Dear t

The most recent conflict from my end was: I invited him to plans and he gave a weird, clearly fake semi-excuse, then invited me to the same plans that he just said had a time conflict with my plans. (I feel that this is so vague so in more detail, he said something like “I might be going to dinner with x so I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it, but you guys should definitely come to dinner!”). My plans were for 3pm and never would’ve interfered with dinner and we ended up going to both. The situation was a little more complicated but that’s mainly what happenef.

This annoyed me a lot because I have repeatedly told him just to tell me if he doesn’t want to do something. He will insist that he doesn’t have any doubts and was giving a legitimate excuse, until I push harder and he admits that he had a lot of concerns about my plans

We all have different speeds to requests/suggestions, sometimes we can answer in the affirmative quickly and other situations we may need more time to make a response and this may not suit the other persons.

If you keep interrogating your boyfriend of course he will eventually crack and give you the answer you are demanding, basically he is dammed if he does and he is dammed if he doesn’t.  Which of course is not satisfactory for either person and does not improve the chances of  open dialogue in the future.

My friend & her husband have come up with a list of colours and number scale to help them communicate with each other ie blue for depressed, red angry, pink excited, green jealousy/envy, brown confused, orange anxious, purple conflicted, black tired and 1 for a little to ten alot.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Omyk

I am sorry that your wife died & that you had no warning. So I guess you were unable to have the discussion with your wife about new partners should a tragedy strike.

As I deepened my spiritual life I decided to try out celibacy in my 50’s as I did not want to have casual relationships. Initialy I took a vow for one year and a few months before the year was up I reviewed whether I wanted to be in a relationship.  I realised that I was content for at least 90% of my time I could handle the short & occasional bouts of loneliness/longing.

I have good friends & family so I continued renewing my celibacy vow each year and after  5 years I decided to stay celibate for the rest of my life. My spiritual life has deepened over this time and once my family commitments are over I hope to take robes.

I wish you all the best in which ever path you choose.

Kind regards Roberta

Dear Clara

Now that you see that there is a pattern & a root cause for your anger and you appear to be willing to start to actively address the difficulty with emotional regulation.

Whether your current relationship continues or not I hope you will continue with self exploration so that you will have a happier future.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Vee

I am sorry that life for you at the moment appears to be without joy & contentment.

May I ask how was your marriage prior to having children?

You should congratulate yourself for noticing the connection between the stress your husbands attitude towards you and your comfort eating. At the moment I am reading two book one call Presence and the other is Real Meditations in minutes.

Do your children see & hear these troubling interactions?

Would your husband be open to couples counseling, he too maybe is unhappy or stressed and it has leaked into your relationship.

I hope that you will get plenty of support from the members of this forum.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Arie1276

You chose to accept the invite to go around even though you know that the situation between you & other family members/inlaws is volatile. You were sober and capable of walking away the moment things began to get uncomfortable especially since you saw that they we really drunk by the time you arrived.  You in your post you say that you & your son used the F word on several occasions during this visit. So its a bit like the pot calling the kettle black.  I think you are right to keep any future meetings to a minimum & act with dignity and walk away from anything that you find provocative. It is up to your nieces parents to go into bat on her behalf.

Dear Chau

I guess hope, despair & confusion are your companions at the moment. It is okay to feel these emotions or any others, just do not feed them.

Pema Chodren has a book called  comfortable with uncertainty and also Living Beautifully – uncertainty & change, in fact all her books are insightful & helpful.

When ever I am at a crossroads I review How I want to live my life. This helps me be patient with being in limbo and makes sure that I am keeping to my core values .

Keep yourself busy with healthy pursuits and avoid alcohol or other mind /wisdom altering substances & people.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Rising Again

How lucky you are to work for a kind & understanding friend. I too was once blessed to have a friend like yours. They let me learn a couple of aspects of the job and once I was comfortable & competent added another aspect. He preferred that I took my time & did less, so that there were few mistakes and any that occurred were rectified quickly with no hint of censure.

Relax , enjoy your work & stop comparing yourself to others, that way you will become more productive & competent much quicker than being stressed & critical about your  performance.