Dear Michelle

At the start I would choose quite an active meditation like a body scan. there are many on youtube  this brings me back in touch with my body and gives my mind something to focus on other than the normal dross that seems to bounce around it. I also like to watch talks by the residents at Sravasti Abbey they give me something to ponder on throughout the day. The third pillar of a buddhist way is ethical conduct. In general people do the first (meditation) may dabble a little with the second (teachings/contenplation) and rarely deeply consider the third and then wonder why  their success is dare I say superficial & limited. Life will always have its ups & downs, its how we walk thru life that ultimately counts towards our own peace.

Hi Anon765

Do you feel that this  lack of empathy episode was a one off or is it part of a pattern and did it rock the foundations of your relationship?

Dear Anon765

How hurtful that someone made a snap judgement and verbalized it out loud.

As for your GF maybe she was gob smacked by the other person’s statement about you, or did not feel confident/brave enough to contradict in a quick and appropriate way. Were you there?

Dear Eriads

Your daughter was almost grown up when you started dating B ( you do not say how old your daughter was when the split with her father happened or whether her father has remarried etc) and now she is legally an adult. She is lucky to have an on going relationship with her father.

You can’t force people to feel more for each other and some relationships take longer to  flourish. As long as you do not accept the current situation you are putting pressure on you, your daughter and your husband, which will hinder  a making of  healthy relationships.  At the moment politeness and understanding should be the starting point for all concerned. It must have taken a lot of bravery for your husband to show his vulnerability to you. Maybe your husband’s original expectations of a”happy family” were not met and he is now resigned to the reality of this family life. I guess within the next few years your daughter will fly the nest and so it is important that you & your husband stay well connected to each as you are going to need his emotional support when your daughter puts down roots elsewhere.

I wish you all the best

Roberta

Dear Helcat

Nearly all of us come up against situations/people that press our buttons.

You have dispensed kindness & wisdom to many people on this site and your input will be greatly missed, & I hope that this site also equally gave you sustenance\support.

If we learn to forbear something that cant at present be fixed to our liking, then things may change & grow in a way that could bring benefit  not only to ourselves but others.

So I hope that you remain a contributor to this site.

best wishes

Roberta

Dear Frozenfireflies

It is hard when only one person in a partnership is willing to try and make things easier, peaceful & intimate.

Do you have a quiet space that you can go to so that when things look like they are about to kick off , you can calmly say that you are going to take a short time out and if he wishes to spend a bit of quiet time too he is welcome to join you. If you can do a loving kindness meditation ( loads on youtube) it will help manage the discursive ruminative thoughts from disrupting your quiet time. On returning maybe make both of you a cuppa and maybe a gentle stroke on the back will signal to him that you are now calm and open. Hopefully he will mirror your attitude. Also try leaving the non violent communication book in the toilet and he might just pick it up out of curiosity. Do your children witness his outbursts and are they confined to being verbal?

wishing you all the best

Roberta

Dear Csihdu

Sorry to hear that you are in such a sad and frustrating situation. I had a similar situation with my  fiance’s mother whenever he asked his mum what she would like for Xmas she wanted him not to marry me!  Basically your boyfriend is between a rock and a hard place.  I suggest that you get your self a good circle of friends that can give you a social life that does not involve your boyfriends family. It is highly unlikely that you or your BF will be able to change his mums behavior and resenting him for it will only poison your relationship & that way she wins. Act with love compassion and dignity and then no matter what happens you will have a peaceful heart.

Kind regards

Roberta

Hi Dave

I am so glad that you & your wife went to couples counselling & that it was a positive experience and that your wife was able to verbalise her need for a cuddle and that you were able to overcome your initial ambivalence and literally embraced the situation to nourish her & your relationship.

If you both wish and are active in taking care of your precious family unit you will bring happiness not only to yourselves but will help with peace in a greater sense

Roberta