her decide. Afterall, you can only be responsible for your part and it’s for her to decide who to have a relationship with. If she returns your feelings, you don’t have to get together immediately to give her time to break it off with her boyfriend. If she doesn’t, well at least you will both have closure.

Good luck man.

Hi Steve,

I can understand your frustration because every man have been rejected by a woman at some stage in our lives. The truth is, dating is different for men and women in that women are likely to get more attention (especially on the Internet) but they have their own set of challenges to deal with as well. For instance, when was the last time you went on a date and felt physically threatened because you don’t want to sleep with the other person? Or the last time someone lied to you purely to get you in bed and make you feel used the next day? Or becoming pregnant because of a one night stand? Sure rejections sting but they are nothing compare to problems women face when they are romantically involved with someone.

I also agree with Anne, in that instead of looking for a relationship, just meet people and let things develop organically. Dating is supposed to be fun and it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and yourself if you are always looking for an outcome.