John,

You can’t get ahead of yourself brother! The self-discipline and self-exploration is going to help you immensely in developing a new relationship, and it also will greatly increase your happiness in daily living, but there is one thing it won’t do: prepare you for the actual process of the relationship! The worries and doubts are your brains way of trying to protect you and get you back in the driver’s seat. The funny part is, no one is in the driver’s seat in a relationship! The only way to learn and grow in relationships is to be in a relationship.

You are going to find all kinds of traits and things that bug you, and they may even be legitimate, but as you said you are prone to do, we tend to blow them out of proportion to what really matters. If she is fun to be around and you two have chemistry, then stop your brain right there. Relationships are supposed to have a little conflict and differing views, it will help you grow more in the end. The meditation and exercises you use to better your mind can be used to re-direct your focus in the relationship. At the exact moment you find yourself dwelling in “worry” land on traits you are worried about that she may possess, nip that thought in the bud and redirect it. Those thoughts aren’t going to help you to develop your relationship at all, and really don’t serve much purpose. Acknowledge that you had that thought, and move past it.

Not to mention plenty of traits that you find adorable and amazing in your partner initially are some of the traits that come to drive you crazy later on! Its all part of the journey, so don’t worry yourself over the small details, just be a human being with her and exist. Learn from each other and let go, let the chemistry do the rest. I have a few exercises to help retrain your focus if you need on my blog, feel free to check them out!

-Dave
http://personal-growth-project.com/

You know your post made me think of one of my favorite quotes by Alan Watts: “The only way to make sense of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance”.

The world is your oyster, as long as you keep pushing yourself out that door you will start finding the energy you want! Matt really hit it home on this one, so I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but your whole life is in front of you, start living it! And for the love of goodness do not fear rejection. Every successful person has suffered rejection after rejection after rejection to get where they are today. The key to life isn’t being skillful, its being persistent. Just keep moving forward and you will find your way my friend!

-Dave
personalgrowthproject.com

LCT, Anxiety is a strange creature, I say that because I have battled with bad anxiety over the last few years, and I finally got mine under control. Although I don’t have OCD, I have more generalized anxiety. The most effective way that I have found to get out of anxiety’s grasp is to retrain your focus. Anxiety really is a downward spiral, it works like this.
1. Something small goes wrong
2. We focus on what that thing going wrong means
3. We find any and all bad things and imagine the worst case endgame in the situation.
4. We start panicking because we convince ourselves that the worst case scenario WILL happen.
5. The worst cast scenario does happen because of how much we have convinced ourself it will.
6. The cycle repeats.

Conquering anxiety for me was about 2 steps.

1. BREAK the cycle. When you notice yourself transitioning from step 2 to step 3, you have to redirect your thoughts onto something realistic and productive. If you let the cycle go past this point it is insanely hard to reverse because it has build up momentum. Break the cycle by using your body. If you find yourself panicking, change your physical or mental state, because your body can instantly change your mind. If i am feeling anxious, I go workout, or I put on music that moves me. It doesnt matter what you do but you need to change your STATE before it gets out of control.

2. Actively work on retraining your brain and your focusing patterns. I advise using meditation to build the framework for this discipline, then going on the mental diet. Finishing the mental diet was a turning point for my anxiety, but it is a difficult task to commit to, that’s why i recommend starting with meditation.

If you want to read more about the mental diet and my personal favorite meditation techniques, check out my blog, I even posted my personal daily journal of my experience on the mental diet. this is the link for my site. http://personal-growth-project.com/

You need to realize that everything is a state of mind: happiness, sadness, depression, and yes EVEN anxiety is just a state of mind. That means you can change it. It takes a lot of work, but I am a living example that anxiety can be beaten if you keep working at it, and have a sensible approach. I have a ton more information about anxiety, but i’m working on putting together an E-book to help others because I know how debilitating anxiety can be. Until then I hope the resources here and on my site help you find your feet again. Feel free to email me on my site or send me here if I can help you in any other way. You can beat it, I promise, just keep your head up and put one foot in front of the other.

Dave
Personal Growth Project

Khani,

It sounds like you definitely have a genuinely powerful connection with this person, and that is something to cherish, but be very careful where you tread. I know you already mentioned you are faithful and that you have a different love for your husband, but you are on a razor’s edge in this situation. Some people come along in our life and they seem like a miracle, and we connect with them on every level. When these charismatic people come into our lives, its easy to forget that a lot of the magic that is occurring between the two of you is overemphasized because of the excitement. I’m not saying your connection isn’t everything you say it is, but Victoria really made a stellar point that you and your husband have made it this far for a reason, through it all. Relationships aren’t easy and 20 years is a point of pride. Maybe your dreams involve this person because you are seeking something to fill the void that is left from your relationship with you and your husband. It would make sense that this person provides the things you dont get from your marriage, and that could be why its sinking into your subconscious. I would like to offer a different perspective though, some of the things that you aren’t getting out of your husband might be able to be found. I understand that there are some fundamental differences, as you mentioned with beliefs and other things, but don’t count out your relationship with him just because there are ways you are unfulfilled. If you get creative enough, and involve him the process, you might be amazed at the needs your husband might be able to meet for you. So often in long relationships we think, “well this is it, this is all I’m going to get out of it, and I guess I will have to settle with it.” When in reality even in the longest relationships there is room for personal growth and new levels of understanding with your partner. I obviously don’t know much about your situation, but from what you said, I just thought that it was a perspective worth considering. You have been together with him this long, obviously you guys connect on some level, maybe its time to think outside the box and find some new connections to make with your husband before spending too much time in dream land and questioning your decisions in life. Either way I hope it works out well for you. =)

Dave

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by David Goettsch.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by tinybuddha.

Crissy, you have every right to feel the way you do, considering your history. Anyone who tells you to get over is being insensitive at best. It was a long process that created some of the issues, and it is going to be a long way back from there, but there is an abundance of happiness waiting for you along every step of that journey. I wish i could provide a cure all statement or piece of advice, but for some of those deeper seated issues, it sounds like you are a great candidate for counseling. We can only get so far by ourselves, and good counselor can help you navigate your own thoughts and help you solve some of those inner issues.

What you need to do is to break out of your state of mind you are in. Understand something, the way we feel is just a “state”. Happiness is a mindset, so is depression. If you have no control over your thought flow and your feelings about yourself, you are going to continue a downward spiral and live inside of that depressed world. You have to take control of your thoughts again. There are a number of ways to go about this, but meditation is the most effective way. If meditation isn’t for you, I recommend using other methods to get yourself shook out of the state of mind you have yourself in. The bottom line is you need to break free from the negative cycle you are in. The best way I have found to change my mental state and by using my body. When I am depressed or anxious, I go get a hard workout in and somehow it breaks the cycle. As soon as you notice the cycle starting, you need to shake out of it. Emotions can also be a very powerful tool to change your state. This is going to sound strange, but people do it unknowingly all of the time. The next time you start feeling depressed, channel your depressive energy into anger, or another powerful emotion. I’m not saying anger is healthier, but I guarantee you will be able to change your feelings from depressed to angry if you focus hard enough. This will mentally show you that you control your mental state. Emotions can be extremely useful when you need to break a certain mental state, so experiment with that as well. The take home message here is that no matter how you feel, remember that ultimately, it is a choice. What you focus on is what you will feel, so if you don’t like it, don’t let yourself focus on those negative things. Use meditation, exercise, and other emotions to prevent yourself from dwelling in negative thoughts. Sorry this isn’t very organized, I just wanted to share what has worked for me when I get myself in a rut like you are in. Experiment with some of these ideas, you will be amazed at how pliable the mind is. If you need some help learning a few simple meditations, check out my blog I write about all kinds of topics related to what I just mentioned. Things will get better, i promise you, but you need to start putting in the effort to better yourself, wanting to feel better isn’t enough, personal development is an active thing!

Dave
http://personal-growth-project.com

Nico your story really does tug at the heart-strings! You found your way into a dark place, but in the darkness is when light shines the brightest. You said it yourself that the people around you won’t and can’t provide the support you need in your life right now, so you need to quit looking for it there. You need to get involved in areas where supportive, like-minded people are. As Matt said, this community is very supportive, but you will need more than that to pull yourself back out. Get involved in some hobbies instead of worrying so much about school and work right now. Those things are important, but until you stabilize your mind and your personal life, school and work will never be stable. Get involved and find people that you like to spend time with and that will be supportive of your feelings and goals. Its really not very difficult to meet people if you have common interests, so go wherever your heart leads you. When you start to build even a few people who you can come to and be yourself, and that support you, then you will be able to start rebuilding yourself. Until then just bide your time, and I would spend as little time as possible interacting with the toxic people in your life and staying out and about away from home. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, things will get better, it’s always darkest before the dawn!

-Dave
http://personal-growth-project.com