Anita: You made two excellent points that I’ll remember: “1) I would say: first eliminate interactions with men who see you as a sexual object, a conquest to be won and abandoned when done. 2) …learn to detect what is a Selling Statement and what is an authentic statement.”

Aiyana: Thank you, my take-a-away is to remember to always love myself before another before.

Vesper: I truly appreciate you sharing your story. It gives me hope that even after multiple “failed” attempts at dating, maybe…just maybe…there’s someone out there who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. Good luck to you!

Silviainny: I’m sorry to hear you’ve experienced similar interactions with men who you thought you could trust. It’s discouraging… but I guess all we can do is try to learn from our experiences and grow in a positive way from them without becoming bitter (maybe I’m a little bitter and reserved right now, but I’m trying to overcome it).

Penguin: Thanks for responding with your story. I actually had a similar situation with my dad. He was always someone I greatly looked up to and he cheated on my step-mom. I know we’re all human and we make mistakes. I hope I find a companion who will eventually love and accept me and be genuinely intersted in me as a person (and not just sex and then leaving).

Anita,

You’re telling me how you think I should be utilizing this open, public forum. Of course I’m appreciative of the thoughtful, well-written story that Vesper told me. I goes days and weeks without logging on to this website sometimes because of obligations I have outside of the online world.

In that thread I personally thanked and addressed my responses to you, Dazz, Vesper, and Inky on 3/21 (the same day I created the thread). So it’s not that I don’t ever reply with my gratitude! How do you know I wouldn’t have re-visited that thread and done the same later today? Or even tomorrow? You don’t know that. Please refrain from micro-analyzing and telling me how you think I should use this public forum.

Thank you,

Dreaming

Dazz: Thank you for the kind words. I guess I do have “time” and I’m afforded the opportunity to let life play out as it’s meant to while trying to harness a more optimistic perspective.

Vesper: Can you please share a little bit about your story with me? What brought you to the “men can’t feel love conclusion?” What’s different about your soulmate? Did you know right away? I’d love to hear an inspiring and hopeful story.

Anita: If I’m understanding what you’re saying correctly, I would agree that men are MUCH bigger “sayers” than “doers” in the beginning of a relationship. Almost to the point of me having to disregard what they’re saying because I can count on more than one hand the grandiose things I’ve been promised or told that never actually materialized. And I also agree that men in many different cultures are more interested in “sex” and respect is reserved for a very limited number of females in their lives (example: mother, daughter, mother of their daughter).

Thanks, Anita. I would tell him there are several standards I must uphold in my friendships and relationships with others:
1) Dependability/Trust. On a basic level you have to trust that your friend/partner is dependable. There were multiple times when he would tell me, “We should meet-up this weekend,” or “I’ll text you tomorrow,” and then he would never contact me.

2) Consistency. When I’m in a relationship with someone, I need a level of consistency. I understand work schedules change, life gets hectic, etc… But I don’t appreciate someone texting me multiple times a day, asking to see me several times that week, and then suddenly withdrawing to the point of not texting and going at least two weeks without an effort to see me. Also resorting to last minute plans the majority of the time is difficult. That type of inconsistency makes me feel confused.

3) Communication. The person I’m in a relationship with has to at least make an effort to communicate how they’re honestly feeling. There were times when he wouldn’t be forthright with me about his feelings. He would use vague statements like, “Let’s just see where this goes.” “I don’t know where our future will lead… only time will tell.”

I would like my future partner to be honest in his intentions of being in a relationship with me, such as saying: “I like you and want to experience more things together and continue getting to know you.”

Those are three of my standards for friendships and relationships. He has never been able to meet those three for longer than a few weeks at a time, therefore I have to say good-bye.

Anita- You said, “Returning his things was a symbolic way on your part to exercise some control over a relationship in which you had a sense of no control.” I think this is absolutely correct! I also like that you said, “On the other hand it would have been reasonable for you to exercise control over your participation in the relationship.” I wish I would have stuck to my standards and left months ago. I think that’s part of my learning experience. It’s so difficult, but hopefully the end result of letting go will be an emotionally strengthening and fulfilling experience.

Vesper- Thank you for the kind words. I like that you said, “It is to your credit that you have a loving heart.” I believe I can walk away from this relationship knowing that I exercised a lot of love, care, and patience with this person- even during times when I was hurting. I gave it my all, he just wasn’t capable of receiving it or (possibly) appreciating it.

DaisyBuchanan- Thank you for this, “You can trust your intuition here. If they are not ready to honor that connection, they should definitely not be in your life. You do not need to feel badly about yourself even for a second for trusting in something you felt at any point.” Very well put. I felt a connection and I trusted it. This person wasn’t capable of giving or receiving the love that was there. I will try my best to take your advice that I have the strength to take care of myself.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. So I’ve been trying to see this from the perspective of my roommate/friend. I agree that it’s draining to be around someone who projects sadness, negativity, and hopelessness on a daily basis. Today I genuinely wanted to turn my attitude around. When I saw her after work I said a friendly “hello” and asked how her day was. I was not going to bring up ANY issues or negativity and instead keep the conversation light and positive.

She barely acknowledged my hello and instead started texting on her phone and talking to her pet cat. She didn’t engage in conversation with me or ask how my day was (which is unusual in our friendship). She said she was going to a softball meeting and wouldn’t be back until late, said bye, and left.

I’m honestly hurt by her behavior. She used to knock on my bedroom door and be the type of friend that would burst in and start up a conversation. Now for the past several days she’s been acting distant toward me and going out of her way to not engage in conversation.

I feel left and abandoned in another friendship/relationship AGAIN. In our 8+ years of friendship she has NEVER acted like this toward me. At this point I’m so saddened by rejection/abandonment that my thoughts started going to places of, “When our lease is up should I move out of the city?” “Should I start leaving every night after work and going to Starbucks or wherever to distance myself from her?”

She is the last person I thought should treat meet with such indifference and I’m feeling angry and hurt. Especially when I communicated to her that I was going through a very hard time and just need a little patience and support right now. It sounds dramatic and ridiculous but I’ve just about had it with all people. Life feels too hard and its been this way for too long. Why am I here?

Sunseeker1, I agree with you that there’s a time and place for certain things to be said. Thank you for your response and I’m glad you found peace by standing up for yourself. I think you’re right that in my situation this person just simply doesn’t care, so it would do me no good.